alone

i am so over being alone.

when i was with joe.

i was never alone.

he was ALWAYS there.

even when i didnt want him there.

he was always there.

and i would kill for that right now. 

i want someone who wants JUST me.

and to lay around with.

and be cute with.

and send stupid texts to.

and be that cute couple.

i just want to feel wanted again.

:(

all these holiday movies are KILLING me.

its been how long?!

tomorrow is 16 months.

2 months short of a year and a half.

and the next 2 months are going to take their toll on me.

in the next two months i have to face

thanksgiving.

our baby's 2nd christmas.

our baby's 2nd birthday.

and 18 months without the man i love.

i was re-reading alot of my old blogs this week.

i would like to think i have come a LONG way since my blogs this time last year.

would i be being honest if i said im not sad anymore?

not at all.

would it be true to say that i dont miss him just as much if not more than this day last year?

nope. it would be the biggest lie i could say.

but what i can say is different is a few things.

like.

i have come to terms with his death.

no i do NOT ACCEPT it.

or question it daily.

but i have come to terms with the fact that he is gone. and not coming back.

and the day that smacked me in the face i thought i was going to die.

and when i really think about it i feel the same way. 

but the fact that i now understand that is a big step.

i have also started dating again.

it has been a DISASTER.

ive had some heartbreak.

ive learned what its like to cry myself to sleep over someone and something other than joe.

and i think thats healthy. 

all signs that life goes on. 

i have moved out again.

without him.

which is a challenge everyday. 

i hate sleeping alone without him next to me in a house thats not ours.

but i do it.

i dont cry everyday anymore.

i can actually go a couple days without tears.

i can think about him and talk about him with a smile.

but i do have days that absolutely defeat me.

but i know its all part of the grief process.

i have met an AMAZING group of women who support me in and out, up and down.

and without them i would be in the ground as well.

now.

my life isnt perfect now.

i still struggle daily with numbness.

i have a very hard time feeling emotion towards the day he died. and the weeks that follow.

i have been thinking about them alot lately.

and when the memories play through my head,

i know i should be sad. and i know it should hurt.

i want to hurt.

i want to cry.

but i feel nothing. just empty.

i get anxious. my heart beats fast.

but emotionally,

i feel nothing.

and this is hard for me.

i have spent the last months of my life shutting alot of people out.

and i am struggling with that as well. 

i need to let people in.

pull the walls back.

not everyone is going to die and leave me alone.

its okay to get attached.

i know this.

but i cant do it.

i need to go to therapy.

i have come to terms with that.

and i plan to make that happen.

so no. life isnt perfect. 

but the fact that i have made any progress from last year 

is an accomplishment to me.

i never thought i would.

and i have.

and i may have struggles.

but i am aware of them.

and i think thats a huge step as well.

so heres to making progress

and time going on.

even if i dont want it to.

its been such a long time since ive wrote to you. i miss you so much. life is so far from the same without you. but i know your happy now. you dont hurt for anything. and i couldnt ask for anything more. i have always wanted the best for you. and yes, i think that life with me and alexis would be the best thing for you. but i couldnt take your pain away. and i wouldnt want you to be in pain just to be with me. thats selfish. you would be so proud of me. i have moved out again. YIKES. but its going well. the bank hasnt been negative...yet. alexis is still alive and well. which is a big step. ive never taken care of her on my own. but were both living. i have been through SEVERAL jobs since i said goodbye to you. haha. fail. but i have finally found one i am content at..for now. it pays the bills and keeps food on the table. i have had my heart broken a couple times. and cried myself to sleep several times. i know you would be so mad at these douchebags. but hey. its me making bad choices. stop letting that happen! send me a decent man already! :) not a day passes that i dont think about you. or wish you were here to hold my hand and see alexis actin a fool. she is JUST like you ps. she now recognizes your pictures. and she says "MY daddy." which has been my goal for a while. her to recognize your face. and now she does. she loves you, you can see it. and i know you visit her. and it freaks me out. cause when she talks to you, it scares me. you know how i am about that. i had panera for the first time the other day. it was an epic fail. you would have been mad. they messed my order up so bad. rudeeeee people. oh well. okay now im rambling. bottom line? i miss you everyday. my heart still beats to the sound of your drum and i love you to the moon and back. you will always be my baby tiger & the first man i love. be good up there. i will see you again, and you best be waiting for me. 

forever & ever babe.

xoxoxo.

horrible blogger

i am a HORRIBLE blogger.

but today i change that.

i HAVE to get back to my blogging.

my life needs it.

so lets see.

i now live on my own.

and its great.

money sucks. 

but its great.

my bills are paid.

food on the table.

and all is good. 

i have a serious headache.

and will blog more tomorrow.

i 

promiseeeeeee.