trust.

trust is a huge topic I'm struggling with. 

who do you trust?

when is it too soon to trust someone? 

how do you know if you can REALLY trust someone?

I'm asking someone to trust me and when i think about it, these questions come up.

yes, she is in the same situation as i am. 

she is a young widow with a baby the same age as lex. 

and I'm asking her to trust me. to let me in so that i can be there for her.

now, this is not something i had. so i have no idea how she will react.

she's still in the first few days, like the first week. and i know how she feels. 

so i wonder, will she trust me? 

she isn't the only thing that has brought upon this question.

since joe passed its something i worry about. 

joe was my WHOLE life. 

when i lost him, i lost EVERYTHING.

and i never want to be in that boat again.

i want to love again, with my whole heart. but i also want to be cautious. 

and i want to be able to stand on my own feet if needed.

i want to be the BEST mother, woman, and future wife (again) that i can be. and that requires me being cautious with my heart. and my trust. and my life in general. 

so, heres to new journeys. new friends. new relationships. and old memories.

<3 

i may be moving forward my love but i will never ever ever forget you. you will always be MY joe and i will always cherish every minute we had together. i want you to be by my side and approve of every choice i make. xoxoxo. i love you forever & ever baby love. 

im tired.

im tired.

alexis won't sleep at night because she is sick.

therefore, i do not sleep at night.

but i still go to work everyday.

and by the time i get home, there are a million things that need to be done.

homework, shower, laundry, blogging, Facebook stalking (LOL), talking to my family, spending time with my kid.

it never ends.

hello dark circles.

so i should be asleep, but I'm not.

I'm awake. blogging. thinking. listening to music.

I'm starting a 17 day diet. so in the next 17 days i will be blogging, ALOT.

a lot of life changes are ahead of me. and idk whats going to happen.

but I'm putting a lot of faith in God to help me and lead me in the right direction.

<3

i miss you handsome italian. come home. march madness is starting without you. and your favorite st patties day is right around the corner! muahhhh.
xoxo.

pneumonia, faith, and a book?

so my baby, my sweet little baby, has pneumonia.
pneumonia, the most awful infection that killed her daddy 7 short months ago.
can you say stress? cause i can.
today was lots of tears, lots of stress, and lots of phone calls.

i called my "mother-in-law" and cried like a baby. I'm so stressed. i never wanted to be in this position again and here i am. facing this awful thing again. now i know her sweet daddy is watching over her from way above and he is going to make sure God is taking care of her. but that doesn't take mommys stress away.
blahhhh.
God will heal. God will heal. God will heal.

so that brings me to my next topic: Faith.

after Joe passed, his parents took me to a church called Crossroads. I had been to church but wasn't into the whole "church"scene. so they convince me to go and i fell in love. it is church but with such a modern spin. so then i decided to attend their grief group with my incredible sister in law. i fell in love. with the people. with the atmosphere. with the concept. so here i am. i have been restored my faith. now, ill admit. i am NOT a bible beating crazy lady. I do not carry my bible everywhere i go and throw scripture at people all day. to be honest, i know little verses by heart. but i am working on it. i don't plan to be that girl either though. i have a strong faith, i know that and so does God. now, is it as strong as it should be? no. thats why I am wanting to get involved. I want to get involved with crossroads to better my faith. to be able to auto default into trusting God and relying on him to get me through. i will get there. stay tuned on how that goes over.

anddddd. my book.
I've mentioned that I'm going to write a book. well, i am.
I'm trying to figure out how to get started.
there are NOT very many people who go through what I have went through. and I want my story and my trials and triumphs to be able to aid someone in need some day. through the darkest days of my grief i search for books, for people, for anything to find someone or something to relate to me to make what i am going through a realistic thing. so, I'm going to give other people that resource. I'm going to write a book. a book about grief. about dealing with grief. about the help thats available. and I'm going to make myself available to others.
nowww,
i am BY NO MEANS, ANYWHERE close to being healed. i am NOT in a place where i can say i am 100%. i am MAYBE 40% most of the time. little things can and will set me over the edge, i spend many nights balled up in my bed crying so hard that it physically hurts, i spend many sunny days sitting at a cemetery crying because i just want him to touch me or say he loves me. i spend many many moments thinking of my life and how it should be and crying like i am an infant. i am still angry. i am still hurt. i still question God everyday. i miss him. i am human. and i am not healed. but i am wanting to help someone else. the way i have already been helped. so, my ms karen has encouraged it and I'm going to do it. so stay tuned for that.

thats all i have. today i am emotionally, physically, and mentally exhausted.
i just want to cuddle up with my baby and my man and go to sleep.
but for tonight i will settle for his favorite hoodie and his blanket and my baby girl.

goodnight bloggers :)
<3

you have all my love joseph carter.
take care of me and our princess.
xoxo.

to my love,

hey handsome :) its been a while since I've made a whole post writing to you. i need to get better about that. a lot of my posts seem to be epic meltdown posts. so lets talk. i miss talking to you. we could sit and just look at each other and talk for hours. i think out of everything thats probably one of the things i miss the most. you were my very best friend above everything else. when i felt lost in life, like i do now, you were the one who would sit and listen and you always gave me your advice. sometimes, i would get so pissed, throw a fit and tell you i didn't want your advice i just wanted you to listen. but now, i would give everything i have to have some advice from the best man i know. I'm lost. i don't know what i want to do anymore. i want to feel a glimpse of happiness or something. i think I've lost my passion for life. so I'm on a mission to find it again. I'm going to hopefully start teaching again. i think by doing something i KNOW i am capable of being passionate about i will find some joy again, lets hope. I've also decided to make crossroads more of a priority in my life. i think by building my faith and making it strong it will help me find some understanding through all this mess and I'm hoping that God will take some of the incredible pain off my shoulders too. so I'm going to need your help with that. i need your help with everything. i need you to be strong for me because i am so not able to be strong for myself. I've lost it. and I'm trying to regain it but i need you. i need your arms around me all the time. thats the other thing i miss. my cuddle time. my kisses on the forehead and holding my hand in bed. the arm that was always draped across my stomach while we both slept. or the chest that was always FREEZING cold cause you didn't believe in blankets that i put my head against until i fell asleep and as soon as i woke up. i miss your laugh. i can hear it right now. the sound of it is fading, but i can still remember it right now and for that i am thankful. i miss you telling me to STOP SPENDING MONEY. i miss you giving me an amount i could spend and that was it. cause honestly, I've kinda went overboard. but hey. whatevs.

i don't know if your picking up what I'm putting down, but the bottom line is I MISS YOU. more than ANY words i could write on here. more than anything i could think or say. there are NO words for the amount of anguish i go through every day thinking that i will never see that handsome italian face of yours again. i hope your proud of me. i hope your proud of your daughter. and i hope you never leave our sides.

you better be having a good time up there and you better be missing me twice as much as i miss you.

you better be waiting for me. no girlfriends, your still a taken man. I've got the ring to prove it ;)

i love you baby. forever & ever my babe <3

muahhh.
xoxo.
<3 your number one.

I've realized im..

angry.

its true.

I'm mad. at joe i think.

is this fair?  no.
don't hate on the dead boyfriend kayla.
but i am.

as i said in my last post, i am struggling. with my identity. and my happiness.

and I've figured it out, i think. well some of it has to do with i hate my job. i wanna be on my own again. i wanna have more money. i wanna be stable. blah blah.

but heres the kicker,

he died. and he took my everything. everything that made me happy, he took it with him.

my future. my wedding. my house. my future kids. my rings. my love. my heart. my happiness.
he took it all with him. because every single one of those things revolved around him. he was my future and he took it with him when he left. so now, I'm left. without the love of my life, without my future, without anything but tears and anger.

now, is being mad at him a smart thing?
no. he didn't CHOOSE to die. he didn't CHOOSE to take my life with him. but he did.
and its annoying. he took my happiness. and i can't seem to figure out how to get it back.


so i sit here, listening to music that makes me think of him, crying like a fool, being mad at the best thing that ever happened to me because he took himself away from me because he was sick. because the doctors didn't do their job. because God decided it was his time.

im not one to mess with God. but I'm kinda mad at him too.
im kinda not happy He decided he wanted MY JOE back. there are 3000000000000049494 people in this world, and you take the only thing that kept me standing on my feet.

thanks big guy.


joseph carter- i miss you. i miss you more than anything i could ever write on here or yell at you in the car. every breath i take burns a little more. every morning i roll over and I'm alone. every time i get good news or am SUPER pissed at work i keep it to myself or go to the cemetery and talk to the ground. i could use a boyfriend hug. a nose rub and a kiss, and you to tell me it would be okay. i would do anything to talk to you. i would even do your NASTY DIRTY panera laundry. just come home. just visit me one more time. send me one more text. one more. one more anything. missing you lover. i hope your enjoying the spring weather up there. keep your arms around me. xoxoxo.

my struggle.

everyday i struggle with my loss.

not only did i lose Joe, but i lost everything he was to me.
my best friend, my future, the father of my baby, the father of my future children, my muscles, my mr fix it, my doctor when i was sick, my encouragement, my everyday, my repair man, my other half, my sleeping partner, my cuddle bug, the one who changed the cat box, the one who carried the groceries, the one who carried alexis' carseat, the one who drove me around, the one who put the smile on my face

anyway, i lost my everything. my life. my love. my everyday.

but during all of this loss, i have lost myself.

joe and i have been together since my junior year of HIGH SCHOOL.
i was 17. we moved out together a month after i turned 18 and thats how its been.
he was there the day i graduated. he was there my first day of college. he was there for the first day of my first real full time job. he was there the day i found out i was pregnant. he was there the day i had our baby.

basically, every MAJOR thing I've EVER done in my life, he was standing right next to me. holding my hand. and now, I'm alone. facing my biggest challenge yet. and what do i do?

who am i without joe?

i know i am alexis' mom. and i know i am a 'widow' and i know i am a sister to my siblings. and i know i am a daughter to my parents and to joes parents now too. i know i am an 'aunt' to my incredible 'nephews' (joes nephews). i know i am a ' sister in law' to joes siblings. i know i am a best friend to my besties.

but take all that away and who do you have?
this is where i struggle.
this is why i am living in the dark.
i don't know who i am.
or who i want to be.

here is what i know so far,
-i know i want to carry on my memory of joe forever. i want my life to reflect the woman he wants me to be and my love for him and the life we had.
-i know i want to help someone. lots of people.  through this challenge, i have met some of the most incredible people who have carried me. if it wasn't for tameka, ms karen, crossroads, my family, and my friends i would be no where. and i want to be able to help someone the way they have helped me. i want to make a change in someones life.
-i know i want to be a good an INCREDIBLE mom. i want to give her the world plus some.
-i know i want to be "happy"

but how do i get to this point?
well, i still have a ways to go. but this blog is where I'm tracking my progress.

so here goes nothing.
a step in the right direction.

baby, i miss you more with every breath i take. you will always be my number one.
you have the key to my lock. you know what i mean by that <3
xoxoxox.

highway exit.

so everyday i go to work.
i take the same way every. single. day.
well, every. single. day. i have epic meltdown. if its not literal tears, its anxiety hyperventilation.
why you ask?
the highway exit i take has a left or right option like most highway exits..
turn right? the FIRST thing you see is the cemetery where my love is buried. his grave is so close to the highway i feel like i can see it from the road.
turn left? about a half a mile down the road is the hospital. where he died. the last place i saw my beloved joe alive.

f this road. seriously.
so everyday i turn right to go to work, and i stare at the place where my man is. the cold, grass covered ground that holds the box that holds the body that i held close to me every night. the box that holds my heart. the box that holds my everything. my best friend. my love. my life. my future. my joe.

the box that i think about everyday.

:( :( :(

i just want his arms around me. telling me everything is going to be okay. i just want to know he loves me and he is here with me. i want to hear "girlfriend girlfriend. i love love you" really he could tell me he hated me as long as he was here and speaking to me id take it. id take anything at this point.

its been 7 months. 7 whole months without that smile. without that voice. without my everything.
how have i survived this long?

we have a rough couple months ahead. so wish me luck.
april- joes birthday. our anniversary.
july- one year.
sept- my birthday.
oct-jan- holidays again.

its a continuous cycle.
:(

miss you baby boo. xoxoxo. sending my love thousands of miles away.