another funeral.

tomorrow i get to bury my grandfather. now, him and i were not super close, but in the same matter, i have to attend another funeral and he WAS my grandfather. i am watching my mother grieve and it is taking me 1000000 steps backwards in my process of grief. i miss joe, and i haven't even dealt with his death much less deal with another persons death. i can't see people grieving if you read my post about the cemetery you will understand why not. i don't want to make the day about me but i don't know how well I'm going to be able to stand on my own 2 feet. I'm afraid. deathly afraid, no pun intended. i am struggling. today i put my dress that i wore to joes funeral on for the second time ever and i sat on my bathroom floor and sobbed. it was a pathetic site. but i felt i needed to do it. i needed to sit and stare at myself in that dress and cry. and i know joe was sitting on the floor with me. holding me. because i felt it.

i feel like I've been so wrapped up in my work and my life that i have been putting joe on the back burner. it has been 2 whole days since I've had a good cry and obviously that back fired.

but there will be enough tears tomorrow to make up for it. bleh. shoot me now.