2012

2012.

i cant believe its almost over.

2012 has been an interesting year for me.

lets see:

it was my first WHOLE YEAR without joe.

he never saw 2012. which is weird for me.

my baby turned 1.

i celebrated the 1 year mark of losing the man i love.

i have held 4 different jobs. 

i lost my mind briefly.

but found enough of it to be socially acceptable.

i cried alot.

i made it through alot of anniversaries, celebrations, holidays...alone.

i had my heart broken for the first time since joe.

i started dating again.

i realized that guys are awful and it IS possible for someone to lie directly to your face for personal gain.

i have been played like a drum.

i have been lied to.

i have been hurt and betrayed.

i have bounced back from all of that.

my relationship with my family has continued to grow.

i found a great church that i love.

i attended my first opening day...with the wrong person..but hey.

i attended more reds games than i ever have in my life.

my love for the reds blossomed into an obsession.

i got to stand 2 ft away from joey votto.

i turned 21! 

i moved into my own place with my best friend.

the only best friend i have left out of this year.

i let my best guy friend screw me over.

i met alot of guys.

went on alot of dates.

and yet not one of them worked out.

until about 3.5 weeks ago. 

i met a great guy.

he isnt perfect.

but he makes me incredibly happy.

and im trying really hard to trust him and make it work.

we will see.

lets hope i can keep this one around.

i came in contact with a group of women last year.

we are all "widows" who have lost their loved ones at a young age.

and we have grown incredibly close over the last year.

and i cant imagine my life without each one of them.

they have saved me from alot of dark days.

and will continue to be my support system.

they are always there.

no matter what time of day.

i love them all. and i hope 2013 brings us together in real life. 

2012 is over. and tomorrow starts another year.

2013, i am so scared of what you hold.

my baby turns 2. 

i will be starting my second full year without joe.

i will face the 2 year marker.

i will grow one year closer to the last age joe ever was.

i will continue to date.

and continue to put myself out there to be hurt. 

but i will continue to wake up each day.

and thank God for everything he has given me.

and when the days are dark,

i want to focus more on turning to the only man who will never leave me, God.

and i hope that will bring me more happiness and peace.

<3 happy new year bloggers! 

holidays.

anyone who has suffered a loss can tell you holidays are not easy.

and they arent. at all.

i struggle alot with the holidays.

especially with alexis.

its not fair for her to celebrate her holidays without her daddy.

even families that are "broken" get to see their kids on the holidays.

and alexis doesnt ever get that opportunity.

i have been blessed with 2 amazing families who do EVERYTHING in their power to make things the ABSOLUTE best for us for the holidays. 

so i made it through one more carter christmas without loosing my mind. 

i missed him.

being in that house isnt the same without him. 

i never got to celebrate a carter christmas WITH him.

which i think in a way helps a little? 

thats weird i know.

but anyway.

i survived.

tomorrow i face the cemetery.

i havent been to the cemetery in a LONG time.

why?

because i hate it there.

it makes me cry every time.

and it reminds me of what me and all the other people who are there dont have. 

and it makes me feel crazy for talking to the ground.

i dont feel i need to go stand in the cold to remember him or talk to him.

i take him everywhere i go.

he lives in my heart and in my head. 

and he is my everything and is everywhere.

and i dont need a cemetery to know that.

but i will go.

because thats socially acceptable.

and i will cry.

and be reminded just of what i dont have.

and how many other people in this local area dont have it.

bottom line?

the holidays suck.

my baby will celebrate her 2nd christmas and soon her 2nd birthday without her daddy.

and i will celebrate my 2nd christmas without the man i love.

ill drink on that one.

the things id give to celebrate the holidays with you. i remember our very first christmas together. i had to work. you picked me up. and we went home. it was so late. i wanted to sleep. we exchanged gifts. i was so excited to give you your ring and your bubble vest. you were so excited. you got me a DS. i felt like such a little kid but i loved it. we were so happy. i mean we had our moments who doesnt. but we were so us. and so content. i miss you so much joe. as i sit here and listen to your itunes on repeat. and wrap gifts your all i can think about. i just wish i could hear your voice telling me you love me one more time. one. more. time. i think ive forgotten what it sounds like and then it just pops into my head which i know is all you. you will never let me forget. joe, my life without you is so different. its not what i ever imagined. i always pictured us ending up together. me you and alexis. we were going to be a family. we are a family. we will always be a family. you will always be her daddy. and if someone else is put into my life at some point they will understand that or they arent my person. you will always be the first man i have ever loved. and i will love you until i take my last breath, the same way you loved me. i miss you so much. i wish i had words for it. i wish i understood how someone could be taken so young and how another person can live with the void i have for you. it just doesnt make sense to me. but i guess some things are not meant for me to understand. but i do know, i love you. to the moon and back. and i always will. 

sadness.

its been such a day.

i just wanna curl up in bed and sob.

i miss joe.

bottom line. 

i miss him.

today my sweet babies at work broke my necklace that he gave me on our first date.

i cried and cried and cried.

that was one of the only things i have every day on my person from him personally. 

i found the heart part of it and have to go get the chain replaced. 

my baby keeps asking for her daddy.

she says that hes in the sky.

and she tries to "catch him" 

its precious.

and sad.

shes 2.

she deserves to have her daddy.

she deserves to know him. 

and she has been robbed of that. 

the world she is being raised into is awful. 

people die at 23 from illnesses that shouldnt kill them. 

people walk into elementary schools with guns and kill babies. 

then the news bombardes their families and the surviving children with millions of questions and plasters photos of caskets that shouldnt ever be that small on tv.

im disgusted.

and im jealous.

joe doesnt have to deal with this anymore.

he gets to watch from above.

its just not fair. 

alone

i am so over being alone.

when i was with joe.

i was never alone.

he was ALWAYS there.

even when i didnt want him there.

he was always there.

and i would kill for that right now. 

i want someone who wants JUST me.

and to lay around with.

and be cute with.

and send stupid texts to.

and be that cute couple.

i just want to feel wanted again.

:(

all these holiday movies are KILLING me.

its been how long?!

tomorrow is 16 months.

2 months short of a year and a half.

and the next 2 months are going to take their toll on me.

in the next two months i have to face

thanksgiving.

our baby's 2nd christmas.

our baby's 2nd birthday.

and 18 months without the man i love.

i was re-reading alot of my old blogs this week.

i would like to think i have come a LONG way since my blogs this time last year.

would i be being honest if i said im not sad anymore?

not at all.

would it be true to say that i dont miss him just as much if not more than this day last year?

nope. it would be the biggest lie i could say.

but what i can say is different is a few things.

like.

i have come to terms with his death.

no i do NOT ACCEPT it.

or question it daily.

but i have come to terms with the fact that he is gone. and not coming back.

and the day that smacked me in the face i thought i was going to die.

and when i really think about it i feel the same way. 

but the fact that i now understand that is a big step.

i have also started dating again.

it has been a DISASTER.

ive had some heartbreak.

ive learned what its like to cry myself to sleep over someone and something other than joe.

and i think thats healthy. 

all signs that life goes on. 

i have moved out again.

without him.

which is a challenge everyday. 

i hate sleeping alone without him next to me in a house thats not ours.

but i do it.

i dont cry everyday anymore.

i can actually go a couple days without tears.

i can think about him and talk about him with a smile.

but i do have days that absolutely defeat me.

but i know its all part of the grief process.

i have met an AMAZING group of women who support me in and out, up and down.

and without them i would be in the ground as well.

now.

my life isnt perfect now.

i still struggle daily with numbness.

i have a very hard time feeling emotion towards the day he died. and the weeks that follow.

i have been thinking about them alot lately.

and when the memories play through my head,

i know i should be sad. and i know it should hurt.

i want to hurt.

i want to cry.

but i feel nothing. just empty.

i get anxious. my heart beats fast.

but emotionally,

i feel nothing.

and this is hard for me.

i have spent the last months of my life shutting alot of people out.

and i am struggling with that as well. 

i need to let people in.

pull the walls back.

not everyone is going to die and leave me alone.

its okay to get attached.

i know this.

but i cant do it.

i need to go to therapy.

i have come to terms with that.

and i plan to make that happen.

so no. life isnt perfect. 

but the fact that i have made any progress from last year 

is an accomplishment to me.

i never thought i would.

and i have.

and i may have struggles.

but i am aware of them.

and i think thats a huge step as well.

so heres to making progress

and time going on.

even if i dont want it to.

its been such a long time since ive wrote to you. i miss you so much. life is so far from the same without you. but i know your happy now. you dont hurt for anything. and i couldnt ask for anything more. i have always wanted the best for you. and yes, i think that life with me and alexis would be the best thing for you. but i couldnt take your pain away. and i wouldnt want you to be in pain just to be with me. thats selfish. you would be so proud of me. i have moved out again. YIKES. but its going well. the bank hasnt been negative...yet. alexis is still alive and well. which is a big step. ive never taken care of her on my own. but were both living. i have been through SEVERAL jobs since i said goodbye to you. haha. fail. but i have finally found one i am content at..for now. it pays the bills and keeps food on the table. i have had my heart broken a couple times. and cried myself to sleep several times. i know you would be so mad at these douchebags. but hey. its me making bad choices. stop letting that happen! send me a decent man already! :) not a day passes that i dont think about you. or wish you were here to hold my hand and see alexis actin a fool. she is JUST like you ps. she now recognizes your pictures. and she says "MY daddy." which has been my goal for a while. her to recognize your face. and now she does. she loves you, you can see it. and i know you visit her. and it freaks me out. cause when she talks to you, it scares me. you know how i am about that. i had panera for the first time the other day. it was an epic fail. you would have been mad. they messed my order up so bad. rudeeeee people. oh well. okay now im rambling. bottom line? i miss you everyday. my heart still beats to the sound of your drum and i love you to the moon and back. you will always be my baby tiger & the first man i love. be good up there. i will see you again, and you best be waiting for me. 

forever & ever babe.

xoxoxo.

horrible blogger

i am a HORRIBLE blogger.

but today i change that.

i HAVE to get back to my blogging.

my life needs it.

so lets see.

i now live on my own.

and its great.

money sucks. 

but its great.

my bills are paid.

food on the table.

and all is good. 

i have a serious headache.

and will blog more tomorrow.

i 

promiseeeeeee.

life changes

so life has been crazy lately.

still battling with my last post.

but on top of that..

i moved.

i moved out of my parents house. 

i now live on my own. 

without him.

check check check.

more things off my list.

this is a list that at first i swore i wanted to complete, but now i dont.

im tired of doing things without him.

life without him is weird.

and i dont like it.

living on my own is scary.

im always afraid.

im always alone. 

alexis wont sleep here.

idk.

its weird living without him.

its weird being alone.

for the first time i cant escape the loneliness.

and it makes my heart heavy.

i miss him.

i miss him alot.

more than i knew was possible.

life changes. time goes on.

these are all things i know.

but they suck. 

awful awful awful.

make. better. choices.

i guess when i lost joe,

i lost my mind too.

because i have become the stupidest girl ever.

wanna know why?

i thought so.

story time..

last year for my 20th birthday joes friends threw me a party.

i blogged very briefly about it.

but it was a GREAT night.

these boys, who were at the time just people that were friends with joe but are now my boys, worked so so hard on my birthday. 

and i appreciated every minute of it and still do.

but anyway!

they invited some of their friends since i had shut alllll of mine out.

2 of my girlfriends came.

well one of their friends we will call him "boy" was someone i had never met.

but he was a GREAT time.

super funny.

super nice.

super cute.

well, i was drunk.

i think i gave him my phone number.

idk.

anyway.

boy and i become really good friends.

we start hanging out all the time.

like daily.

and i realize that when im with boy, everything is okay for that little amount of time.

i became very accustomed to being around boy.

and i liked it.

but i felt like i was betraying the man i love.

so i backed off.

well,

halloween last year.

we went to some haunted houses and i finally knew the inevitable.

i liked this boy.

more than a friend.

and that made me panic.

joe was the only guy ive ever dated really.

so this was...new to me.

so of course i freak out.

and i start wanting titles from boy.

well boy isnt into that at this time.

so i take it as he doesnt want me.

i was so sad.

and refused to admit i had feelings for him to anyone but myself.

and i moved on to the next thing that would pay attention to me.

mistake #1.

so idiot boys to come break my heart. one at a time.

fireman a...screws me over.

who do i run to?

boy.

boy is there to console me.

asks me on a date.

what does this moron do?

stand him up.

fireman b...screeeeeews me over BIG time.

where do i go?

boy.

boy is there yet again with open arms.

tells me to "stop dating idiot firemen and let him take me out"

i say yes.

and dont follow through.

mistake # 2 & 3

so i finally decide enoughs enough.

stick to what you know.

be done with the assholes

and go back to the boy who treated you right.

so i do.

and hes hesitant at first.

as he SHOULD be.

we go out for drinks for my bday.

immediately after that, i knew my feelings for boy are still there.

something told me i should have said something to him.

but i didnt.

i was like ohhh no play it cool. dont mess it up. 

well wrong choice pretty girl.

surfing the internet the other day

i come across his fb page.

and i see what ive been dreading..

"in a relationship"

greattttt.

cue lots of tears.

lots of sadness.

finally yesterday i tell him i like him and my feelings are still there.

but i also told him i want him to stay with his gf. 

i hate it. and he knows it.

but i dont wanna be that girl.

i dont DESERVE that of him.

i deserve where i am at now.

and as much as it sucks.

i have to sit back

and watch

the boy i was falling in love with

fall in love

with someone else.

not something im good at.

at all.

but im learning.

because he is my best guy friend.

and i cannot lose that.

he gets me.

and he treats me right.

and under the girlfriend and "i dont show emotion attitude" 

he likes me too.

and we will make it work.

in due time.

until then.

i watch him love her.

and be happy that hes happy.

because he of all people in this world, deserves it.

so lets hope for the best.

and pray this girl has learned her lesson.

and that good things are to come.

mini rant

i have a SERIOUS issue.

FAITHFULLNESS: any loyal and steadfast following.

LOYAL: Giving or showing firm and constant support or allegiance to a person or institution

these are things i have big issues with...

why?

because NO ONE is loyal OR faithful anymore.

i have talked to ONE tooooooo many boys who have girlfriends.

im sorry,

but if you are having to DELETE messages..

hide things..

or attempt to hang out with someone as more than friends

(ESP if you were more than friends at one point)

you are NOT faithful

and it is wrong.

and i am TIRED of being the other girl.

i just want someone who is going to be good to me.

and ONLY me.

and not lie to me.

or keep me a secret.

or make me their second choice.

i deserve to be someones first pick.

i am a great catch.

that may sound so superficial and cocky

but i dont care.

i have a good job.

i go to school.

i have a car.

i take care of myself.

i am a damn good mom.

i am funny.

i am a reds fan.

i AM a good catch.

someone out there will appreciate it.

one day.

todays just not that day.

good things come to those who wait...

well im waiting. 

the good with the bad.

there are good days and bad days. 

lately its been a solid mix of both.

i am BEYOND stressed about my job, my home life, and my school.

which brings on more baddddd days.

absolutely nothing in my love life is going right.

and im just at the point of breaking. 

my job: i have grown to HATE my job.

when i started there i was IN LOVE with my job.

now, i LOVE what i do. i HATE where i work.

so its on to a job hunt.

my home life: i just want to move out.

yesterday.

i need outta this house. i need my own space.

my school: its just constantly needing attention. time and attention i dont have.

priorities?

it will pay off in the end....right?

my love life: all men are useless and unfaithful. i think i lost my person on july 21,2011 and thats it.

no one gets me like he did.

no one is anything like he was.

everyone is rude. selfish. not understanding. unfaithful. and a waste of time.

none of these men are worth meeting my daughter. 

none of them are worth my time.

and joe would be THOROUGHLY upset if i SETTLED for any of this nonsense.

so here i am.

alone.

waiting.

praying that God & my sweet joe won't let alexis and i be alone forever.

but waiting for the man that is intended for me.

accepting the loss of my better half will never be easy.

and i will never accept it.

i will just learn to deal with it.

accepting means i am okay with it. i will NEVER be okay with something like this.

just accepting.

heres to keeping my sanity. 

and finding a solution.

a new job.

a new study method.

a new house.

and a good man.

<3 

another birthday.

so my birthday was monday.

big 21! 

joe was SO excited for me to turn 21. 

he talked about it allllll the time.

we were going to "do it big"

my best friend happens to turn 21 the day AFTER me

so what did i do?

i did it big.

with my girls. 

and i know joe would be proud.

the night is foggy. memories come and go.

but all i know is i woke up with my abs & cheeks hurting from laughing.

newport was a great time. and i will never forget it.

but with this AWESOME birthday there is also some bitter feelings that have come about.

likeeeee

i am another year closer to an age he will indefinitely be at.

he will forever be 23. 

and i am now 21.

i am one year closer to being 24; an age he never saw. 

that...

scares me. 

anxiety sets in.

yikes.

but no matter how old i get some things will always remain true.

i will ALWAYS love him.

and he will ALWAYS love me.

when i am 95 our love will still be there.

i am going to FOREVER miss him.

everyday. all day. everywhere i go and everything i do.

& time will always go on. 

no matter what time is going to keep on moving forward.

forward forward forward.

and i cant do a damn thing to stop it.

so instead?

this weekend i chose to do it biggggg.

just for you baby.

bottoms up right??

p.s. you would be proud. i held my alcohol and acted more lady like than i expected.

thanks for watching over me angel.

you have no idea how much i love you & miss you daily. 

your my everything. 

happy birthday to meeeee.

one more thing to check off my list. 

pain

After facing the loss of losing the person you love,

you would think that id be the strongest person alive.

W R O N G

people tell me all the time how "proud" they are of me. and how "strong" i am.

little do they know?

i suffer from everyday pain just like everyone else.

disappointment.

betrayal.

sadness.

jealousy.

just because i have been through the worst thing of my life doesnt mean i can handle anything.

and honestly?

not to play the "widow" card.

but you think that when people KNOW about your story,

if they had intentions to screw you over they just wouldnt.

in my head i view it as:

" wow. this person has been through so much in the last year.

they REALLY dont deserve any more nonsense."

but.

no such luck.

i guess the difference here is i would never INTENTIONALLY hurt someone.

EVER.

im finally going through my first "heart break" 

since losing joe.

i knew this day would come.

and i knew i wouldnt take it well.

but its here.

and im doing okay.

said boy has put me through the ringer in the last 7 months.

but i will survive.

ive survived worse.

and ive gained alot of knowledge out of this.

and a friendship that came from a horrible situation.

but it still hurts.

being lied to; hurts.

not being enough; hurts.

being second; hurts.

letting go of something that you THOUGHT was everything you wanted; hurts.

so here is to moving forward

and putting this behind me finally.

for the L A S T time.

he isnt worth my tears.

he isnt worth my time.

he isnt worth anything but my goodbye.

loving this song today <3

"Baby, what did you expect me to do? 

Just sit around and wait on you? 

Well, I'm through watching you 

Just skate around the truth 

And I know it sounds trite 

I've seen the light 

Bye, bye, love 

I'll catch you later 

Got a lead foot down on my accelerator 

And the rearview mirror torn off 

'Cause I ain't never looking back 

And that's a fact "

<3

WHO DEY

my joe is the BIGGEST bengals fan.

ever.

he loved that team even when they were the worst team in the NFL.

every sunday we sat in front of that tv or at Buffalo Wild Wings and watched them lose  play. 

joe l o v e s the bengals.

i say loveS and not loveD 

because i KNOW he watches them every sunday still.

today,

i went to my VERY FIRST bengals game.

went with the bestie.

it was a great time.

and i couldnt help but think about joe.

i know he would have been in second heaven.

no pun intended.

they pulled off a win. 

and the game was great. 

check check check.

one more thing off the list of things

WE were supposed to do & things ive done WITHOUT him.

such a stupid list. 

btw, my reds are about to do it big.

magic number is 5. 

picking up pieces

monday we lost another member of our carter family.

grandma "granny" carter went to be in heaven.

she suffered long enough and she deserves to be pain free.

she was one of the sweeeeeetest women i will ever have the pleasure of meeting.

i will always remember how much she loved me and alexis and how accepting she was of us from the beginning. 

my time with her was short. but she was the greatest "extended" grandma i could ever ask for. 

she will be missed greatly.

but she is finally reunited with the man she loves, her late husband, and she is probably more happy than any person on this earth.

thats more than i can say for myself & that makes me envious of her.

my 21st birthday is in 5 days. 

5 d a y s 

until the day i have been counting down my whole life! 

that is such a weird feeling. 

i am very excited about what this new phase of my life has to hold. 

i refuse to settle for anything less than positive.

positive people.

positive events.

positive surroundings.

positive choices.

p o s i t i v e 

i cannot wait.

i need it.

and i deserve it.

its time to pick up all the pieces of what i have left

and make the best of it.

out with the old and the negative.

in with the new and positive.

even if that means im lonely and friendless.

i will be okay.

:)

pray for us tomorrow as we say goodbye to the sweet clara carter. <3 

cant have a rainbow without some rain..

im praying there is some validity in that statement.

things have hit a rough patch.

well, i didnt know rock bottom had so many rough patches. 

im just overwhelmed

with life.

working somewhere im not 100% happy.

going to school 4 days a week.

raising a toddler, alone.

having ONE solid friend in my life.

{dont get me wrong, she is my other half and i love her to pieces, but where are all those people that were all over me a year ago? 

where are the people who SWORE We would be friends forever.

HA.

good friends right? not. }

joes grandma is really sick.

i wasnt super close with her, which i wish i could say differently but i wasnt.

but im still distraught that she is going to pass.

joes parents are selling their house.

this house and i have a meaningful connection.

this house is where my love story started.

my first date with joe, we went out and then watched movies at his house.

the house thats going to belong to someone else.

our first kiss, in that driveway.

the first time he told me he loved me, in that driveway.

the first time his family met our daughter, in that kitchen.

the first place i went after i put him in the ground, that house.

that house has been the place of 90% of my memories.

and its now going to go too.

just like everything else that ties me to him.

i wish i had the ability to go backwards.

or the strength to deal with all this.

cause right now i dont have either.

and im stuck inbetween a rock and a hard place.

i dont know what to do.

maybe its time to talk to someone?

but what do i say?

im sad. i miss my dead boyfriend. i dont know how to cope.

thats not obvious or anything.

i just dont get it.

my mom claims i "just want attention" but thats not it.

at all. 

i could care less who pays attention. no one does anyway.

i just want to feel better.

100%.

i want to feel complete.

i want to feel loved like i did.

i want to be ANNOYED by how much someone loves me like i was with joe.

i want to be happy.

i want to have smile that touches my soul again.

i think its going to take alot of work to get there.

but i plan to make any and all efforts at this point.

i need to find a SOLID group of support.

good friends.

i need to embrace  the support i have.

but i need to rid myself of the negative. the people who dont stand behind me.

and maybe just maybe,

i need to get some help.

<3 

the unexpected.

its been a longggg couple days.

vacation was a bust.

it rained EVERYDAY.

e v e r y d a y.

annoying.

come home to my job.

lets talk about that.

i love what i do more than anyone you will meet. 

there is something about children learning that makes me glow from the inside out.

but where i work.

i just am not agreeing 100% with their choices.

earth tones in a school?!

no no no

n o

but i have to do as i am asked no matter how much i hate it.

and if you know me,

you know that doesnt go over well with me.

but im going to do it.

and complain about it a lot.

gr.

still dealing with the drama.

its a part of life i guess.

but i am hoping there is a light at the end of this tunnel. 

i got a very unexpected message this morning.

from someone who SHOULD want to hate me.

but instead, they are one of the nicest people i have yet to meet.

but it flipped my morning around and made it better.

to know a complete stranger who i do NOT have the greatest past with,

was willing to go outta their way in their VERY busy schedule to tell me 

things will get better.

i DO deserve the very best.

and to not stop until i get it.

she has no idea what she did for me this morning with a few simple messages.

sometimes you just need that.

& i cant wait to see where that goes and what that holds.

sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.

i am a strong believer in that statement. 

so here is to things getting better.

finding strength in the dark times.

building healthy, unexpected relationships.

and becoming the woman i want and deserve to be.

<3

vacation?

im on vacation at the beach.

it is wonderful.

kinda.

okay not really.

it rains alot here.

traveling with a 2 year old is challenging.

i miss my friends.

but of course.

there is drama.

i left my job on a bad note on friday.

im not happy with some changes coming into play.

and im being a baby about it.

but im a strong believer in sticking up for what you believe in. 

and im stubborn.

and dont want to change my classroom.

i dont like change.

i also dont like things going down when i am not home. 

i hate feeling like people are angry or upset with me when i am out of state and cant do anything about it.

i hate miscommunication.

i hate things being my fault.

i hate having to admit i was wrong.

but i also hate being the topic of conversation 

behind my back. 

but in their defense.

i should have been upfront and honest from the get go.

idk.

i need to not make so many drunk choices i guess.

lesson learned.

life as an adult i guess.

i miss...

ive come to terms.

i miss being in a relationship.

i miss feeling wanted, needed, desired, loved.

i miss the cuddling on the couch.

the date nights.

the cute text messages. i miss it.

dont get me wrong.

i still miss joe more than anything.

and would give anything to take all this nonsense back.

but since i am starting to come to terms that this is my reality,

i am able to admit that i miss it. 

but the kicker is,

i wont just be with anyone.

i REFUSE to be with just anyone.

i will NOT settle for less than what i want.

i have dated my handful of guys since march when i started dating again.

majority have been nightmares.

there is one that i think will always have my attention but,

he isnt ready for what i want. and no matter how much i like him and see myself with him,

i wont settle.

i wont change my standards.

for anyone.

i know what i deserve.

i know what i want.

i know what i need.

and thats what i will have.

until then,

i will watch sappy movies.

miss joe.

miss what we had.

and dream of a better day.

leaving friday for a week at the beach.

never needed a vacation this badly.

also considering dying my hair.

which is hard.

my hair has been the same color/style for 3+ years.

the last time joe saw me my hair was blonde.

and now i want to go a dark brunette. 

little things that become big choices.

school year starts in 1 week.

eek. 

time to get my classroom ready! 

pictures.

harsh realization tonight.

the pictures i have of joe, joe & alexis, joe & i, our family...

these are the ONLY pictures i will ever have.

i will NEVER see a NEW picture of him. of us. of them.

& tonight i realize this is NOT okay with me.

i miss him.

i miss his handsome face. i miss seeing his smile. his brown eyes looking at me. 

its so hard to think about these things.

would he look older?

would he look better?

would he look different?

what kinda pictures would we have? 

what kinda life would we be living?

would we have bought a house yet?

would we be more in love than we were the last time i saw him?

coulda, woulda, SHOULDA 

these thoughts will kill you if you let them,

bottom line is:

this life isnt getting any better, different, or easier.

this life ISNT for me.

this life ISNT fair.

but this is MY life.

and i will move forward.

i just want some new damn pictures!

baby, i miss you. i just wanna see your face. hear your voice, take your picture. i can barely see this screen through my tears. tonight i just plain miss you. i want you back. i want us back. i want the pain of you and all the horrible guys ive dated since you to go away. i just want someone to treat me like the princess you did. i just want YOU to be here to treat me like a princess again. and i promise id be just as good to you in return. i still love you with every beat of my heart. and i miss you more with every minute that your absence is present. i hope your being good and watching over us.

i love you angel. <3 xoxox

forever & ever. 

be good. 

long time

its been a long time since ive blogged.

AH.

not okay. 

i have to get better about blogging. 

maybe thats why i feel like im losing my mind! 

things have been okay. 

not bad.

but not good either.

im slowly getting there.

but there is just always something that comes up.

my brain is still running 900000 mi a min every min of the day.

i miss joe.

everyday.

i have work stress about the school year starting again.

alexis is a handful as always.

there is always friend drama.

and life wouldnt be complete without boy drama.

oh and i start school very soon.

its just a hectic time i guess.

im confused.

about life in general.

i need to decide what i want.

better yet, i need to decide what i DESERVE.

make smarter choices and stop acting on impulse.

stop letting little things get to me.

see the bigger picture.

be the woman that joe would be proud of 

and stop half assing life in general.

get it together pretty girl. 

you only get one chance at this life.

do it right.

live without regret.

<3 

strength.

strength.

i never knew what it was like to truly have strength until i lost my entire universe.

i look back on it and realize how far i have come.

i know it didnt seem like it at the time

because i go back and read my blog posts or posts to joe and i thought i was sinking.

but look at me.

a year out and i am still standing. 

people dont understand why i do things the way i do.

like why i blog.

or why i still write to joe on a regular basis.

why i still watch my videos of him. 

why i still look at our pictures.

why i still keep his stuff boxed up.

why i re read our facebook posts.

no one gets it.

but heres the deal that i have FINALLY realized.

i do not need anyone to get it.

no one has to get it because thankfully there are not alot of people who have went through this.

and the people who have been through it, get it.

but no one knows what i have been through unless they have experienced it.

so here is my message to the people who want to judge me and look down on me:

you have NO idea what ive been through.

you have NO idea what i STILL go through daily.

i have been through more in my 20 years of life than most people go through in 50+ years. 

and i am thankful for that.

as much as i wish you understood what i go through.

i am THANKFUL not everyone has to feel the way i feel. 

go through what i go through.

i have a select group of friends who know EXACTLY what i deal with.

these are my widow ladies and i dont know where id be without them.

but to those of you who dont get our life.

please dont judge us. 

please dont try to understand something that is unfathomable.

please just let us do what we need to do to get through the day to day 

and respect the fact that we have faced more than most people ever have to face

and i am 20 years old.

i am 20 and i can proudly say i am stronger than most grown women.

and for that,

i am proud.

and joe would be proud too.

time to make changes.

the year marker has passed.

i have one more "one year" anniversary and that will be friday and saturday marking one year since his funeral.

i think those 2 days might have been harder on me than the actual day he died.

in those 2 days i had to actually face the fact that he was gone.

and i had to face all our friends and family and admit that.

i KNEW that was the VERY LAST time id see his face.

those days are such a blur.

i was in such a state of fog.

i guess thats your body's defense.

idk.

i look back on the last year and i realize i was SO mean to so many people.

i know it was unintentional and i hope they do too.

but i shut people out who didnt deserve it.

i had such an attitude and was so so angry. 

i wish i would have been more level headed. 

but nothing i can do about that now.

a year later, i can finally say im in a good place.

everyday i miss him.

everyday i wish he was here.

but everyday i am making choices to better myself and our daughter.

to keep his memory alive and do whats best for me and her.

i want to move forward and be happy again.

i want to finish school and get my dream career started.

i want to get out on my own and stand on my own 2 feet.

i want to support myself.

time to start making changes to make these things happen.

stop pining of people who dont deserve my attention and focus on people who do.

out with the people who treat me like trash

and in with the people who treat me like i deserve.

done letting people walk all over me.

time to realize that:

sometimes what you WANT

isnt what you DESERVE.

stop selling yourself short pretty girl.

your worth way more than that.

now im rambling.

im tired.

and recovering from food poisoning.

and blogging random nonsense.

goodnight bloggers.

<3 

one year.

one year.

its been a whole year since my life changed. 

on this day one year ago

i look the man i love, my other half, and my very best friend in the eye for the last time.

i spent the last 2 hours with him i ever would.

i laid next to his body for the last time.

i touched his face for the last time.

i saw him awake for the last time.

i was the same person for the very last time.

when you lose someone you LOVE it changes you.

when i lost joe i lost a part of myself.

i am a different woman today than i was this day last year.

i lost everything and had to start over. 

had to start from scratch. 

in the last year i have; 

raised a baby alone for 12 months.

went to college.

got 2 new jobs.

got a new tattoo.

got a new piercing.

got a new car.

gained a new set of friends.

another new family.

learned to respect myself.

set my standards higher than ever.

spent more money than joe would ever approve of.

its been the longest year of my life without him.

i miss him more every single day.

i love him with all my heart.

he will always be my person.

i will always be his girl. 

but the love is different now.

the aching in my chest is more dull.

i WANT to move FORWARD with my life.

not on. 

but forward.

and i want to take joe with me.

i know what i want.

i know what i deserve.

and i know i am willing to wait until i find it.

i will love joe for the rest of my life.

the man i am with next will have to understand that.

joe and i will always have an unspoken bond that no one will ever understand.

and i never want to lose that or have anyone else understand it.

its the last thing besides our daughter that is always ours. 

today his dad told me "you are the best thing that ever happened to him"

and it made me feel 110% better to know that someone else notices and appreciates our love 

and what we did for each other.

today his family and i met at the cemetery.

it was nice to be there all together.

we have never all been there at the same time.

there were beautiful flowers left.

kind words spoken.

and lots of tears shed.

i admitted out loud to other people how badly i miss him and how much i love him for the first time in months.

we then went to breakfast as a family and spent time together.

it was a nice day.

i was supposed to go to grandpa ds house this evening for a family get together.

but the events of the day just got to be a little much and i needed some time alone. 

all in all it was a good joe filled day.

the weather was beautiful 

and my red legs pulled off a win.

i want to say thank you.

to everyone who has held me up or held my hand to keep me sane in the last year. 

to the ones who have stepped up and saved me from myself.

who never let me forget that joe loves me and is proud of everything I've accomplished. 

the people who i now consider my best friends and family.

i would be no where without all of you.

you all have changed my life and supported me in a very dark time.

your true friends and family will show in a time of need and you all have come through amazingly.

i. love. you. all.

and i know joe put each one of you in my life to get me through this tragedy.

i know he is in a better place and is with me everyday.

doesn't take the pain away or make me miss him less.

but makes it all a little more tolerable.

one year down, 50+ more to go.

babylove, 

its been a whole year without you. 365 days since I've looked into those handsome brown eyes. i miss you more than i could ever explain to you or anyone else. i ache on a daily basis just to talk to you. life without you is the hardest thing I've ever done. breathing on my own without you is like breathing with a 900000 lb weight on my chest. but somehow i survived. and i made it to this point. just surviving this day has made me feel a little better. I'm not fixed. I'm not better. but I'm not as bad as i was. i can smile at our memories. and make it a whole day without crying. i can look at our pictures and not cry, sometimes, and i can appreciate the time i was given with you. you and alexis are the absolute best things to ever happen to me and i wouldn't trade anything about our time together for anything. but i would give anything to have one more hour with you. there is so much i wish you were here for. your daughter is just like you and its not fair i have to raise her alone. she deserves to know you and i plan to make sure she knows you as well as i did. your my angel baby. and i know you are with me everyday. so. don't give up on me. help me through each day still. hold my hand and remind me of our love daily. these are the things i need you to do for me. we talked about this one year ago. i told you i would stand by you if you couldn't do it anymore if you promised me you'd never leave me alone. if you promised to be with me and alexis always. I'm holding up my end of the deal, you have to hold up yours. i miss you joe. there is no better way of saying it. i appreciate everything you've given me and everything we have together. i love you to the moon and back and will always be your girl. 

happy 1st birthday into heaven. i hope your having fun and missing me like i miss you. 

never stop loving me.

forever & ever babe.