mia

i have been mia. its not because i have 100% been healed it more because i am 100% lost.  i miss my joe more than words can express. i am so unhappy with where i am in my life. i feel like everyone is moving on or pushing forward and I'm still stuck in july 2011. that is not a good feeling. I'm just struggling. alexis is at such a hard point in life to be a single parent. shes into everything and i can't get a single thing done. everyday i think i have epic meltdown and just wish he was here to sit with her for like 2 minutes so i can go to the bathroom alone. idk. I'm just struggling. so many new things are happening at work, they would be SO good for us and our finances but, its just me. me and our finances. and it sucks. it makes me angry. the good the bad the in-between he is who i shared it with, and now i find myself talking to the sky and getting MAD.

one of my very good friends through my grief group had her one year marker on sunday. we got to celebrate by having her sweet princess dedicated to our church. it was a great way to celebrate her man. i honor her strength. and just watching her be strong on sunday in front of all of those people gave me hope. sunday was a rough day for me for certain reasons, i won't make public on here in case certain people read this, but it was rough and just seeing her be strong. i KNEW it would be okay. does it make me not miss joe anymore? no but it makes me hope that there is a light at the end of my dark dark tunnel.

my sister and brother in law called on monday. she asked me about sunday and then she proceeds to ask me a question i could tell she didn't want to ask me. see joe LOVED playing video games i think I've mentioned that. well, joeys( his brother) xbox got the rings of death. uh oh. so she says, " would you be willing to sell joes xbox to us" and for the first time i felt so much peace and was so happy to gladly tell her i would just give it to her. see I've been very possessive of joes stuff. its all boxed up and NO ONE is to touch it. not even me. but i know Joe would WANT joey to have it. joe LOVES joey and of every person in this world he would want JOEY to have it. and it makes me feel honored to give him that memory of joe. and i know joe is telling me its okay. he is reminding me that he is here and i don't need EVERY physical thing like that to remember him but that Joey does need that. when joey looks at that he will see joe and he will remember his brother and that gives me great peace inside. i want everyone to remember joe. and if giving him and xbox does that then i am so thrilled to give it to him.

i love you angel baby. you are my sunshine. my rock. my everything. keep reminding me your here. i need you still, actually now more than ever. xoxox.