let it go kayla.

where do i start?

okay. lets see.

im a mess.

ha.

thats an understatement. 

im struggling to find my sanity again.

i wanna be a normal 20 year old girl.

i wanna live a normal life.

and my life is so far from normal.

and i think pushing myself to find it is causing more harm than good.

so after a LONG talk with a GREAT friend today.

its time to stop.

i need to take a step back and let things fall into place.

the stress of trying to make things work all the time is exhausting.

nothing is ever going to be perfect all the time.

and its def not going to work if it is forced or rushed. 

so,

this is me, publicly (well at least to my bloggers) stating that,

I, Kayla, am going to stop being so consumed with trying to make everything work perfectly all the time.

i am going to let things fall into place and try to accept things for what they are.

now..how does this pertain to my grief you ask? 

well, grief is the most natural and unnatural thing in this world.

its unnatural for all the obvious reasons, like no one should ever ever ever feel the pain of losing the only person they ever felt they needed in this world. no one should ever feel lost and alone. no one should ever have to "grieve" over anything. 

but in the same way its natural.

its the body's natural way of reacting to a great loss. you cannot do ANYTHING at all to alter how you grieve. its going to happen "naturally" and its a needed process for people to go through to deal with their loss. this is something i have learned the hard way.

you have to let it happen.

you have to let time do its thing.

that doesn't work for me. i am SUCH a control FREAK that i want to be in control of my body and how i feel and react and I'm just not. this is one aspect of my life i cannot control. i have to let it "run its course" 

there are days i am so happy its unreal, and when i realize that I'm like this is so wrong, i should not be happy my life is falling apart. but i can't change it. 

and there are days that i cannot stop sobbing or pull myself out of the funk of just being sad. no matter how hard i want to.

and there are days that the anger makes me mad at just about everything and everyone. and i know its wrong but i can't stop it.

its an uncontrollable thing. its sick.

so, if grief has taught me anything thus far.

its that i need to learn to let go.

dont resist.

just let life happen.

cause no one is in total control all the time.

control what you can,

and let the rest go.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

Courage to change the things I can,And wisdom to know the difference.


heres to fighting the urge to be a crazy
and trying a new way of life.
you better be proud of me babe 
cause we both know this is not a life choice you would ever make or survive at.
my little control freak. :)
this is me, being strong for the both of us.
xoxoxo.

new paths. old journeys.

tomorrow i start my newest "path"

but its the same old game.

since i graduated high school i have worked in a child care setting. 

i am PASSIONATE about children and education.

its kinda my thing.

so i was doing my "thing" 

then i had a kid. 

so i took my maternity leave and then i started at a new school teaching when she was about 3 months old

i was content. doing my thing.

well,

then tragedy rocked my world.

and the man i love got sick. 

school was not helpful or supportive. 

July 21st, 2011 3:30 MIL calls school. 

"pops says its bad and we need to get there now" 

school not cooperative. 

4:15 i FINALLY leave. 

my joe is hanging on by a string. 

lets say,

i never returned to the school.

i needed time.

i needed space to get myself together.

so i spent a whole month in bed. 

then i decided i was broke and i needed to get out of my house.

so i took the first job i found.

doing something i hated.

so enough was enough.

i got up off my butt and i started looking.

now,

tomorrow i start teaching kindergarten prep.

i have not done "my thing" in almost a year. 

i am nervous.

but i know joe would be OVER THE MOON for me.

he knows how much i LOVE kids and how passionate i am about my career. 

he is supporting me 100% of the way i know it.

but i am afraid.

who am i going to go home to and RANT about all the AWFUL kids or parents?! 

or who is going to help me lesson plan?

makes me realize another thing I've lost. 

my at home co teacher.

he helped me so much.

i had him cutting out letters, painting things, trying a craft out to see how easy it was, organizing my papers. 

he was like my VERY cute at home assistant. 

that i was madly in love with.

and now, I'm starting my first teaching venture without him.

cue anxiety.

so i may be starting a "new path" but its the same old journey I've been on for 8 months.

8 months today btw. 

my lovebug- 8 months?! how did we get here?! we had a great talk today :) thanks for the nice breeze to break up the ABNORMAL heat here in cincy in the not so shaded part of the cemetery. how sick is that? i spend my days off in the cemetery now. 8 months ago at this moment i was waiting for your sweet heart to stop beating. i was sitting right next to you with my head in your lap sobbing. and in 15 short minutes i heard your heart beat for the very last time. it was at this moment 8 months ago that i felt truly alone for the first time. the only person thats ever understood me was taken away from me. i had to walk out of bethesda north hospital with a bag of clothes and some pictures that were hanging on the wall in hopes of you waking up to see our family. do you know how hard it was for me to get up off that bed and walk out of that hospital and leave you there? leave the body of the person i slept next to for 2 years there. walk out of there knowing the next time i saw you you would have your sweet brown eyes closed and in a box with all of our friends and family surrounding me saying goodbye to you. do you know how hard that was? I've told you like 8,000 times since then. that is a day that i don't even think amnesia could take away from me. it is etched in my heart. like the first day you told me you loved me. ( for real not the time at the bar when you had WAY too much to drink) anywayyyyy, i love you so much handsome. i can't wait till i can see your face again and run my fingers through that black hair and kiss your sweet lips again. i hope your resting and enjoying your time with you mama. give her my love. and tell jack jack mommy misses him. you better be being nice to him. <3 love you angel. 

the human heart.

its an AMAZING thing the human heart is. 

its such a small organ in comparison to what it is responsible for.

the heart keeps your whole body functioning. 

it pumps close to 1900 GALLONS of blood EVERY day.

the average heart beats 100,000 times a day. 

the heart is an amazing thing.

not only is it responsible for these "physical" things like, oh idk, keeping you alive.

the human heart can handle a lot of emotional garbage. 

just when you think if one more thing goes wrong your heart is going to shatter and stop beating..

it never does. it keeps on...keeping on.

my own personal heart?

lord help it.

its been through the ringer and back.

buttttttt its still beating. and its still strong. it can still take everything i throw at it everyday.

I've only felt like my heart was going to break once in my life.

that pain is very surreal. and very easy to remember. 

it wasn't in the hospital when we decided we were going to turn off the machine keeping my world alive, it wasnt the moment i had my kid. it wasn't the moment i laid in bed with the dead body of the man i loved. wasn't when my first boyfriend broke up with me or when i didn't make the cheerleading squad in 8th grade. 

it was the first time i woke up without him. July 22nd. I did not sleep well that night at all, but i finally fell asleep for 20 minutes i think. the moment i woke up and grabbed my phone to call and check on him and i saw the text from my MIL saying "called the funeral home. meet here around noon and we will go down there together." my heart dropped to my stomach and felt broken for the very first time. the pain that day was immense. like, it took my breath away. like a knife in my throat cutting off the air. 

but i lived. my heart kept beating. i was unsure it would beat again after that moment. 

the moments, days, weeks, months following that have all been different. my heart hasn't felt the same since that day. its been heavy. and i mean that in a literal way. i have felt like my shoulders have been harder to pull up and its been harder to stand on my own. 

but for the first time in 8 months, i feel like i can breathe a little differently. 

the heaviness is not gone but its lifted a little.

its a nice feeling.

do i still miss joe? absolutely. do i still wish my outcome would have been different? every day. 

do i want to cry everyday and lay in bed? nope. can i smile and it be genuine? yes. can i answer "how are you" and say "I'm okay." and mean it now? yep. 

these are all positive steps. 

I'm moving in the right direction.

not moving on, moving forward. taking my story and my joe with me.

always & forever. 

xoxo.

memories.

today was my "sister in laws" birthday celebration.

i got to spend the whole day with my carter family. it was a great day. 

we rarely are able to get together all of us and her and my mother in law are getting ready to leave for vacations so it was nice to get everyone together before they leave.

the day was great. the weather was incredible. the kids were good. the food was amazing. 

and the memories were there. 

2 summers ago, joes sister lived in Arizona. she was dating this guy from there and they came to ohio to visit. so naturally we went out to catch up with them. just the 4 of us. we went to Buffalo Wild Wings. Now, I was 18 and all of them were over the age to drink so they were all taking part in adult beverages. They convinced Joe to do Irish Carbombs with them. HAHA. he thought he was going to throw up and he didn't know how to do it. she had to teach him and it was a sight to see. 

she was drinking Guinness tonight so we laughed about it. <3 

joes parents have his hill in their backyard. and it has mulch on it...well it does now. before it was COVERED in rose bushes and twigs. well, joe was home from school for the summer (in 09) and wasn't working. he wanted money for something so pops made him a deal. he dug up all the bushes and took them down to the woods that line their yard. of course joe agreed. but he COMPLAINED the WHOLE time. i mean SERIOUS dramatic complaining. now, yes. what he was doing was tiresome and was a lot of hard work. but such is life. he was more than capable and would have been done in half the time if he wouldn't have been complaining. every time i am in their backyard i think about that day. well  today was the first day we got to be outside with the kids. and the boys were playing on the hill and we all got a great laugh out of the story. and i know joe was laughing too. 

i took alexis to the cemetery this morning to take dada his first spring flowers. it was great. she loves the stone and i love her being able to see it. 

today i am thankful. for memories. for time with family. for laughter. for sunshine. 

for my joe 

and

my carter family 

<3 

i think you'd be proud.

wednesday is 8 months.

wow.

but heres the deal.

i think he would be rather proud of the woman I've become in the last 8 months.

I'm finally getting my act together.

yes, it took losing everything i ever knew to get my where i am now, but i lived and I'm kinda proud of myself.

at this point 8 months ago, my sweet joe was healing up nicely and we thought he was going to be a okay.

wrong.

this point 7 months ago? i was still laying in bed refusing to do anything with my life without him.

now, i never ever ever thought about suicide or hurting myself. but i laid in bed. a lot. i cried a lot. i enjoyed nothing. i had the thought process that if he didn't have to be here and do this, whelp neither did i. i missed a lot of time with my daughter. i missed a lot of the summer. i missed a lot. but in the end, i needed that. i needed that time to dedicate it to him. it made my loss real. it justified my pain. it made me the widow i am today.

but now, 8 months later I'm finally standing up. i am FAR from stable, but i am standing up.

i was offered the job of my dreams. at 2 different places.
i get to teach kindergarten prep from 7am-3pm so i actually will get to spend time with my kid and no more 9-9s.
i also get to sub and work an extended care program at a montessori school here in mason. which is incredible. such an opportunity.
i am finally to a point where i think i can let someone else in my life; the walls are starting to come down. :gasp:

i am making more money than i ever thought i could on my own, i have the schedule of my dreams. and most important i am doing what i love more than anything, educating children. watching them learn. its a great feeling.

I'm finally at a point where i want to help other people. i want to use my grief in a "positive" way. i want others to benefit from my story. i want people to know they are not alone and this is not the end of their life. it may feel like it but we as widows are capable of picking up the shattered pieces and sorting through them.

my pieces are FAR from sorted through. i still have EPIC meltdowns, frustration, questions, tears, sadness, emptiness, confusion, all the emotions i had on day 1 of widowhood. but the difference now is i know what those feelings are. and i know how to handle that. i know what i need to do to get myself through those moments. does that make them easier? no. does that make them more manageable? a little. it makes me feel as though I'm in more control of my grief and that is important to me.

i want to be defined by my love for joe, not my grief for joe. i don't want people to think of just sadness when they think about me and my relationship with joe. i want people to be like wow, thats an incredible love story.

my grief has many many many more years to go. joe will forever be apart of me. and i wouldn't want it any other way. i don't know what its like to be without him being apart of me, of who i am and i don't want to ever know that feeling. he may not be here with me now, but its the little things. like when I'm in the car, iPod on shuffle and one of his stupid remixes comes on. my friends look at me like I'm a nut and i say, it was his music and i smile. or when i say something that only he and i understood or would think was cute. people stare, i smile. its a great thing to have that connection with him still. cause i know he's out there somewhere smiling at me too. he's loving the attention i know it. ;) he deserves it.

so here is to a lot of new beginnings and carrying my past with me wherever i go.

joe carter, you will forever be apart of my person. you are my person. i hope you enjoyed your pattys day. i know you were having a green beer somewhere with someone. i know you were looking down on us like you always do. your a great man. you will always hold a very special key to my heart. we have had some serious discussions lately and i know your okay with and supporting all the decisions i am making lately. i promise i will do nothing short of making you proud for the rest of my life. i want you to be like "yep thats my wifey and mother of my child and she knows what she's doing." to all your angel friends, cause i still brag about you to my real friends. you may not have been perfect, but you are mine and that makes you perfect to me. i miss you more with every breath i take and the pain of not having you here is exhausting. i will never be the same without you, but I'm starting to define myself again and find a new me that hopefully you will love just as much. you've impacted my life more than you will ever know. and for that i am forever grateful. you'll always be my world. xoxo <3 

missing you tonight.

i will always remember you baby <3 

I'm missing you so much today.

thank you for an incredible day. 

i ruined it..

..the last thing i had. i ruined it.

i memoralized joes fb.

thinking it was for the best. 

the timeline changes were going to effect it. and i wanted to save my memories.

but it took everything away.

our relationship status.

i can't tag him in anything.

no one can search for him.

i ruined it.

the last thing i had of his. 

i ruined it.

i sold his car. our apt. our cat. i don't wear my ring. his phone number belongs to someone else now.

he's gone.

100% GONE.

and I'm not okay with it.