attachment

being a 'widow' has caused me to be seriously screwed up.

i have serious attachment issues.

its one extreme or the other.

i either can't get attached.

or i am overly attached.

and both have caused me serious issues lately. 

i have attempted this dating nonsense.

and now I'm wishing i wouldn't have.

it is a MESS.

guys you just meet do NOT want you to get attached instantly.

but having suffered loss and losing the one you love sometimes its hard to not want to take and grab the first thing that feels good.

but then other times,

i hide behind my grief and let things go that who knows what they could have been like. 

bottom line?

im messssssed up.

i don't know what i want.

and i need to get my head on straight.

not everyone is accepting of my crazy.

strangers don't know what I've been through and they just think I'm insane.

its been a long week.

another failed attempt at a relationship.

that got WAY too outta hand.

i may be crazy, but my family is crazier and they will ALWAYS come to my defense.

and he learned that the hard way.

not my problem.

dont screw with the wrong people.

dont blame me for your mistakes asshole.

so last night i had an awesome date with jack daniels. he was a great companion. so now I'm laying in bed.

crying.

for joe.

for stupid assholes.

for no reason but simply that i can. 

and listening to joes techno music. 

<3

i love you so much. i miss you on a level that i can't comprehend. i know your watching over me. thats why i haven't had EPIC meltdown about this whole situation. when i should. i should freak the hell out. i am laying here. listening to your bass hunter music. smiling because honestly, its not that great. but you loved it. more than any other music. bass hunter is your thing. haha. i miss you. i miss us. i miss life being simple and not insane and getting more and more insane every time i wake up. but. i made it through the greatest loss ever. i don't think this will even compare to that. so, I'm going to go shopping today. and spend money i shouldn't. and pretend I'm not dealing with this bullshit. you are shaking your head at me right now i can see it. and you are saying " babe i don't think thats a good choice." but guess what boo? I'm doing it anyway. :p i love you angel face. be good. xoxox.