halloween.

and it begins.
the holiday season. f. my. life.

i write this after i have had a TERRIBLE day. like AWFUL.

i miss joe SO much today. it is NOT even funny.
i have called his phone upwards of 9 times today and every time that awful verizon woman says this number has been disconnected i sob like I'm 2. i NEED to hear his voice. i NEED to see his name pop up on my Facebook or on my phone in my inbox. i NEED him. end of story.

id give ANYTHING just to talk to him. just to vent to him.

i am on the edge of a meltdown. i am so done.
i am done with my job. i am done with my school. i am done with being a single mom. i am done being a single 20 year old girl. i am done being sad. i am done being depressed. i am done loosing weight because i can't focus on anything. i am done feeling exhausted. i am done defending myself and my relationship and my grief everywhere i go. i am done. done. done. i am done. i want out of this life.

i want my joe back. i want my life back. he was the one person who could convince me that i needed togo to school. or could convince me that i am not a bad mom. or could convince me that i am good at my job. he was my voice of reason. he is my everything. and now I'm left alone.

i am so frustrated.

joe LOVES halloween. it is like chirstmas to him. like i have never seen someone get so excited about pumpkins and awful decorations. but joe does. he LOVES it. like idk what his issue is. so today, as i dressed my little ladybug up to go out i cried. thinking that he is missing it. and its only the beginning of the string of holidays. thanksgiving. chirstmas. new years, her birthday. valentines day. his birthday. our anniversary. then his one year. f my life. so from now until july of next year I'm officially checking out. this is insane.

i want a refund on this trip own this road. cause it SUCKS.

pulled toooo tight.

i. cannot. do. this.

i have had ENOUGH. something has gotta give.

being a single mom, full time student, and full time employee just isn't working.
the past 2 weeks i have worked 830am-7pm. then i come home to LOADS of homework. and then i watch my baby cry all night because i can't play with her because i have to get this stuff done. and i sit there and feel like the worst mom in the world. i cannot do this anymore.

no one should have to do all of this alone. where is my help? where is my daddy to the rescue? oh right, he gets to kick it in heaven while i struggle to catch my breath.

small pity party today.

mia

i have been mia. its not because i have 100% been healed it more because i am 100% lost.  i miss my joe more than words can express. i am so unhappy with where i am in my life. i feel like everyone is moving on or pushing forward and I'm still stuck in july 2011. that is not a good feeling. I'm just struggling. alexis is at such a hard point in life to be a single parent. shes into everything and i can't get a single thing done. everyday i think i have epic meltdown and just wish he was here to sit with her for like 2 minutes so i can go to the bathroom alone. idk. I'm just struggling. so many new things are happening at work, they would be SO good for us and our finances but, its just me. me and our finances. and it sucks. it makes me angry. the good the bad the in-between he is who i shared it with, and now i find myself talking to the sky and getting MAD.

one of my very good friends through my grief group had her one year marker on sunday. we got to celebrate by having her sweet princess dedicated to our church. it was a great way to celebrate her man. i honor her strength. and just watching her be strong on sunday in front of all of those people gave me hope. sunday was a rough day for me for certain reasons, i won't make public on here in case certain people read this, but it was rough and just seeing her be strong. i KNEW it would be okay. does it make me not miss joe anymore? no but it makes me hope that there is a light at the end of my dark dark tunnel.

my sister and brother in law called on monday. she asked me about sunday and then she proceeds to ask me a question i could tell she didn't want to ask me. see joe LOVED playing video games i think I've mentioned that. well, joeys( his brother) xbox got the rings of death. uh oh. so she says, " would you be willing to sell joes xbox to us" and for the first time i felt so much peace and was so happy to gladly tell her i would just give it to her. see I've been very possessive of joes stuff. its all boxed up and NO ONE is to touch it. not even me. but i know Joe would WANT joey to have it. joe LOVES joey and of every person in this world he would want JOEY to have it. and it makes me feel honored to give him that memory of joe. and i know joe is telling me its okay. he is reminding me that he is here and i don't need EVERY physical thing like that to remember him but that Joey does need that. when joey looks at that he will see joe and he will remember his brother and that gives me great peace inside. i want everyone to remember joe. and if giving him and xbox does that then i am so thrilled to give it to him.

i love you angel baby. you are my sunshine. my rock. my everything. keep reminding me your here. i need you still, actually now more than ever. xoxox.

3 months.

this day, 3 whole months ago was the last day i got to spend with my joe.

heyyy you :) just had an awesome visit with you! your doing great joe! you have no idea how far youve come! today you were wide awake!! eyes wide open! you were moving your arms and feet and responding to peoples voices. :) you reached for my phone which is so like you. and you smiled at me..kinda but its a smile to me :) you held my hand and im pretty sure you mouthed you loved me. im going to say you did :) keep getting stronger. rest tonight sweetie. i will see you tomorrow. we all miss you & love you so so much ♥


this is what i wrote this time, this day, 3 months ago. and then the very next day, my life was flipped upside down. 


i had every intention of writing this super strong post about how far I've come in 3 months, but tonight i realize i haven't gone anywhere. i am still just as sad and empty, numb and clueless as i was 3 months ago. when i buried you joe i buried the kayla the whole world knew that day too. i was laying right next to you in that casket because this girl, this is not the girl i was 3 months ago. 


yes, there have been some things that have happened that i am 100% grateful that have happened in the past 3 months.


- I have a relationship with his family that I have always seeked. They are truly great people 
and i am honored to call them my family. 


-I have met a great support system. The ladies from my grief group have changed my life.


-I have gained some awesome friends, and fixed several friendships that i wouldn't be able to function without. Joes friends have become my very best guy friends and I wouldn't trade them for the world. 


-God has shown his light in many strange ways.


- I have discovered the impact words can have on someone. Blogging, journaling and writing my emotions down has been the most healing thing ever. I now have every intention to write a book. 


I am struggling with trusting God and knowing he is there and carrying me through all this but each day I find myself trusting him a little more. I know he will take the pain away when its time. If only that would lessen my pain right now. sigh.


I am also extremely grateful for Joe. I can feel him in everything i do. we had a nice cry session on the floor the other day and i know it was just me him and God. it was a time i know the 3 of us needed together. and i don't see it as being the last time it happens. my man is always looking out for me. 


there isn't a day that passes that i don't miss you. there isn't a moment that passes that I'm not thinking about you or telling a joe story. your baby looks and acts more like you every day. we talk about you everyday and we tell you goodnight every day on our desktop picture when we close the comp at night. she will know you. it is my biggest determination. i am not the same without you. but i know you are guiding me through the days. i know you are with me. i know you love me. i know you will always be mine. these are the things that get me through each day. each moment. each breath. 


just breathe. 
breathe through the breaking pain.
just breathe.




missing you more and more angel.   

another funeral.

tomorrow i get to bury my grandfather. now, him and i were not super close, but in the same matter, i have to attend another funeral and he WAS my grandfather. i am watching my mother grieve and it is taking me 1000000 steps backwards in my process of grief. i miss joe, and i haven't even dealt with his death much less deal with another persons death. i can't see people grieving if you read my post about the cemetery you will understand why not. i don't want to make the day about me but i don't know how well I'm going to be able to stand on my own 2 feet. I'm afraid. deathly afraid, no pun intended. i am struggling. today i put my dress that i wore to joes funeral on for the second time ever and i sat on my bathroom floor and sobbed. it was a pathetic site. but i felt i needed to do it. i needed to sit and stare at myself in that dress and cry. and i know joe was sitting on the floor with me. holding me. because i felt it.

i feel like I've been so wrapped up in my work and my life that i have been putting joe on the back burner. it has been 2 whole days since I've had a good cry and obviously that back fired.

but there will be enough tears tomorrow to make up for it. bleh. shoot me now.

hallmark holidays

lets talk about these made up holidays. as a widow, i find them ANNOYING. honestly, before i met joe i wasn't a fan of them either and we WOULD NOT have celebrated them if it wasn't for him pushing it, i know weird right? but anyway.

i understand the meaning behind it, kinda. I do get that they are in place for people to express their love to one another about their loved ones. but heres the deal, most men forget, which in turn makes the women mad. and then you spend the week making up for the STUPID made up holiday that he forgot. is it worth that for a card and some flowers, MAYBE some jewelry? i think not. and honestly do you need ONE day to express your love for someone? are they not worth it the other 364 days of the year? joe and i showed our love daily and he would aways bring me little gifts or flowers or send me sweet texts that said more than any hallmark card could ever write. but anyway. the world will continue to celebrate them i assume. whatever they want to do.

after that horrid rant, i will SADLY admit i did indulge and buy myself a NICE gift for today. kinda like a mini pity party :)

joe bought me this necklace on May 10th 200...8? i think. maybe 2009? not important. it was our FIRST OFFICIAL days since he was outta school. he took me to Bravo's, we went to see Ghost of Girlfriends Past, showed up at my house with flowers and a card, and gave me this necklace. 

obviously this necklace hold serious sentimental value now, and what happens to it? i lost it. yep. when we moved the 2nd time. GREAT. so what have i been doing? yep I've been trying to track it down. so i FINALLY find it. and i ordered it and i bought it. was it cheap? NOPE. do i care? NOPE. i deserve it. is it the same necklace as the one he gave me that day, nope. but it is the design he picked out for me. and whenever i see it i think of him. i love it. and i will give it to my baby one day. it tolds my heart inside that tiny pendent. happy non existent holiday to me :) 

on a different note. today, i go into the laundry room to...do laundry. and i see this TINY TINY TINY lion shaped eraser, like one for children and i pick it up and all the sudden i remember that joe got me that out of one of those quarter machines the day i told him i was pregnant. thanks for the sign your still with me angel face.

i love you to the moon and back and i hope you spent the day with me :) xoxoxox.

decisions.

i SUCK at making decisions. joe and i would ALWAYS fight over me making choices. i would never pick where we ate, what we watched, where we went, what we bought. it was bad. but if i wanted something then i could def make a choice. such as clothes or decorations or jewelry :) it was a huge downfall of our relationship because the arguments would spiral out of control. he got mad, i got mad, then he got mad that i was mad and i got mad that he was mad and so on. it was never ending. but eventually i would storm out and he would chase me down and all was well in the world. anyway. not the point. well kinda the point. i have REALLY been struggling with decisions lately. well since he got sick. i had to make decisions for him everyday and now i don't have my decision maker in my life anymore. bleh. :( not okay. anyway. i have made a couple decisions that i am proud of.

1) i decided to go to grief support group with a little help from my lovely "sister in law" and "mother in law" who i LOVE dearly and knew they wouldn't steer me wrong. but i decided to go and i LOVE it. i LOVEEEE crossroads and i LOVE the ladies i have met in my group. i wouldn't be here without them.

2) i have decided i want to help people. i have really been struggling with what i want to do with my life and i think i want to become a counselor. not anytime soon obviously, but it is important to me to give help to people who need it like people have been( and are continuing to do) for me. i want to give people support like i have been given. it has changed my life. joe is a huge supporter of counseling and i think he would really support me on this. idk, nothing is set in stone but for today this is the decision i have made.

3) i have decided to live in the moment. i am NOT this girl. i DO NOT act like this. I am a planner, i am a homebody, and i don't break rules. and I'm done with this. i am going to live everyday like its my last because i sit now and think about all the things joe and i were SUPPOSED to do but i put off because we had "all the time in the world" yeah right. obviously God can take all your time away from you whenever he seems fit. so we will see how this life treats me.

4) i have also decided at some point i think id like to write a book. not so much to get it published, i could care less if it ever gets published but i want my story somewhere. i want it somewhere where its available to others and i want to make sure my story and my joe never dies, because i am proud of my story and i am proud of my relationship and  i never want it to die. i want everyone in years to come to know of my joe and our love story. so we will see how that goes.

for now, this is all of my decisions i have made. this is a lot for a girl like me. but for now, i am ultra sick and i am in desperate need of homework, a shower, and a girls night out.


i hope your enjoying your time up there handsome man. cause i am NOT enjoying my time down here without you. come home boyfriend. your girls are waiting for you. xoxoxo.

hey baby.

today, i miss you. i miss you so much i don't know what to do with myself. i don't know how to live my everyday life when i lost my everyday life. i try to be super strong for a lot of people, but deep down. I'm missing you. and I'm missing everything we lost. I'm missing our saturday dates at TGI fridays. I'm missing our trips to Meijer. I'm missing you BLARING music in a parking lot and me slowly sinking into my chair outta embarrassment. I'm missing your texts when you couldn't sleep telling me EXACTLY how you felt about me. I'm missing someone to call when I'm SO PISSED at my job. I'm missing you. you and me. you made a promise and you didnt follow through. that isn't like you. you ALWAYS kept your word. i know you didn't choose this, but still. :( i need you more than you and i were aware. when i said forever, i didn't really understand the meaning behind that until it was ripped out from under me. :( what kinda life is this? what kinda life am i going to lead? a sad and lonely life? cause thats how i feel. our princess is 9 MONTHS OLD. can you BELIEVE that?! she is SO big and looks JUST like you. she IS you all over again. i hope your watching over her, and me. i know your watching over me. i SWEAR i felt kisses today on the left side of my forehead just like you used to. <3 your always with me. you must be a busy man. cause we run a lot. :) i love you baby. you will always be my baby tiger. i hope your enjoying your time up there. you BEST be taking care of jack jack. tell him his mama misses him and you better be giving him some cat nip like he loves & letting him sleep in your bed. your bengals are doing well this season, i know your helping them out. we both know they need it. lol. anyway, i will let you sleep or play games whatever your doing. lol. i love you boo. ill be seeing you.

love,
your favorite girl. forever & ever.

lonely, sad, and sick.

i have a head cold from the underworld. and it makes me sad. and lonely. last night i went to the cyclones game( our local hockey team) with my very best friends and it was nice. but then of course it had to end, and i was alone. so i went BACK to hang out with them and it hit me like a wall. i don't want to hang out and play pong, or listen to music, or dance, or watch movies with them, i want to lay at home with my head in his lap and him playing with my hair watching movies and cuddling and him making me feel better. he would hold a heating pad on the back of my neck or ice or make me soup or go get me my favorite coffee, and now. its just me and my pong playing best friends and their happiness.

i have NEVER felt so alone in a world full of people. i feel like my world has stopped spinning. things have shifted recently and i don't get it. ever since the funeral at the cemetery episode i am spooked and i can't get over it. i can't come back from that moment and its frustrating. i feel alone. i feel alone. i feel alone. :( i just want my life back! is that too much to ask?! blahhhhh. I'm loosing my mind people. i HATE this feeling.

i took our princess to the pumpkin patch friday. and that was so hard. joe LOVES halloween and it is horrible to be doing this stuff without him. :( but, i know he was with us. i felt him there. it was odd. but i did. but i need a boyfriend hug and a kiss and someone to tell me I'm beautiful still.

                                                       looks so much like her daddy. <3

cemetery

yesterday i went to visit joe. why you ask? i have NO idea. it is THE SADDEST place on earth but seriously i will be driving and i will just end up there.

there is no headstone yet, just a red flag. the love of my life gets a red flag and thats it. ugh. annoying. but anyway. I'm sitting there, like always. i always sit. right on top of his grave like I'm sitting in his lap, because i always sat in his lap. weird? not to me. anyway

as i sit there there is a funeral going on not too far away. far enough to where I'm not intruding on them, but close enough to where you can see everyone and hear them, after all its a silent place. it was the WEIRDEST experience I've ever went through. i was sitting there and i just couldn't look away. that was me 2 months ago. i know EXACTLY how those people felt. there were people sobbing and i remember that exact pain. i remember standing next to that casket refusing to leave because that meant he was going into the ground. i remember just standing there. holding onto a box. a box that held everything i loved. and i was overcome with grief. absolutely knock the breath out of you, can't stand up, uncontrollable tears kinda grief. so i sat there and sobbed. sobbed for my life lost and watched these people sob too.

i was changed by that moment. and I'm still reflecting upon it today. its been a rough couple days. I'm missing my baby. i just remember how handsome he is, and how soft his skin was, and how good he looked and smelled after a shower, how he rubbed my feet or when we were in a store kept his hand on my lower back kinda like, yeah she's mine kinda deal. i miss that. i miss the little stuff. i miss the way he looked at me. NO ONE looks at me like that anymore. or the way he called me baby girl, and then called our baby his princess. i just want to hear his voice. i want to be annoyed by the amount of texts i got at work and couldn't get anything done. i want to argue over bills. i just want to be in the same room as him and hear him breathe or lay on his chest and hear his heart beat. that sound was  the thing that kept my world together.

ugh minor pity party today. blehhhhhhh. save me.

as simple as a television.

an LCD 32 in flat screen television has changed my life drastically.

this tv was the VERY first purchase joe & i made TOGETHER living ON OUR OWN. this tv will always hold a special place in my heart.

there are lots of movies watched on the tv, games played, and television shows watched on that tv. there are memories of cuddling up in front of that tv, FIGHTING over that tv, and carrying that tv around in our car for weeks ( LONG story) in the end, this tv holds majority of my memories with joe.

obviously when he passed the tv became mine. up until today the tv has been sitting in my spare room, unassembled and NOT plugged in. I would look at it everyday and just smile, but never nerved up to plug it in. well, i finally got gutsy with a little help from my kid brother and the tv is now assembled. turning the tv on for the first time was really hard. knowing that the last time that tv was turned out HE was watching it, that is really hard for me to think about. but that tv symbolizes my life with joe i think. that tv is like our other baby. he LOVED that tv. his whole life he wanted his OWN flat screen and he finally got it. <3 my tv.

and the tv looks great in my bedroom, and when i watch it i think about him directly. i know he is watching over me, alexis, AND his tv.

one more thing off my list. i really need to stop checking things off my list. i am doing it to seek closure and i am not finding it, but that is a post for tomorrow.

now its time for bed. <3 goodnight blogging world & more importantly goodnight my sweet angel. <3 i will see you in my dreams. i love youuu.

alone.

"From the way he spoke of you and Alexis... I've rarely heard anyone speak of loving someone so much. Don't doubt it. The two of you were his world. At times he would make me jealous thinking I wish I had that. I sincerely believe Joe will always watch over you two." 

this is a message I got from one of Joes managers at work. These words mean so much to me. lately i find myself doubting my life. doubting the joe loves me or loved me at all. and i needed a reminder, and then i was going through my inbox which has been OVERWHELMED with messages since he passed and there was this message, sticking out at me and it reminded me, he does love me and he made that clear to EVERYONE he came in contact with. and that is what i remember about my joe. but at the same time, it makes me miss him. so much more. i am so over being alone. i want to feel that happiness again. the happiness of being in a HAPPY HEALTHY LOVING relationship. I am not sure I will ever have what I had with Joe again. I know I am only 2 months out and still very early in this process, but the love i shared with joe only comes once in a life time and anything from here on out will be settling for sure. I found my prince charming, and now he is gone. 

Blah kinda day. 

On an up note, my baby has her first tooth! Her dada would be so proud. He couldn't wait for her to get her teeth! 

i love you boyfriend. to the moon and back. <3 

family

what defines a family? this has been on my mind a lot lately. what do you have to do to be considered FAMILY? I mean yes, my mother father and siblings are my family. and of course Alexis. but then everyone else, i mean what does society define as a family. Me? I consider Joe my family obviously. but then I also consider my "should be inlaws" my family too. is that wrong? Today we spent the day with them, well the evening and I just felt 100% at home. They understand and they are supportive and over the last 2 months they have gotten to know me pretty well. They genuinely care about me and Alexis. The love us unconditionally and when we are together its relaxed, we are ourselves and we can tease and play but also be serious. Does this make them "family" in the eyes of society? I am not sure. But they are family in my book, and I wouldn't trade them for the world. I love have another set of parents and another set of arms and ears for when i need them and Alexis just loves  them, and her cousins. and we love them too! Ashleigh, Joey and Lauren are great and the boys are adorable. anyway. this is my random vent about my family. because in my book they are family. I don't need blood or paperwork to prove anything.


I know my music challenge is over, and tomorrows blog will be about that and where I "am at" in my healing process but for tonight here is a song that i feel really ties up how i feel..

day 30.

i FAIL at blogging! haha. I missed the LAST day of my music challenge, but this is my game so I am posting it today.

Jay Sean- Down

this song holds a very special place in my heart. this was joe & i's song. it is the ringtone on my phone, it is on EVERY playlist on my iTunes. it is my favorite song ever. I have always loved this song, since the minute Joe found it on his secret website and i heard it first. Then one day I just started dancing to it in the car and Joe just started laughing. It has been our song ever since. Whenever we would fight he would play this song and it NEVER failed, no matter how mad i was it always made me feel better. always. and when i am frustrated and missing him i listen to it and have a good solid cry. haha. this song will always be our song baby. and i love it. and i love you. and i can see you dancing and singing down down down down down right now. its the down down song baby boo. <3

this weekend has been eventful. i will have to blog about that later. until then, i am exhausted and going to bed to hopefully dream of my lover. <3 

goodnight baby boo. i hope your having a good weekend. i miss you. xoxox 

i love you to the moon and back.