dear joe

the holidays have brought about such mixed emotions.

i made it through christmas with minimal tears. okay lie. lots of tears. but i survived.

it was our sweet princess' first christmas and my first christmas without you. we lived. she loved it. i only cried a little during gifts. it was so hard to cry when she was SO happy. i could feel your presence in the room and i knew everything would be okay. i knew you were standing right there smiling at her opening her gifts and loving each of them. i had my moment, alone, in my bedroom. missing you so much i couldn't breathe. you know how that goes. we've been through it several times. the worst melt down i had was christmas eve with your parents. i gave them the most beautiful photo quilt with pictures of me you you and them and you and alexis. so so so many tears were swapped at that point. i knew they loved it. it gets me EVERYTIME when pops cries. ugh. joe, we missed you so much. we needed your humor and your smile there to make the night. i stress everyday about you not being here. i stress about alexis not knowing you, and her growing up without you. i know she will be fine. she has lots of people who love her and are willing to step up and take care of her. but no one can ever replace her daddy, and she deserves to know you. and i plan to make sure she does. when she sees your picture she will say "daddy. daddy." and every time she is playing alone and she is saying daddy daddy daddy i really think you are visiting her and she can see you. so please. keep coming to visit her. make sure she knows you are ALWAYS with her. and i will make sure she knows who you are. i promised you in that hospital room and i will NOT break my promise. i love you so much baby. i miss you more than i knew was possible and i hope you are enjoying your time with your mom and jack jack. I'm sure your playing unlimited video games, sleeping until 2 pm daily. and spending time with your girls. cause all of that was your dream life. oh yeah, on the beach :) i love you handsome. keep on reminding me everyday that you love me and your here. xoxox forever & ever babe. <3

-your favorite girls.

2011 is coming to an end, I'm not sure how i feel about that. but there will be another blog about that on a closer date to new years.