today is 10 weeks. I cannot believe another month is almost over and i am still alive. I miss my man so so much. I miss all the things he gave to me. I read an interesting blog post from a fellow widow who I follow religiously and it really made me think. She made a list of all the things she lost when she lost her love, and it made me realize Joe was my everything and he is gone. my everything is gone. This morning was a beautiful morning, then tonight turned ugly. Just like this day 10 weeks ago. The day started out FABULOUS. Joe was doing WONDERFUL he was the most awake I've seen him and he was super responsive to us and the nurses. That was the day I said to myself " I can finally breathe relaxed, he is going to be okay. He is FINALLY going to pull through" then 2 hours later I got the phone call that changed my world, "Pops needs us at the hospital right away, something is wrong" Silence. Right then my world STOPPED spinning. I realized things are NOT going to be okay, something is wrong. and that night, my world as i knew it was over. the beautiful morning was over, and the sun would never shine the same way again. My world is cast with darkness. The Kayla i knew, left with the Joe I love. Now I am this girl. This girl deserves a different name because she is in no way the same as that girl I was at 12:20 on July 21st, 2011 when I was sitting in that hospital room with my happy, healing Joe. At 10:32 when the heart that kept my world spinning stopped, so did my heart, and it started again as a new person. Bleh.
see what goes on in my head? its a dark place.
Kesha- Want you bad
\
i want joe so bad. and again. he loved kesha. I remember he thought this song was so great. He played it over and over and over again in the car. haha. i can see him right now, dancing smiling singing kissing me loving me his hand on my leg while he was driving and the other hand dancing while his knee drives the car. ahh my reckless little lover. <3
tomorrow is 10 weeks. 10 WEEKS?! nooo. blehhh. i miss my man.
today i have thought a lot about the ICU. our stay and our journey in the ICU. I haven't gotten around to writing a thank you note to the nursing staff there, or anyone else yet, they are all waiting to be written. thankfully my "in laws" are going to help me. but anyway. I am doing a new position at work, and its just me and my iPod all day. and today the ICU was on my mind all day. I can picture my sweet angel laying in that bed sound asleep in that contraption of a rotating bed. I can remember the MOMENT he opened his eyes for the first time in 2 weeks, it was just me and him in the room. i was SO scared, but SO excited at the same time. I was the first person he saw when he opened those big brown eyes. <3 I can remember the moment he grabbed my hand for the first time in 2 weeks, the first time he mouthed the words "i love you". when he reached for my phone because i was teasing him for not teaching me how to use it before he went into the hospital. and then i remember the moment that precious heart stopped beating. when he took his last breath. all of those moments happened in room 1330 in the ICU. that room holds so many memories. and idk why its been on my mind today but it has. it was a nice room. but now, i plan to NEVER EVER go back to Bethesda North Hospital ICU or any other room in that hospital to be frank. bleh. there is my random mind thoughts today.
I am also thinking about my fellow widow over at No Sudden Revelations who is facing her 6 month marker today. <3 hugs to you girly.
and my DEARRR friend Tameka, I met her through my grief group at Crossroads and she has become my lifeline. her hardest month is ahead of her and she is in my thoughts. we will do it together girly. i am always here. loveee you <3
anyway. my song for the day.
Avril Lavigne- Keep Holding On
the motto of my life now. keep holding on. plus joe loves avril.
this was the song of our very first summer together. <3 such a joe song. and such an excuse for him to "party" haha. love him so much.
today i went to grief group. i LOVE my grief group. tameka, ms kathy and ms karen are the absolute best people i have ever met. i don't know what i would do without our weekly tuesday meeting. its like a refresher. when its over i am going to loose my mind! its just nice to be around people who get it and who care. its the quickest hour of my life. haha. they put much validity behind my feelings. <3 them.
baby, i miss you. i think about you so much. i just wish i could have you back for 30 seconds to tell you ONE more time that i love you MORE than you love me and see that smile on your face. :) your princess misses you. her "muh dada". thats what she says. but i know she plays with you. i can tell when your visiting her. she seems happier and is content by herself for once. ha. i miss you. come home to me handsome man. your myyyyy man. <3 forever & ever babe. xoxo
somehow, i got a day behind. i think i posted the wrong day yesterday. ha. anyway. today is day 26.
Akon- Nosey Neighbor
this song is 100% inappropriate and obnoxious, but its a joe song. and when he heard it he loved it. it reminded him of the movie Disturbia, which was a favorite movie of ours and the reason it is todays song. I saw something about that movie today and i was like JOE! NOSEY NEIGHBOR! and the memories came flooding back. i love living in my memories. they are so much better than my reality.
today, i went out to get the mail (no work today) and i came inside, slightly distracted, and i am the only one home. the baby is asleep, and all the sudden there is this smell in my kitchen. it smells JUST like joe. immediately i look up and start looking around. It was so strong, it smelled like someone was in my house. but no one was, it just smelled like it. i KNOW he was in my kitchen, freaking me out. thanks baby.
thennn i was looking for a file on my computer and i came across this video, i thought i had found all the videos of joe talking to alexis, but i guess i didn't cause here this video was, and it was his voice, the voice i have been dying to hear, on the other end of the computer. instant tears. again, thank you baby.
i know i just posted my weekend, but this song deserves its own post.
Jaicko- Fast Forward
ohhh this song. i have been SEARCHING for this song for weeks now. and i couldn't remember it. and i couldn't find it on the 4000 CDs in our car. FINALLY on my way to work yesterday i found it! thank you baby! anyway, i loveeee this song. now it makes me a little sad, because my future is gone. but i try to remember when joe and i had planned our future and this was the song he played for me. " fast forward into the future, cause i could spend forever with you. fast forward into our destiny cause theres so much we could do" Joe and i were going through a rough time and he just kept saying we need to fast forward into a better time. when we have this all figured out and we are married and happy. and thats exactly what we needed. and we never got it. i was robbed. stupidddd universe. and in no way do i believe this is my destiny! no way at all!
i love you baby. and i still think about our future every single day. i miss you more with each breath. i love you baby love. i hope your enjoying heaven & your waiting for me.
I'm such a bad blogger. haha. the weekends are always tough to blog. i spend a lot of the weekend wishing joe was here. he loves the weekend. friday we went to KI. that was lame. but it was another thing to check off my list of things I've done without joe. i think i feel if i check off my list i will feel better, but its turning out to be the opposite. anyway. KI was lame. and cold. so we came home. i finally talked through how i feel with one of my high school friends. did she get it? nope. but it was nice to put the words out there. she was there in the hospital when joe died and there was a lot about the story she didn't know. so it was nice to inform her. i hate telling my story though. some people find it therapdic, i find it stressful. I can type it and not be connected to what I'm typing but when i have to talk about it, the words take me right back to that minute and i get lost in that day and i feel pain that is unrealistic. i don't even remember the pain being that bad the day it happened, i guess I've numbed myself out a little. which is how i like it. the day the numbness goes away, is the day everything falls apart.
last night we had a bonfire. me marissa and some of our good friends. it was really nice. i enjoy being chill with them. there were times i wished joe was there, but there were other times i felt him standing right behind me. i know he was there. i just wish i could have been cuddled up with him. bleh. annoying. anyway. today were off to church with Gaga & Pops, haven't seen pops in a long time! it is always nice to spend time with them. they are always so receptive to how I'm feeling and what I'm saying.
hope you all enjoy your weekend.
Akon- Party Animal
joe loved akon and he says this song is about him. haha. he thinks he is a party animal, which could be very true. haha. i am laughing right now thinking of you signing this baby. hahaha. your cute & your mine & i love you! :)
Joe loves Akon. like i swear. he was his biggest fan. but anyway. Joe loved this song before he knew me. Joe always had music before it was on the radio so when he played this song for me i had NEVER heard it and i was like uhh? this is insane. but now i wish he would have showed me where he got this music, i always said i didn't care. but then i never expected him to not be here to find music for me. ugh. things you take for granted.
today is friday. fridays are hard. joe LOVES fridays and saturday morning. :( id give anything to have another chipotle & movie night with my baby.
tonight I'm headed to KI. maybe that will release some adrenaline. we shall see!
**warning this will be a long post, its that kinda day..**
today i can't stop looking at my ring from joe. i haven't taken it off. well, i take it off to shower, but i still wear it daily. is that wrong? idk. but i still wear it. and there is a reason i am looking at it today. here is the conversation between me and a coworker today..
coworker- "how are you today?"
me- " lonely. today i feel lonely."
coworker-" lonely? why is that?"
me-"uh?"
coworker-" then take that ring off your finger and do something about it."
really? who says that to someone? i know she meant well, but really?! she is the SWEETEST girl alive and i know she is just looking out for me. but do you really say that to someone?!?! noooo. not after 2 months. at least not in my book.
so today, i am looking at my ring. and thinking of all the reasons i still wear it. i think of when and where i was when he gave it to me, i think about the fact that it came in the mail a week after he died, for a reason. he made sure it came that late to remind me i am still his and he still loves me even though he is not here. i think about the fact that i don't have to listen to a coworker and i can do what i want. but i still feel very defensive about my cute little diamond ring. hmm.
i am super over people dismissing my emotions and thinking i should be okay and ready to date by now. i do feel lonely. and i do feel like I'm seeking companionship but thats ALL i call it. i just want someone to talk to. i want that manly figure back in my life. but then i have guy friends and all i do is compare them to joe. and none of them compare. boooo. oh well. i will never replace my joe and i need to accept that and stop looking for someone to compare to him.
i have discovered just how angry i am. i am SO angry and i don't want to be angry but i can't make it stop. i am mad. and i think i am starting to be mad at joe. i feel like he left me. i know he didn't do it on purpose but i just feel like he left me. he left me on my own. and i am DEF mad at God. He took my joe. He took my everything. He gives me this amazing man and amazing life. He gives me a newborn. He gives me a life and then he takes it away. Now I am alone. I am alone with a baby. awesome. And I blame God. I blame him for all this and I shouldn't . I should NOT but i can't make it STOP. ugh idk.
anyway, this is the song thats playing on my iTunes right now and it reminds me of joe, since this IS my Joe playlist ;)
RIZ- She's Like A Star
<333
baby, wherever you are. i love you. & i miss you. & you better not have a new girlfriend. I am jealous just thinking about it. fakjfkl! why do i go there! blah. i miss you. come home to us. just make God give you back. your mine and I wasn't ready to give you up. so, yeah. REDO please. FOUL PLAY! i love you, to the moon and back my sweet prince. rest assured, you still have my heart. I'm sure your carrying it around everywhere you go. can you fix it though? like glue the pieces back together cause it hurts. a lot. i miss you boo.
today marks 2 months that i have been without the person i love. without the person who made me function every day. without my other half. Its ONLY been 2 months, and it feels like its been 5 years. every day that ticks by goes on forever. i had a really rough morning. I've been up since about 330am. just laying there. crying. crying. crying. all i do is cry but this was like a heartbreaking cry. i got up, got alexis up, got dressed, went to work. on the way to work, its POURING down rain here today. maybe thats a sign. maybe my joe is sad he has been away from me for 2 months? idk. but the rain didn't help. i sobbed. and i yelled. i yelled at God. should i do that? no. but i just don't get it. how do you take someone away from someone like that?! how does that happen?! who does that?! so after i SCREAMED at God. DEMANDED that he give joe back, nothing happened. and that was a weird feeling. it was at that point i think i finally broke. There was a huge crack in my heart, but I think it finally broke this morning. and i felt it physically. I felt like my heart was breaking. and I realized just how broken and lonely i am. I am so alone. I miss joe. I miss my life with him. all of this i knew already, but today when i demanded him back, and nothing happened I think i realized fully that he is never coming back. I can't have him anymore. He is gone, and no one or anything can change that. I am just alone. Its just me in this world. No more Me & Joe, no more mom & dad for alexis, no more Future Mrs Carter, no more girlfriend and boyfriend. Its just Kayla. Just Mom. Just me. and thats a sad sad truth. i don't know how to accept that. I don't know how to accept that I'm broken. I don't know how to accept that never again will I be whole like I was on July 20th 2011, or even the morning of July 21st, 2011. As of July 21st, 2011 at 10:32 pm, I am this human. This human who is all alone. This human who shouldn't even be named Kayla Rose. because i am NO LONGER Kayla Rose. I am someone else. Someone completely different. I am lost. and i don't know if i have another word for it. Lost, Broken, and Alone.
today i have no song. there is no song for this day. I thought about making our song the song for today, but today there is just silence. my world is silent.
Joe LOVES owl city. I LOVE this song. fair enough right? We also owned this CD, and that is saying something. Joe NEVER bought CDs. he would prefer to burn them..illegally. lol. but he loved the way this music sounded. and now, i think about him every time i hear it. i love this music and i love him.
today i don't have much to say. I'm just kinda down today. like everyday. wednesday is 2 months. and i was supposed to be off and now i have to work. shoot me now.
So, I didn't blog yesterday. Yesterday was a rough day for me. Happy birthday to me.. i think. My birthday was actually really nice. It started out rough. I was super sad, I thought my friends were going to bail on me, I was super upset, and then I started really missing Joe. If he was here he would have made sure my birthday was recognized is what i kept saying. and i felt 100% neglected. but things came around. I went out with Nick Mat and Adam to dinner and a movie on the river. Which was super nice. They are sweet guys. They were all Joes friends from high school who i have adopted as my own now. I just love all of them. They really put some effort into my birthday, which meant a lot. We went back to their apt afterwards and some of my ladies came over and we celebrated. such a nice time. Story details available upon request ;) Although I was sad, I wished Joe was there, It was nice. I was able to enjoy myself. I laughed a genuine laugh for the first time in 4 months. I had fun with people that i love being around and thats what matters. Joe gave me last night, he knew I needed it. I deserved it. And he was there playing games and laughing with me. I felt him.
Today I went to my cousins baby shower. It made me a little sad because it made me remember my baby shower, and that point in my life this time last year. We were happy. Planning for our baby. Planning for our future. And now my future is gone. but I am so happy for her and I cannot wait to meet Bryn.
After that Alexis and I made it to our 2nd party of the day ( 3rd for me!) my nephew Macs birthday celebration. It was actually a celebration of all the september birthdays with extra emphasis on Mac :) Now, some of you will say that he isn't my nephew, which technically he isn't, but i view him as family. i view all of them as family. i love them. it was nice, it really was. i love spending time with them. but i also started missing joe so so much. i wanted him there with me celebrating our birthdays. family events are always tough. i just want my joe there to celebrate with. its just not the same without him and i kinda always feel like the odd ball out, even though i know they all love me and alexis and support us in every way.
anyway, now that i have typed a novel! I am going to post my songs and get my life back to normal. the birthday party weekend is over and life must go on.
baby, i thank you for this weekend. i know you gave me this weekend because you know i couldn't take much more. you know that i needed it and that i deserve a day of non insanity and a day to try and be happy. i tired, and i had moments of happiness and i know that you gave them to me. you must have missed my laugh cause you brought it back for one night. and i love you for that. i miss you so so much. & i couldnt love you more than i do now. <3
so day 17 is Akon- Angel
joe and i saw this song on a VS commercial and we just loved it. He is in love with akon and i am in love with this song. Joe is always my angel. <3
and day 18 is Scotty McCreery- I Love You This Big
this song has no joe story, but i love this song. it really reminds me of joe. i do love him so much. and the lyrics speak right to how i feel. I first heard this song when joe was in the hospital and i thought about joe right away when i did. this is a joe song. he wasn't a huge country music fan, but he heard this song while he was unconscious and i know he would like it. its a kayla & joe song. yep we have our own genre :) i love you this big handsome man.
"there are billions of people in this world and it only takes the loss of one to make me feel completely alone"
Kesha- Your love is my Drug
more kesha. cheating? nah this is my own game! like i said, Joe LOVES kesha. and honestly, i LOVE this song. When I first heard it on the CD I played it like 9 million times. haha. Joe was super sick of it! but its true, I am addicted to loving him. I will always love him and I enjoy it. I enjoy loving him, even though he isn't here anymore, weird? maybe. idk. i don't think it is. i love him and i love knowing he loves me too. feeling loved is a great feeling. but makes me miss him a little more than i did before i thought about this.
today is the day before my birthday. ugh. i keep talking to joe and telling him 1 day till my birthday just like i would if he was here :) and i know he hears me. but honestly, I'm not super excited. shh don't tell him. its just not the same without him. i miss him and i want him here to celebrate with. Tomorrow some of Joes awesome friends, who are now very special to me, are taking me out. such sweet boys :) taking the poor pitiful girl out on her birthday. haha. oh well, i appreciate it. The girls at work got me a nice balloon and cookies :) so sweet. Sunday is my cousins baby shower and Macs birthday! I am so glad I don't have to spend my weekend alone, although i always feel alone since Joe is gone. Surrounded by a million people i could still feel alone.
I made it through 8 weeks, only 8 thousand more weeks to go. ugh such a horrible thought. :(
babycakes- i miss you. come home to me. we need you. i need you. :( i am and always will be loving you handsome :)
So its 10:00 and I'm just now blogging. i am sorry.
Today is a big day.
Todays song is Beyonce- Halo
joe is my angel, so this song is self explanatory.
i don't have many words today. today is 8 weeks. 8 WHOLE weeks, 56 WHOLE days. thats a long time. and I miss him. Next wednesday will be 2 months. that is a longer time. and I am not okay with all this time thats passing. At this moment 56 days ago, i was crying in the love of my life's lap as he was unresponsive and we were just waiting for them to turn off the machine that was keeping his heart, the heart i love so much, the sound i NEEDED to function, might as well be my heart, beating. god that sounds so miserable. it is miserable what am i talking about. my life, its miserable. i miss my man. can it get anymore simple yet complex than that?
i will write more tomorrow, tonight i have no words.
joe LOVES kesha. its sick. at first i was so anti kesha but she grew on me and soon joe & i loved her together :) her music really is good! he drug me to metropolis to see her perform live. and he was in heaven. i have never seen him so happy. it really shows his love for music. so for his birthday i bought him her CD and its something i treasure very much because he loves it. so kesha will ALWAYS remind me of my precious boyfriend. and our memories together. she was someone he discovered while we were together and he died loving her. whenever she came on the radio he would turn it up and jam out, we would jam out. i know he's up there jamming and following her around on tour <3
today was rough. one of the girls joe worked with wrote on his wall, and it made me sob. it makes me realize other people are missing him too. which makes all of this more real. it was one of those things that hits you right in the face and makes my reality more real, cause its easy for me to get caught up in not believing this. i miss him more with every beat of my heart.
i bought a new camera today. it is my goal to take more pictures. i have tons of pictures, i thought, but then when you have to go through them all you realize just how few you have. so then decided if i have a new camera, i will take more pictures. we will see how that pans out. i spent more money than joe would be pleased about on it but hey, whatever. haha :) i loaded my SD card into and ALL these pictures i totally forgot about popped up and i just started at them all and cried. they were such happy moments and they were of me and joe, when he was healthy and we were just the 2 of us doing stupid stuff. i miss my man. i miss my future. i cannot say that enough. but when i look at these photos i see what my future was supposed to be and now i have been robbed. :(
last night was grief counseling, i will blog about that later. tonight i have a migraine. and my jaw is killing me.
So most of you probably know this as a rascal song, but my joe of course found the techno remake to it. which is why this is the song of the day. he LOVES techno. loves loves loves techno. and this song is such a good representation of that. to me, this song is so perfect for how i feel. it does hurt so much not knowing what could have been. I know the song is a little different, he didn't leave me willingly but still. same concept. i miss my man and i miss my future. when i look into my future now i see darkness. no certainty. annoying.
last night we went to the reds game. it was a different feeling i had. i wanted to enjoy it but at the same time i could not let go of the fact that joe should have been there. especially when alexis made it onto the big screen and he wasn't there to see it. she met rosie red and he wasn't there to see that either. ugh. annoying. she needs her daddy and i need her daddy. he needs to be here for these things. :( missing my man.
tonight is grief group! I am excited to see the ladies there. Hopefully I can pull the positive outta it and not focus on the feelings its making me feel. :( blah.
<3 this song. I LOVEEE europe. I want to go there so badly. And Joe always told me we would go. When he came across this song, he said we would chase our love all the way to Paris. And that was the plan. Now, one day, I am going to go to Europe and I will be alone. :( That bites. but i know he will be with me. He's always with me. The other day, I looked into the mirror and I SWEAR i saw him standing behind me. CREEPY, but i loved it so much, until the steam went away and he was gone. :( it was incredible for 30 seconds.
Last night I realized I am ANGRY. I am so mad. Not at Joe I don't think, but more at the universe. I know Joe would have NEVER left me willingly. As horrible as this sounds, I couldn't even get rid of him when I wanted to. haha. he was ALWAYS there and I love him for it. Even when I thought I didn't want him there, I realize now that I did. I always wanted him there. I will continue to always want him here. But I am angry. I am angry I will never see him again. I am angry I will never hear his laugh or hear I love you again or touch his face or lay out his clothes. We will never eat at Fridays again or go to the movies or play COD together. We will never do any of this again and it PISSES me OFF. I WANT MY LIFE BACK. I WANT MY WORLD BACK. I WANT MY OTHER HALF BACK. i am bitter. is it obvious? and I am the only one who is acting like this i feel and it makes me MORE mad. why does no one care anymore?? why has the world moved on and left me in July 20th, 2011??!?
Joe LOVES this song. He loved this song before i met him. the day I added him on FB he had this video posted on FB. Corey, Joes best friend from college, made alexis a video to remember her daddy and this was the song at the beginning. Joe LOVES akon which I've already made clear. But he loves this song. and he made me listen to it numerous times. Everytime i hear it i will always think of my man.
Today is a bitter sweet day for me. Today is the kickoff of FOOTBALL SEASON! I LOVE football, but in the same sense there are so many memories tied to football. Joe LOVESSSSSSSSSSSSSS the cincinnati bengals. more than anyone i have ever met. he based every sunday around their game. we would go to BW3's and eat wings & wear our jerseys and watch the game. As much as i don't want to support this team because of the painful memories, i have decided alexis and i will wear a bengals jersey every sunday proudly in honor of daddy. I am wearing his jersey and his hoodie and she got a new bengals jersey yesterday. We are makin dada proud. I know joe is watching the game from the best seats in the house. no matter how bad they are joe will support them forever so now alexis and i will carry on the tradition!
Baby, lets do this. Here goes another season. My first season without you. what am i going to do, but i know every sunday your sitting right there with me watching those games cheering on our boys. <3 i miss you so much. I can't believe in 10 days you will have been gone for 2 whole months. BLAH. it feels like just yesterday you were here annoying me with phone calls and worries about bills. :) love you handsome man. give jack jack mommies love <3
This song reminds me of our first summer together. this song had just come out, and i probably listened to it a million times. joe had posted the lyrics on FB before i had even heard it, he was so good at that. but then again I never listened to the radio I always listened to the CDs he burned for me. but anyway. he could always cheer me up with music. he could always cheer me up period. he is incredible. anyway. this song reminds me of summer nights, cuddling in the backseat of the car or on the couch, hoodies & shorts at night, and kisses on the porch.
today i went to the cemetery. blah. i just ended up there. i had NO intentions of going there but low and behold i ended up there. the grass has begun to grow. that makes me sad in such a weird way. it means the time is passing. he has been in the ground for 6 weeks. thats SUCH a long time. whenever I'm there its so weird to think the man i love is laying under my feet and locked in a box. joe was claustrophobic and he would HATE being in that box. It makes me want to dig it up every time I'm there and just SQUEEZE him and shake him until he wakes up, like i attempted when he died. but, yeah. that clearly didn't work for me. anyway. EVERY SINGLE TIME i am at the cemetery i start with "hey baby, where are you?" and NEVER fails, he will send me this HUGE breeze outta no where to let me know he's right there. and we have a nice conversation with several breezes and lots of tears. and i always end up sitting in the grass, wet, muddy, cold, dry, never fails. i love being close to him but in the same way it makes me realize JUST how far away from me he is. and the grass is a constant reminder of the time that has passed. stupid grass.
So I follow the Widdow Chick on FB, if you don't you should. She is awesome. and she has a website that is similar to YWBB. thewiddahood.com check it. anyway, she posted a link to this article. http://www.cnn.com/2011/09/09/living/grief-children/. it really put things into perspective and now i am sobbing. I am a surviving parent. Awesome another label. Now we have single mom, young mom, widow(ish), and surviving parent. None of those are positive. Yay. I have worried about my baby since the day we found out Joe was sick. I told him he could not die because I don't know what I will do or say for my baby. She needs him. I read these stories about these children who have lost a parent and all i can think about is my sweet baby who is sleeping upstairs. That is her in 10 years. She is going to be telling a story like that. She lost her daddy and now she is being raised without her daddy here. She will never know him. Do you know what that feels like as a mother? Not only did I lose the person I love but I lost my babies father. Great. So I can mourn 2 losses instead of one. As if one wasn't enough. Ugh annoying. 1 in 7 children loose a parent before age 20. really?! that is WAYYYY too many. what am i going to tell my baby girl when she asks? everyone says i have time to figure it out, yes okay i do she's only 8 months old, but the time doesn't make it any easier. I still have to look her in her face and tell her her daddy is dead. Never coming back. She will never meet him. He is just a face in pictures and a memory at the table to her. She will never hold his hand or give him a hug or hear him tell her how much he loves her. or have him to walk her down the aisle. she will never HAVE him. she will always WANT him but she can never HAVE him. is that fair?! NO. its not fair that an 8 month old baby will never have her "dada" and she says. how can something like that be justified? oh right, it can't. the world just sucks. this life sucks. end of story. id trade it for just about anything at this point.
Here are some interesting stats:
78% say they think about their deceased spouse or partner every day.- only 78?! 91% say the death of their spouse or partner is the worst thing that has ever happened to them.- what about the other 9?! what can be worse? 77% say it's incredibly hard to know the difference between "normal" kid behavior and grief-related behavior. 78% say there aren't enough resources to help kids who have lost their parents.-i couldn't agree more.76% say they believe there are not enough resources for the surviving parents.- exactly and its so sad.
tonight i am bitter. not only for myself but for my baby. this life is SO far from fair it isn't even FUNNY. life sucks. end of story.
Joe was SO proud of himself when he found this song. He LOVES it. he says its the perfect remix to all the songs he liked in 2009. whatever he says. all that matters is our song is in there, which will be the song of the day later on. saving it :) I will ALWAYS think of joe to this song. he LOVES it and made me listen to it a MILLION times. but now, they are memories i laugh at. i can see him dancing and singing to it right now. hahahah. ugh its so hard to think he is really gone. that this is my reality. :( my reality is that i will never see that handsome face again, or feel the stubbiness of his beard if he doesn't shave, or have him ask me to look at his teeth to see if he has cavities. LOL. simple things that make me laugh & remember the man i love.
and yes, i do still love you baby. you can't get rid of me that easily. I'm missing you more and more every day. xoxo handsome.
this song is such a great song. so therefore it is todays song. Joe was not a huge country music fan, he had some, but not a lot. but this song, he really liked. I was OBSESSED with this song so I think he liked it by default. But it really describes our relationship. He is the one I've been waiting for my whole life. and we just needed some time to get adjusted to our new life with a baby and with bills and responsibilities and we would be at our dream place. and we were robbed of our time. its annoying. I want my man back. I miss my hugs and my kisses. I miss the annoying way he tickled me or poked me in my side when i was mad. I miss the arguments. We were good arguers and even better at fixing things after wards. I ALWAYS got ice cream out of a fight! every time. I miss telling him to get OUT of the bathroom, his hair looked fine. I miss picking out his clothes. Everytime I go to the store I still look at the mens clothes because I can picture him wearing a lot of it or making fun of it! lol. Saturdays were our shopping days, We would eat at Fridays, I got Sesame Jack Chicken and he got the Sicilian Chicken Sand, extra brushetta on the side. coke to drink. maybe dessert. Predictable much? haha. then we would go shopping. Most of the time it was for the baby, but there was always something in it for us. He would get excited over the smallest things, like groceries. or deodorant.
my birthday is in 9 days. I always told Joe how many days till my birthday and he would say, "yes babe i know" and i would say "just checking" then ON my birthday at 12:00 am he would say "BABE ITS YOUR BIRTHDAY" all day of my birthday i would remind him too, so I am going to remind you on here baby. My birthday is in 9 days! :) i wish you were here for it. Its just not the same. Its a big birthday and your not here. You won't be here, for any of them ever again. and thats frustrating me. I keep thinking your just doing something like at work or at the movies or at a meeting or something and I will talk to you soon, but I know your not. And i think i only do this so I don't loose my sanity. Cause I'm close. teetering on the edge of sane and insane. I miss you baby tiger. Bengals season is on, are you ready?! I'm wearing your shirt & hoodie every game. Maybe you can give them a little boost from up there, cause I know your not missing a single game. don't forget me cause your all i think about.
oh, and STOP hitting me in the head with CDS when i drive. They don't need to fall from the visor EVERY time i get in the car. I know your still there & they are still yours. No worries sweetie.
& i love you more with every breath. the words could never describe how much i miss you angel face.
xoxo sweetie.
okay, back on track. today is day 7. today i pick..
Git Fresh- Close
this song, this is the very first song i ever got lyrics too. now, lyrics were a HUGE part of our relationship, they were part of who Joe was. so this was a huge step when i got my first set of lyrics. He would send me these lyrics when he was away at college. it talks about doing anything to have you close, on the phone just isn't enough. and i love it. because right now i really do feel like i would do anything to have him close. but i would take him on the phone than not at all. so this song will always have a special place in my heart. <3
i bought a brand-new MacBook! YAYYY. i have ALWAYS wanted a mac and joe wouldn't ever buy me one. he was NOT an apple supporter, but hey he will get over it ;) isn't that right baby? lol. and honestly, it was a move of self pity, i felt i deserved a new computer. that was the least i deserved if i had to deal with all of this. such a pathetic move right? oh well. lol. sorry baby, but you will get over it just like you would have if you were here. :p love you.
went to the dr this morning. huge step. he diagnosed me with a bunch of crap but whatever. all i wanted was the referral to seek counseling. he says i may be suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. which he says is normal since watching the person you love die is traumatic. but anyway. he also said i had anxiety and a touch of beginning depression. he gave me some meds which I'm okay with, i just don't plan on staying on them long. but. whatever.
baby, i love you & i think about you every day all day. i just miss you so much. i wish you were here with me. i need my man around to tell me things are going to be okay. so you know, you can tell me it will be okay anytime you want. id love to hear/feel you reassuring me. <3 xoxo.
so i know this is day 7 but the apple store had my computer last night over night so today is a 2 post day.
Akon- Beautiful
this song reminds me a lot of joe, in many ways. first way, he LOVES akon like more than anything/anyone. second,this joe reminds me of my senior prom. no, my boyfriend did NOT take me to my prom, how insane right? no not really. i made a pact with some of my girls that we were all going dateless and we would have "after prom" at my house. lol. well, he got lots of pictures that night and he kept sending me the lyrics to this song all night. and ever since then, if we would get dressed up to go somewhere i would hear the lyrics to this song. once we were out at a bar ( i know i know) and he starts singing this song to me. yes he was a little, okay a lot wasted but it was adorable and i knew he meant it! :)
i love you boo. you are the only person who will ever think I'm beautiful the way you did. even in sweats and no makeup. :) i miss you.
so this song has NO joe memory, but i came across it on the YWBB where i live now, haha, anyway. This song describes exactly how i feel most days. "without you here with me i dont know what to do, id give anything just to talk to you" exactly how i feel. there is a lyric about calling your phone but i know your not there & i call joes phone ALL the time. just recently the service was disconnected and i cry everytime i get that message. he ALWAYS had his phone and answered everytime i called with a "hi baby!" or "hi GF!" i can hear it right now in my head. i just want to talk to him & him talk back. i miss the way his voice sounds. i miss hearing i love you. at this point, id take an argument. anything. as long as i got to hear his voice. :(
i hope you all had an awesome holiday! mine sucked and i worked today, but i enjoy going to work sometimes honestly. if im at work im not at home crying or sitting where we used to sit or staring at all my memories. so work is good. tomorrow is my day off! dont get me wrong i do LOVE my days off but i also love going to work
my birthday is in 12 days. do i care? nope. do i want to celebrate? nope. but joe has some awesome friends who are going to help me celebrate and i couldnt think of better people to spend it with. i honestly hate my birthday and major holidays now. lets just skip them. but yeah.
today is a 2 post kinda day and its only 1130 am. blah. today here in cincinnati the WEBN labor day fireworks are taking place. and this is the reason I HATE labor day weekend. Before I met Joe, i had NEVER heard of this so called huge event. zero interest honestly. So, the first year we were together, he is SO excited about this he drags me down there. i was not super excited about it but i went. he loved it. we went to the newport side of the river and we went to the aquarium( joe and i went there ALOT, why idk it never changes, but we did.) we ate at this mexican restaurant down there, saw a movie, then walked the river bank until the fireworks. Now, this was an ALL day event for him. we got down there about 1230 and the fireworks were not until 9pm. It really was something special though. Im glad he drug me there. The show is incredible and i got to spend a whole day showing my man off downtown ;) love making people jealous. So last year we went again, now I was super pregnant last year. so I did not make it all day. we got to spend the day down there, he made me sit through at 3 hr movie UGH then he took me to cheesecake factory and we went home to our baby kitten at the time and watching them while laying on the couch :) it was still the perfect day.
our very first fireworks <3
so today, i am not going anywhere near downtown. i am avoiding the whole day. if i didnt have a 7 month old, i would be in bed all day cause i hate this occasion. but later today we are going to go visit Gaga and Pops which is always a great time :) especially since Aunt Kim & the kids are in town! love being around people who understand my pain and appreciate my love for joe.
i was jamming to this song in my car yesterday. it reminds me of joe because our love was like woe. and he would always tell me that. plus this is the EXACT type of music joe loved to listen to. as we would say, its a joe song. haha. joe loved music and he had his own special taste which he then passed on to me and i hope to pass on to alexis. you can learn alot about a person through their music taste. and honestly. i was so annoyed with all the music all the time. every day it was "babe you HAVE to listen to this new song" and i would groan and moan and cry about it, but he was SO excited about it and would get so upset if i didnt like it. so i always pretended i did, even if i didnt! :) love you babyyy. haha. for the rest of my life i will always be searching for music like he taught me how, and i will constantly look for joe songs. it now makes me just as excited as he was. :)
i love you baby. & i miss you more with every breath.
another akon song. there will be ALOT of akon. joe LOVES akon. but anywayyy. this song is SO appropriate. "i wish i could keep you much longer" is an understatement. Joe and I started dating when he was up at BGSU and I was still down here in high school. He would come home on long weekends, breaks, and summer obviously. He would always play this song or send me the lyrics to it and I would send them right back when he was getting ready to go back to school. Now, id give anything for him to just be 3 hrs away at BGSU but at the time it seemed like torture. I miss him so much.
God, this is TORTURE. there was and never will be love like what i had for Joe. I know everyone loves differently and no 2 relationships are the same. but him and i, we fit together like a puzzle. I am an impulsive spender. I spend so much money its not even funny, on crap I do NOT need, and Joe is the exact opposite. He was always keeping me in check. I was NOT a party girl before Joe met me. I was all business all the time. School work School work. and he taught me to enjoy a good party and its okay to relax. I have NO humor and joe was honestly the funniest man i will ever meet. he could always make me laugh. Joe had anxiety. the worst case ive ever seen. and he would tell you and so will his family, I was the ONLY person that could calm him down and bring him back to normal. He would panic about everything and he would tell you he just needed to talk it out with me. He loved to talk things out and I didnt but he taught me too. Joe taught me so much. There will never be another person who can balance me like he does.
i miss you boo. you better be waiting for me. xoxo. love you to the moon and back <3
todays is super late but i had some running to do tonight. so lets see. im going to go with
Sean Kingston- Wrap you around me
this song is really appropriate for now because all i want is to feel him wrapped around me. cause it is all too much. but anyway. Joe would sing this to me or send me the lyrics in a text when i was having a rough time with my friends or my family. and it reminded me that no matter what, i always had me & him. and that was my sanity and my home. He would never leave me and would always be there. and even now that hes gone, he is still there. when i am having a huge meltdown, which happens daily, i can feel him holding me and it makes me relax a little. id give anything to feel those big arms wrapped around me one more time. i remember one day right after alexis was born and i was an emotional mess and i just felt i couldnt do it. we were standing in the kitchen and i had my head buried in his chest crying and he wrapped his arms around me so tight and starting singing this song. followed by some other songs that will come in the days ahead. Joe always sang to me. He is a terrible singer, but id give anything to hear him sing one more time. No, id give anything to hear him say or do anything one more time.
went to the cemetery today, i need to stop going there. it just makes me sad. i dont want to visit my man in a cemetery. he should be in our apt playing video games, watching ghost adventures, or playing with the cat or alexis. not in the ground watching from up above.
this song is so important to me. it wasnt exactly "our song" but it was close enough, that song will come in a couple days. if you know joe, you know he LOVES akon! Joe sang this song to me on our FIRST date. We were sitting in his car, in the rain, in the blockbuster parking lot and he starts singing this song. Our very very very first date. I was looking at him like he was INSANE. then he looks at me and says, "Kayla, I am going to be with you forever." I said uhhh?! and he just smiled and kept singing. that was the first time i had ever heard that song. then he would sing it all the time and he loved the line that says "your considered wifey and im considered husband" i was always his wifey and he was always my husband. he also thought it was the perfect song because people would always tell us that he shouldnt be with me because there is 3.5 years between us but that never stopped him. nothing stopped my man. so i love this song and i love my joe.
i miss you baby. "i dont care what they say, im going to be with you."
