june

i have 3 more days until the month I'm dreading begins.

the beginning of the end. 

the start of the month where it all ended. 

my man, 

the man i love, my whole world.

got sick. 

and life as we knew it ended.

june 18th. fathers day. he went to the er after almost passing out walking to the car.

and they never let him go.

i never saw his handsome face in anything but a hospital gown.

and with lots of wires and tubes. 

his smile was rare 

and his happiness was diminishing.

he knew he was dying.

they say that people know when they are dying.

and i feel like he did.

he was so... unattached. 

when he would look at you, he looked past you. like there was always someone or something standing behind you.

it was heart breaking.

those months are memories that will never fade. 

i remember my schedule.

go to work.

go home. 

check on alexis.

change clothes.

find a sitter.

go to the hospital.

sit with him for hours.

go home and take care of alexis. 

try to sleep but always on edge waiting for that call.

waiting for someone to tell me something had happened.

in just a few weeks i will be unable to say "this time last year" 

it will be "this time 2 years ago."

or "this time last year i was missing him more than i could ever imagine"

the anxiety is high.

the sadness is higher.

I'm just missing him.

end of story. 

i just want things to be normal again.

im scared.

of life without him.

of being alone forever.

of alexis and her questions.

of her grief when she finally realizes what happened.

ugh.

june, I'm scared of you.

july, I'm even more scared of you. 

joe, its almost been a year since i looked into the handsome brown eyes. its almost been 365 days since I've held you in my arms. i keep thinking this is going to go away, but it never does. every morning i wake up alone. to no text, phone call, email, anything from you. i drive past our apt complex and know that you are not there. i miss the sound of your laugh and the way it was contagious. they way you called me girlfriend. how everywhere we went you had your phone out showing people pictures of alexis or you and i. i miss that. i miss the pure happiness we felt. i know we fought. a lot. things were far from perfect. and towards the end i really didn't think things were going to work. you made me so mad. all we did was fight. i regret a lot of our final conversations. if i knew they were our final conversations they would have went differently. not that that changes things. i knew i loved you. we were just having a hard time. things were rough. we both knew that. but in the end, i was by your side and i loved you. and you loved me. and we both loved alexis. things shouldn't be this way. i know they are for a reason and you will always be with me. i just sometimes wish i had that physical reminder. i miss you. i love you. i hope your being nice to your mommy and my jack jack.

xoxox. love you angel baby. 

what to do now.

so, the past week has been epic.

epic fail that is.

allllll kinds of craziness went down and things are drastically different.

so I'm going to try to vent about it without name dropping because some people do read this 

and i don't need them to start more nonsense. 

so

there is this person that came into my life about 4 months ago.

this person changed my life drastically. 

( I'm trying to be non gender specific too. )

at first, this person annoyed me.

like beyond irritation.

i told them off several times and refused to let them help me.

but then i stopped.

and I'm so glad i did.

this person became like a best friend i didn't know i needed.

they were there to talk me through some of the darkest nights I've experienced on this road. 

and i will never be able to thank them enough for that.

they were a life saver.

and now they are gone.

another thing. another person. gone.

something i needed.

daily.

not a moment has gone by that i haven't thought about this situation.

i cry so much over it. and id give anything for things to be different.

a lot of stupid drama shit went down

and now well, 

idk what is going to happen.

I'm going with this whole everything happens for a reason it will all play out theory

but it sucks.

i just want to text them.

i want them to tell me its all okay like they used too.

talk me through the darkness yet again.

big dates are approaching.

and i don't have that person in my life.

im scared.

again.

and i just want my best friend back. 

all i can do is pray it all gets worked out.

please.

if the universe cares at all,

give me my person back. 

attachment

being a 'widow' has caused me to be seriously screwed up.

i have serious attachment issues.

its one extreme or the other.

i either can't get attached.

or i am overly attached.

and both have caused me serious issues lately. 

i have attempted this dating nonsense.

and now I'm wishing i wouldn't have.

it is a MESS.

guys you just meet do NOT want you to get attached instantly.

but having suffered loss and losing the one you love sometimes its hard to not want to take and grab the first thing that feels good.

but then other times,

i hide behind my grief and let things go that who knows what they could have been like. 

bottom line?

im messssssed up.

i don't know what i want.

and i need to get my head on straight.

not everyone is accepting of my crazy.

strangers don't know what I've been through and they just think I'm insane.

its been a long week.

another failed attempt at a relationship.

that got WAY too outta hand.

i may be crazy, but my family is crazier and they will ALWAYS come to my defense.

and he learned that the hard way.

not my problem.

dont screw with the wrong people.

dont blame me for your mistakes asshole.

so last night i had an awesome date with jack daniels. he was a great companion. so now I'm laying in bed.

crying.

for joe.

for stupid assholes.

for no reason but simply that i can. 

and listening to joes techno music. 

<3

i love you so much. i miss you on a level that i can't comprehend. i know your watching over me. thats why i haven't had EPIC meltdown about this whole situation. when i should. i should freak the hell out. i am laying here. listening to your bass hunter music. smiling because honestly, its not that great. but you loved it. more than any other music. bass hunter is your thing. haha. i miss you. i miss us. i miss life being simple and not insane and getting more and more insane every time i wake up. but. i made it through the greatest loss ever. i don't think this will even compare to that. so, I'm going to go shopping today. and spend money i shouldn't. and pretend I'm not dealing with this bullshit. you are shaking your head at me right now i can see it. and you are saying " babe i don't think thats a good choice." but guess what boo? I'm doing it anyway. :p i love you angel face. be good. xoxox. 

please please please

make this week go away.

it has been a week from hell.

no other words to describe it.

get me out of here.

fix it.

make it stop.

i can't take one more thing tonight. 

:( 

50 shades

thats right,

I'm addicted.

I'm reading the 50 shades series.

its the best book I've ever read.

i cannot put it down.

it is so steamy.

so out there.

so incredible.

i get lost in it for hours every night.

there is something about christian grey that is just... YUM.

mmmm.

if you have not read it i will HIGHLY recommend it.

it is the escape i need everyday.

currently i am struggling with the classic

"I've been lied to, I've been lead on. Do i move on or do I wait it out?"

smart girl? move on.

me? waiting it out because i swear he's different.

HA.

probs not.

but whatever.

some days i just wish my joe was here so i didn't have to deal with this dating nonsense anymore.

selfish. i know.

over it.

back to my world of 50 shades. 

<3 

mothers day

first, happy mothers day to my mom, my second mom, and my MIL.

also to all my fellow mom bloggers & my dear SIL.

so today.

sucked. 

i was abnormally weepy and upset.

i realized today for the first time in a weeks how much i miss my joe

i miss the way he looked at me.

and the way he said my name,

and the way he bought me things i didn't need.

the way he loved me.

it was so special.

and now thats gone.

and I'm missing him.

all of him.

i wanted to spend my mothers day with the man who made me a mother.

but instead.

i spent it with my baby, who i love more than anything.

but there is part of our family missing.

and i often feel that void.

when I'm at a restaurant or in a store and i see a family of a mom, dad, and kid(s)

our family is very...

incomplete.

and i miss that.

we never really got that chance.

the chance to be that cute family.

my memories of him me and her are short.

she was only 4 months old when he got sick.

and our relationship was on the rocks so badly when that happened

that the memories are slim.

and i regret it.

so simply put? 

i am missing him today.

just like all days.

but especially today. 

he gave me the gift of being a mother.

and i can't thank him for that.

thats a tough thing to accept.

i don't think i ever told him thank you for giving me alexis.

no, this life as a mother hasn't been easy.

im tired, broke, emotionally and physically drained

but in the end.

when she says mommy (which is all day everyday)

it makes all of it worth it.

the tears. the dark circles. the irritation.

and its him i have to thank for that.

my daughter was strong for me and she didn't even know it.

she carried me through the darkest parts of my life and she had no idea she was doing it. 

my daughter was a gift from God and from Joe because without her, I would not have made it through this day.

or any other day for the last 10 months.

im forever grateful to him for what he gave me without even knowing it.

baby, I'm missing you. and you know that. i know you were right there with me today when i was absolutely beside myself. and i know you would be here if you could. i hope you know how grateful i am to you for all you have given me. all you have blessed me with. our princess is what carries me through the day and she has no idea and you probably don't either. but just know, if it wasn't for her smile and her sweet voice saying mama and knowing your standing right behind me in every choice i make holding me up, i wouldn't be here right now. i am a mess tonight. and i am wishing you were here to hold me and comb my hair until i fell asleep to make it okay. i miss you more than i have words for and i can't believe its almost been 10 months since I've looked into those brown eyes and heard that crazy laugh of yours. i can't believe I'm still alive after 10 months. i never dreamed i could manage life without you. but here i am. as strong as ever. pushing through. and it you i have to thank. i love you whole heartedly sweet angel. i will never stop loving you. <3 xoxxoxo. be nice to your mommy today. 

...isolation...

so I've been MIA

from life in general.

my head:

is a mess.

my life:

is a mess.

but I'm coming around.

I've done this whole like isolation thing.

feel sorry for me kinda thing.

yuck.

no one likes that.

truth is?

i miss joe.

i miss him so much.

and May is here.

which means June is not far away.

and June is the beginning of the end.

and i don't think I'm ready for that.

it has NOT been a year.

it is NOT true that it has ALMOST been 365 days since I've looked into those perfect brown eyes.

it has NOT been almost 365 days since I've heard i love you come from those lips i kissed everyday.

i REFUSE to accept that.

healthy?

nope.

do i care?

nope.

i miss my boyfriend.

and I'm allowed to.

so i have isolated myself while i think about all this nonsense.

but I'm done with the isolation i think.

im willing to admit again that i am grieving.

that i miss the man i love.

that no one will ever take his place in my life.

yes, i am still dating.

and yes i am still happy seeing other people.

but comparing people to him

and expecting them to act just like him?

not going to fly anymore.

I've already sent one person running because of that.

lets not make it a trend kayla.

cause then you really will be alone forever.

anyway.

heres to no more isolation.

facing the months to come head on.

and surviving to blog about it.

need to grieve.

i have 100% put my grief on the back burner.

and its caused me to become a crazy monster.

i have lost my mind.

i have been so focused on school, work, boys, my arm, my kid, my friends

that i have put my grief on the b a c k burner.

and not grieving has made me INSANE.

i have been so quick to snap and lose my mind.

i have been on the verge of tears over stupid nonsense for 4 days.

i need to grieve.

so last night/today

i lost it.

i came back to earth.

and I'm ready to be my "normal" again.

i am tired of losing my mind everyday (more than usual)

im tired of feeling like if my child or one of my students make one move i will snap.

im tired of being annoyed with my family/friends.

im tired of feeling like every L I T T L E thing a guy does is a DIRECT indication of how he feels.

(news flash; guys don't work like that. who knew?)

but anyway.

I'm ready to go back to the girl i was a month and a half ago.

a grieving but happy stable girl who enjoyed life.

don't take life so seriously, no one ever gets out alive. 

right? 

right.

help me relax. let the tears flow when needed so i don't get like this ever ever ever again.

i just want to have fun. i just want to enjoy life. i just want to be me. 

xoxo missing you love.