halloween.

and it begins.
the holiday season. f. my. life.

i write this after i have had a TERRIBLE day. like AWFUL.

i miss joe SO much today. it is NOT even funny.
i have called his phone upwards of 9 times today and every time that awful verizon woman says this number has been disconnected i sob like I'm 2. i NEED to hear his voice. i NEED to see his name pop up on my Facebook or on my phone in my inbox. i NEED him. end of story.

id give ANYTHING just to talk to him. just to vent to him.

i am on the edge of a meltdown. i am so done.
i am done with my job. i am done with my school. i am done with being a single mom. i am done being a single 20 year old girl. i am done being sad. i am done being depressed. i am done loosing weight because i can't focus on anything. i am done feeling exhausted. i am done defending myself and my relationship and my grief everywhere i go. i am done. done. done. i am done. i want out of this life.

i want my joe back. i want my life back. he was the one person who could convince me that i needed togo to school. or could convince me that i am not a bad mom. or could convince me that i am good at my job. he was my voice of reason. he is my everything. and now I'm left alone.

i am so frustrated.

joe LOVES halloween. it is like chirstmas to him. like i have never seen someone get so excited about pumpkins and awful decorations. but joe does. he LOVES it. like idk what his issue is. so today, as i dressed my little ladybug up to go out i cried. thinking that he is missing it. and its only the beginning of the string of holidays. thanksgiving. chirstmas. new years, her birthday. valentines day. his birthday. our anniversary. then his one year. f my life. so from now until july of next year I'm officially checking out. this is insane.

i want a refund on this trip own this road. cause it SUCKS.