cant have a rainbow without some rain..

im praying there is some validity in that statement.

things have hit a rough patch.

well, i didnt know rock bottom had so many rough patches. 

im just overwhelmed

with life.

working somewhere im not 100% happy.

going to school 4 days a week.

raising a toddler, alone.

having ONE solid friend in my life.

{dont get me wrong, she is my other half and i love her to pieces, but where are all those people that were all over me a year ago? 

where are the people who SWORE We would be friends forever.

HA.

good friends right? not. }

joes grandma is really sick.

i wasnt super close with her, which i wish i could say differently but i wasnt.

but im still distraught that she is going to pass.

joes parents are selling their house.

this house and i have a meaningful connection.

this house is where my love story started.

my first date with joe, we went out and then watched movies at his house.

the house thats going to belong to someone else.

our first kiss, in that driveway.

the first time he told me he loved me, in that driveway.

the first time his family met our daughter, in that kitchen.

the first place i went after i put him in the ground, that house.

that house has been the place of 90% of my memories.

and its now going to go too.

just like everything else that ties me to him.

i wish i had the ability to go backwards.

or the strength to deal with all this.

cause right now i dont have either.

and im stuck inbetween a rock and a hard place.

i dont know what to do.

maybe its time to talk to someone?

but what do i say?

im sad. i miss my dead boyfriend. i dont know how to cope.

thats not obvious or anything.

i just dont get it.

my mom claims i "just want attention" but thats not it.

at all. 

i could care less who pays attention. no one does anyway.

i just want to feel better.

100%.

i want to feel complete.

i want to feel loved like i did.

i want to be ANNOYED by how much someone loves me like i was with joe.

i want to be happy.

i want to have smile that touches my soul again.

i think its going to take alot of work to get there.

but i plan to make any and all efforts at this point.

i need to find a SOLID group of support.

good friends.

i need to embrace  the support i have.

but i need to rid myself of the negative. the people who dont stand behind me.

and maybe just maybe,

i need to get some help.

<3