5 months.

5 months. 153 days. 3672 hours. 220320 minutes.. 5 whole months.


today is 5 months. almost half a year.


can i believe that? no.


do i want to believe that? no.


lets see where I'm at now that I'm 5 months out.


would i say i am all better? absolutely not. would i say i am at a better place than i was 2 months ago? absolutely. Joe is helping me everyday get a little bit stronger i believe. i am capable of having EXTREMELY good days now. Its not that I don't think of him or wish he was here, but i am able to enjoy my daughter. and enjoy the weather. and enjoy my friends. and i know Joe would WANT me to enjoy all of those things. so i don't feel as much guilt on a daily basis. 


but not every day is that good.


even on my BEST day, i think about him 6000000 times a day. and i compare other people to him constantly. i think "if joe was doing that he would... or joe liked it this way... or joe would say..." joe joe joe. and it was always be joe joe joe. its important to me that alexis always knows joe and how joe was. 


as alexis grows i miss him more. she started walking and i would give anything for him to see it. and be here. and hear her call everyone and everything daddy. to watch her kick a ball all around the house. to give her kisses. 


the longing i have for him is indescribable. everyday i wish he was here. everyday i wish i could hear his voice or see his handsome face. everyday i wish i could hear him say anything. the fact that his voice is becoming a memory and looking at my pictures realizing that he is frozen in time. he is not growing any older. i will not have new or recent pictures of him. the photos i have are all i will ever have. that is hard to accept, esp since i feel i have so FEW pictures, which is not true. its so hard to accept all of these things.


so where do i stand at 5 months? better than before, but not as good as i hope to be in a few months. i owe all of it to the awesome people in my life. my guardian angel, our precious baby, my family, his family, my incredible friends, and mostly my widow friends. the ones who get it when everyone else is looking at me like I'm insane. so thank you all, you will never understand how much i love you.


how did i spend my day? in the emergency room. which was so incredibly hard. i woke up this morning with the left side of my face swelled up and my lip so swollen i couldn't close my mouth. i thought i broke my jaw it hurt so bad. so i call the dr. the dr says go to the er. so i go and i have lymphontitus or something. my lymphnoids are infected.  fantastic. 


oh well. 




I'm missing you babe. i hope your enjoying your time with you mommy and jack jack. and you better be watching over us. i love you to the moon and back. forever & ever babe. xoxo.