3 months.

this day, 3 whole months ago was the last day i got to spend with my joe.

heyyy you :) just had an awesome visit with you! your doing great joe! you have no idea how far youve come! today you were wide awake!! eyes wide open! you were moving your arms and feet and responding to peoples voices. :) you reached for my phone which is so like you. and you smiled at me..kinda but its a smile to me :) you held my hand and im pretty sure you mouthed you loved me. im going to say you did :) keep getting stronger. rest tonight sweetie. i will see you tomorrow. we all miss you & love you so so much ♥


this is what i wrote this time, this day, 3 months ago. and then the very next day, my life was flipped upside down. 


i had every intention of writing this super strong post about how far I've come in 3 months, but tonight i realize i haven't gone anywhere. i am still just as sad and empty, numb and clueless as i was 3 months ago. when i buried you joe i buried the kayla the whole world knew that day too. i was laying right next to you in that casket because this girl, this is not the girl i was 3 months ago. 


yes, there have been some things that have happened that i am 100% grateful that have happened in the past 3 months.


- I have a relationship with his family that I have always seeked. They are truly great people 
and i am honored to call them my family. 


-I have met a great support system. The ladies from my grief group have changed my life.


-I have gained some awesome friends, and fixed several friendships that i wouldn't be able to function without. Joes friends have become my very best guy friends and I wouldn't trade them for the world. 


-God has shown his light in many strange ways.


- I have discovered the impact words can have on someone. Blogging, journaling and writing my emotions down has been the most healing thing ever. I now have every intention to write a book. 


I am struggling with trusting God and knowing he is there and carrying me through all this but each day I find myself trusting him a little more. I know he will take the pain away when its time. If only that would lessen my pain right now. sigh.


I am also extremely grateful for Joe. I can feel him in everything i do. we had a nice cry session on the floor the other day and i know it was just me him and God. it was a time i know the 3 of us needed together. and i don't see it as being the last time it happens. my man is always looking out for me. 


there isn't a day that passes that i don't miss you. there isn't a moment that passes that I'm not thinking about you or telling a joe story. your baby looks and acts more like you every day. we talk about you everyday and we tell you goodnight every day on our desktop picture when we close the comp at night. she will know you. it is my biggest determination. i am not the same without you. but i know you are guiding me through the days. i know you are with me. i know you love me. i know you will always be mine. these are the things that get me through each day. each moment. each breath. 


just breathe. 
breathe through the breaking pain.
just breathe.




missing you more and more angel.