happy birthday baby.

your birthday is in 1 short hour.

you should be 24.

but you will forever be 23. 

one day i will turn 24 and that will be the hardest age to turn.

last year on your birthday...

you worked. 

our princess was so little. 

so we had birthday cake

and stupid cards.

and then our sweet jack jack had a stroke

and he died.

and we were so sad.

but we still celebrated your birthday. 

and we were happy.

and it was a great great day.

i can picture it right now.

this year on your birthday...

i am going to go to the cemetery.

and sit by myself. 

and cry. and cry. and cry.

I'm going to try to be happy.

but I'm crying writing this thinking about it.

I'm going to eat the spongebob birthday cake i ordered for you.

is that cheating on my diet? yes. but are you worth it? 100%.

i cannot imagine celebrating your birthday without you.

but I'm going to.

and its going to be so hard.

you should be here for your birthday. its YOUR birthday.

its a day ALL ABOUT YOU.

if you were here we would be spending the day together. 

me you and baby girl.

we would go to dinner. 

we would have cake.

we would kiss and be cute. 

we would be in love.

we would be together.

if i could tell you how much i missed you it would fill all the pages i could write on here. 

not a single day goes by that i don't think about you or talk about you in my daily conversation. 

there are so many different things that remind me of you. music, your child, your cds, your favorite foods, your hoodies, your pictures, the things you bought me, and so much more. 

your everywhere i go and to me thats almost comforting. 

i am absolutely beside myself about the upcoming days.

your birthday. our anniversary. your one year marker of being gone. 

its going to be the hardest thing ill ever do.

but i know your standing right beside me holding me up the whole time.

so heres to embracing the tears, remembering the memories, wishing you were here, and eating lots of cake. 

you better help me work these pounds off after this! 

i love you so so much joe carter.

happy birthday angel. 

xoxox.

sleep

its a strange thing what no sleep can do to you.

the days after joe passed i COULDNT sleep.

like nothing i did made those eyes close.

i ended up having to take something to sleep.

but heres the thing.

it was healing. 

i NEEDED that time of no sleep to make my grief real and to deal with my loss.

on the other hand.

i have slept 3 hours in 48 hours.

i am e.x.h.a.u.s.t.e.d.

my sweet baby has hand foot and mouth( thanks daycare) 

and she refuses to sleep at night. 

so. monday night we slept for 40 minutes. 

yep. 4.0. minutes.

then i went to work and worked 8 hrs. 

then i took her to the dr.

then i had to do some shopping.

then i came home.

try this again.

last night, tuesday night,

we slept 2 hours.

thats right.

120 minutes.

160 minutes in 48 hours.

FAIL.

then again today i worked 8 hours.

i was an hour late to work. because i decided to "lay here" for 30 minutes and fell asleep for an hour.

one of my 2 hours last night i was supposed to be working! 

so bottom line,

i need some sleep.

but tonight looks no more promising than yesterday or the day before.

fever. crying. blisters. crying.

where is her father!? 

sadly, im kinda mad at him.

 I'm tired of being up ALL night alone.

its the fact that I'm ALONE all night thats the kicker.

just me and my screaming child.

and my tears of course.

heres to being a single, widowed mother.

living the dream.

not. 

let it go kayla.

where do i start?

okay. lets see.

im a mess.

ha.

thats an understatement. 

im struggling to find my sanity again.

i wanna be a normal 20 year old girl.

i wanna live a normal life.

and my life is so far from normal.

and i think pushing myself to find it is causing more harm than good.

so after a LONG talk with a GREAT friend today.

its time to stop.

i need to take a step back and let things fall into place.

the stress of trying to make things work all the time is exhausting.

nothing is ever going to be perfect all the time.

and its def not going to work if it is forced or rushed. 

so,

this is me, publicly (well at least to my bloggers) stating that,

I, Kayla, am going to stop being so consumed with trying to make everything work perfectly all the time.

i am going to let things fall into place and try to accept things for what they are.

now..how does this pertain to my grief you ask? 

well, grief is the most natural and unnatural thing in this world.

its unnatural for all the obvious reasons, like no one should ever ever ever feel the pain of losing the only person they ever felt they needed in this world. no one should ever feel lost and alone. no one should ever have to "grieve" over anything. 

but in the same way its natural.

its the body's natural way of reacting to a great loss. you cannot do ANYTHING at all to alter how you grieve. its going to happen "naturally" and its a needed process for people to go through to deal with their loss. this is something i have learned the hard way.

you have to let it happen.

you have to let time do its thing.

that doesn't work for me. i am SUCH a control FREAK that i want to be in control of my body and how i feel and react and I'm just not. this is one aspect of my life i cannot control. i have to let it "run its course" 

there are days i am so happy its unreal, and when i realize that I'm like this is so wrong, i should not be happy my life is falling apart. but i can't change it. 

and there are days that i cannot stop sobbing or pull myself out of the funk of just being sad. no matter how hard i want to.

and there are days that the anger makes me mad at just about everything and everyone. and i know its wrong but i can't stop it.

its an uncontrollable thing. its sick.

so, if grief has taught me anything thus far.

its that i need to learn to let go.

dont resist.

just let life happen.

cause no one is in total control all the time.

control what you can,

and let the rest go.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

Courage to change the things I can,And wisdom to know the difference.


heres to fighting the urge to be a crazy
and trying a new way of life.
you better be proud of me babe 
cause we both know this is not a life choice you would ever make or survive at.
my little control freak. :)
this is me, being strong for the both of us.
xoxoxo.

new paths. old journeys.

tomorrow i start my newest "path"

but its the same old game.

since i graduated high school i have worked in a child care setting. 

i am PASSIONATE about children and education.

its kinda my thing.

so i was doing my "thing" 

then i had a kid. 

so i took my maternity leave and then i started at a new school teaching when she was about 3 months old

i was content. doing my thing.

well,

then tragedy rocked my world.

and the man i love got sick. 

school was not helpful or supportive. 

July 21st, 2011 3:30 MIL calls school. 

"pops says its bad and we need to get there now" 

school not cooperative. 

4:15 i FINALLY leave. 

my joe is hanging on by a string. 

lets say,

i never returned to the school.

i needed time.

i needed space to get myself together.

so i spent a whole month in bed. 

then i decided i was broke and i needed to get out of my house.

so i took the first job i found.

doing something i hated.

so enough was enough.

i got up off my butt and i started looking.

now,

tomorrow i start teaching kindergarten prep.

i have not done "my thing" in almost a year. 

i am nervous.

but i know joe would be OVER THE MOON for me.

he knows how much i LOVE kids and how passionate i am about my career. 

he is supporting me 100% of the way i know it.

but i am afraid.

who am i going to go home to and RANT about all the AWFUL kids or parents?! 

or who is going to help me lesson plan?

makes me realize another thing I've lost. 

my at home co teacher.

he helped me so much.

i had him cutting out letters, painting things, trying a craft out to see how easy it was, organizing my papers. 

he was like my VERY cute at home assistant. 

that i was madly in love with.

and now, I'm starting my first teaching venture without him.

cue anxiety.

so i may be starting a "new path" but its the same old journey I've been on for 8 months.

8 months today btw. 

my lovebug- 8 months?! how did we get here?! we had a great talk today :) thanks for the nice breeze to break up the ABNORMAL heat here in cincy in the not so shaded part of the cemetery. how sick is that? i spend my days off in the cemetery now. 8 months ago at this moment i was waiting for your sweet heart to stop beating. i was sitting right next to you with my head in your lap sobbing. and in 15 short minutes i heard your heart beat for the very last time. it was at this moment 8 months ago that i felt truly alone for the first time. the only person thats ever understood me was taken away from me. i had to walk out of bethesda north hospital with a bag of clothes and some pictures that were hanging on the wall in hopes of you waking up to see our family. do you know how hard it was for me to get up off that bed and walk out of that hospital and leave you there? leave the body of the person i slept next to for 2 years there. walk out of there knowing the next time i saw you you would have your sweet brown eyes closed and in a box with all of our friends and family surrounding me saying goodbye to you. do you know how hard that was? I've told you like 8,000 times since then. that is a day that i don't even think amnesia could take away from me. it is etched in my heart. like the first day you told me you loved me. ( for real not the time at the bar when you had WAY too much to drink) anywayyyyy, i love you so much handsome. i can't wait till i can see your face again and run my fingers through that black hair and kiss your sweet lips again. i hope your resting and enjoying your time with you mama. give her my love. and tell jack jack mommy misses him. you better be being nice to him. <3 love you angel. 

the human heart.

its an AMAZING thing the human heart is. 

its such a small organ in comparison to what it is responsible for.

the heart keeps your whole body functioning. 

it pumps close to 1900 GALLONS of blood EVERY day.

the average heart beats 100,000 times a day. 

the heart is an amazing thing.

not only is it responsible for these "physical" things like, oh idk, keeping you alive.

the human heart can handle a lot of emotional garbage. 

just when you think if one more thing goes wrong your heart is going to shatter and stop beating..

it never does. it keeps on...keeping on.

my own personal heart?

lord help it.

its been through the ringer and back.

buttttttt its still beating. and its still strong. it can still take everything i throw at it everyday.

I've only felt like my heart was going to break once in my life.

that pain is very surreal. and very easy to remember. 

it wasn't in the hospital when we decided we were going to turn off the machine keeping my world alive, it wasnt the moment i had my kid. it wasn't the moment i laid in bed with the dead body of the man i loved. wasn't when my first boyfriend broke up with me or when i didn't make the cheerleading squad in 8th grade. 

it was the first time i woke up without him. July 22nd. I did not sleep well that night at all, but i finally fell asleep for 20 minutes i think. the moment i woke up and grabbed my phone to call and check on him and i saw the text from my MIL saying "called the funeral home. meet here around noon and we will go down there together." my heart dropped to my stomach and felt broken for the very first time. the pain that day was immense. like, it took my breath away. like a knife in my throat cutting off the air. 

but i lived. my heart kept beating. i was unsure it would beat again after that moment. 

the moments, days, weeks, months following that have all been different. my heart hasn't felt the same since that day. its been heavy. and i mean that in a literal way. i have felt like my shoulders have been harder to pull up and its been harder to stand on my own. 

but for the first time in 8 months, i feel like i can breathe a little differently. 

the heaviness is not gone but its lifted a little.

its a nice feeling.

do i still miss joe? absolutely. do i still wish my outcome would have been different? every day. 

do i want to cry everyday and lay in bed? nope. can i smile and it be genuine? yes. can i answer "how are you" and say "I'm okay." and mean it now? yep. 

these are all positive steps. 

I'm moving in the right direction.

not moving on, moving forward. taking my story and my joe with me.

always & forever. 

xoxo.

memories.

today was my "sister in laws" birthday celebration.

i got to spend the whole day with my carter family. it was a great day. 

we rarely are able to get together all of us and her and my mother in law are getting ready to leave for vacations so it was nice to get everyone together before they leave.

the day was great. the weather was incredible. the kids were good. the food was amazing. 

and the memories were there. 

2 summers ago, joes sister lived in Arizona. she was dating this guy from there and they came to ohio to visit. so naturally we went out to catch up with them. just the 4 of us. we went to Buffalo Wild Wings. Now, I was 18 and all of them were over the age to drink so they were all taking part in adult beverages. They convinced Joe to do Irish Carbombs with them. HAHA. he thought he was going to throw up and he didn't know how to do it. she had to teach him and it was a sight to see. 

she was drinking Guinness tonight so we laughed about it. <3 

joes parents have his hill in their backyard. and it has mulch on it...well it does now. before it was COVERED in rose bushes and twigs. well, joe was home from school for the summer (in 09) and wasn't working. he wanted money for something so pops made him a deal. he dug up all the bushes and took them down to the woods that line their yard. of course joe agreed. but he COMPLAINED the WHOLE time. i mean SERIOUS dramatic complaining. now, yes. what he was doing was tiresome and was a lot of hard work. but such is life. he was more than capable and would have been done in half the time if he wouldn't have been complaining. every time i am in their backyard i think about that day. well  today was the first day we got to be outside with the kids. and the boys were playing on the hill and we all got a great laugh out of the story. and i know joe was laughing too. 

i took alexis to the cemetery this morning to take dada his first spring flowers. it was great. she loves the stone and i love her being able to see it. 

today i am thankful. for memories. for time with family. for laughter. for sunshine. 

for my joe 

and

my carter family 

<3 

i think you'd be proud.

wednesday is 8 months.

wow.

but heres the deal.

i think he would be rather proud of the woman I've become in the last 8 months.

I'm finally getting my act together.

yes, it took losing everything i ever knew to get my where i am now, but i lived and I'm kinda proud of myself.

at this point 8 months ago, my sweet joe was healing up nicely and we thought he was going to be a okay.

wrong.

this point 7 months ago? i was still laying in bed refusing to do anything with my life without him.

now, i never ever ever thought about suicide or hurting myself. but i laid in bed. a lot. i cried a lot. i enjoyed nothing. i had the thought process that if he didn't have to be here and do this, whelp neither did i. i missed a lot of time with my daughter. i missed a lot of the summer. i missed a lot. but in the end, i needed that. i needed that time to dedicate it to him. it made my loss real. it justified my pain. it made me the widow i am today.

but now, 8 months later I'm finally standing up. i am FAR from stable, but i am standing up.

i was offered the job of my dreams. at 2 different places.
i get to teach kindergarten prep from 7am-3pm so i actually will get to spend time with my kid and no more 9-9s.
i also get to sub and work an extended care program at a montessori school here in mason. which is incredible. such an opportunity.
i am finally to a point where i think i can let someone else in my life; the walls are starting to come down. :gasp:

i am making more money than i ever thought i could on my own, i have the schedule of my dreams. and most important i am doing what i love more than anything, educating children. watching them learn. its a great feeling.

I'm finally at a point where i want to help other people. i want to use my grief in a "positive" way. i want others to benefit from my story. i want people to know they are not alone and this is not the end of their life. it may feel like it but we as widows are capable of picking up the shattered pieces and sorting through them.

my pieces are FAR from sorted through. i still have EPIC meltdowns, frustration, questions, tears, sadness, emptiness, confusion, all the emotions i had on day 1 of widowhood. but the difference now is i know what those feelings are. and i know how to handle that. i know what i need to do to get myself through those moments. does that make them easier? no. does that make them more manageable? a little. it makes me feel as though I'm in more control of my grief and that is important to me.

i want to be defined by my love for joe, not my grief for joe. i don't want people to think of just sadness when they think about me and my relationship with joe. i want people to be like wow, thats an incredible love story.

my grief has many many many more years to go. joe will forever be apart of me. and i wouldn't want it any other way. i don't know what its like to be without him being apart of me, of who i am and i don't want to ever know that feeling. he may not be here with me now, but its the little things. like when I'm in the car, iPod on shuffle and one of his stupid remixes comes on. my friends look at me like I'm a nut and i say, it was his music and i smile. or when i say something that only he and i understood or would think was cute. people stare, i smile. its a great thing to have that connection with him still. cause i know he's out there somewhere smiling at me too. he's loving the attention i know it. ;) he deserves it.

so here is to a lot of new beginnings and carrying my past with me wherever i go.

joe carter, you will forever be apart of my person. you are my person. i hope you enjoyed your pattys day. i know you were having a green beer somewhere with someone. i know you were looking down on us like you always do. your a great man. you will always hold a very special key to my heart. we have had some serious discussions lately and i know your okay with and supporting all the decisions i am making lately. i promise i will do nothing short of making you proud for the rest of my life. i want you to be like "yep thats my wifey and mother of my child and she knows what she's doing." to all your angel friends, cause i still brag about you to my real friends. you may not have been perfect, but you are mine and that makes you perfect to me. i miss you more with every breath i take and the pain of not having you here is exhausting. i will never be the same without you, but I'm starting to define myself again and find a new me that hopefully you will love just as much. you've impacted my life more than you will ever know. and for that i am forever grateful. you'll always be my world. xoxo <3 

missing you tonight.

i will always remember you baby <3 

I'm missing you so much today.

thank you for an incredible day. 

i ruined it..

..the last thing i had. i ruined it.

i memoralized joes fb.

thinking it was for the best. 

the timeline changes were going to effect it. and i wanted to save my memories.

but it took everything away.

our relationship status.

i can't tag him in anything.

no one can search for him.

i ruined it.

the last thing i had of his. 

i ruined it.

i sold his car. our apt. our cat. i don't wear my ring. his phone number belongs to someone else now.

he's gone.

100% GONE.

and I'm not okay with it. 

trust.

trust is a huge topic I'm struggling with. 

who do you trust?

when is it too soon to trust someone? 

how do you know if you can REALLY trust someone?

I'm asking someone to trust me and when i think about it, these questions come up.

yes, she is in the same situation as i am. 

she is a young widow with a baby the same age as lex. 

and I'm asking her to trust me. to let me in so that i can be there for her.

now, this is not something i had. so i have no idea how she will react.

she's still in the first few days, like the first week. and i know how she feels. 

so i wonder, will she trust me? 

she isn't the only thing that has brought upon this question.

since joe passed its something i worry about. 

joe was my WHOLE life. 

when i lost him, i lost EVERYTHING.

and i never want to be in that boat again.

i want to love again, with my whole heart. but i also want to be cautious. 

and i want to be able to stand on my own feet if needed.

i want to be the BEST mother, woman, and future wife (again) that i can be. and that requires me being cautious with my heart. and my trust. and my life in general. 

so, heres to new journeys. new friends. new relationships. and old memories.

<3 

i may be moving forward my love but i will never ever ever forget you. you will always be MY joe and i will always cherish every minute we had together. i want you to be by my side and approve of every choice i make. xoxoxo. i love you forever & ever baby love. 

im tired.

im tired.

alexis won't sleep at night because she is sick.

therefore, i do not sleep at night.

but i still go to work everyday.

and by the time i get home, there are a million things that need to be done.

homework, shower, laundry, blogging, Facebook stalking (LOL), talking to my family, spending time with my kid.

it never ends.

hello dark circles.

so i should be asleep, but I'm not.

I'm awake. blogging. thinking. listening to music.

I'm starting a 17 day diet. so in the next 17 days i will be blogging, ALOT.

a lot of life changes are ahead of me. and idk whats going to happen.

but I'm putting a lot of faith in God to help me and lead me in the right direction.

<3

i miss you handsome italian. come home. march madness is starting without you. and your favorite st patties day is right around the corner! muahhhh.
xoxo.

pneumonia, faith, and a book?

so my baby, my sweet little baby, has pneumonia.
pneumonia, the most awful infection that killed her daddy 7 short months ago.
can you say stress? cause i can.
today was lots of tears, lots of stress, and lots of phone calls.

i called my "mother-in-law" and cried like a baby. I'm so stressed. i never wanted to be in this position again and here i am. facing this awful thing again. now i know her sweet daddy is watching over her from way above and he is going to make sure God is taking care of her. but that doesn't take mommys stress away.
blahhhh.
God will heal. God will heal. God will heal.

so that brings me to my next topic: Faith.

after Joe passed, his parents took me to a church called Crossroads. I had been to church but wasn't into the whole "church"scene. so they convince me to go and i fell in love. it is church but with such a modern spin. so then i decided to attend their grief group with my incredible sister in law. i fell in love. with the people. with the atmosphere. with the concept. so here i am. i have been restored my faith. now, ill admit. i am NOT a bible beating crazy lady. I do not carry my bible everywhere i go and throw scripture at people all day. to be honest, i know little verses by heart. but i am working on it. i don't plan to be that girl either though. i have a strong faith, i know that and so does God. now, is it as strong as it should be? no. thats why I am wanting to get involved. I want to get involved with crossroads to better my faith. to be able to auto default into trusting God and relying on him to get me through. i will get there. stay tuned on how that goes over.

anddddd. my book.
I've mentioned that I'm going to write a book. well, i am.
I'm trying to figure out how to get started.
there are NOT very many people who go through what I have went through. and I want my story and my trials and triumphs to be able to aid someone in need some day. through the darkest days of my grief i search for books, for people, for anything to find someone or something to relate to me to make what i am going through a realistic thing. so, I'm going to give other people that resource. I'm going to write a book. a book about grief. about dealing with grief. about the help thats available. and I'm going to make myself available to others.
nowww,
i am BY NO MEANS, ANYWHERE close to being healed. i am NOT in a place where i can say i am 100%. i am MAYBE 40% most of the time. little things can and will set me over the edge, i spend many nights balled up in my bed crying so hard that it physically hurts, i spend many sunny days sitting at a cemetery crying because i just want him to touch me or say he loves me. i spend many many moments thinking of my life and how it should be and crying like i am an infant. i am still angry. i am still hurt. i still question God everyday. i miss him. i am human. and i am not healed. but i am wanting to help someone else. the way i have already been helped. so, my ms karen has encouraged it and I'm going to do it. so stay tuned for that.

thats all i have. today i am emotionally, physically, and mentally exhausted.
i just want to cuddle up with my baby and my man and go to sleep.
but for tonight i will settle for his favorite hoodie and his blanket and my baby girl.

goodnight bloggers :)
<3

you have all my love joseph carter.
take care of me and our princess.
xoxo.

to my love,

hey handsome :) its been a while since I've made a whole post writing to you. i need to get better about that. a lot of my posts seem to be epic meltdown posts. so lets talk. i miss talking to you. we could sit and just look at each other and talk for hours. i think out of everything thats probably one of the things i miss the most. you were my very best friend above everything else. when i felt lost in life, like i do now, you were the one who would sit and listen and you always gave me your advice. sometimes, i would get so pissed, throw a fit and tell you i didn't want your advice i just wanted you to listen. but now, i would give everything i have to have some advice from the best man i know. I'm lost. i don't know what i want to do anymore. i want to feel a glimpse of happiness or something. i think I've lost my passion for life. so I'm on a mission to find it again. I'm going to hopefully start teaching again. i think by doing something i KNOW i am capable of being passionate about i will find some joy again, lets hope. I've also decided to make crossroads more of a priority in my life. i think by building my faith and making it strong it will help me find some understanding through all this mess and I'm hoping that God will take some of the incredible pain off my shoulders too. so I'm going to need your help with that. i need your help with everything. i need you to be strong for me because i am so not able to be strong for myself. I've lost it. and I'm trying to regain it but i need you. i need your arms around me all the time. thats the other thing i miss. my cuddle time. my kisses on the forehead and holding my hand in bed. the arm that was always draped across my stomach while we both slept. or the chest that was always FREEZING cold cause you didn't believe in blankets that i put my head against until i fell asleep and as soon as i woke up. i miss your laugh. i can hear it right now. the sound of it is fading, but i can still remember it right now and for that i am thankful. i miss you telling me to STOP SPENDING MONEY. i miss you giving me an amount i could spend and that was it. cause honestly, I've kinda went overboard. but hey. whatevs.

i don't know if your picking up what I'm putting down, but the bottom line is I MISS YOU. more than ANY words i could write on here. more than anything i could think or say. there are NO words for the amount of anguish i go through every day thinking that i will never see that handsome italian face of yours again. i hope your proud of me. i hope your proud of your daughter. and i hope you never leave our sides.

you better be having a good time up there and you better be missing me twice as much as i miss you.

you better be waiting for me. no girlfriends, your still a taken man. I've got the ring to prove it ;)

i love you baby. forever & ever my babe <3

muahhh.
xoxo.
<3 your number one.