fading..

my memories that is. they have been fading. and its the hardest thing I've ever experienced. during the day i am reaching for straws to remember the EXACT way his face looked or the EXACT way his voice sounded or the EXACT feel of his skin or his hair. and its fading. I can see his face like he's standing in front of me. but its like I'm looking through a camera lens. its blurry and i have to focus hard core on it. and i hate it. i hate having to focus on the image that i looked at every day. the image that was my whole world. i have to focus on remembering it.

but then their are my dreams.

lately i have had some CRAZY girl dreams. in my dreams, which are as real as day, he is right there. in clarity. no blurry needing to focus camera lens. he's right there. and i can touch him and he's talking to me and he's alive. and in every dream he asks me if i want to be with him still and if i believe he's still here. i don't know the purpose in those questions but they are the only thing consistent.

in one dream we were on the beach and he asked me if i still loved him and if i wanted to be with him forever and if i believed this was real.

in the next he was wearing the exact outfit he was wearing at his funeral and he told me how much he loved me and asked me to marry him and spend my life with him. i of course said yes and then he asked me if i thought it was real, if i could really imagine this life together. again i said yes. but in reality its not real. he's not here and he's not coming back.

so i spent the majority of the last couple mornings, crying like a little girl. wishing i could just go back to sleep and be with him one more time. see his face in clarity one more time. hear him say "i love you baby girl" clear as day. feel his smooth fingers run along my jaw line.

i ache for my man tonight. and last night and this morning. and yesterday morning. and every day and ever night. i ache for him.

someone please take the aching away.

<3 i love you angel love. and i will always love you. so you can stop asking me every night cause i promise i will love you everyday for the rest of forever plus one. ;) xoxox handsome.

i did it..

...i sold the car.
:gasp:
it was the HARDEST thing I've ever done. ever. ever. ever.

but its complete. and i survived. and i love my new car. i miss tc so much. but i love my new car. and i think joe would LOVE my new car. our new car. he would be so proud of it!

longer post tomorrow, so tired tonight.

joe LOVES tc. 

this is our new family car. 

<3 missing you babyyy. 

thoughts.

tonight i read a post from a girl who lost her dad before she knew him. it was the anniversary of his loss and she was talking to him in her post. its such a strange thing to read. as the tears were FLOWING down my face, the thought hit me. thats going to be MY baby in the future. now i don't know if she will be a blogger or if that will even be around but she is going to be in that girls shoes, missing her dad. wishing she knew him. so i cried. for myself and for my baby. for everything we both have lost.

i have been trying to buy a new car. its been the hardest thing I've ever done. not only does selling JOES car hit me at my weakest point, i can't get a car loan...anywhere. which just makes me think joe doesn't want me to sell my car. but i know he does. i just psych myself out. who knows where ill end up. if this last loan attempt falls through I'm going to stop looking for a little while.

baby- i think I've decided that i like writing to you. this blog is for me and for you. so every blog post i am now going to try to write to you directly. so lets see. um. you need to let me know what I'm supposed to do with this car thing. if I'm supposed to sell it, let me know. cause if this time fails, I'm stopping. at least for a while. its also been quite a while since you have "shown" your presence to me and i miss it. i want the reminder of you. i want you to be a familiar face still. the small features of your face are fading and i find myself STARING at your pictures just to remember the small things about you. like the mole on the left side of your face. or the 3 scars on your arm right arm. or the way your top teeth were PERFECTLY straight and your bottom teeth weren't because you threw your retainer away several times and mom said she wasn't replacing it anymore. i remember the way you would stick out your bottom lip and pout and it seriously made me melt. i never ever want to forget our closeness. the bond we share. the way i love you. i will never love someone the same way again. I'm not saying ill never love again, because i know you want that for me and for alexis, but i will never love someone in the exact same way i love you. i have a serious connection with you, even now that your not here with me, were still connected. you were my first everything and i will always love you for that.

i love you handsome. i hope your missing me as much as I'm missing you. be good.

xoxoxo.

six months.

six whole months.
one half a year.
182 days.
4368 hours.
262,080 minutes.
15,724,800 seconds.

thats how long is has been since i have talked to the person i love the most.
thats how long its been since my world was complete and normal.
thats how long i have been dealing with this incredible pain.
thats how long i have been a single mom.
thats how long i have been without a best friend.
thats how long i have been searching for answers.
thats how long people have been looking at me like I'm crazy, or going to loose it at any moment.

its been a long time if your not getting that.
there are no words for how i feel today, or any other day for that matter.
i was expecting today to hit me really hard and break me.
but today is just another day.
another day of grief.
another day that he isn't here.
another day I've called his phone and he didn't answer.
another day i woke up alone.
another freaking day.

I've realized and accepted he's gone, but the numbness is coming back. i don't want the numbness to come back. i want to cry. i want to be upset. i want to feel like i can't breathe. it makes it all a little more real. yesterday i could feel it, today i cannot. maybe thats my bodies natural defense to this awful day, or maybe its a new stage of grief. I'm not sure. nothing about this journey makes any sense. i wish i could figure it out but i can't. so if anyone figures it out, please let me know how to expect whats coming next.

joe-
its been 6 months without you. saying goodbye to you was the hardest thing i will ever have to do. but the only peace i have is knowing you are content where you are. you have no more anxiety and no more pain. you have no more worries, or no more days of work. you can be with your girls 24 hours a day if you want. you can play video games whenever you want without getting into trouble. you can eat pizza and relax. you can see your mom and take care of our kitten jack jack. you don't have to impress anyone or make anyone proud. you can just be you and i know your content. i know you would wish to be here with me and alexis if you could but this is how it is now. so what have you missed in 6 months? your daughter started crawling. your daughter said daddy for the first time. your daughter started walking. your daughter had her first christmas. your daughter had her first new year. your daughter had her first birthday. your daughter started daycare. your baby changes everyday. she's JUST like you in so many ways. she LOVES music, you've missed some good music too by the way. she loves to dance, she loves to look at herself in the mirror. she's all you dear. and there is nothing i would do to change that. she now will say daddy when she sees your picture. and I'm pretty sure she thinks you live inside my computer because thats where we see you and hear your voice. with me? you've missed a lot of tears. you've missed several different shades of hair color. I've lost 20 lbs. I've bought a whole new wardrobe. I'm buying a new car. I've spent so much money you would shoot me. i smile a lot less. i cry a lot more. i spend a lot of time in thought. i have become awesome friends with your boys. your family and i have bonded like i always wanted. I've transferred schools. i got a new job, twice. not that much with me. I've missed you everyday of the last 6 months with every fiber of my being. i didn't know feelings like this existed. i didn't know you could be SO sad and SO empty without another human. but I'm surviving. and i know that is because you are right here by my side holding me up through everyday. please never leave me. if i could give anything in this world to have you back i would do it in a heart beat. know that i will love you forever and that i miss you every second of the day. I'm still not used to you being gone. i go to call you on a regular basis and it just rings. i go to pull into the apt complex out of habit. i have tried to check the bank several times and that acct is no longer there. every time i pass panera, i look for your car, only to realize i am driving your car and you are not there. i can't drive past the hospital without being FLOODED with memories, hope, and sorrow. i haven't been inside that place since i walked out without you and just your stuff. and i honestly don't plan on going inside it ever again. i miss you so much it hurts. i hope you are enjoying your time wherever you are. its cold, lonely, and not the same here without you. ill be seeing you again my love.
<3 i love you with all my heart.
xoxo.

money.

the little things set me over the edge.

i am so over this "normal" there is NOTHING normal about this life. not a single thing.

i opened my bank statement today to realize that i am broke. between car repairs, car maintenance, and raising alexis on my own I'm broke. I've also developed retail therapy-itis. i feel like shopping is going to fill the void in my life but its not. it never does. i never feel any better and now I'm just realizing its a sickness. i HAVE to stop. (another reason to go to therapy) I am hoping that by going to therapy i am going to learn a healthy way to deal with life and not shop my way into a hole.

okay before this comes across the wrong way, i am NOT broke. i am NOT begging for money from anyone. i have NOT spent every penny I have. I am just struggling with accepting that i have blown through so much money so quickly. i have developed a theory behind money for the last 6 months. money means nothing to me. I've suffered the greatest loss and money isn't going to make that better, but coming out of the fog i have realized that even though i don't care about money, the world does. and having no money is not acceptable. so my money saving action is in full gear.

on other notes,
i took my baby to her 1 year appt all by myself today.
oh the joys of being a single mom. i held her down as she SCREAMED and got 2 shots and her blood drawn. fail.

then i came home and i attempted to clean out her closet. so many tears. all her clothes have a "sentimental" value to me. i can remember her wearing it somewhere with joe or hiim picking it out. or him thinking she looked so cute in something he would take her picture. ugh.
I'm going to have 0-3 month clothes forever.

:(
tomororw is 6 months. and I'm just flat out missing him.
i want you home joe carter. come home to me.

its time..

..to accept that i need to go to therapy.

i started going  went once right afterwards. and i hated the lady i saw.  she literally told me " you have such a sad story" " you have a reason to be upset." " let me give you some drugs to fix it"

uhh no.  not what I'm looking for.

here are my reasons why i think  know i need to go,
1. i haven't gone a single day without crying in almost 3 weeks.
2. i am emotionally overwhelmed by 6 months coming up.
3. the fog is gone. joe is really gone. I've been through thanksgiving, chirstmas, new year, our daughters 1st birthday all without him. if he was going to come back, it would have been for one of those days and he didn't. honestly, i think i expected him to show up to one of these events and when he didn't it became very real he wasn't here anymore. que the tears.
4. my memories are starting to become more than reality again. i will get 110% lost in thought about him. my memories play on and on and on and its like a movie. but I'm watching myself from the outside. the day he died is still very vivid and it feels like it hurts more now than it did then.
5. this is a big one. i am trying to look into selling our car.  joe LOVES this car. he has had this car since he was 18. it is a 2005 scion tc. its a 2 door hatchback. its not ideal for alexis. joe and i talked about this. we made the decision together to sell the car. well then he got sick. i know he would be okay with me selling my car. but i don't want to. all my memories are in that car. so much of our firsts, our good memories, and our bad are in or around that car. but i can't keep it. i wish i could afford to keep it and buy a used car but heres the deal. the car is worth 8,000.00. i could almost break even on a NICE car. its really not an option but the anxiety that has stemmed from this is unreal. i don't want medication to fix it. i want someone to talk to it about. someone who HAS to listen and understand and give me feedback. healthy feedback.

so here it goes,
the search for an AWESOME therapist or councilor.
i will keep you updated.

expect a sappy tear filled post on saturday.
6 months without my boo, not enough words to express my heartache on this day.

what if..

...joe was still here?

this is something i think about on a daily basis. but tonight more than usual.

i think about what his current favorite song would be.
i think about if he would still be working at panera or not.
i think about what his relationship with alexis would be like.
i think about what his relationship with his parents would be like.
i think about what our relationship would be like.

common theme here? i think too much.
as i was laying down with my baby putting her to sleep, i was thinking about how different life would be if he was here. obviously this thought was brought on with MANY tears because i think of how wonderful my life would be. okay, so my life isn't TRAGIC right now. I have great friends, family, a job, a place to live, a healthy baby, money in savings, a support system thats out of this world. but i have an aching grief i carry around everyday. i find myself neglecting my grief a lot lately. i put it on the back burner until it gets too much, like tonight, and i get highly upset. i am seriously considering going to therapy again. i need to learn to sort through these days in a healthy way, if there is a healthy way. but anyway.  tonight I'm missing joe. and I'm thinking about my perfect life i would have with him by my side if life would have handed me different cards. I'm trying really hard to not play the what if game but seriously, what ifs and whys are the only thing i can process lately.

why me? why joe? why alexis? why now? what if we went to the dr sooner? what if we transferred him to university? what if i was more forceful with the drs? what if we had health insurance and he was going to the dr on a regular basis? what if what if what if why why why.

all part of a typical day for a widow.. such a sad life.

missing you my angel baby. <3 xoxo.

i survived.

i survived her birthday with minimal tears. i made the trip to the cemetery to spend some time with my man. it was nice. cold but nice. when I'm there, i don't even feel the cold. sometimes i think thats joe. he's keeping me warm until he's ready for me to leave. cause all of the sudden it will get cold and I'm ready to go.

anyway. i took alexis to red robin and we had a nice dinner. wished it would have been the 3 of us, but you know i survived.

today was alexis' first day of day care. again, more tears. but i survived.

next saturday is 6 months. in 10 days i will have been without my everything for 1 half of a year. REALLY?! no. it seems like just yesterday i was making fun of him in the hospital. ugh i miss you baby boo.

the 21st may be something i DO NOT survive. and honestly, i don't care. i want to crawl in bed that day and pretend its not happening.

ill keep you updated.

happy birthday baby girl!

its true, our sweet princess turns 1 in less than 2 hours. 

(be prepared for lots of pictures and a sappy note to my baby at the end :)  )

at this time 1 year ago, i was SO sick i couldn't sleep, or eat, or cry because i was SO nervous about being induced at 7 am the next day. knowing your having a baby in less than 24 hours is probably the most nerve racking thing I've ever experienced. i thought my family and joe were going to kill me i was so worked up. but i lived. i got little sleep, and no food and was up at 6:00am the next day to go to the hospital to get rid of my basketball sized stomach. 

this was me. one year ago on this night. aye. i was HUGE. 

so after 13 hours of labor, 3 hours of pushing, and a baby who was face up, not coming out. my favorite doctor told me it was time for what i had warned him from day 1 i didn't want, a c section.

at this point, there was no fight i wanted her out ASAP. 

so at 7:44pm on Jan 10th, 2011 our family of 2 became a family of 3.

 weighing 7lbs 14.6 oz 21 in long Alexis Grace was the best gift we have ever been given.

there is not one part of that day that i don't cherish and i wish every day i could go back to that day. 

for one day, everything was perfect. no arguing, no selfishness, everything was about that 7 lb baby wrapped in a pink blanket. 

my sweet baby girl-

today you are 1 year old. you have been in this world for 365 days. little do you know, these have been some of the most difficult days i ever thought i would go through. you've had a rough journey baby girl already and you don't even know it. this year has dramatically effected both of our lives forever, but i promise you it will all work out in the end. so in the course of a year i have watched you go from a little teeny tiny baby who loved to be snuggled to a little monster running around my house getting into everything she shouldn't  be. you are such a character alexis. you LOVE mickey mouse, trucks, your baby doll, your lala, your paci, food of any kind, getting into everything you shouldn't, anything technical, techno music, dancing and music in general. you HATE the car, being told no, when everyone isn't paying attention to you, when the dog(who hates you) won't let you touch her, ranch dressing, and water. you make some of the FUNNIEST faces I've ever seen. you can make just about anyone laugh. you have the cutest dimple on your right side of your face. you can walk, run, crawl but mostly you run. you have 5 teeth with 2 on their way in. you can't sleep without your paci and your pink lala. you love to look at yourself and facetime with just about anyone. you brighten my day on a daily basis. we have had a rough year kiddo. and you have no idea. without you i wouldn't be where i am today, i would have never gotten outta this bed on July 22nd. your daddy is always watching you from up above. I know you didn't get to know him as well as I wished for but I promise to tell you everything you could ever want to know, and I know our amazing support system of family and friends will be sharing their stories with you too. i have never seen your daddy grow up the way he did when you were brought into his life. he loves you with all of his heart and nothing can ever change that. you are his number one, and you always will be. you have your own personal guardian angel, and if you ever need him you can talk to him whenever you want. he is ALWAYS standing right next to you. how do i know this? cause he promised me he would never leave. and i feel his presence daily, and i know you are so little still, but one day you will know what i mean. i promise i will do my best to take care of you. i promised you the day you were born, and i promised daddy the day we said goodbye, but ill tell you that story when your a little older. i can't wait to watch you grow some more and see the amazing little princess you become. i am so proud of you already and i know your daddy is too. we love you SO much monkalips. 

happy birthday sweet angel! 

bye bye fog. hello reality.

one year ago today this was me.

HUGELY pregnant and ready to be done. 

Joe and I were preparing for the BIGGEST step we would ever take as a couple and that was welcoming another human into our already existent life as 2. ( my birthday post to alexis will be next week. and you will hear all about that week. :) so excited i know.) 

this year has brought me so many trials and triumphs which i have already rambled about in 2 post prior to this so i won't do that again, but with my baby turning one in less than a week, I find myself spending my free time reflecting on my life in the last year.

i try to remember what it was like to not be a mom and i can't. which is a good thing. i wouldn't trade my daughter for the world and i love being her mom more than anything. but it just shows what a year can bring. 

which brings me to my grief. hello reality. 

i find myself at the "stage of grief" i assume you could call it, where I'm coming out of a fog and its very real. its very real that I'm alone. its very real that he's gone, and not coming back. its very real that his body is locked in a box and buried 10 feet under. how do i feel about that you ask? I'm not sure yet. I'm sad. but I'm more going through the, "how do i deal with this?" phase. like i haven't decided how i want to react to it yet. so instead I'm just distancing myself from everyone and thats not the smart thing to do.  which is why I'm glad i am noticing it now and can hopefully make it stop. 

i knew this day would come. and i assumed it would come around now with the holidays, alexis' birthday, and the 6 month marker coming up but it doesn't make it any easier or more desirable to go through. 

just more real.

its very real that i will never hold those tan hands in mine every again. i will never see his face light up when he sees alexis. i will never hear him say "i love you girlfriend" again. i will never see the smile when he won $2.00 on a scratch off lottery ticket. never get what i thought were annoying texts all day or Facebook posts or 5 am phone calls on his way to work when he was "lonely". now i am lonely and wish he was just a phone call away. i know he is with me. he will always be with me, but still. sometimes you just need a physical touch to remind you someone loves you. but i know he loves me. he will always love me & i will always love him.

missing you angel. wishing you were here to calm my nerves about this party I'm throwing your child. sending you all my love. ill be by to visit you on friday <3 xoxo.