my love-
tomorrow starts a new year. another year. a year you won't be here for. a year without you. 2011 has by far been the worst year yet to come. although we were blessed with our princess, i also spent my last 6 months ever with you and i didn't even know it. so now, I'm entering 2012 alone. without you. just me and alexis. and i don't know how i feel about that. i am so anxious to hopefully move on a little, and make it through more than 1 day consecutively without sobbing and missing you so much i can't breathe. i am hoping to see the positives and less of the negative. i am hoping to learn to cherish the memories we have and not dwell on the month of july. i am hoping to become a stronger woman and a better mom. i am hoping to be able to have a great day, and come home and thank you for it and not cry because i miss you. i will always miss you joe. but in 2012 i hope to be able to take that longing and change it. make it less of a burden and more of just a reminder. i want to remember you every day of 2012 but i don't want to be sad. i know you don't want me to be sad. i want to enjoy the sun again. and remember how much fun we had and live out the future we had planned. your still with me. your just my guardian angel i get to take everywhere. i want to be more positive. that is a goal that we had always planned for each other. to be more positive. & i know with some self discipline and some help from you & God i can do it. i can become the woman & mom i have always wanted to be. although i am so afraid of starting a year without you. a year that you will not be apart of. the first of many years i won't have memories with you, i have to do it because in 12 hours that year is coming, if I'm ready or not. so i might as well embrace it rather than start ANOTHER year hating my life. so here, lets make a list of the things i want to do and i want you to help me with :) were all about lists baby ;)
1. be less afraid. being afraid has caused me to miss out on so much in the last 5 months. its going to happen if I'm afraid or not, so be less afraid.
2. make it 2 whole days without crying. i know its not something i can control. but I'm hoping through these other goals i can make it to that point.
3. let myself be happy. let myself enjoy the sun. and life with alexis. i have spent so much time lately being sad and not wanting to be happy because it felt 'wrong' but you want me to be happy.
4. remember the good times and not just the month of july.
5. feel your presence more. cause i know your with me everyday.
6. spend more time in prayer. God is the only thing thats going to make this any easier.
7. spend more time at the cemetery. i want to make the time to be close to you because i know you make the time to be with me everyday.
8. make sure alexis knows all about you. were already working towards it and she does know you but with her getting older, over the next 12 months i want her to KNOW you. so i may need help from our friends and family on this one.
9. spend less money. i have been spending so much money to try and fill the void in my chest that was left by you, but its not working and I'm broke. you would be so mad. lol ;)
10. change my relationship status on Facebook. although we will never be apart, its something we both know has to be done and i am hoping in 2012 i will have the strength to do so.
11. stop comparing everyone i meet to you. no one will ever be my joe, but there are people out there who are just as fantastic as you are and i never give them the credit they deserve.
12. be closer with your family. we are already close, but i want to feel like part of the family. we will see.
13. be more open about my grief. i seem to keep it in a closet sometimes and pretend I'm okay when I'm not.
14. get my tattoo.
15. start my book. i WILL write a book and i want to get started on it now.
16. help someone this may be the most important one. i want to give someone the help i received from Tameka, Ms Karen, Ms Kathy, and our family. my life wouldn't be where it is unless i had them and I want to give someone the help I received.
17. spend more time one on one with alexis. she's getting too big too fast.
18. scrapbook. i want to finish our scrapbook and start alexis'
19. blog more often. i am a horrible blogger and i need to be more consistent. i also need to blog about being happy and not just being sad.
20. move out and stand on my own 2 feet.
21. sell the car. this will be so hard, but its something we have talked about and it has to happen. the 2 door sports car isn't for a mommy anymore. :(
21 things. 21 things I'm going to need your help with completing. but i know me you and the man upstairs can make this happen :) I'm trusting you.
I'm missing you more and more and thats not something that will change in 2012. it might just increase. 2012 is a big year for us. alexis turns 1, i turn 21. i have to make it through 6,9, and 12 months marker of being without you, your birthday, our anniversary, and everything else that will come. but knowing your right next to me the whole way is the only thing making it possible.
so heres to 2012 baby. i may never get to see you in this new year, but i have you with me everyday and i have a mini you running around my house. just never leave me. thats your job for 2012. never ever ever let go.
loving you more and more each day.
<3
kayla.
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
2011.
with 2011 coming to an end, I'm feeling very anxious about it.
2011 was a huge year for me. good and bad.
in 2011 i was blessed with the most important thing in my world, Alexis Grace Rose on January 10th at 7:44pm. she changed my world in so many ways. she brought me to a better place with my parents, my job, my relationship with joe and myself. i was forced to grow up and stop depending on everyone else. it also fixed a relationship that was struggling. we were still in love but we were struggling on an epic level. life living on our own was rough and we were working so much we were blind to our love and just emotionally and physically exhausted. alexis changed the perspective on things and i fell in love with joe as a man, father, and boyfriend all over again. she is the gift that keeps on giving, and without her i don't know where i would be right now. probably in a darker place than i already am.
in april joe and i finally talked about really settling down. marriage was discussed for the first time on a serious level and i was ready to grow up and face that life. i wanted(and still want) to be a mom, wife, and have a family life. for the first time in my life i was ready to accept the grown up life and i was excited for it. the words like marriage, wedding, wife, house, family didn't scare me anymore, they were what i wanted.
thats when life threw me a curveball.
end of may, june. joe gets sick. no big deal. we can handle this. its just pneumonia. yeah right. pneumonia thats 2 months old that we can't get rid of. the doctors are still hopeful in june and things are still going to be okay. joe and i are still making it work and still madly in love, just being in love at bethesda north hospital.
july. the month that ended my world. july 4th 5:13 am. Joe goes under to have the ventilator placed in his lungs. Joe is supposed to be asleep for 10 days. Joe ends up being asleep for 15 days only to wake up in a daze. he is put in this INSANE rotation bed that flips him all over and the drs swear he's going to be okay. July 16th, 17th 18th, 19th, 20th 21st Joe is doing AWESOME. making awesome improvements and looking like he's going to heal. July 21st. starts out like a normal thursday. i spend the morning with him and he is okay. he tells me he loves me. holds my hand. smiles at me. tells me he wants to go home. i look into those brown eyes for the very last time and i didn't even know it. 330 i get a call at work and by the time i get to the ICU things are too far beyond i could have ever imagined. 1032 pm i laid in bed with the love of my life as he took his last breath. The sound that my world revolved around stopped and from that moment on my world has not been the same. So Wednesday the 27th I dressed the man i love in his finest black on black suit and a bright red tie and i laid him to rest. I hugged all our family and friends as they all came to say goodbye to the man we all loved. July 28th i closed the lid on the box that held my whole world and put it in the ground. a day i will never forget. a day that plays in my head just as much as the day i said goodbye. i have never felt a pain like the pain the month of july 2011 brought to my life. and i continue to feel it on a much smaller level every day. lets just say july was a rough month.
august didn't get any easier. august i struggled to adjust to my life on my own and find myself all over again. it wasn't easy. i spent a lot of august in my bed crying for the things i had lost.
september. happy 20th birthday to me. joes friends took awesome care of me and well, got me really really wasted. illegal? yep. very needed? absolutely. for one night i couldn't feel the pain and everything was okay. i could breathe. it was all fake but i could breath for 24 hours.
october, november. the holidays are beginning and i am alone. not a good feeling. hello anxiety once again.
december. merry christmas..alone. merry 1st christmas baby girl. no daddy here to celebrate. such a bittersweet day. and now were here. December 28th. and I am reflecting on the year I've faced.
im not ready to let 2011 go but at the same time its all i want to do. i want to put this AWFUL experience behind me. but in reality it will never go away. but i don't want it to be 2012 because at no point in 2012 will i have joe. at least for 6 months 21 days of 2011 i had the man i love. 2012 brings lots of things I'm not ready for. our baby is turning 1. i have to face 6, 9, and 12 months without him. another set of holidays alone. and another year wishing he was here. its not okay. so lets go back to january 2011 and pause time. cause i know i will be a lot more appreciative of the life i had at that point. i would do so many things different and i could have 6 months 21 more days with my best friend.
so 2011, im not sure how i feel about you leaving. you have been filled with such happy moments as well as some of the hardest most heartbreaking things i will ever go through. but no matter how i feel, in 3 days you will be gone and i will be forced to face 2012..
alone.
2011 was a huge year for me. good and bad.
in 2011 i was blessed with the most important thing in my world, Alexis Grace Rose on January 10th at 7:44pm. she changed my world in so many ways. she brought me to a better place with my parents, my job, my relationship with joe and myself. i was forced to grow up and stop depending on everyone else. it also fixed a relationship that was struggling. we were still in love but we were struggling on an epic level. life living on our own was rough and we were working so much we were blind to our love and just emotionally and physically exhausted. alexis changed the perspective on things and i fell in love with joe as a man, father, and boyfriend all over again. she is the gift that keeps on giving, and without her i don't know where i would be right now. probably in a darker place than i already am.
in april joe and i finally talked about really settling down. marriage was discussed for the first time on a serious level and i was ready to grow up and face that life. i wanted(and still want) to be a mom, wife, and have a family life. for the first time in my life i was ready to accept the grown up life and i was excited for it. the words like marriage, wedding, wife, house, family didn't scare me anymore, they were what i wanted.
thats when life threw me a curveball.
end of may, june. joe gets sick. no big deal. we can handle this. its just pneumonia. yeah right. pneumonia thats 2 months old that we can't get rid of. the doctors are still hopeful in june and things are still going to be okay. joe and i are still making it work and still madly in love, just being in love at bethesda north hospital.
july. the month that ended my world. july 4th 5:13 am. Joe goes under to have the ventilator placed in his lungs. Joe is supposed to be asleep for 10 days. Joe ends up being asleep for 15 days only to wake up in a daze. he is put in this INSANE rotation bed that flips him all over and the drs swear he's going to be okay. July 16th, 17th 18th, 19th, 20th 21st Joe is doing AWESOME. making awesome improvements and looking like he's going to heal. July 21st. starts out like a normal thursday. i spend the morning with him and he is okay. he tells me he loves me. holds my hand. smiles at me. tells me he wants to go home. i look into those brown eyes for the very last time and i didn't even know it. 330 i get a call at work and by the time i get to the ICU things are too far beyond i could have ever imagined. 1032 pm i laid in bed with the love of my life as he took his last breath. The sound that my world revolved around stopped and from that moment on my world has not been the same. So Wednesday the 27th I dressed the man i love in his finest black on black suit and a bright red tie and i laid him to rest. I hugged all our family and friends as they all came to say goodbye to the man we all loved. July 28th i closed the lid on the box that held my whole world and put it in the ground. a day i will never forget. a day that plays in my head just as much as the day i said goodbye. i have never felt a pain like the pain the month of july 2011 brought to my life. and i continue to feel it on a much smaller level every day. lets just say july was a rough month.
august didn't get any easier. august i struggled to adjust to my life on my own and find myself all over again. it wasn't easy. i spent a lot of august in my bed crying for the things i had lost.
september. happy 20th birthday to me. joes friends took awesome care of me and well, got me really really wasted. illegal? yep. very needed? absolutely. for one night i couldn't feel the pain and everything was okay. i could breathe. it was all fake but i could breath for 24 hours.
october, november. the holidays are beginning and i am alone. not a good feeling. hello anxiety once again.
december. merry christmas..alone. merry 1st christmas baby girl. no daddy here to celebrate. such a bittersweet day. and now were here. December 28th. and I am reflecting on the year I've faced.
im not ready to let 2011 go but at the same time its all i want to do. i want to put this AWFUL experience behind me. but in reality it will never go away. but i don't want it to be 2012 because at no point in 2012 will i have joe. at least for 6 months 21 days of 2011 i had the man i love. 2012 brings lots of things I'm not ready for. our baby is turning 1. i have to face 6, 9, and 12 months without him. another set of holidays alone. and another year wishing he was here. its not okay. so lets go back to january 2011 and pause time. cause i know i will be a lot more appreciative of the life i had at that point. i would do so many things different and i could have 6 months 21 more days with my best friend.
so 2011, im not sure how i feel about you leaving. you have been filled with such happy moments as well as some of the hardest most heartbreaking things i will ever go through. but no matter how i feel, in 3 days you will be gone and i will be forced to face 2012..
alone.
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
dear joe
the holidays have brought about such mixed emotions.
i made it through christmas with minimal tears. okay lie. lots of tears. but i survived.
it was our sweet princess' first christmas and my first christmas without you. we lived. she loved it. i only cried a little during gifts. it was so hard to cry when she was SO happy. i could feel your presence in the room and i knew everything would be okay. i knew you were standing right there smiling at her opening her gifts and loving each of them. i had my moment, alone, in my bedroom. missing you so much i couldn't breathe. you know how that goes. we've been through it several times. the worst melt down i had was christmas eve with your parents. i gave them the most beautiful photo quilt with pictures of me you you and them and you and alexis. so so so many tears were swapped at that point. i knew they loved it. it gets me EVERYTIME when pops cries. ugh. joe, we missed you so much. we needed your humor and your smile there to make the night. i stress everyday about you not being here. i stress about alexis not knowing you, and her growing up without you. i know she will be fine. she has lots of people who love her and are willing to step up and take care of her. but no one can ever replace her daddy, and she deserves to know you. and i plan to make sure she does. when she sees your picture she will say "daddy. daddy." and every time she is playing alone and she is saying daddy daddy daddy i really think you are visiting her and she can see you. so please. keep coming to visit her. make sure she knows you are ALWAYS with her. and i will make sure she knows who you are. i promised you in that hospital room and i will NOT break my promise. i love you so much baby. i miss you more than i knew was possible and i hope you are enjoying your time with your mom and jack jack. I'm sure your playing unlimited video games, sleeping until 2 pm daily. and spending time with your girls. cause all of that was your dream life. oh yeah, on the beach :) i love you handsome. keep on reminding me everyday that you love me and your here. xoxox forever & ever babe. <3
-your favorite girls.
2011 is coming to an end, I'm not sure how i feel about that. but there will be another blog about that on a closer date to new years.
i made it through christmas with minimal tears. okay lie. lots of tears. but i survived.
it was our sweet princess' first christmas and my first christmas without you. we lived. she loved it. i only cried a little during gifts. it was so hard to cry when she was SO happy. i could feel your presence in the room and i knew everything would be okay. i knew you were standing right there smiling at her opening her gifts and loving each of them. i had my moment, alone, in my bedroom. missing you so much i couldn't breathe. you know how that goes. we've been through it several times. the worst melt down i had was christmas eve with your parents. i gave them the most beautiful photo quilt with pictures of me you you and them and you and alexis. so so so many tears were swapped at that point. i knew they loved it. it gets me EVERYTIME when pops cries. ugh. joe, we missed you so much. we needed your humor and your smile there to make the night. i stress everyday about you not being here. i stress about alexis not knowing you, and her growing up without you. i know she will be fine. she has lots of people who love her and are willing to step up and take care of her. but no one can ever replace her daddy, and she deserves to know you. and i plan to make sure she does. when she sees your picture she will say "daddy. daddy." and every time she is playing alone and she is saying daddy daddy daddy i really think you are visiting her and she can see you. so please. keep coming to visit her. make sure she knows you are ALWAYS with her. and i will make sure she knows who you are. i promised you in that hospital room and i will NOT break my promise. i love you so much baby. i miss you more than i knew was possible and i hope you are enjoying your time with your mom and jack jack. I'm sure your playing unlimited video games, sleeping until 2 pm daily. and spending time with your girls. cause all of that was your dream life. oh yeah, on the beach :) i love you handsome. keep on reminding me everyday that you love me and your here. xoxox forever & ever babe. <3
-your favorite girls.
2011 is coming to an end, I'm not sure how i feel about that. but there will be another blog about that on a closer date to new years.
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
5 months.
5 months. 153 days. 3672 hours. 220320 minutes.. 5 whole months.
today is 5 months. almost half a year.
can i believe that? no.
do i want to believe that? no.
lets see where I'm at now that I'm 5 months out.
would i say i am all better? absolutely not. would i say i am at a better place than i was 2 months ago? absolutely. Joe is helping me everyday get a little bit stronger i believe. i am capable of having EXTREMELY good days now. Its not that I don't think of him or wish he was here, but i am able to enjoy my daughter. and enjoy the weather. and enjoy my friends. and i know Joe would WANT me to enjoy all of those things. so i don't feel as much guilt on a daily basis.
but not every day is that good.
even on my BEST day, i think about him 6000000 times a day. and i compare other people to him constantly. i think "if joe was doing that he would... or joe liked it this way... or joe would say..." joe joe joe. and it was always be joe joe joe. its important to me that alexis always knows joe and how joe was.
as alexis grows i miss him more. she started walking and i would give anything for him to see it. and be here. and hear her call everyone and everything daddy. to watch her kick a ball all around the house. to give her kisses.
the longing i have for him is indescribable. everyday i wish he was here. everyday i wish i could hear his voice or see his handsome face. everyday i wish i could hear him say anything. the fact that his voice is becoming a memory and looking at my pictures realizing that he is frozen in time. he is not growing any older. i will not have new or recent pictures of him. the photos i have are all i will ever have. that is hard to accept, esp since i feel i have so FEW pictures, which is not true. its so hard to accept all of these things.
so where do i stand at 5 months? better than before, but not as good as i hope to be in a few months. i owe all of it to the awesome people in my life. my guardian angel, our precious baby, my family, his family, my incredible friends, and mostly my widow friends. the ones who get it when everyone else is looking at me like I'm insane. so thank you all, you will never understand how much i love you.
how did i spend my day? in the emergency room. which was so incredibly hard. i woke up this morning with the left side of my face swelled up and my lip so swollen i couldn't close my mouth. i thought i broke my jaw it hurt so bad. so i call the dr. the dr says go to the er. so i go and i have lymphontitus or something. my lymphnoids are infected. fantastic.
oh well.
I'm missing you babe. i hope your enjoying your time with you mommy and jack jack. and you better be watching over us. i love you to the moon and back. forever & ever babe. xoxo.
today is 5 months. almost half a year.
can i believe that? no.
do i want to believe that? no.
lets see where I'm at now that I'm 5 months out.
would i say i am all better? absolutely not. would i say i am at a better place than i was 2 months ago? absolutely. Joe is helping me everyday get a little bit stronger i believe. i am capable of having EXTREMELY good days now. Its not that I don't think of him or wish he was here, but i am able to enjoy my daughter. and enjoy the weather. and enjoy my friends. and i know Joe would WANT me to enjoy all of those things. so i don't feel as much guilt on a daily basis.
but not every day is that good.
even on my BEST day, i think about him 6000000 times a day. and i compare other people to him constantly. i think "if joe was doing that he would... or joe liked it this way... or joe would say..." joe joe joe. and it was always be joe joe joe. its important to me that alexis always knows joe and how joe was.
as alexis grows i miss him more. she started walking and i would give anything for him to see it. and be here. and hear her call everyone and everything daddy. to watch her kick a ball all around the house. to give her kisses.
the longing i have for him is indescribable. everyday i wish he was here. everyday i wish i could hear his voice or see his handsome face. everyday i wish i could hear him say anything. the fact that his voice is becoming a memory and looking at my pictures realizing that he is frozen in time. he is not growing any older. i will not have new or recent pictures of him. the photos i have are all i will ever have. that is hard to accept, esp since i feel i have so FEW pictures, which is not true. its so hard to accept all of these things.
so where do i stand at 5 months? better than before, but not as good as i hope to be in a few months. i owe all of it to the awesome people in my life. my guardian angel, our precious baby, my family, his family, my incredible friends, and mostly my widow friends. the ones who get it when everyone else is looking at me like I'm insane. so thank you all, you will never understand how much i love you.
how did i spend my day? in the emergency room. which was so incredibly hard. i woke up this morning with the left side of my face swelled up and my lip so swollen i couldn't close my mouth. i thought i broke my jaw it hurt so bad. so i call the dr. the dr says go to the er. so i go and i have lymphontitus or something. my lymphnoids are infected. fantastic.
oh well.
I'm missing you babe. i hope your enjoying your time with you mommy and jack jack. and you better be watching over us. i love you to the moon and back. forever & ever babe. xoxo.
Saturday, December 17, 2011
i can't..
i can't do this ANYMORE.
im all done. tapped out.
emotionally, physically, completely done.
tonight i had christmas with joes moms side of the family. i thought i was doing fine, being in their house is nothing new. i love his parents house. but tonight i was very aware of all his photos on the walls, and all his stuff that was sitting out. i was very aware of everything and tonight it was too much. our daughter, who now walks, was walking around saying "daddy. dada. daddy" everywhere she saw him. a) i am very proud of myself and her that she knows his face that well. b) it broke my heart every time she said it.
idk. i can't do this anymore.
im all done.
i can't even finish this because i can't see through my tears.
just end this now.
give him back to me, your point has been proven, i do in fact NEED him to function.
im all done. tapped out.
emotionally, physically, completely done.
tonight i had christmas with joes moms side of the family. i thought i was doing fine, being in their house is nothing new. i love his parents house. but tonight i was very aware of all his photos on the walls, and all his stuff that was sitting out. i was very aware of everything and tonight it was too much. our daughter, who now walks, was walking around saying "daddy. dada. daddy" everywhere she saw him. a) i am very proud of myself and her that she knows his face that well. b) it broke my heart every time she said it.
idk. i can't do this anymore.
im all done.
i can't even finish this because i can't see through my tears.
just end this now.
give him back to me, your point has been proven, i do in fact NEED him to function.
Monday, December 12, 2011
"holidays"
I'm such bad blogger. but I've honestly been avoiding this. I've been avoiding life in general. wrong? maybe. but is it working for me? kinda. it makes things less real. i hate that i am "celebrating" holidays without him. there is nothing happy or celebratory about it.
just sadness. and a lot of tears.
saturday is his side of the family's christmas.
wish me luck.
oh and to top it off, our baby turns 1 in one month. f. my. life.
just sadness. and a lot of tears.
saturday is his side of the family's christmas.
wish me luck.
oh and to top it off, our baby turns 1 in one month. f. my. life.
Monday, December 5, 2011
how?
how can someone SO young and SO youthful be SO sick.
SO sick he died.
how does that happen? i am looking through my photos right now and he is so healthy and so youthful. he was so full of life and now. now he's a memory to everyone but me. to me he is still very much alive and very much a part of my everyday. but to everyone else he is a memory. i don't think I'm okay with any of this. i want my baby love for christmas. please santa. thats all i want. one more kiss. one more hug. one more 'i love you gf.' anything. one more glimpse at that perfect face.
life is cruel.
SO sick he died.
how does that happen? i am looking through my photos right now and he is so healthy and so youthful. he was so full of life and now. now he's a memory to everyone but me. to me he is still very much alive and very much a part of my everyday. but to everyone else he is a memory. i don't think I'm okay with any of this. i want my baby love for christmas. please santa. thats all i want. one more kiss. one more hug. one more 'i love you gf.' anything. one more glimpse at that perfect face.
life is cruel.
Saturday, December 3, 2011
im a horrible blogger. truth is, i kinda suck at everything lately. but yeah.
lets see. the holidays, suck. I'm over this christmas shopping business on my own. its annoying. and expensive. and I'm tired of being broke. today we had family pictures. without him. how wrong is that? oh super wrong? yep thought so. so so so annoying. life is just annoying anymore. everything i do is tedious. i just want him back.
the stone was placed. how do i feel about this? not super great honestly. yes. the stone is beautiful. and i couldn't have asked for it to be any better physically. but thats not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about what the stone stands for. and what the stone symbolizes. it stands for his death. its there to mark the place that his body is laying. how morbid. it symbolizes the exact number of days since i last saw him. the exact number of minutes its been since he's been on the same planet as me. all the things i struggle every day to forget. to forget that it has been almost 5 months since i looked him in the eye and told him i loved him. there is also a picture of him on it. so in a way its nice, cause i can "see" him when i am there. but also, such a tease. there is his face. and i know just a few feet under that grass inside an ugly wooden box that i hate, is the body that i laid next to for 3 years. the body that i loved looking so handsome in a black on black suit with a ruby red tie. so close, but so so so far away.
i miss little things. like i miss the way his skin was SO warm all the time. he was NEVER EVER EVER cold. i remember when it was FREEZING that i would curl up next to him and i was instantly warm. no blanket, jacket, sweats needed. just my man. and i miss the way he ALWAYS smelled like Panera Bread. ALWAYS. and i HATED it. i miss the way he called himself boyfriend. and i was girlfriend. no matter what our relationship status changed to, he was bf. and i was gf. in this cute made up voice he had and only used with me. i miss my good morning baby texts messages. and i miss my goodnight my love phone calls. i miss him keeping me up to date on the new food coming to Panera or the new music on the radio before it was even on the radio. I miss everything about you joe.
the holidays suck without him. he would LOVE seeing and shopping for alexis. i know he is "here" but lets face it, thats NOT comforting. sorry people.
ugh cranky, emotional, missing my man tonight.
im entitled to that correct? i vote yes.
<3
lets see. the holidays, suck. I'm over this christmas shopping business on my own. its annoying. and expensive. and I'm tired of being broke. today we had family pictures. without him. how wrong is that? oh super wrong? yep thought so. so so so annoying. life is just annoying anymore. everything i do is tedious. i just want him back.
the stone was placed. how do i feel about this? not super great honestly. yes. the stone is beautiful. and i couldn't have asked for it to be any better physically. but thats not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about what the stone stands for. and what the stone symbolizes. it stands for his death. its there to mark the place that his body is laying. how morbid. it symbolizes the exact number of days since i last saw him. the exact number of minutes its been since he's been on the same planet as me. all the things i struggle every day to forget. to forget that it has been almost 5 months since i looked him in the eye and told him i loved him. there is also a picture of him on it. so in a way its nice, cause i can "see" him when i am there. but also, such a tease. there is his face. and i know just a few feet under that grass inside an ugly wooden box that i hate, is the body that i laid next to for 3 years. the body that i loved looking so handsome in a black on black suit with a ruby red tie. so close, but so so so far away.
i miss little things. like i miss the way his skin was SO warm all the time. he was NEVER EVER EVER cold. i remember when it was FREEZING that i would curl up next to him and i was instantly warm. no blanket, jacket, sweats needed. just my man. and i miss the way he ALWAYS smelled like Panera Bread. ALWAYS. and i HATED it. i miss the way he called himself boyfriend. and i was girlfriend. no matter what our relationship status changed to, he was bf. and i was gf. in this cute made up voice he had and only used with me. i miss my good morning baby texts messages. and i miss my goodnight my love phone calls. i miss him keeping me up to date on the new food coming to Panera or the new music on the radio before it was even on the radio. I miss everything about you joe.
the holidays suck without him. he would LOVE seeing and shopping for alexis. i know he is "here" but lets face it, thats NOT comforting. sorry people.
ugh cranky, emotional, missing my man tonight.
im entitled to that correct? i vote yes.
<3
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