the unexpected.

its been a longggg couple days.

vacation was a bust.

it rained EVERYDAY.

e v e r y d a y.

annoying.

come home to my job.

lets talk about that.

i love what i do more than anyone you will meet. 

there is something about children learning that makes me glow from the inside out.

but where i work.

i just am not agreeing 100% with their choices.

earth tones in a school?!

no no no

n o

but i have to do as i am asked no matter how much i hate it.

and if you know me,

you know that doesnt go over well with me.

but im going to do it.

and complain about it a lot.

gr.

still dealing with the drama.

its a part of life i guess.

but i am hoping there is a light at the end of this tunnel. 

i got a very unexpected message this morning.

from someone who SHOULD want to hate me.

but instead, they are one of the nicest people i have yet to meet.

but it flipped my morning around and made it better.

to know a complete stranger who i do NOT have the greatest past with,

was willing to go outta their way in their VERY busy schedule to tell me 

things will get better.

i DO deserve the very best.

and to not stop until i get it.

she has no idea what she did for me this morning with a few simple messages.

sometimes you just need that.

& i cant wait to see where that goes and what that holds.

sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.

i am a strong believer in that statement. 

so here is to things getting better.

finding strength in the dark times.

building healthy, unexpected relationships.

and becoming the woman i want and deserve to be.

<3

vacation?

im on vacation at the beach.

it is wonderful.

kinda.

okay not really.

it rains alot here.

traveling with a 2 year old is challenging.

i miss my friends.

but of course.

there is drama.

i left my job on a bad note on friday.

im not happy with some changes coming into play.

and im being a baby about it.

but im a strong believer in sticking up for what you believe in. 

and im stubborn.

and dont want to change my classroom.

i dont like change.

i also dont like things going down when i am not home. 

i hate feeling like people are angry or upset with me when i am out of state and cant do anything about it.

i hate miscommunication.

i hate things being my fault.

i hate having to admit i was wrong.

but i also hate being the topic of conversation 

behind my back. 

but in their defense.

i should have been upfront and honest from the get go.

idk.

i need to not make so many drunk choices i guess.

lesson learned.

life as an adult i guess.

i miss...

ive come to terms.

i miss being in a relationship.

i miss feeling wanted, needed, desired, loved.

i miss the cuddling on the couch.

the date nights.

the cute text messages. i miss it.

dont get me wrong.

i still miss joe more than anything.

and would give anything to take all this nonsense back.

but since i am starting to come to terms that this is my reality,

i am able to admit that i miss it. 

but the kicker is,

i wont just be with anyone.

i REFUSE to be with just anyone.

i will NOT settle for less than what i want.

i have dated my handful of guys since march when i started dating again.

majority have been nightmares.

there is one that i think will always have my attention but,

he isnt ready for what i want. and no matter how much i like him and see myself with him,

i wont settle.

i wont change my standards.

for anyone.

i know what i deserve.

i know what i want.

i know what i need.

and thats what i will have.

until then,

i will watch sappy movies.

miss joe.

miss what we had.

and dream of a better day.

leaving friday for a week at the beach.

never needed a vacation this badly.

also considering dying my hair.

which is hard.

my hair has been the same color/style for 3+ years.

the last time joe saw me my hair was blonde.

and now i want to go a dark brunette. 

little things that become big choices.

school year starts in 1 week.

eek. 

time to get my classroom ready! 

pictures.

harsh realization tonight.

the pictures i have of joe, joe & alexis, joe & i, our family...

these are the ONLY pictures i will ever have.

i will NEVER see a NEW picture of him. of us. of them.

& tonight i realize this is NOT okay with me.

i miss him.

i miss his handsome face. i miss seeing his smile. his brown eyes looking at me. 

its so hard to think about these things.

would he look older?

would he look better?

would he look different?

what kinda pictures would we have? 

what kinda life would we be living?

would we have bought a house yet?

would we be more in love than we were the last time i saw him?

coulda, woulda, SHOULDA 

these thoughts will kill you if you let them,

bottom line is:

this life isnt getting any better, different, or easier.

this life ISNT for me.

this life ISNT fair.

but this is MY life.

and i will move forward.

i just want some new damn pictures!

baby, i miss you. i just wanna see your face. hear your voice, take your picture. i can barely see this screen through my tears. tonight i just plain miss you. i want you back. i want us back. i want the pain of you and all the horrible guys ive dated since you to go away. i just want someone to treat me like the princess you did. i just want YOU to be here to treat me like a princess again. and i promise id be just as good to you in return. i still love you with every beat of my heart. and i miss you more with every minute that your absence is present. i hope your being good and watching over us.

i love you angel. <3 xoxox

forever & ever. 

be good. 

long time

its been a long time since ive blogged.

AH.

not okay. 

i have to get better about blogging. 

maybe thats why i feel like im losing my mind! 

things have been okay. 

not bad.

but not good either.

im slowly getting there.

but there is just always something that comes up.

my brain is still running 900000 mi a min every min of the day.

i miss joe.

everyday.

i have work stress about the school year starting again.

alexis is a handful as always.

there is always friend drama.

and life wouldnt be complete without boy drama.

oh and i start school very soon.

its just a hectic time i guess.

im confused.

about life in general.

i need to decide what i want.

better yet, i need to decide what i DESERVE.

make smarter choices and stop acting on impulse.

stop letting little things get to me.

see the bigger picture.

be the woman that joe would be proud of 

and stop half assing life in general.

get it together pretty girl. 

you only get one chance at this life.

do it right.

live without regret.

<3