its here.

my love-
tomorrow starts a new year. another year. a year you won't be here for. a year without you. 2011 has by far been the worst year yet to come. although we were blessed with our princess, i also spent my last 6 months ever with you and i didn't even know it. so now, I'm entering 2012 alone. without you. just me and alexis. and i don't know how i feel about that. i am so anxious to hopefully move on a little, and make it through more than 1 day consecutively without sobbing and missing you so much i can't breathe. i am hoping to see the positives and less of the negative. i am hoping to learn to cherish the memories we have and not dwell on the month of july. i am hoping to become a stronger woman and a better mom. i am hoping to be able to have a great day, and come home and thank you for it and not cry because i miss you. i will always miss you joe. but in 2012 i hope to be able to take that longing and change it. make it less of a burden and more of just a reminder. i want to remember you every day of 2012 but i don't want to be sad. i know you don't want me to be sad. i want to enjoy the sun again. and remember how much fun we had and live out the future we had planned. your still with me. your just my guardian angel i get to take everywhere. i want to be more positive. that is a goal that we had always planned for each other. to be more positive. & i know with some self discipline and some help from you & God i can do it. i can become the woman & mom i have always wanted to be. although i am so afraid of starting a year without you. a year that you will not be apart of. the first of many years i won't have memories with you, i have to do it because in 12 hours that year is coming, if I'm ready or not. so i might as well embrace it rather than start ANOTHER year hating my life. so here, lets make a list of the things i want to do and i want you to help me with :) were all about lists baby ;)

1. be less afraid. being afraid has caused me to miss out on so much in the last 5 months. its going to happen if I'm afraid or not, so be less afraid.
2. make it 2 whole days without crying. i know its not something i can control. but I'm hoping through these other goals i can make it to that point.
3. let myself be happy. let myself enjoy the sun. and life with alexis. i have spent so much time lately being sad and not wanting to be happy because it felt 'wrong' but you want me to be happy.
4. remember the good times and not just the month of july.
5. feel your presence more. cause i know your with me everyday.
6. spend more time in prayer. God is the only thing thats going to make this any easier.
7. spend more time at the cemetery. i want to make the time to be close to you because i know you make the time to be with me everyday.
8. make sure alexis knows all about you. were already working towards it and she does know you but with her getting older, over the next 12 months i want her to KNOW you. so i may need help from our friends and family on this one.
9. spend less money. i have been spending so much money to try and fill the void in my chest that was left by you, but its not working and I'm broke. you would be so mad. lol ;)
10. change my relationship status on Facebook. although we will never be apart, its something we both know has to be done and i am hoping in 2012 i will have the strength to do so.
11. stop comparing everyone i meet to you. no one will ever be my joe, but there are people out there who are just as fantastic as you are and i never give them the credit they deserve.
12. be closer with your family. we are already close, but i want to feel like part of the family. we will see.
13. be more open about my grief. i seem to keep it in a closet sometimes and pretend I'm okay when I'm not.
14. get my tattoo.
15. start my book. i WILL write a book and i want to get started on it now.
16. help someone this may be the most important one. i want to give someone the help i received from Tameka, Ms Karen, Ms Kathy, and our family. my life wouldn't be where it is unless i had them and I want to give someone the help I received.
17. spend more time one on one with alexis. she's getting too big too fast.
18. scrapbook. i want to finish our scrapbook and start alexis'
19. blog more often. i am a horrible blogger and i need to be more consistent. i also need to blog about being happy and not just being sad.
20. move out and stand on my own 2 feet.
21. sell the car. this will be so hard, but its something we have talked about and it has to happen. the 2 door sports car isn't for a mommy anymore. :(

21 things. 21 things I'm going to need your help with completing. but i know me you and the man upstairs can make this happen :) I'm trusting you.

I'm missing you more and more and thats not something that will change in 2012. it might just increase. 2012 is a big year for us. alexis turns 1, i turn 21. i have to make it through 6,9, and 12 months marker of being without you, your birthday, our anniversary, and everything else that will come. but knowing your right next to me the whole way is the only thing making it possible.

so heres to 2012 baby. i may never get to see you in this new year, but i have you with me everyday and i have a mini you running around my house. just never leave me. thats your job for 2012. never ever ever let go.

loving you more and more each day.
<3
kayla.