strength.

strength.

i never knew what it was like to truly have strength until i lost my entire universe.

i look back on it and realize how far i have come.

i know it didnt seem like it at the time

because i go back and read my blog posts or posts to joe and i thought i was sinking.

but look at me.

a year out and i am still standing. 

people dont understand why i do things the way i do.

like why i blog.

or why i still write to joe on a regular basis.

why i still watch my videos of him. 

why i still look at our pictures.

why i still keep his stuff boxed up.

why i re read our facebook posts.

no one gets it.

but heres the deal that i have FINALLY realized.

i do not need anyone to get it.

no one has to get it because thankfully there are not alot of people who have went through this.

and the people who have been through it, get it.

but no one knows what i have been through unless they have experienced it.

so here is my message to the people who want to judge me and look down on me:

you have NO idea what ive been through.

you have NO idea what i STILL go through daily.

i have been through more in my 20 years of life than most people go through in 50+ years. 

and i am thankful for that.

as much as i wish you understood what i go through.

i am THANKFUL not everyone has to feel the way i feel. 

go through what i go through.

i have a select group of friends who know EXACTLY what i deal with.

these are my widow ladies and i dont know where id be without them.

but to those of you who dont get our life.

please dont judge us. 

please dont try to understand something that is unfathomable.

please just let us do what we need to do to get through the day to day 

and respect the fact that we have faced more than most people ever have to face

and i am 20 years old.

i am 20 and i can proudly say i am stronger than most grown women.

and for that,

i am proud.

and joe would be proud too.