strength.

strength.

i never knew what it was like to truly have strength until i lost my entire universe.

i look back on it and realize how far i have come.

i know it didnt seem like it at the time

because i go back and read my blog posts or posts to joe and i thought i was sinking.

but look at me.

a year out and i am still standing. 

people dont understand why i do things the way i do.

like why i blog.

or why i still write to joe on a regular basis.

why i still watch my videos of him. 

why i still look at our pictures.

why i still keep his stuff boxed up.

why i re read our facebook posts.

no one gets it.

but heres the deal that i have FINALLY realized.

i do not need anyone to get it.

no one has to get it because thankfully there are not alot of people who have went through this.

and the people who have been through it, get it.

but no one knows what i have been through unless they have experienced it.

so here is my message to the people who want to judge me and look down on me:

you have NO idea what ive been through.

you have NO idea what i STILL go through daily.

i have been through more in my 20 years of life than most people go through in 50+ years. 

and i am thankful for that.

as much as i wish you understood what i go through.

i am THANKFUL not everyone has to feel the way i feel. 

go through what i go through.

i have a select group of friends who know EXACTLY what i deal with.

these are my widow ladies and i dont know where id be without them.

but to those of you who dont get our life.

please dont judge us. 

please dont try to understand something that is unfathomable.

please just let us do what we need to do to get through the day to day 

and respect the fact that we have faced more than most people ever have to face

and i am 20 years old.

i am 20 and i can proudly say i am stronger than most grown women.

and for that,

i am proud.

and joe would be proud too.

time to make changes.

the year marker has passed.

i have one more "one year" anniversary and that will be friday and saturday marking one year since his funeral.

i think those 2 days might have been harder on me than the actual day he died.

in those 2 days i had to actually face the fact that he was gone.

and i had to face all our friends and family and admit that.

i KNEW that was the VERY LAST time id see his face.

those days are such a blur.

i was in such a state of fog.

i guess thats your body's defense.

idk.

i look back on the last year and i realize i was SO mean to so many people.

i know it was unintentional and i hope they do too.

but i shut people out who didnt deserve it.

i had such an attitude and was so so angry. 

i wish i would have been more level headed. 

but nothing i can do about that now.

a year later, i can finally say im in a good place.

everyday i miss him.

everyday i wish he was here.

but everyday i am making choices to better myself and our daughter.

to keep his memory alive and do whats best for me and her.

i want to move forward and be happy again.

i want to finish school and get my dream career started.

i want to get out on my own and stand on my own 2 feet.

i want to support myself.

time to start making changes to make these things happen.

stop pining of people who dont deserve my attention and focus on people who do.

out with the people who treat me like trash

and in with the people who treat me like i deserve.

done letting people walk all over me.

time to realize that:

sometimes what you WANT

isnt what you DESERVE.

stop selling yourself short pretty girl.

your worth way more than that.

now im rambling.

im tired.

and recovering from food poisoning.

and blogging random nonsense.

goodnight bloggers.

<3 

one year.

one year.

its been a whole year since my life changed. 

on this day one year ago

i look the man i love, my other half, and my very best friend in the eye for the last time.

i spent the last 2 hours with him i ever would.

i laid next to his body for the last time.

i touched his face for the last time.

i saw him awake for the last time.

i was the same person for the very last time.

when you lose someone you LOVE it changes you.

when i lost joe i lost a part of myself.

i am a different woman today than i was this day last year.

i lost everything and had to start over. 

had to start from scratch. 

in the last year i have; 

raised a baby alone for 12 months.

went to college.

got 2 new jobs.

got a new tattoo.

got a new piercing.

got a new car.

gained a new set of friends.

another new family.

learned to respect myself.

set my standards higher than ever.

spent more money than joe would ever approve of.

its been the longest year of my life without him.

i miss him more every single day.

i love him with all my heart.

he will always be my person.

i will always be his girl. 

but the love is different now.

the aching in my chest is more dull.

i WANT to move FORWARD with my life.

not on. 

but forward.

and i want to take joe with me.

i know what i want.

i know what i deserve.

and i know i am willing to wait until i find it.

i will love joe for the rest of my life.

the man i am with next will have to understand that.

joe and i will always have an unspoken bond that no one will ever understand.

and i never want to lose that or have anyone else understand it.

its the last thing besides our daughter that is always ours. 

today his dad told me "you are the best thing that ever happened to him"

and it made me feel 110% better to know that someone else notices and appreciates our love 

and what we did for each other.

today his family and i met at the cemetery.

it was nice to be there all together.

we have never all been there at the same time.

there were beautiful flowers left.

kind words spoken.

and lots of tears shed.

i admitted out loud to other people how badly i miss him and how much i love him for the first time in months.

we then went to breakfast as a family and spent time together.

it was a nice day.

i was supposed to go to grandpa ds house this evening for a family get together.

but the events of the day just got to be a little much and i needed some time alone. 

all in all it was a good joe filled day.

the weather was beautiful 

and my red legs pulled off a win.

i want to say thank you.

to everyone who has held me up or held my hand to keep me sane in the last year. 

to the ones who have stepped up and saved me from myself.

who never let me forget that joe loves me and is proud of everything I've accomplished. 

the people who i now consider my best friends and family.

i would be no where without all of you.

you all have changed my life and supported me in a very dark time.

your true friends and family will show in a time of need and you all have come through amazingly.

i. love. you. all.

and i know joe put each one of you in my life to get me through this tragedy.

i know he is in a better place and is with me everyday.

doesn't take the pain away or make me miss him less.

but makes it all a little more tolerable.

one year down, 50+ more to go.

babylove, 

its been a whole year without you. 365 days since I've looked into those handsome brown eyes. i miss you more than i could ever explain to you or anyone else. i ache on a daily basis just to talk to you. life without you is the hardest thing I've ever done. breathing on my own without you is like breathing with a 900000 lb weight on my chest. but somehow i survived. and i made it to this point. just surviving this day has made me feel a little better. I'm not fixed. I'm not better. but I'm not as bad as i was. i can smile at our memories. and make it a whole day without crying. i can look at our pictures and not cry, sometimes, and i can appreciate the time i was given with you. you and alexis are the absolute best things to ever happen to me and i wouldn't trade anything about our time together for anything. but i would give anything to have one more hour with you. there is so much i wish you were here for. your daughter is just like you and its not fair i have to raise her alone. she deserves to know you and i plan to make sure she knows you as well as i did. your my angel baby. and i know you are with me everyday. so. don't give up on me. help me through each day still. hold my hand and remind me of our love daily. these are the things i need you to do for me. we talked about this one year ago. i told you i would stand by you if you couldn't do it anymore if you promised me you'd never leave me alone. if you promised to be with me and alexis always. I'm holding up my end of the deal, you have to hold up yours. i miss you joe. there is no better way of saying it. i appreciate everything you've given me and everything we have together. i love you to the moon and back and will always be your girl. 

happy 1st birthday into heaven. i hope your having fun and missing me like i miss you. 

never stop loving me.

forever & ever babe. 

the day before.

tomorrow is the day.

and honestly i couldnt have asked for a better day.

went to work this morning. 

morning started off rough. thought i was going to lose it.

no one at work was talking to me.

and everyone had on green but me.

i coudlnt figure it out.

around lunch time after red paint, yellow paint, and water had hit the floor

children screaming all morning and not listening.

sam FINALLY comes at says lets walk to UDF.

so we get outta the classroom. 

i come back to find all my kids, all my co workers, my best friend, my sister and my daughter all standing outside. 

with balloons and a card.

after lots of tears and hugs we had a balloon release in memory of joe.

as soon as alexis and i let go of the balloons it started to rain. mass amounts of rain.

as soon as all the balloons were gone from sight and we went inside the rain stoppped.

its like he was letting us know he got them and misses us too.

we went inside and my co workers all came together and got us a cake, pizza, and bought alexis a huge box of diapers in honor of joe. 

i am incredibly blessed to have my coworkers and my 2 very best friends sam & marissa.

i dont know where id be without them and my family.

they have carried me through the last year and i love and appreciate them everyday.

cant believe tomorrow will be a year.

but i couldnt have asked for a better day. 

tomorrow i will blog again. 

if i make it through the day.

thank you boo & bestie for putting this all together.

it meant more than you will ever know.

now to go on a photo overload. 

4 days.

i have 4 days left in my first year without him.

4. days.

on this day one year ago:

he kinda had a rough day. 

he was coming out of his sedation and was overly excited.

but this day one year ago, he opened his eyes.

he opened them and looked at me.

our eyes connected for the first time in 15 days. 

and i knew he knew i was there.

he knew i loved him.

and he loved me more than anything.

little did i know i only had 4 more days with him or i would have never left the hospital.

the last couple days and the next few days to come have and will be rough.

i have spent a lot of time crying.

i have been on edge about EVERYTHING and i never know why.

I'm anxious about that day.

im worried about how I'm going to react. 

cause thinking about it,

all i see is epic meltdown.

tears. tears. tears.

im crying now thinking about it. 

i have no idea how i got here. no idea how i have survived a year without him.

i just want him back.

i want my life back.

i want my daughter to know her daddy.

im tired of feeling like i have a huge rain cloud above my head that holds a dark secret from the world.

i just want a NORMAL life.

and my new "normal" sucks. 

but we will talk about that in another post.

expect a HUGE one year post either saturday or sunday. maybe friday. 

depends how the week goes.

i miss you. its almost been a year without you. i feel like i was just sitting in that hospital telling you everything was going to be fine. and now here i am. this day one year ago you were looking me in my eyes. you were so sad. you just wanted to go home. you wanted them to take that damn tube out so you could talk. all i wanted was to be wrapped in your arms and you to tell ME it was going to be okay. i miss you joe. words will never describe that. i miss you every minute of everyday. you may not be here but i know your with me everyday. i love you joe. i don't know how else to say it or prove it. but i love you. i may be picking up the pieces of my broken life and attempting to make something of it. but no one will ever replace you. no one will ever take your spot. you were my first love. my best friend. my whole world. you gave me the best gift i could ever ask for in your mini me. and i will always love and appreciate you for it.  i hope your enjoying yourself up there. i hope you miss me like i miss you. 

xoxox. 

:(

:(

i just want to be done with this.

when does this girl get to catch a break. 

damn. 

self respect.

reality is: 

i deserve better than i think i do.

well thought i did.

i have reached a new level of realization today.

since joe has passed, i have been desperate to find someone to make me feel the way he did.

i found someone who did make me so happy.

but that was based on lies and short lived.

he was nothing that he said he was.

he is really just an ass.

and i let him treat me like garbage for months now.

i have played the "he is worth it. we will make it work" card.

i dealt with months of lies

silence for weeks.

on and off again texts and phone calls.

and now..

i can proudly and officially say,

im D O N E 

i have been pushed too far.

i refuse to be "convenient" for anyone.

i am NO ones go to girl.

i will not be your temp while you find mrs right.

so i will be single and enjoy it.

I'm done looking.

i need to give it a rest.

id rather be alone and have my self respect than let someone treat me like I'm worth nothing.

i know I'm better than that.

and joe would not want me to settle for that.

on a different note,

next saturday is one whole year.

the next 2 weeks are going to be reallllllly hard for me.

they have already started being difficult.

i have my days where i LOSE my mind.

i have nights where the nightmares are more real than reality. 

i have moments where i miss him so much i can't breathe.

little things will send me back to that day.

and it hurts.

it breaks my heart every time.

everyone told me a year was a hard time and i was like yeah yeah

but it really is.

its a hard milestone.

he's gone.

and its been a year since he left me.

and I'm not okay with that.

so lets hope God gives me strength. 

cause if not, 

someone else is going to have to pick my ass up off the ground.

<3 

reality check.

its been a year since he was awake.

the next few weeks of our life together were just me sitting at his bedside.

hoping he would wake up and talk to me.

he did wake up for a few days

never talked to me.

too many tubes.

but this is all a story you have heard many times. 

last night i went out with my girls from work.

i LOVE my girls from work.

i had a great time.

it was a rowdy crazy time. 

but it was just what i needed. 

i finally realized a few things.

1. i am capable of being a 20 year old girl.

i can go out and attempt to keep up with the people my age.

i can laugh. i can make others laugh.

for once i felt...normal. 

2. "boy a" which would be the boy i have been chasing isn't the only boy in the world.

yes, i may have incredible feelings for him.

but there are other boys out there that can make me smile. 

that can make me laugh.

and i should NOT settle for less than i deserve.

feelings aren't the only thing that make things work in a relationship. 

it takes work, and effort.

honesty and passion 

time and patience.

so maybe one day we will work it out. 

maybe there is someone better out there for me.

maybe i am over reacting.

maybe i am late to the reality check.

yes i like him. a lot.

no i will not let him treat me like garbage. 

so.

i am thankful for my time with my girls last night.

it brought so much clarity, and fogginess.

haha :) 

<3 

happy 4th of july. 

your voice.

tonight I'm struggling.

I'm just missing him.

in the most painful way.

tomorrow marks the one year marker of the last time i saw or spoke to my joe without tubes in his throat.

on July 4th,2011 at 5:38 am they put tubes down my joes throat to help him breathe and he never spoke again.

i never heard his voice again.

its been a year since I've heard his voice in person.

a whole year since i looked at his face and there weren't 90 tubes hanging out of it and he wasn't in a comatose state. 

yes, the last 4 days of his life he was waking up. but he wasn't awake.

he wasn't my joe.

he was sick.

he was dying.

and i had no idea.

if i would have known 1 year ago that it would be the last time i hear his voice i would have let him talk for hours.

i miss the sound of his voice.

i miss the glimmer of his eyes when he saw alexis.

i miss the wrinkles he got under his eyes when he smiled. 

i miss him.

and tonight it hurts.

for the first time in months it h u r t s .

i feel pain. 

and I'm welcoming it.

a lot of other nonsense is going down today.

is it because i am in so much pain i am freaking out on other people?

idk nor do i care. 

tonight i am sad.

i want to be sad.

i want to miss my joe.

he deserves to be missed.

i want to remember those days when he was awake and alert and talking to me.

yelling at me.

singing to me.

telling me jokes. 

the weeks ahead of me are going to be hard.

they are going to be long.

they are going to be full of tears and sadness. 

but i will survive.

i survived it the first time.

so why would this time be any different. 

a year? you haven't talked to me in a year?! for 2.5 years before this i didn't go a SINGLE day without hearing your voice and now its been a year. do you know what thats like? no because you can hear my voice whenever you want. its hard. its hard to go everyday without being able to talk to you about the idiots i work with. or the idiots I'm supposed to be "dating" baha. its hard to not vent to you about how crazy your daughter is or how broke i am. its hard not being able to get your opinion or just hear you tell me i look good in what i have on. i just want to talk to you. can you make that happen? tell me I'm being stupid. and tell me i need to stop crying. tell me to get up off the floor that my back is going to hurt tomorrow if i sleep here. tell me I've spent way too much money. tell me our daughter acts the way she does because i made her that way. tell me I'm perfect the way i am and any man would be LUCKY to have me. tell me i deserve the best. tell me I'm crazy. tell me I'm a mess. hell, tell me you hate me. just talk to me. let me hear your voice. tell me you miss me like i miss you and you will always love me.

please. 

overthinking.

overthinking.

i over think everything.

is this a disease?

i think so.

can i have meds for it?

i just wanna sleep at night without raking my brain for an hour before hand.

i over think everything.

i play what if like its my job.

what if he lived?

what if i never met him?

what if i get hurt again?

what if i let him in and he dies too?

what if alexis resents me when she gets older because of what happened to her dad?

what if he's using me?

what if I'm over thinking all this and he really does like me.

AH.

im insane.

see what goes on in my head.

a mix of things.

missing my dead fiancé.

worrying about my daughters future and her future grief.

"dating" a boy who i can't tell if he likes me or not.

liking someone more than they like me.

I'm losing it.

i over think everything which causes me to ruin a lot of shit before it even starts. 

but, I'm working on it.

so here is my new plan.

relax.

take a deep breath.

dont rush things.

don't take things so seriously.

dont FREAK out before needed.

let things play out the way they are intended to.

because as we all know,

everything works out the way it is supposed to.

even if thats not how you think they should work out.

now if only i could tell my mind this

so i can sleep in peace tonight.

but instead ill stay up all night

thinking

"what if"

tomorrow starts my new dieting/exercise plan.

oh and tuesday? 

tuesday will kill me.

tuesday marks one year from the last day i saw my precious joe awake, no tubes, no coma.

the last time he spoke real words to me.

the last time he sent me a text message.

the last day of life as we knew it.

:(