me me me

lets talk about me.

because tonight i am trying to remind myself of who i am 

at this current moment of my life.

and that i am worth nothing but the best.

so.

i am 20 years old.

i was born in the nati on Sept 17th.

i have a brother and a sister.

i have a 15 month old princess.

parents still married.

daddys a fire chief.

mama does her own thing.

love the color purple

100% girly girl.

if it glitters i love it.

i am ADDICTED to my iPhone.

apple all the way in my home.

i am ADDICTED to my computer too.

i am going to be a teacher. 

i am completely in love with my profession and am passionate about education.

i will have my BA in education before i turn 22.

i LOVE baseball.

like hardcore love baseball.

i am smiling 90% of the time.

life has kicked me down and given me 1000 reasons to give up.

but i keep on keeping on.

in my classroom i am overwhelmingly OCD and a neat freak.

in my house, not so much OCD.

i will write a book someday.

music is kinda a big deal to me.

i could eat italian food daily.

i can get ready in less than an hour.

my whole family is in the fire service.

and i enjoy it.

i love my child more than anything.

i have lost my whole world and am still functioning.

i over think everything.

i put my foot in my mouth several times a day.

i am an emotional texter and i hate it.

i send a lot of texts i regret. 

i have had the same best friend since 3rd grade.

she like lives in my head.

its a great thing.

remaining calm is hard for me.

i am easily excited.

easily upset.

my emotions are extreme.

i am a cuddler.

i love cute dates.

i love cute texts.

i LOVE coke.

i like to read. :GASP:

my family is my everything.

id be no where without them.

i am addicted to shoes.

heels really.

and skinny jeans.

and sunglasses. everyday.

i want nothing more than to have a love like in the movies.

someone who makes me 100% happy.

and i will not settle until i get it.

i am a morning person.

i love babies.

i like to cook.

not that great.

its a work in progress.

i dance in my mirror daily.

all in all,

i am a fun creative girl.

and i am now down talking about myself.

but i needed to remind myself of who i am. 

and that i deserve the BEST.

never make someone a priority when they only make you an option.

the game changes tonight.

no.more.insanity. 

tumblr.

2 posts

back to back.

shame on me i know.

so i am a tumblr addict.

thank you baby sister. 

unfamiliar with tumblr?

heres my link:

http://krayy09.tumblr.com/

but i see all these cutest posts.

and honestly,

it makes me so jealous.

i justttttt want cute text messages.

cute dates.

cute cuddles.

a man who knows what he has and appreciates it.

oh and exotic vacations! 

one day i will have all of those.

until then,

i will tumblr it up.

and dream some more. 

baseball

lets talk baseball.

baseball is by far my most favorite season.

i LOOOOOVE baseball.

the Cincinnati Reds are and always will be my hometown team.

and i LOVE them.

i would give close to ANYTHING to go a reds game.

and i do.

i clear my schedule at least once a week to watch my boys if they are in town.

i have an app on my phone to check their games, standings, tweets, and any news about them.

and its probably my most used app.

i am a B.O.Y. about baseball.

and i don't care.

this is probably a large reason why ill be single for a long time.

no one wants to date a girl who loves baseball more than anything.

joe HATED baseball.

but guess what? 

i don't care. and he knew that.

he liked to watch FAKE wrestling.

no thank you.

baseball it is.

baseball is my escape sometimes.

its nice to go the game, get so lost in the game with 30,000+ people and just for 3+ hrs thats all that matters.

the reds don't care if I'm single, widowed, happy in a relationship(HA), rich, poor, clean, dirty, if i have homework to do, if my lesson plan is done, if I'm with a nice boy or a total ass. 

they are going to play no matter what.

they are the ONLY men who will ALWAYS be where they said they would be when they said they would be there. 

baseball is reliable.

its safe.

its always going to be there.

so,

as long as the reds are playing,

i will be watching.

cheering on my hubby Joey Votto.

the only man who is faithful to me these days! ;)

win or lose,

me & my house will support the red legs.

<3 

baby dedication.

such.an.emotional.day.

today i dedicated my sweet baby to the church we have been attending.

its something i was torn about.

but i decided to do it.

so,

i went up there. in front of 100+ people.

and i thought i was okay.

and then the tears started.

and i couldn't make them stop.

i could NOT get a grip on myself.

i was a sobbing mess.

and next thing i knew, i was not standing there alone anymore.

my dear friend Tameka who is also a widow and her sweet princess were there.

my besties were there.

ms karen was there.

joes family was there.

all the people i draw support from were standing there.

and suddenly, i felt joes presence.

the tears didn't stop.

but the words came out.

a lot of words.

i rambled.

and rambled.

the word i used to describe our daughter: strong.

not only is she physically strong

she's mentally strong too.

alexis has been strong for me and she doesn't even know it.

she carried me through the darkest days I've seen. 

and she has no idea.

she continued on when our world stopped.

and i pray everyday this is a trait she has for the rest of her life.

she needs it.

strength and a good faith will get her through this journey she calls life.

oh and her awesome mother ;)

she has a tough road ahead of her and she will need her relentless strength. 

so

after making the whole church cry,

and making an idiot out of myself.

its over.

the pictures are awful. 

and when i remember this day, all i will remember are tears.

and the support i got from my family.

and that i did it.

so when i go through the pictures i will share them.

tomorrow i start another journey with my sweet Tameka at crossroads.

grief support group round 2.

i am excited. and nervous.

but its nice having an outlet i can release all my grief and no one thinks i am insane.

besides here of course.

so here is to surviving yet another hurdle.

its been an eventful weekend. 

an eventful month.

i just want it to be over.

can i skip the next 3 months?

but like always,

i will survive.

we are survivors.

my fellow widow friends( my sweet Tameka and Ms Karen)

today was challenging. but i know you showed up. and you would be proud of me. next time don't let me look so dang stupid in front of so many people. we've talked about this. the crying is for at home. not in front of 100+ people. but here i am, checking things off my list. still missing you. and kinda being mad i have to do all this alone. but ill let it slide for today. miss you angel man. loving you always. xoxo

9 months.

9 months.

274 days.

6,576 hours.

394,560 mintues.

9 months ago at this moment I was sitting at your bedside.

crying like a 3 day old baby.

we had just made the decision that you were better off without the machines.

and in 20 sweet minutes you would be gone.

forever.

and it was the beginning of the journey i now call life.

that moment changed my life.

in that moment i lost everything i had ever known.

that moment made me a different woman. 

it made me a woman period.

at 20 years old 

i have loved another person with my whole being.

had a baby.

lived on my own.

almost graduated college.

lost everything i ever knew.

began to rebuild my life.

and 90% of that has happened in the last year.

and i survived it all.

so.

where has 9 months put me?

i look back at my posts from the days, weeks, months right after.

and i have come so far.

it doesn't seem like it on a daily basis, but i have. 

i am a new person.

i dont cry everyday.

he would hate that.

i dont hate the world.

i don't think I'm going to be alone forever.

i still don't understand why this happened.

but i don't scream at the universe everyday.

i am not mad at joe anymore.

i don't think he would hate me for moving forward anymore.

instead?

i have put on my big girl pants.

i smile again.

i go to the cemetery and am not leaving a sobby mess.

i can look at our pictures and LAUGH.

i can remember the memories.

but the details are fading which is so sad.

i have went on a date. 

i have opened my life up to new people.

i have cut my losses on the people who drag me down. 

now,

do i still have days that absolutely defeat me?

yes.

do i still cry occasionally?

of course.

do i miss him on a daily basis?

more than anything.

but am i making progress?

yes.

yes.

yes.

and i am proud of myself.

i do not care what others say or think.

i am pretty damn proud of myself.

i lost my whole world

and i am still standing.

i am still taking care of my child.

i am moving forward.

i can laugh 

i can remember.

i can function.

i will never be the same girl i was July 21st, 2011 before 10:30pm ever again.

when he died,

he took that girl with him.

so here i am 

at 9 months to the hour.

in the time it took me to write this blog

was the time it took for his precious heart to stop beating.

i know it was painless for him.

but it was the most painful thing i will ever endure.

and this moment exactly 9 months ago is a moment i will never ever ever forget.

its a moment i have nightmares about regularly.

the moment the sound my world revolved around stopped.

no matter how screwed up our relationship was,

he was my man.

and the sound of his heart was the soundtrack of my life.

and at this moment 9 months ago,

that sound stopped.

and i now function to a different soundtrack.

i can't believe its been 9 months.

274 days.

6,576 hours.

394,560 mintues.

i will always miss you. for as long as i live. i know you have helped me to get to where i am now, and you want me to be happy again. you want me to move forward and to embrace my new life. i know you don't want me to sit and cry. and i know your with me in every choice and place i go. you will always be my best friend. the one person who knows me when i don't know myself. we weren't perfect, you know that. there were days i wanted to kick your butt more than once. and there were days we fought so bad i packed my bags and left. but for some reason, we made it work. and we got through it. and in the end, we were together. not always happy, but together. and for that i will always love you. so know that no matter who the new man in my life is, i will always love you and appreciate everything you did for me. you shaped me into the woman i am today. you gave me my princess. you gave me my strength. and you continue to give me strength and encouragement everyday. never ever leave me. i need to feel your presence in my life. i love you baby boo. 

xoxox.

:/

 I'm human.

and i have nights where this is all too much.

tonight is that night.

tonight I'm just down right sad.

and when i realized as i was driving in the rain tonight how sad i was..

i got mad at myself for being sad.

I've come SO far.

and then i was like hello sweet girl, you have every right to be upset.

you don't have to have it all together all the time.

so tonight,

i sit here.

and i be sad. 

i listen to his playlist.

and i am just sad.

no tears.

just being sad.

and angry.

im a little angry.

tomorrow is 9 months.

9 WHOLE MONTHS since I've seen his face.

thats such a long time.

i miss him on an unreal level. 

but yet i still wake up everyday and my heart still keeps beating.

even thought I'm pretty sure I've taken all i can.

and if it was a smart organ it would just stop. 

stop enduring. 

but it doesn't.

it never fails me.

so tonight i am sad.

and tomorrow is a new day.

tomorrow i am destined to have a good day.

its an important day to me.

so i WILL have a good day.

i miss you. more each day. but you give me the strength to move forward. and tonight I'm missing you more than normal. and I'm wishing we could talk about your demon child, or the reds, or work, or anything. sometimes i just need someone to talk to. someone to pay attention to me. thats the one thing i lack so much. is the undivided attention you gave me. now, people just half ass pay attention to me. how rude. anyway, i hope your enjoying your time up there. <3 xoxo.

life.

such a long week...

and its only wednesday.

my shoulder is a mess.

my job, i love my job. but kindergarten is NOT an enjoyable place sometimes.

things don't always go...according to plan when 5-6 year olds are involved.

but i have an awesome co teacher so we will survive.

my kid, she's teething. aye.

my love life, disaster. ha.

start with the shoulder.

mri yesterday. appt with dr tomorrow.

pain. pain. pain.

brace is annoying.

so i don't wear it.

my job.

no words.

5-6 year olds and learning our numbers 1-10. 

who knew it was so much work?

not this girl.

but i love every minute with my kiddies.

my child.

terrible 2s have come at 15 months. 

she's a monster.

climbing. 

screaming.

climbing.

climbing.

climbing.

my love life.

who knows.

i FAIL at dating.

its been 3.5 years since i have had to do this. 

i was still in high school.

had no kid.

never been in love before.

and now.

here i am.

with a 15 month old.

having loved another person with my whole self.

baggage. 

i over think everything.

expect too much.

and let myself get upset over nothing.

so I'm working on it.

because guess what?

its worth it.

the possibility of it working out is worth the confusion and the frustration.

and i have to learn at some point.

so why not now?

my new FAVORITE quote. 

i did it.

the question everyone has been asking me since he passed.

"what about your relationship on Facebook?!"

i avoided it like the plague.

and that was okay for months 1.2.3.....6 but then i started questioning myself.

reasons i kept it:

a. it was the last thing i had that was "ours" besides my kid.

i sold the car, moved out of the apt, got rid of the cat, turned off the cell phone service.

b. in some sick way it still kept me "with him"

but here is reality.

a status on Facebook did nothing.

it didn't make my grief less for the first months.

it didn't make him come back.

it didn't not make me a single mom.

if anything it caused more harm than good.

its like a bandaid.

rip it off or its going to hurt like hell if you do it slow.

so i may be a little late but i did it.

and i am surprisingly okay with it.

i thought i would be so sad.

my Facebook hasn't said single in almost 4 years.

but here again is reality,

i am single.

i am alone.

and there is no reason to mislead myself and everyone else.

i am starting to date again.

I've met someone i truly like.

and its not fair to me, him or any future guy if i am viewing myself as in a relationship.

now don't get me wrong.

part of me will always love joe.

always.

i will never go a single day without thinking of him and appreciating our time together.

but this is my future now.

and I'm moving FORWARD not ON.

in reality i want to be happy.

i want to find someone who can take care of me and make me smile a real smile. 

i want to fall in love again.

i deserve to fall in love again.

i deserve to be happy.

joe would want me to be happy.

joe would want me to be making these choices.

time to make big girl choices.

big girl steps in hopefully what is going to be a healthy new direction.

so here is to a new beginning

new relationships.

new smiles.

and reestablished hope.

<3

you know i will always love you, but you also know this is best for your girls.

i wouldn't ever do anything you wouldn't approve of.

we've talked about this and i know its the right thing to do.

xoxo.

a night in the city.

saturday night was such a good night.

i spent the day running errands in the POURING down rain.

and i swore my evening plans would be cancelled.

but they weren't.

the rain magically stopped.

its like the universe knew i needed a night out.

the intense pain in my shoulder, work, stress, and alexis have put me over the edge this week.

so i needed to go out.

so the sky parts and the rain stopped.

so i got all dressed up and headed out to the city :)

now, i had on my horrible shoulder brace so i looked ridiculous.

but it felt nice to wear my skinnies and my pumps.

just me and my girlfriend.

now, not being 21 puts a small damper on evening activities in the city.

but if you get there early enough its a "your already in" kinda deal.

so we went to newport on the levee. 

which is like 20-30 min from where we live. 

but its worth the drive.

so nice.

we had dinner and just hung out.

talked about boys and life in general.

then we got ice cream and walked along the river.

there is something incredibly peaceful about the river and the city at night. 

it was just what i needed.

it was cold.

and my arm was killing me.

but it was so nice to be out and about and relaxing.

it was nice to talk to my longest girlfriend about stuff that no one else understands.

the whole dating world thing has thrown me for a loop.

obviously I'm no good at it and i overreact and stress for no reason.

and its nice to talk it out with her and she gets it.

she understands why I'm not giving up.

and why I'm not walking away when everyone says i should.

she understands why i feel the way i do about him.

and that even though whatever you call this isn't perfect or by the book,

it works for me.

and for him.

and its healing for me.

no matter how messed up it is.

its good for me.

and I'm enjoying every minute of it.

one smile a day makes a day of frustration better.

anyway.

today was a fail.

tried to go to the zoo and it was too full to park so we left. and now I'm home.

in intense pain from the weekend of over use.

butttttt.

my reds pulled out a win and my baseball husband saved the game and it was great! :) 

hope you all had a fantastic weekend!

such a beautiful city view. i wanna live there.

uh ohhh.

so i kinda sorta fell on monday.

down some steps.

it hurt like nothing I've ever felt.

long story short.

i tore my rotator cuff.

FML.

id had 5 kids before i deal with this pain ever again.

went to the ortho today.

have to have an extensive MRI tuesday.

then we go from there.

surgery or no surgery is the question.

im in this AWFUL sling contraption thing.

it wraps all around my body and makes me immobile.

the meds i am on make me SO hungry.

all i do is eat.

but that stops tomorrow.

back to counting calories. 

i have to be very strict since my exercise is limited.

but here goes nothing.

lets just say my right arm is going to be SO strong

and well my left arm,

its going to be a chicken arm.

but I'm willing to accept that challenge.

happy weekend bloggers :) 

one side of the story.

so it was brought to my attention that my blog is a little biased.

now, i knew this. 

of course it is. its my blog about my grief.

but this is a little one sided. 

so i talked it out with a really good friend

and

i realize i only blog when I'm sad and when I'm in the darkest places of grief.

and thats not fair.

because to an outside eye, 

i would seem like a basket case.

but I'm not.

i am actually very very well put together on a daily basis.

so i have decided i need to put forth more effort to blog about the good as well.

blog about the happy days.

blog about the good things that happen.

blog about the days where all i do is laugh.

but also blog about the hard times and the dark days.

my life needs balance.

i need to be more up front with my blogger friends.

i am NOT a sad mopey girl anymore.

i have my moments. but i have been able to contain them to the privacy of my own room. 

i laugh on a daily basis.

i have a genuine smile these days.

wanna know why?

i thought so.

i LOVE LOVE LOVE my job.

i am 100% content doing what i do.

i have come to terms with my loss. 

do i miss him less? no. have i come to terms with it? yeah kinda.

i have an adorable little princess.

i have incredible friends.

i have finally accepted that its okay to fall in love again.

its okay to casually date.

its okay to move forward. not on, forward.

so, no more only sad sad sad posts.

time to get the real story. 

the real kayla.

both sides of the story. 

starting tomorrow

with my trip to the orthopedic.

blahhhh. 

:) 

the man behind the photos.

today is our anniversary.

happy 3 years baby love :)

so i realize i haven't blogged about joe. all about joe.

what he was like.

what he wasn't.

the ins and outs only i knew.

so thats what this is.

lets talk about the man behind  the photos.

(bear with me. I'm typing one handed..another story for another day.)

okay.

joseph hunter carter.

born: April 1st 1988.

where?: Boulder, CO

joe was adopted by the Carters when he was 8. 

his birth mom Susan couldn't take care of him and the Carters took him in.

favorite color? black.

favorite food? cheese anything. cheese tortilla. cheese burrito. grilled cheese. mac & cheese. cheese.

favorite drink? mountain dew. 

favorite alcohol? budlight lime. girl drink i know.

favorite music? techno or gangster ghetto crap. weirdo.

best friend? me. mat. nick. kyle. adam.

biggest flaw? hm. over analytical. he freaked out so easily.

most attractive feature? confidence, and his eyes & smile.

what made me fall in love with him? he made me laugh. and for the first time i could be myself around someone. he was always my biggest fan even when i was making bad choices. he gave me the self confidence i needed.

what he was best at? music. finding music. he LOVES music. its sick. but he was good at it. so good at it.

-hes a kid at heart. he watched cartoons more than a 10 year old.

-he acts like a clown in public. he doesn't care who stares and the more people that stare the happier he is.

-he views strange things as beautiful. hello he wanted to marry me. ha.

-he has a heart 10000000 times what you would think.

-he kinda played this BA attitude to people he didn't know. he thought he was someone. but deep down he would really give you the shirt off his back if you needed it.

-he wanted to change the world.

-he always wanted to "invent" something.

-he had all these ideas in his head of amazing things. sometimes i would just look at him and be like babe where did you come up with that? but then later i would be like dang he may be on to something.

-he never ever ever thought he was good enough for ANYONE or thought he was doing anything right.

-he struggled with anxiety and depression.

-he played xbox more than he breathed.

-and he was damn good at it. 

-he spent more time in the bathroom mirror in one day than me and all my high school friends and i combined for prom. no exaggeration.

-he really didn't like kissing. but i made him do it anyway.

-he was a neat freak. i wake up on a saturday to the freaking vacuum at 830 am cause he couldn't sleep because the room needed to be vacuumed. no lie.

-he was NOT a handy man. he couldn't fix anything.

-he LOVES soccer.

-he LOVES the bengals.

-he always snuggled me to sleep.

-he refused to ever be seen shirtless. 

-he was always on top of our finances. he checked online banking more than he text me.

-he was a technology geek.

-my boyfriend was a geek.

-he was so in love with me and i didn't realize exactly how much until it he was in a coma.

-he was a drama king. so so so much drama.

-he didn't grow up until i gave him the ultimatum with alexis coming.

-the day alexis was born i can guarantee you was the happiest day of his life. I've never seen him glow like he did when he was around her.

-he was my everything.

-he would never wear the same pair of socks twice. we bought socks a lot.

-but he would wear the same NASTY DIRTY puma tennis shoes.

-he wore shorts in the winter. and pants in the summer.

-hes backwards.

-he had an awful temper.

- he would have done anything to make me happy.

- he was NOT perfect.

-we fought at least once everyday.

- i thought about moving out and didn't think we would last once a week.

-but we always worked it out.

-he loves his family. i don't think they knew how much he really idolized them.

- joe put his big brother on a pedestal. Joey was his idol. he never thought he would be as good as his brother was and always wanted to be closer to him. 

-he would wear black on black everyday if he could.

-he thought he looked best in a black v neck tee.

-he had a soft spot for cats. in the course of a 3 year relationship we had 3. 

- he played computer games with mat all the way until he was 22.

-if he had it his way, he would have NEVER EVER EVER worked again.

- he played the lottery like it was his job.

-he was going to win one day and he was going to be set.

-never work again, pay off his bills, give some to his family and be happy.

-he was a planner.

-everything was ALWAYS planned WAYYYY in advance.

-if we went to the movies, we were there 45 minutes early, no lie.

-oh yeah, we saw a movie every friday.

-and ate chipotle (GROSS) but he LOVED it.

-he worried about money so much.

- he never ever had enough money.

-he was a litttttttle OCD.

-by a little i mean ALOT.

-he carried his phone around in a "blanket" i called it. which was a stupid towel thing.

-he took care of the stuff he bought.

-he took care of his family.

-but he made sure he didn't forget himself in that process. he wasn't that humble. ha.

-he loved others with all his heart.

-he just wanted to help people.

-he was SO funny.

-he would say the stupidest crap but could also be so sappy and cute. 

- i got a sappy love text once a day, back then it was annoying. now i reread them everyday.

-the last text i ever got says " they are starting soon. i love you both so much. i will talk to you asap."

there is so much more to my joe, but this gives you a little light into the man behind the pictures.

the love we shared was one that couldn't be made up. its stuff for the movies and everyone should get to feel that once in their life.

although my time with him was short, i wouldn't give any of it up for anything.

id give my whole world for one more day with him.

i take him with me everyday and still am able to fall more in love with him just from the stories i hear from  others and my memories.

there will never ever be another man like my joe.

and i wouldn't have it any other way.

he is my joe.

although i may move forward with my life, and find a man who can treat me just as good, there will never be another man like joe in my life and my heart will always beat to the sound of his drum. he is forever apart of me.

"our love is like the wind, although i may not be able to see it, i can feel it."

joe and i will always be in love.

happy anniversary baby tiger <3 

can't believe its been 3 years since that moment in your driveway when you FINALLY asked me to be your "woman" 

i love you more than the stars in the sky. 

strike out.

so i have made a big girl decision.

and guess what.

it bit me right in my butt.

joe has been gone for almost 9 months. 

its been the longest hardest worst 9 months I've ever experienced. 

but i decided it was time to go on a big girl date.

with someone new.

i found a guy who i clicked with.

he understands my situation. 

whole story up front.

no lies. no secrets.

100% up front from the beginning.

so i said what the heck.

fail.

we went to opening day.

yes, i took him to opening day. my tickets. 

we had fun.

laughter. smiles. no stress. no tears.

he's the real deal.

butttt.

Drew Stubbs wasn't the only one striking out on Thursday.

he's CLEARLY not looking for what i am.

hes a great catch.

and i really like him.

but i don't see it working.

so here i am.

having my first non-joe-boy-related break down.

its different.

but it still hurts.

you win some and you lose some right?

this girl just loses a lot.

but thats okay.

one day ill get it right.

until then,

its me, my iPod, and my tears. 

three strikes and your out girl.

why can't you just send me someone who's ready for this life!? just make it easy. I've already suffered enough.

xo.

its almost here.

i survived.

the first big day.

now I'm on the days to follow.

starting with our "3 year" anniversary.

Tuesday, April 10th 2012 we will be an "official couple" for 3 whole years.

dangggg.

since we have been close friends since 2005 it doesn't seem like its ONLY been 3 years.

but thats still a long time.

my longest relationship.

i remember the day like it was yesterday. 

he was home from college on break.

Tuesday April 7th, 2009 i went to his parents house and we watched movies.

head over heels in love already.

then he went back to BG for 3 days to take exams.

so i got 3 days of cute sappy FB status and text messages.

came back on Friday April 10th.

didn't get home until almost 730 which was WAY later than he had planned.

i was still in high school at the time.

the plan was he was picking me up from school.

didn't happen.

so anyway.

i get all dressed up just like he asked.

he shows up with yellow roses/bouquet

in his black on black.

yummmm.

and we go to Bravo.

which then became our restaurant. delicious btw.

so were eating.

and he hands me a small box.

inside, 

a diamond necklace. 

i still wear it to this day.

now, it has been lost since then.

but replaced with an identical one.

anyway.

so then we go see Ghost of Girlfriends Past.

appropriate right? ha.

afterwards he drives me home in his awesome car (our tC) which i sold :(

and in the driveway he asks me to be his girlfriend. officially and kisses me for the first time.

whole life made.

so for our 1 and 2 year anniversaries we went to Newport to the aquarium. 

its our thing.

so now I'm at the decision making point.

do i go again this year?

take alexis and keep the tradition going?

or do i let that rest with him?

let that be "our thing"

i mean really, am i never going to go to the aquarium again?

idk i can def arrange that.

but do i want to do that to myself and alexis?

maybe i should go alone without alexis?

maybe i should do nothing all day?

who knows.

i have a couple days.

its been almost 9 months since I've heard his voice.

tomorrow will be 9 months since I've heard his voice.

July 4th he went into his coma.

and i never heard his voice again after that.

were at the beginning of the end.

another blog for another day.

cake. beer. and memories.

happy birthday love! 

your birthday was a COMPLETE success. 

i had ONE meltdown,

thats pretty good! 

the morning was rough. i was mad.

so so mad.

i didn't want to face the day.

so i packed the kid up.

went to church. 

then we went and picked up his birthday cake.

then we went to the cemetery.

alexis got to run around.

she was so cute.

she says daddy daddy.

i love it,

hate that she is saying it to a stone but ill take what i can get.

then his 2 best friends showed up.

it was just what i needed.

so we talked.

all about joe.

and then we ate cake.

and they brought joes FAVORITE beer, Budlight Lime.

and we laughed.

and we remembered.

it was the perfect day and exactly how joe would have spent the day.

with his girls & his "bromace" as i called it.

with cookie cake, beer, sunshine and laughter.

she loves his picture.

he LOVES spongebob, cookies, and cake :)

hanging out with uncle mat.

mother of the year here with my child around alcohol. oops. 

happy birthday daddy! 

one day done, a million to go.

heres to survival!