happy valentines day

happy love day my love.

this day last year. what happened?
lets see.
you gave me the cutest little bear.
you bought me new tennis shoes because you told me my other ones smelled and were stretched out from my ENLARGED post baby feet.
you took me to toots because you knew i needed fried pickles.
you gave me this spiel that made me CRY like an infant about how you could never live without me and how you couldn't ask for a better woman or mother to your child.- at the time i thought it was sappy and i cried like a baby in a public restaurant., today i think its probably the most important words you ever said to me.
you gave me a card that i read on a daily basis "you'll never spend another valentines day without me"

most importantly,
you were my valentine.
you loved me.
and you spend the day with me.

this year?
ill be taking your child to day care.
going to get my hair done to try to make myself feel a little bit better.
going to the cemetery at some point to give you your valentine :)
thinking of you all day.

i love you joe carter.
there is nothing more than i could ask for than to have you as my valentine.
so will you be my valentine all the way from way above?
okay good :)
im so very thankful for our 3 valentines days together.
you restored my faith in such an awful holiday.
i love you baby boo, to the moon and back.

xoxoxo.
thinking of you always my love <3

oh yeah i got a tattoo.

Joe Carter

• hey baby
  hey... its like 230 in the morning.. but i cant sleeeep... like i really cant thnk straight anytime i try to sleep i thnk of us and how much i wanna just be with u right now... i wish more than anything we were together right now.. im all sad and lonley.. i miss u alot and thought id message u ... just know im thnking of u baby.. ill talk to u soon...
  
  
  
  
  this is my very first message from joe that stayed on FB since all the changes. this is April 2008. i read it constantly because this is how i feel. "any time i try to sleep i think of us and how much i wanna just be with you right now." i feel like this everyday. i just want to be with him. i just want him to tell me everything is okay. i want him to tell me that he loves me and that were getting married in april. i want a new ring. i want a white dress. i want another baby. i want want want. i want my big strong man to be the one holding my hand when I'm getting a tattoo. i want my life back. i want my future back. I've been robbed and I'm not okay with that.
  
  
  oh, yeah. i got a tattoo. and i love it. and its all for him. he would be SO pissed. but that makes it a little better :p 
  
  it says, " i thank God in every remembrance of you" phil 1:3.
  its a verse that i will always remember joe to. i thank God everyday for my memories and my life with him. there was little to no pain when i got it done. and i feel much more at peace now. i have part of him on my body forever.
  
  
  
  
  joe carter- i could kick your italian but for giving me a baby who is JUST like you and making me raise her alone. but in the end, i love you. more than anything and i love her more than anything. if i didn't have her i wouldn't have gotten out of bed on july 22nd and id still be there. i miss you. i ache for you. id give anything to hear your voice. even if it was you telling me how blonde i am or you could even tell me I'm an idiot. just as long as i heard your voice, it was real and you were talking to me. 
  
  
  
  
  come home my love. i need you.
  xoxox. 

so i thought,

so i thought i was okay. i really really did.
but I'm not.

lately. I'm just not myself.
I'm reserved, lifeless, and monotone.

i enjoy hardly nothing.
I'm on edge every day.
i don't treat the people in my life on any level they deserve to be treated.

I'm just blah.
i miss my life.
i miss my joe.
i miss my world.

this one I'm living in, its just not mine. and i don't want to be here anymore.

wheres the exit?

I'm ABSOLUTELY dreading valentines day.
but thats another post for another day.

my blanket.

so i am a blanket person. and I'm a sentimental person. so blankets are very sentimental to me. i can tell you where i bought or got all of my blankets.

the blanket on my bed that i sleep with every night has a special place in my heart.

one day i got off work HUGELY pregnant and frazzled. i was just DONE. and joe was like i have something for you. i was like can it wait until tomorrow cause i just want to go to bed? and he was like no you need to open it before you go to sleep. so i open this purple bag and inside is the softest, warmest looking fleece blanket. it had the cat from the johnny depp alice in wonderland on it. this was our movie. i made him go see it 3 times in theater and buy it on dvd the day it came out! i LOVE this movie. and he knew it. and he knew i loved blankets. so he put them together and bought me this blanket. and it was just what i needed. i have slept with it every night since. it went to the hospital with me when alexis was born and everything. every time i look at this blanket i think of him and how he would do little things like that for me to let me know he loves me. i miss the little things. the way he would bring me a panera dr pepper EVERYDAY because he knew i LOVED the panera dr pepper. there is just something about it. or the way he bought me a new pair of tennis shoes with these soft gel inserts when my pregnant feet swelled up to a point it hurt to walk or wear shoes. he bought these "magic" pink tennis shoes he called them and they really made a huge difference. he always thought of me. me and alexis. he always put us first. for this, i will forever be grateful. some women never get to experience that.

so tonight, me and my blanket are cuddling and I'm wishing i could figure out why my life is taking this path. I'm missing him and wishing he was here to tell me it was going to be okay.

my life will never been the same. never ever. i am forever this changed woman and i just don't know how to take that.

i am very anxious in figuring out how my story and my grief can help someone else. i am just looking for the right opportunity. out of all of this i would love to give someone the gift of comfort like i have been giving through all of my widow friends. i just want to be the someone in their life that "gets it".

one day.

but for now,  I'm going to enjoy my sleeping baby and cuddle with my blanket and remember the happy days.


xoxoxo i miss you baby. thank you for my blanket. and thank you for my memories. thank you for spending 3 years with me and making them the best 3 years. i love you to the moon and back. forever & ever babe.

fading..

my memories that is. they have been fading. and its the hardest thing I've ever experienced. during the day i am reaching for straws to remember the EXACT way his face looked or the EXACT way his voice sounded or the EXACT feel of his skin or his hair. and its fading. I can see his face like he's standing in front of me. but its like I'm looking through a camera lens. its blurry and i have to focus hard core on it. and i hate it. i hate having to focus on the image that i looked at every day. the image that was my whole world. i have to focus on remembering it.

but then their are my dreams.

lately i have had some CRAZY girl dreams. in my dreams, which are as real as day, he is right there. in clarity. no blurry needing to focus camera lens. he's right there. and i can touch him and he's talking to me and he's alive. and in every dream he asks me if i want to be with him still and if i believe he's still here. i don't know the purpose in those questions but they are the only thing consistent.

in one dream we were on the beach and he asked me if i still loved him and if i wanted to be with him forever and if i believed this was real.

in the next he was wearing the exact outfit he was wearing at his funeral and he told me how much he loved me and asked me to marry him and spend my life with him. i of course said yes and then he asked me if i thought it was real, if i could really imagine this life together. again i said yes. but in reality its not real. he's not here and he's not coming back.

so i spent the majority of the last couple mornings, crying like a little girl. wishing i could just go back to sleep and be with him one more time. see his face in clarity one more time. hear him say "i love you baby girl" clear as day. feel his smooth fingers run along my jaw line.

i ache for my man tonight. and last night and this morning. and yesterday morning. and every day and ever night. i ache for him.

someone please take the aching away.

<3 i love you angel love. and i will always love you. so you can stop asking me every night cause i promise i will love you everyday for the rest of forever plus one. ;) xoxox handsome.

i did it..

...i sold the car.
:gasp:
it was the HARDEST thing I've ever done. ever. ever. ever.

but its complete. and i survived. and i love my new car. i miss tc so much. but i love my new car. and i think joe would LOVE my new car. our new car. he would be so proud of it!

longer post tomorrow, so tired tonight.

joe LOVES tc. 

this is our new family car. 

<3 missing you babyyy. 

thoughts.

tonight i read a post from a girl who lost her dad before she knew him. it was the anniversary of his loss and she was talking to him in her post. its such a strange thing to read. as the tears were FLOWING down my face, the thought hit me. thats going to be MY baby in the future. now i don't know if she will be a blogger or if that will even be around but she is going to be in that girls shoes, missing her dad. wishing she knew him. so i cried. for myself and for my baby. for everything we both have lost.

i have been trying to buy a new car. its been the hardest thing I've ever done. not only does selling JOES car hit me at my weakest point, i can't get a car loan...anywhere. which just makes me think joe doesn't want me to sell my car. but i know he does. i just psych myself out. who knows where ill end up. if this last loan attempt falls through I'm going to stop looking for a little while.

baby- i think I've decided that i like writing to you. this blog is for me and for you. so every blog post i am now going to try to write to you directly. so lets see. um. you need to let me know what I'm supposed to do with this car thing. if I'm supposed to sell it, let me know. cause if this time fails, I'm stopping. at least for a while. its also been quite a while since you have "shown" your presence to me and i miss it. i want the reminder of you. i want you to be a familiar face still. the small features of your face are fading and i find myself STARING at your pictures just to remember the small things about you. like the mole on the left side of your face. or the 3 scars on your arm right arm. or the way your top teeth were PERFECTLY straight and your bottom teeth weren't because you threw your retainer away several times and mom said she wasn't replacing it anymore. i remember the way you would stick out your bottom lip and pout and it seriously made me melt. i never ever want to forget our closeness. the bond we share. the way i love you. i will never love someone the same way again. I'm not saying ill never love again, because i know you want that for me and for alexis, but i will never love someone in the exact same way i love you. i have a serious connection with you, even now that your not here with me, were still connected. you were my first everything and i will always love you for that.

i love you handsome. i hope your missing me as much as I'm missing you. be good.

xoxoxo.