thankful...?

thanksgiving.

all these HAPPY people who are SUPER thankful for their FANTASTIC lives.

none of those words describe me or my life.

i have struggled to write this post for daysssss.

what am i thankful for...? being a single mom...? losing the man i love at 20 years old...? defending myself and my emotions on a DAILY basis...? having to explain to my baby one day why her daddy isn't here...?  thinking of being alone for a long long time...?

no. none of the above.

i am not a happy girl. so happy girls don't sit around and gather lists of what they are thankful for, but here is the list that it took me 10 days to come up with.

1. my princess. she is my rock. i don't know where i would be without her. she is the only thing that gets me out of my bed on a daily basis. she is my personal memory of joe i don't have to share or worry about fading. she is mine. she is his. and she is so much like him it is unfathomable.

2. my memories. no one can take my memories, alter them, tell me how they went or how i should feel about them.

3. my ring. it is such a symbol of my love with joe and it is a materialistic thing i can hold in my hand and remember him & our love & the moment he gave it to me.

4. my in laws. i am blessed by having such a supportive and loving set of "in laws" i know not everyone is that blessed.

5. my 2 very best friends. marissa and jacky. they are my very very very best friends and i don't know what i would do without them. they are incredible and have held me up during all this and will never leave me.

6. my widow friends. they are the only people who truly understand. no one no one no one gets it like they do and i know i can count on them every second of every day.

7. my job. it is such a daily distraction and pays my bills.


7. thats pretty good for such a sad girl.

jkjfklsd!

i wish i had the energy to blog. i wish i had the energy to do anything. i just want cuddle time with my baby.

breaking dawn comes out tonight, twilight was our thing. well, my thing that he tolerated & loved that i loved it.

f my life.

s.t.r.e.s.s.

joe. you can come back at anyyyy time now.

i have been a ball of stress lately. i have tried everything to make it less but it isn't working.

wednesday we took alexis to the dr. oh wait. by we i mean ME. ALL ALONE. this is the first time i have had to do that. and it was awful. :( they interrogated me about all kinds of crap and then they ask..

"how is her relationship with her father?"
really? my response?
"well, he's passed away in july"
silence in the room.

they ALREADY knew this. i don't know WHY they asked me or didn't have this recorded.

fan freaking tastic. just what i wanted to go through.

so then the idiot nurse begins to ask me why and how it happened, and i just looked at her and she was like you don't have to discuss it. i was like  i know, and I'm not going to. but thanks. UGH.

then i find out, she has to go see an eye doctor because she most likely has a lazy eye. great. one more thing i get to deal with alone. how much more can i take? really? ugh.

yesterday she clapped her hands for the first time. its the little things that set me OVER THE EDGE.

i miss you more with every breath i take. i just wish i had you here to listen to me. give me the hug i need when I'm sobbing uncontrollably. help me. please. i love you so so so much joe. nothing can ever take our love away.  xoxoxo.

frustration.

tonight i am frustrated.

annoyed.

frustrated.

i guess ill write about it tomorrow.

missing you.

there is no other word for it.

i miss him.

my body ACHES for him to touch me. my heart ACHES to hear, "i love you babe. forever & ever"

i just want my life back.

i have been in a really rough spot. i don't feel like doing anything. i am failing out of school. i am struggling to focus at work. i am struggling to take care of my baby. I'm struggling to function. i just need my rock back in my life. and he is so far gone. i listen to my videos and that voice is so familiar, yet becoming such a memory. i don't want his voice to become a memory. i want to hear it now. i want my man to tell me I'm beautiful. to tell me i can do it. to tell me i am the greatest mother he knows. to just love me.

i have GOT to get OUT of this funk. not every day is like this, but lately it has been a string of bad days. blah.


can't a girl catch a break.