thankful...?

thanksgiving.

all these HAPPY people who are SUPER thankful for their FANTASTIC lives.

none of those words describe me or my life.

i have struggled to write this post for daysssss.

what am i thankful for...? being a single mom...? losing the man i love at 20 years old...? defending myself and my emotions on a DAILY basis...? having to explain to my baby one day why her daddy isn't here...?  thinking of being alone for a long long time...?

no. none of the above.

i am not a happy girl. so happy girls don't sit around and gather lists of what they are thankful for, but here is the list that it took me 10 days to come up with.

1. my princess. she is my rock. i don't know where i would be without her. she is the only thing that gets me out of my bed on a daily basis. she is my personal memory of joe i don't have to share or worry about fading. she is mine. she is his. and she is so much like him it is unfathomable.

2. my memories. no one can take my memories, alter them, tell me how they went or how i should feel about them.

3. my ring. it is such a symbol of my love with joe and it is a materialistic thing i can hold in my hand and remember him & our love & the moment he gave it to me.

4. my in laws. i am blessed by having such a supportive and loving set of "in laws" i know not everyone is that blessed.

5. my 2 very best friends. marissa and jacky. they are my very very very best friends and i don't know what i would do without them. they are incredible and have held me up during all this and will never leave me.

6. my widow friends. they are the only people who truly understand. no one no one no one gets it like they do and i know i can count on them every second of every day.

7. my job. it is such a daily distraction and pays my bills.


7. thats pretty good for such a sad girl.

jkjfklsd!

i wish i had the energy to blog. i wish i had the energy to do anything. i just want cuddle time with my baby.

breaking dawn comes out tonight, twilight was our thing. well, my thing that he tolerated & loved that i loved it.

f my life.

s.t.r.e.s.s.

joe. you can come back at anyyyy time now.

i have been a ball of stress lately. i have tried everything to make it less but it isn't working.

wednesday we took alexis to the dr. oh wait. by we i mean ME. ALL ALONE. this is the first time i have had to do that. and it was awful. :( they interrogated me about all kinds of crap and then they ask..

"how is her relationship with her father?"
really? my response?
"well, he's passed away in july"
silence in the room.

they ALREADY knew this. i don't know WHY they asked me or didn't have this recorded.

fan freaking tastic. just what i wanted to go through.

so then the idiot nurse begins to ask me why and how it happened, and i just looked at her and she was like you don't have to discuss it. i was like  i know, and I'm not going to. but thanks. UGH.

then i find out, she has to go see an eye doctor because she most likely has a lazy eye. great. one more thing i get to deal with alone. how much more can i take? really? ugh.

yesterday she clapped her hands for the first time. its the little things that set me OVER THE EDGE.

i miss you more with every breath i take. i just wish i had you here to listen to me. give me the hug i need when I'm sobbing uncontrollably. help me. please. i love you so so so much joe. nothing can ever take our love away.  xoxoxo.

frustration.

tonight i am frustrated.

annoyed.

frustrated.

i guess ill write about it tomorrow.

missing you.

there is no other word for it.

i miss him.

my body ACHES for him to touch me. my heart ACHES to hear, "i love you babe. forever & ever"

i just want my life back.

i have been in a really rough spot. i don't feel like doing anything. i am failing out of school. i am struggling to focus at work. i am struggling to take care of my baby. I'm struggling to function. i just need my rock back in my life. and he is so far gone. i listen to my videos and that voice is so familiar, yet becoming such a memory. i don't want his voice to become a memory. i want to hear it now. i want my man to tell me I'm beautiful. to tell me i can do it. to tell me i am the greatest mother he knows. to just love me.

i have GOT to get OUT of this funk. not every day is like this, but lately it has been a string of bad days. blah.


can't a girl catch a break.

halloween.

and it begins.
the holiday season. f. my. life.

i write this after i have had a TERRIBLE day. like AWFUL.

i miss joe SO much today. it is NOT even funny.
i have called his phone upwards of 9 times today and every time that awful verizon woman says this number has been disconnected i sob like I'm 2. i NEED to hear his voice. i NEED to see his name pop up on my Facebook or on my phone in my inbox. i NEED him. end of story.

id give ANYTHING just to talk to him. just to vent to him.

i am on the edge of a meltdown. i am so done.
i am done with my job. i am done with my school. i am done with being a single mom. i am done being a single 20 year old girl. i am done being sad. i am done being depressed. i am done loosing weight because i can't focus on anything. i am done feeling exhausted. i am done defending myself and my relationship and my grief everywhere i go. i am done. done. done. i am done. i want out of this life.

i want my joe back. i want my life back. he was the one person who could convince me that i needed togo to school. or could convince me that i am not a bad mom. or could convince me that i am good at my job. he was my voice of reason. he is my everything. and now I'm left alone.

i am so frustrated.

joe LOVES halloween. it is like chirstmas to him. like i have never seen someone get so excited about pumpkins and awful decorations. but joe does. he LOVES it. like idk what his issue is. so today, as i dressed my little ladybug up to go out i cried. thinking that he is missing it. and its only the beginning of the string of holidays. thanksgiving. chirstmas. new years, her birthday. valentines day. his birthday. our anniversary. then his one year. f my life. so from now until july of next year I'm officially checking out. this is insane.

i want a refund on this trip own this road. cause it SUCKS.

pulled toooo tight.

i. cannot. do. this.

i have had ENOUGH. something has gotta give.

being a single mom, full time student, and full time employee just isn't working.
the past 2 weeks i have worked 830am-7pm. then i come home to LOADS of homework. and then i watch my baby cry all night because i can't play with her because i have to get this stuff done. and i sit there and feel like the worst mom in the world. i cannot do this anymore.

no one should have to do all of this alone. where is my help? where is my daddy to the rescue? oh right, he gets to kick it in heaven while i struggle to catch my breath.

small pity party today.