one side of the story.

so it was brought to my attention that my blog is a little biased.

now, i knew this. 

of course it is. its my blog about my grief.

but this is a little one sided. 

so i talked it out with a really good friend

and

i realize i only blog when I'm sad and when I'm in the darkest places of grief.

and thats not fair.

because to an outside eye, 

i would seem like a basket case.

but I'm not.

i am actually very very well put together on a daily basis.

so i have decided i need to put forth more effort to blog about the good as well.

blog about the happy days.

blog about the good things that happen.

blog about the days where all i do is laugh.

but also blog about the hard times and the dark days.

my life needs balance.

i need to be more up front with my blogger friends.

i am NOT a sad mopey girl anymore.

i have my moments. but i have been able to contain them to the privacy of my own room. 

i laugh on a daily basis.

i have a genuine smile these days.

wanna know why?

i thought so.

i LOVE LOVE LOVE my job.

i am 100% content doing what i do.

i have come to terms with my loss. 

do i miss him less? no. have i come to terms with it? yeah kinda.

i have an adorable little princess.

i have incredible friends.

i have finally accepted that its okay to fall in love again.

its okay to casually date.

its okay to move forward. not on, forward.

so, no more only sad sad sad posts.

time to get the real story. 

the real kayla.

both sides of the story. 

starting tomorrow

with my trip to the orthopedic.

blahhhh. 

:) 

the man behind the photos.

today is our anniversary.

happy 3 years baby love :)

so i realize i haven't blogged about joe. all about joe.

what he was like.

what he wasn't.

the ins and outs only i knew.

so thats what this is.

lets talk about the man behind  the photos.

(bear with me. I'm typing one handed..another story for another day.)

okay.

joseph hunter carter.

born: April 1st 1988.

where?: Boulder, CO

joe was adopted by the Carters when he was 8. 

his birth mom Susan couldn't take care of him and the Carters took him in.

favorite color? black.

favorite food? cheese anything. cheese tortilla. cheese burrito. grilled cheese. mac & cheese. cheese.

favorite drink? mountain dew. 

favorite alcohol? budlight lime. girl drink i know.

favorite music? techno or gangster ghetto crap. weirdo.

best friend? me. mat. nick. kyle. adam.

biggest flaw? hm. over analytical. he freaked out so easily.

most attractive feature? confidence, and his eyes & smile.

what made me fall in love with him? he made me laugh. and for the first time i could be myself around someone. he was always my biggest fan even when i was making bad choices. he gave me the self confidence i needed.

what he was best at? music. finding music. he LOVES music. its sick. but he was good at it. so good at it.

-hes a kid at heart. he watched cartoons more than a 10 year old.

-he acts like a clown in public. he doesn't care who stares and the more people that stare the happier he is.

-he views strange things as beautiful. hello he wanted to marry me. ha.

-he has a heart 10000000 times what you would think.

-he kinda played this BA attitude to people he didn't know. he thought he was someone. but deep down he would really give you the shirt off his back if you needed it.

-he wanted to change the world.

-he always wanted to "invent" something.

-he had all these ideas in his head of amazing things. sometimes i would just look at him and be like babe where did you come up with that? but then later i would be like dang he may be on to something.

-he never ever ever thought he was good enough for ANYONE or thought he was doing anything right.

-he struggled with anxiety and depression.

-he played xbox more than he breathed.

-and he was damn good at it. 

-he spent more time in the bathroom mirror in one day than me and all my high school friends and i combined for prom. no exaggeration.

-he really didn't like kissing. but i made him do it anyway.

-he was a neat freak. i wake up on a saturday to the freaking vacuum at 830 am cause he couldn't sleep because the room needed to be vacuumed. no lie.

-he was NOT a handy man. he couldn't fix anything.

-he LOVES soccer.

-he LOVES the bengals.

-he always snuggled me to sleep.

-he refused to ever be seen shirtless. 

-he was always on top of our finances. he checked online banking more than he text me.

-he was a technology geek.

-my boyfriend was a geek.

-he was so in love with me and i didn't realize exactly how much until it he was in a coma.

-he was a drama king. so so so much drama.

-he didn't grow up until i gave him the ultimatum with alexis coming.

-the day alexis was born i can guarantee you was the happiest day of his life. I've never seen him glow like he did when he was around her.

-he was my everything.

-he would never wear the same pair of socks twice. we bought socks a lot.

-but he would wear the same NASTY DIRTY puma tennis shoes.

-he wore shorts in the winter. and pants in the summer.

-hes backwards.

-he had an awful temper.

- he would have done anything to make me happy.

- he was NOT perfect.

-we fought at least once everyday.

- i thought about moving out and didn't think we would last once a week.

-but we always worked it out.

-he loves his family. i don't think they knew how much he really idolized them.

- joe put his big brother on a pedestal. Joey was his idol. he never thought he would be as good as his brother was and always wanted to be closer to him. 

-he would wear black on black everyday if he could.

-he thought he looked best in a black v neck tee.

-he had a soft spot for cats. in the course of a 3 year relationship we had 3. 

- he played computer games with mat all the way until he was 22.

-if he had it his way, he would have NEVER EVER EVER worked again.

- he played the lottery like it was his job.

-he was going to win one day and he was going to be set.

-never work again, pay off his bills, give some to his family and be happy.

-he was a planner.

-everything was ALWAYS planned WAYYYY in advance.

-if we went to the movies, we were there 45 minutes early, no lie.

-oh yeah, we saw a movie every friday.

-and ate chipotle (GROSS) but he LOVED it.

-he worried about money so much.

- he never ever had enough money.

-he was a litttttttle OCD.

-by a little i mean ALOT.

-he carried his phone around in a "blanket" i called it. which was a stupid towel thing.

-he took care of the stuff he bought.

-he took care of his family.

-but he made sure he didn't forget himself in that process. he wasn't that humble. ha.

-he loved others with all his heart.

-he just wanted to help people.

-he was SO funny.

-he would say the stupidest crap but could also be so sappy and cute. 

- i got a sappy love text once a day, back then it was annoying. now i reread them everyday.

-the last text i ever got says " they are starting soon. i love you both so much. i will talk to you asap."

there is so much more to my joe, but this gives you a little light into the man behind the pictures.

the love we shared was one that couldn't be made up. its stuff for the movies and everyone should get to feel that once in their life.

although my time with him was short, i wouldn't give any of it up for anything.

id give my whole world for one more day with him.

i take him with me everyday and still am able to fall more in love with him just from the stories i hear from  others and my memories.

there will never ever be another man like my joe.

and i wouldn't have it any other way.

he is my joe.

although i may move forward with my life, and find a man who can treat me just as good, there will never be another man like joe in my life and my heart will always beat to the sound of his drum. he is forever apart of me.

"our love is like the wind, although i may not be able to see it, i can feel it."

joe and i will always be in love.

happy anniversary baby tiger <3 

can't believe its been 3 years since that moment in your driveway when you FINALLY asked me to be your "woman" 

i love you more than the stars in the sky. 

strike out.

so i have made a big girl decision.

and guess what.

it bit me right in my butt.

joe has been gone for almost 9 months. 

its been the longest hardest worst 9 months I've ever experienced. 

but i decided it was time to go on a big girl date.

with someone new.

i found a guy who i clicked with.

he understands my situation. 

whole story up front.

no lies. no secrets.

100% up front from the beginning.

so i said what the heck.

fail.

we went to opening day.

yes, i took him to opening day. my tickets. 

we had fun.

laughter. smiles. no stress. no tears.

he's the real deal.

butttt.

Drew Stubbs wasn't the only one striking out on Thursday.

he's CLEARLY not looking for what i am.

hes a great catch.

and i really like him.

but i don't see it working.

so here i am.

having my first non-joe-boy-related break down.

its different.

but it still hurts.

you win some and you lose some right?

this girl just loses a lot.

but thats okay.

one day ill get it right.

until then,

its me, my iPod, and my tears. 

three strikes and your out girl.

why can't you just send me someone who's ready for this life!? just make it easy. I've already suffered enough.

xo.

its almost here.

i survived.

the first big day.

now I'm on the days to follow.

starting with our "3 year" anniversary.

Tuesday, April 10th 2012 we will be an "official couple" for 3 whole years.

dangggg.

since we have been close friends since 2005 it doesn't seem like its ONLY been 3 years.

but thats still a long time.

my longest relationship.

i remember the day like it was yesterday. 

he was home from college on break.

Tuesday April 7th, 2009 i went to his parents house and we watched movies.

head over heels in love already.

then he went back to BG for 3 days to take exams.

so i got 3 days of cute sappy FB status and text messages.

came back on Friday April 10th.

didn't get home until almost 730 which was WAY later than he had planned.

i was still in high school at the time.

the plan was he was picking me up from school.

didn't happen.

so anyway.

i get all dressed up just like he asked.

he shows up with yellow roses/bouquet

in his black on black.

yummmm.

and we go to Bravo.

which then became our restaurant. delicious btw.

so were eating.

and he hands me a small box.

inside, 

a diamond necklace. 

i still wear it to this day.

now, it has been lost since then.

but replaced with an identical one.

anyway.

so then we go see Ghost of Girlfriends Past.

appropriate right? ha.

afterwards he drives me home in his awesome car (our tC) which i sold :(

and in the driveway he asks me to be his girlfriend. officially and kisses me for the first time.

whole life made.

so for our 1 and 2 year anniversaries we went to Newport to the aquarium. 

its our thing.

so now I'm at the decision making point.

do i go again this year?

take alexis and keep the tradition going?

or do i let that rest with him?

let that be "our thing"

i mean really, am i never going to go to the aquarium again?

idk i can def arrange that.

but do i want to do that to myself and alexis?

maybe i should go alone without alexis?

maybe i should do nothing all day?

who knows.

i have a couple days.

its been almost 9 months since I've heard his voice.

tomorrow will be 9 months since I've heard his voice.

July 4th he went into his coma.

and i never heard his voice again after that.

were at the beginning of the end.

another blog for another day.

cake. beer. and memories.

happy birthday love! 

your birthday was a COMPLETE success. 

i had ONE meltdown,

thats pretty good! 

the morning was rough. i was mad.

so so mad.

i didn't want to face the day.

so i packed the kid up.

went to church. 

then we went and picked up his birthday cake.

then we went to the cemetery.

alexis got to run around.

she was so cute.

she says daddy daddy.

i love it,

hate that she is saying it to a stone but ill take what i can get.

then his 2 best friends showed up.

it was just what i needed.

so we talked.

all about joe.

and then we ate cake.

and they brought joes FAVORITE beer, Budlight Lime.

and we laughed.

and we remembered.

it was the perfect day and exactly how joe would have spent the day.

with his girls & his "bromace" as i called it.

with cookie cake, beer, sunshine and laughter.

she loves his picture.

he LOVES spongebob, cookies, and cake :)

hanging out with uncle mat.

mother of the year here with my child around alcohol. oops. 

happy birthday daddy! 

one day done, a million to go.

heres to survival! 

happy birthday baby.

your birthday is in 1 short hour.

you should be 24.

but you will forever be 23. 

one day i will turn 24 and that will be the hardest age to turn.

last year on your birthday...

you worked. 

our princess was so little. 

so we had birthday cake

and stupid cards.

and then our sweet jack jack had a stroke

and he died.

and we were so sad.

but we still celebrated your birthday. 

and we were happy.

and it was a great great day.

i can picture it right now.

this year on your birthday...

i am going to go to the cemetery.

and sit by myself. 

and cry. and cry. and cry.

I'm going to try to be happy.

but I'm crying writing this thinking about it.

I'm going to eat the spongebob birthday cake i ordered for you.

is that cheating on my diet? yes. but are you worth it? 100%.

i cannot imagine celebrating your birthday without you.

but I'm going to.

and its going to be so hard.

you should be here for your birthday. its YOUR birthday.

its a day ALL ABOUT YOU.

if you were here we would be spending the day together. 

me you and baby girl.

we would go to dinner. 

we would have cake.

we would kiss and be cute. 

we would be in love.

we would be together.

if i could tell you how much i missed you it would fill all the pages i could write on here. 

not a single day goes by that i don't think about you or talk about you in my daily conversation. 

there are so many different things that remind me of you. music, your child, your cds, your favorite foods, your hoodies, your pictures, the things you bought me, and so much more. 

your everywhere i go and to me thats almost comforting. 

i am absolutely beside myself about the upcoming days.

your birthday. our anniversary. your one year marker of being gone. 

its going to be the hardest thing ill ever do.

but i know your standing right beside me holding me up the whole time.

so heres to embracing the tears, remembering the memories, wishing you were here, and eating lots of cake. 

you better help me work these pounds off after this! 

i love you so so much joe carter.

happy birthday angel. 

xoxox.

sleep

its a strange thing what no sleep can do to you.

the days after joe passed i COULDNT sleep.

like nothing i did made those eyes close.

i ended up having to take something to sleep.

but heres the thing.

it was healing. 

i NEEDED that time of no sleep to make my grief real and to deal with my loss.

on the other hand.

i have slept 3 hours in 48 hours.

i am e.x.h.a.u.s.t.e.d.

my sweet baby has hand foot and mouth( thanks daycare) 

and she refuses to sleep at night. 

so. monday night we slept for 40 minutes. 

yep. 4.0. minutes.

then i went to work and worked 8 hrs. 

then i took her to the dr.

then i had to do some shopping.

then i came home.

try this again.

last night, tuesday night,

we slept 2 hours.

thats right.

120 minutes.

160 minutes in 48 hours.

FAIL.

then again today i worked 8 hours.

i was an hour late to work. because i decided to "lay here" for 30 minutes and fell asleep for an hour.

one of my 2 hours last night i was supposed to be working! 

so bottom line,

i need some sleep.

but tonight looks no more promising than yesterday or the day before.

fever. crying. blisters. crying.

where is her father!? 

sadly, im kinda mad at him.

 I'm tired of being up ALL night alone.

its the fact that I'm ALONE all night thats the kicker.

just me and my screaming child.

and my tears of course.

heres to being a single, widowed mother.

living the dream.

not.