I've realized im..

angry.

its true.

I'm mad. at joe i think.

is this fair?  no.
don't hate on the dead boyfriend kayla.
but i am.

as i said in my last post, i am struggling. with my identity. and my happiness.

and I've figured it out, i think. well some of it has to do with i hate my job. i wanna be on my own again. i wanna have more money. i wanna be stable. blah blah.

but heres the kicker,

he died. and he took my everything. everything that made me happy, he took it with him.

my future. my wedding. my house. my future kids. my rings. my love. my heart. my happiness.
he took it all with him. because every single one of those things revolved around him. he was my future and he took it with him when he left. so now, I'm left. without the love of my life, without my future, without anything but tears and anger.

now, is being mad at him a smart thing?
no. he didn't CHOOSE to die. he didn't CHOOSE to take my life with him. but he did.
and its annoying. he took my happiness. and i can't seem to figure out how to get it back.


so i sit here, listening to music that makes me think of him, crying like a fool, being mad at the best thing that ever happened to me because he took himself away from me because he was sick. because the doctors didn't do their job. because God decided it was his time.

im not one to mess with God. but I'm kinda mad at him too.
im kinda not happy He decided he wanted MY JOE back. there are 3000000000000049494 people in this world, and you take the only thing that kept me standing on my feet.

thanks big guy.


joseph carter- i miss you. i miss you more than anything i could ever write on here or yell at you in the car. every breath i take burns a little more. every morning i roll over and I'm alone. every time i get good news or am SUPER pissed at work i keep it to myself or go to the cemetery and talk to the ground. i could use a boyfriend hug. a nose rub and a kiss, and you to tell me it would be okay. i would do anything to talk to you. i would even do your NASTY DIRTY panera laundry. just come home. just visit me one more time. send me one more text. one more. one more anything. missing you lover. i hope your enjoying the spring weather up there. keep your arms around me. xoxoxo.