im  a horrible blogger. truth is, i kinda suck at everything lately. but yeah.

lets see. the holidays, suck. I'm over this christmas shopping business on my own. its annoying. and expensive. and I'm tired of being broke. today we had family pictures. without him. how wrong is that? oh super wrong? yep thought  so. so so so annoying. life is just annoying anymore. everything i do is tedious. i just want him back.

the stone was placed. how do i feel about this? not super great honestly. yes. the stone is beautiful. and i couldn't have asked for it to be any better physically. but thats not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about what the stone stands for. and what the stone symbolizes. it stands for his death. its there to mark the place that his body is laying. how morbid. it symbolizes the exact number of days since i last saw him. the exact number of minutes its been since he's been on the same planet as me. all the things i struggle every day to forget. to forget that it has been almost 5 months since i looked him in the eye and told him i loved him. there is also a picture of him on it. so in a way its nice, cause i can "see" him when i am there. but also, such a tease. there is his face. and i know just a few feet under that grass inside an ugly wooden box that i hate, is the body that i laid next to for 3 years. the body that i loved looking so handsome in a black on black suit with a ruby red tie. so close, but so so so far away.

i miss little things. like i miss the way his skin was SO warm all the time. he was NEVER EVER EVER cold. i remember when it was FREEZING that i would curl up next to him and i was instantly warm. no blanket, jacket, sweats needed. just my man. and i miss the way he ALWAYS smelled like Panera Bread. ALWAYS. and i HATED it. i miss the way he called himself boyfriend. and i was girlfriend. no matter what our relationship status changed to, he was bf. and i was gf. in this cute made up voice he had and only used with me. i miss my good morning baby texts messages. and i miss my goodnight my love phone calls. i miss him keeping me up to date on the new food coming to Panera or the new music on the radio before it was even on the radio. I miss everything about you joe.

the holidays suck without him. he would LOVE seeing and shopping for alexis. i know he is "here" but lets face it, thats NOT comforting. sorry people.


ugh cranky, emotional, missing my man tonight.
im entitled to that correct? i vote yes.
<3