my love-
tomorrow starts a new year. another year. a year you won't be here for. a year without you. 2011 has by far been the worst year yet to come. although we were blessed with our princess, i also spent my last 6 months ever with you and i didn't even know it. so now, I'm entering 2012 alone. without you. just me and alexis. and i don't know how i feel about that. i am so anxious to hopefully move on a little, and make it through more than 1 day consecutively without sobbing and missing you so much i can't breathe. i am hoping to see the positives and less of the negative. i am hoping to learn to cherish the memories we have and not dwell on the month of july. i am hoping to become a stronger woman and a better mom. i am hoping to be able to have a great day, and come home and thank you for it and not cry because i miss you. i will always miss you joe. but in 2012 i hope to be able to take that longing and change it. make it less of a burden and more of just a reminder. i want to remember you every day of 2012 but i don't want to be sad. i know you don't want me to be sad. i want to enjoy the sun again. and remember how much fun we had and live out the future we had planned. your still with me. your just my guardian angel i get to take everywhere. i want to be more positive. that is a goal that we had always planned for each other. to be more positive. & i know with some self discipline and some help from you & God i can do it. i can become the woman & mom i have always wanted to be. although i am so afraid of starting a year without you. a year that you will not be apart of. the first of many years i won't have memories with you, i have to do it because in 12 hours that year is coming, if I'm ready or not. so i might as well embrace it rather than start ANOTHER year hating my life. so here, lets make a list of the things i want to do and i want you to help me with :) were all about lists baby ;)
1. be less afraid. being afraid has caused me to miss out on so much in the last 5 months. its going to happen if I'm afraid or not, so be less afraid.
2. make it 2 whole days without crying. i know its not something i can control. but I'm hoping through these other goals i can make it to that point.
3. let myself be happy. let myself enjoy the sun. and life with alexis. i have spent so much time lately being sad and not wanting to be happy because it felt 'wrong' but you want me to be happy.
4. remember the good times and not just the month of july.
5. feel your presence more. cause i know your with me everyday.
6. spend more time in prayer. God is the only thing thats going to make this any easier.
7. spend more time at the cemetery. i want to make the time to be close to you because i know you make the time to be with me everyday.
8. make sure alexis knows all about you. were already working towards it and she does know you but with her getting older, over the next 12 months i want her to KNOW you. so i may need help from our friends and family on this one.
9. spend less money. i have been spending so much money to try and fill the void in my chest that was left by you, but its not working and I'm broke. you would be so mad. lol ;)
10. change my relationship status on Facebook. although we will never be apart, its something we both know has to be done and i am hoping in 2012 i will have the strength to do so.
11. stop comparing everyone i meet to you. no one will ever be my joe, but there are people out there who are just as fantastic as you are and i never give them the credit they deserve.
12. be closer with your family. we are already close, but i want to feel like part of the family. we will see.
13. be more open about my grief. i seem to keep it in a closet sometimes and pretend I'm okay when I'm not.
14. get my tattoo.
15. start my book. i WILL write a book and i want to get started on it now.
16. help someone this may be the most important one. i want to give someone the help i received from Tameka, Ms Karen, Ms Kathy, and our family. my life wouldn't be where it is unless i had them and I want to give someone the help I received.
17. spend more time one on one with alexis. she's getting too big too fast.
18. scrapbook. i want to finish our scrapbook and start alexis'
19. blog more often. i am a horrible blogger and i need to be more consistent. i also need to blog about being happy and not just being sad.
20. move out and stand on my own 2 feet.
21. sell the car. this will be so hard, but its something we have talked about and it has to happen. the 2 door sports car isn't for a mommy anymore. :(
21 things. 21 things I'm going to need your help with completing. but i know me you and the man upstairs can make this happen :) I'm trusting you.
I'm missing you more and more and thats not something that will change in 2012. it might just increase. 2012 is a big year for us. alexis turns 1, i turn 21. i have to make it through 6,9, and 12 months marker of being without you, your birthday, our anniversary, and everything else that will come. but knowing your right next to me the whole way is the only thing making it possible.
so heres to 2012 baby. i may never get to see you in this new year, but i have you with me everyday and i have a mini you running around my house. just never leave me. thats your job for 2012. never ever ever let go.
loving you more and more each day.
<3
kayla.
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
2011.
with 2011 coming to an end, I'm feeling very anxious about it.
2011 was a huge year for me. good and bad.
in 2011 i was blessed with the most important thing in my world, Alexis Grace Rose on January 10th at 7:44pm. she changed my world in so many ways. she brought me to a better place with my parents, my job, my relationship with joe and myself. i was forced to grow up and stop depending on everyone else. it also fixed a relationship that was struggling. we were still in love but we were struggling on an epic level. life living on our own was rough and we were working so much we were blind to our love and just emotionally and physically exhausted. alexis changed the perspective on things and i fell in love with joe as a man, father, and boyfriend all over again. she is the gift that keeps on giving, and without her i don't know where i would be right now. probably in a darker place than i already am.
in april joe and i finally talked about really settling down. marriage was discussed for the first time on a serious level and i was ready to grow up and face that life. i wanted(and still want) to be a mom, wife, and have a family life. for the first time in my life i was ready to accept the grown up life and i was excited for it. the words like marriage, wedding, wife, house, family didn't scare me anymore, they were what i wanted.
thats when life threw me a curveball.
end of may, june. joe gets sick. no big deal. we can handle this. its just pneumonia. yeah right. pneumonia thats 2 months old that we can't get rid of. the doctors are still hopeful in june and things are still going to be okay. joe and i are still making it work and still madly in love, just being in love at bethesda north hospital.
july. the month that ended my world. july 4th 5:13 am. Joe goes under to have the ventilator placed in his lungs. Joe is supposed to be asleep for 10 days. Joe ends up being asleep for 15 days only to wake up in a daze. he is put in this INSANE rotation bed that flips him all over and the drs swear he's going to be okay. July 16th, 17th 18th, 19th, 20th 21st Joe is doing AWESOME. making awesome improvements and looking like he's going to heal. July 21st. starts out like a normal thursday. i spend the morning with him and he is okay. he tells me he loves me. holds my hand. smiles at me. tells me he wants to go home. i look into those brown eyes for the very last time and i didn't even know it. 330 i get a call at work and by the time i get to the ICU things are too far beyond i could have ever imagined. 1032 pm i laid in bed with the love of my life as he took his last breath. The sound that my world revolved around stopped and from that moment on my world has not been the same. So Wednesday the 27th I dressed the man i love in his finest black on black suit and a bright red tie and i laid him to rest. I hugged all our family and friends as they all came to say goodbye to the man we all loved. July 28th i closed the lid on the box that held my whole world and put it in the ground. a day i will never forget. a day that plays in my head just as much as the day i said goodbye. i have never felt a pain like the pain the month of july 2011 brought to my life. and i continue to feel it on a much smaller level every day. lets just say july was a rough month.
august didn't get any easier. august i struggled to adjust to my life on my own and find myself all over again. it wasn't easy. i spent a lot of august in my bed crying for the things i had lost.
september. happy 20th birthday to me. joes friends took awesome care of me and well, got me really really wasted. illegal? yep. very needed? absolutely. for one night i couldn't feel the pain and everything was okay. i could breathe. it was all fake but i could breath for 24 hours.
october, november. the holidays are beginning and i am alone. not a good feeling. hello anxiety once again.
december. merry christmas..alone. merry 1st christmas baby girl. no daddy here to celebrate. such a bittersweet day. and now were here. December 28th. and I am reflecting on the year I've faced.
im not ready to let 2011 go but at the same time its all i want to do. i want to put this AWFUL experience behind me. but in reality it will never go away. but i don't want it to be 2012 because at no point in 2012 will i have joe. at least for 6 months 21 days of 2011 i had the man i love. 2012 brings lots of things I'm not ready for. our baby is turning 1. i have to face 6, 9, and 12 months without him. another set of holidays alone. and another year wishing he was here. its not okay. so lets go back to january 2011 and pause time. cause i know i will be a lot more appreciative of the life i had at that point. i would do so many things different and i could have 6 months 21 more days with my best friend.
so 2011, im not sure how i feel about you leaving. you have been filled with such happy moments as well as some of the hardest most heartbreaking things i will ever go through. but no matter how i feel, in 3 days you will be gone and i will be forced to face 2012..
alone.
2011 was a huge year for me. good and bad.
in 2011 i was blessed with the most important thing in my world, Alexis Grace Rose on January 10th at 7:44pm. she changed my world in so many ways. she brought me to a better place with my parents, my job, my relationship with joe and myself. i was forced to grow up and stop depending on everyone else. it also fixed a relationship that was struggling. we were still in love but we were struggling on an epic level. life living on our own was rough and we were working so much we were blind to our love and just emotionally and physically exhausted. alexis changed the perspective on things and i fell in love with joe as a man, father, and boyfriend all over again. she is the gift that keeps on giving, and without her i don't know where i would be right now. probably in a darker place than i already am.
in april joe and i finally talked about really settling down. marriage was discussed for the first time on a serious level and i was ready to grow up and face that life. i wanted(and still want) to be a mom, wife, and have a family life. for the first time in my life i was ready to accept the grown up life and i was excited for it. the words like marriage, wedding, wife, house, family didn't scare me anymore, they were what i wanted.
thats when life threw me a curveball.
end of may, june. joe gets sick. no big deal. we can handle this. its just pneumonia. yeah right. pneumonia thats 2 months old that we can't get rid of. the doctors are still hopeful in june and things are still going to be okay. joe and i are still making it work and still madly in love, just being in love at bethesda north hospital.
july. the month that ended my world. july 4th 5:13 am. Joe goes under to have the ventilator placed in his lungs. Joe is supposed to be asleep for 10 days. Joe ends up being asleep for 15 days only to wake up in a daze. he is put in this INSANE rotation bed that flips him all over and the drs swear he's going to be okay. July 16th, 17th 18th, 19th, 20th 21st Joe is doing AWESOME. making awesome improvements and looking like he's going to heal. July 21st. starts out like a normal thursday. i spend the morning with him and he is okay. he tells me he loves me. holds my hand. smiles at me. tells me he wants to go home. i look into those brown eyes for the very last time and i didn't even know it. 330 i get a call at work and by the time i get to the ICU things are too far beyond i could have ever imagined. 1032 pm i laid in bed with the love of my life as he took his last breath. The sound that my world revolved around stopped and from that moment on my world has not been the same. So Wednesday the 27th I dressed the man i love in his finest black on black suit and a bright red tie and i laid him to rest. I hugged all our family and friends as they all came to say goodbye to the man we all loved. July 28th i closed the lid on the box that held my whole world and put it in the ground. a day i will never forget. a day that plays in my head just as much as the day i said goodbye. i have never felt a pain like the pain the month of july 2011 brought to my life. and i continue to feel it on a much smaller level every day. lets just say july was a rough month.
august didn't get any easier. august i struggled to adjust to my life on my own and find myself all over again. it wasn't easy. i spent a lot of august in my bed crying for the things i had lost.
september. happy 20th birthday to me. joes friends took awesome care of me and well, got me really really wasted. illegal? yep. very needed? absolutely. for one night i couldn't feel the pain and everything was okay. i could breathe. it was all fake but i could breath for 24 hours.
october, november. the holidays are beginning and i am alone. not a good feeling. hello anxiety once again.
december. merry christmas..alone. merry 1st christmas baby girl. no daddy here to celebrate. such a bittersweet day. and now were here. December 28th. and I am reflecting on the year I've faced.
im not ready to let 2011 go but at the same time its all i want to do. i want to put this AWFUL experience behind me. but in reality it will never go away. but i don't want it to be 2012 because at no point in 2012 will i have joe. at least for 6 months 21 days of 2011 i had the man i love. 2012 brings lots of things I'm not ready for. our baby is turning 1. i have to face 6, 9, and 12 months without him. another set of holidays alone. and another year wishing he was here. its not okay. so lets go back to january 2011 and pause time. cause i know i will be a lot more appreciative of the life i had at that point. i would do so many things different and i could have 6 months 21 more days with my best friend.
so 2011, im not sure how i feel about you leaving. you have been filled with such happy moments as well as some of the hardest most heartbreaking things i will ever go through. but no matter how i feel, in 3 days you will be gone and i will be forced to face 2012..
alone.
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
dear joe
the holidays have brought about such mixed emotions.
i made it through christmas with minimal tears. okay lie. lots of tears. but i survived.
it was our sweet princess' first christmas and my first christmas without you. we lived. she loved it. i only cried a little during gifts. it was so hard to cry when she was SO happy. i could feel your presence in the room and i knew everything would be okay. i knew you were standing right there smiling at her opening her gifts and loving each of them. i had my moment, alone, in my bedroom. missing you so much i couldn't breathe. you know how that goes. we've been through it several times. the worst melt down i had was christmas eve with your parents. i gave them the most beautiful photo quilt with pictures of me you you and them and you and alexis. so so so many tears were swapped at that point. i knew they loved it. it gets me EVERYTIME when pops cries. ugh. joe, we missed you so much. we needed your humor and your smile there to make the night. i stress everyday about you not being here. i stress about alexis not knowing you, and her growing up without you. i know she will be fine. she has lots of people who love her and are willing to step up and take care of her. but no one can ever replace her daddy, and she deserves to know you. and i plan to make sure she does. when she sees your picture she will say "daddy. daddy." and every time she is playing alone and she is saying daddy daddy daddy i really think you are visiting her and she can see you. so please. keep coming to visit her. make sure she knows you are ALWAYS with her. and i will make sure she knows who you are. i promised you in that hospital room and i will NOT break my promise. i love you so much baby. i miss you more than i knew was possible and i hope you are enjoying your time with your mom and jack jack. I'm sure your playing unlimited video games, sleeping until 2 pm daily. and spending time with your girls. cause all of that was your dream life. oh yeah, on the beach :) i love you handsome. keep on reminding me everyday that you love me and your here. xoxox forever & ever babe. <3
-your favorite girls.
2011 is coming to an end, I'm not sure how i feel about that. but there will be another blog about that on a closer date to new years.
i made it through christmas with minimal tears. okay lie. lots of tears. but i survived.
it was our sweet princess' first christmas and my first christmas without you. we lived. she loved it. i only cried a little during gifts. it was so hard to cry when she was SO happy. i could feel your presence in the room and i knew everything would be okay. i knew you were standing right there smiling at her opening her gifts and loving each of them. i had my moment, alone, in my bedroom. missing you so much i couldn't breathe. you know how that goes. we've been through it several times. the worst melt down i had was christmas eve with your parents. i gave them the most beautiful photo quilt with pictures of me you you and them and you and alexis. so so so many tears were swapped at that point. i knew they loved it. it gets me EVERYTIME when pops cries. ugh. joe, we missed you so much. we needed your humor and your smile there to make the night. i stress everyday about you not being here. i stress about alexis not knowing you, and her growing up without you. i know she will be fine. she has lots of people who love her and are willing to step up and take care of her. but no one can ever replace her daddy, and she deserves to know you. and i plan to make sure she does. when she sees your picture she will say "daddy. daddy." and every time she is playing alone and she is saying daddy daddy daddy i really think you are visiting her and she can see you. so please. keep coming to visit her. make sure she knows you are ALWAYS with her. and i will make sure she knows who you are. i promised you in that hospital room and i will NOT break my promise. i love you so much baby. i miss you more than i knew was possible and i hope you are enjoying your time with your mom and jack jack. I'm sure your playing unlimited video games, sleeping until 2 pm daily. and spending time with your girls. cause all of that was your dream life. oh yeah, on the beach :) i love you handsome. keep on reminding me everyday that you love me and your here. xoxox forever & ever babe. <3
-your favorite girls.
2011 is coming to an end, I'm not sure how i feel about that. but there will be another blog about that on a closer date to new years.
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
5 months.
5 months. 153 days. 3672 hours. 220320 minutes.. 5 whole months.
today is 5 months. almost half a year.
can i believe that? no.
do i want to believe that? no.
lets see where I'm at now that I'm 5 months out.
would i say i am all better? absolutely not. would i say i am at a better place than i was 2 months ago? absolutely. Joe is helping me everyday get a little bit stronger i believe. i am capable of having EXTREMELY good days now. Its not that I don't think of him or wish he was here, but i am able to enjoy my daughter. and enjoy the weather. and enjoy my friends. and i know Joe would WANT me to enjoy all of those things. so i don't feel as much guilt on a daily basis.
but not every day is that good.
even on my BEST day, i think about him 6000000 times a day. and i compare other people to him constantly. i think "if joe was doing that he would... or joe liked it this way... or joe would say..." joe joe joe. and it was always be joe joe joe. its important to me that alexis always knows joe and how joe was.
as alexis grows i miss him more. she started walking and i would give anything for him to see it. and be here. and hear her call everyone and everything daddy. to watch her kick a ball all around the house. to give her kisses.
the longing i have for him is indescribable. everyday i wish he was here. everyday i wish i could hear his voice or see his handsome face. everyday i wish i could hear him say anything. the fact that his voice is becoming a memory and looking at my pictures realizing that he is frozen in time. he is not growing any older. i will not have new or recent pictures of him. the photos i have are all i will ever have. that is hard to accept, esp since i feel i have so FEW pictures, which is not true. its so hard to accept all of these things.
so where do i stand at 5 months? better than before, but not as good as i hope to be in a few months. i owe all of it to the awesome people in my life. my guardian angel, our precious baby, my family, his family, my incredible friends, and mostly my widow friends. the ones who get it when everyone else is looking at me like I'm insane. so thank you all, you will never understand how much i love you.
how did i spend my day? in the emergency room. which was so incredibly hard. i woke up this morning with the left side of my face swelled up and my lip so swollen i couldn't close my mouth. i thought i broke my jaw it hurt so bad. so i call the dr. the dr says go to the er. so i go and i have lymphontitus or something. my lymphnoids are infected. fantastic.
oh well.
I'm missing you babe. i hope your enjoying your time with you mommy and jack jack. and you better be watching over us. i love you to the moon and back. forever & ever babe. xoxo.
today is 5 months. almost half a year.
can i believe that? no.
do i want to believe that? no.
lets see where I'm at now that I'm 5 months out.
would i say i am all better? absolutely not. would i say i am at a better place than i was 2 months ago? absolutely. Joe is helping me everyday get a little bit stronger i believe. i am capable of having EXTREMELY good days now. Its not that I don't think of him or wish he was here, but i am able to enjoy my daughter. and enjoy the weather. and enjoy my friends. and i know Joe would WANT me to enjoy all of those things. so i don't feel as much guilt on a daily basis.
but not every day is that good.
even on my BEST day, i think about him 6000000 times a day. and i compare other people to him constantly. i think "if joe was doing that he would... or joe liked it this way... or joe would say..." joe joe joe. and it was always be joe joe joe. its important to me that alexis always knows joe and how joe was.
as alexis grows i miss him more. she started walking and i would give anything for him to see it. and be here. and hear her call everyone and everything daddy. to watch her kick a ball all around the house. to give her kisses.
the longing i have for him is indescribable. everyday i wish he was here. everyday i wish i could hear his voice or see his handsome face. everyday i wish i could hear him say anything. the fact that his voice is becoming a memory and looking at my pictures realizing that he is frozen in time. he is not growing any older. i will not have new or recent pictures of him. the photos i have are all i will ever have. that is hard to accept, esp since i feel i have so FEW pictures, which is not true. its so hard to accept all of these things.
so where do i stand at 5 months? better than before, but not as good as i hope to be in a few months. i owe all of it to the awesome people in my life. my guardian angel, our precious baby, my family, his family, my incredible friends, and mostly my widow friends. the ones who get it when everyone else is looking at me like I'm insane. so thank you all, you will never understand how much i love you.
how did i spend my day? in the emergency room. which was so incredibly hard. i woke up this morning with the left side of my face swelled up and my lip so swollen i couldn't close my mouth. i thought i broke my jaw it hurt so bad. so i call the dr. the dr says go to the er. so i go and i have lymphontitus or something. my lymphnoids are infected. fantastic.
oh well.
I'm missing you babe. i hope your enjoying your time with you mommy and jack jack. and you better be watching over us. i love you to the moon and back. forever & ever babe. xoxo.
Saturday, December 17, 2011
i can't..
i can't do this ANYMORE.
im all done. tapped out.
emotionally, physically, completely done.
tonight i had christmas with joes moms side of the family. i thought i was doing fine, being in their house is nothing new. i love his parents house. but tonight i was very aware of all his photos on the walls, and all his stuff that was sitting out. i was very aware of everything and tonight it was too much. our daughter, who now walks, was walking around saying "daddy. dada. daddy" everywhere she saw him. a) i am very proud of myself and her that she knows his face that well. b) it broke my heart every time she said it.
idk. i can't do this anymore.
im all done.
i can't even finish this because i can't see through my tears.
just end this now.
give him back to me, your point has been proven, i do in fact NEED him to function.
im all done. tapped out.
emotionally, physically, completely done.
tonight i had christmas with joes moms side of the family. i thought i was doing fine, being in their house is nothing new. i love his parents house. but tonight i was very aware of all his photos on the walls, and all his stuff that was sitting out. i was very aware of everything and tonight it was too much. our daughter, who now walks, was walking around saying "daddy. dada. daddy" everywhere she saw him. a) i am very proud of myself and her that she knows his face that well. b) it broke my heart every time she said it.
idk. i can't do this anymore.
im all done.
i can't even finish this because i can't see through my tears.
just end this now.
give him back to me, your point has been proven, i do in fact NEED him to function.
Monday, December 12, 2011
"holidays"
I'm such bad blogger. but I've honestly been avoiding this. I've been avoiding life in general. wrong? maybe. but is it working for me? kinda. it makes things less real. i hate that i am "celebrating" holidays without him. there is nothing happy or celebratory about it.
just sadness. and a lot of tears.
saturday is his side of the family's christmas.
wish me luck.
oh and to top it off, our baby turns 1 in one month. f. my. life.
just sadness. and a lot of tears.
saturday is his side of the family's christmas.
wish me luck.
oh and to top it off, our baby turns 1 in one month. f. my. life.
Monday, December 5, 2011
how?
how can someone SO young and SO youthful be SO sick.
SO sick he died.
how does that happen? i am looking through my photos right now and he is so healthy and so youthful. he was so full of life and now. now he's a memory to everyone but me. to me he is still very much alive and very much a part of my everyday. but to everyone else he is a memory. i don't think I'm okay with any of this. i want my baby love for christmas. please santa. thats all i want. one more kiss. one more hug. one more 'i love you gf.' anything. one more glimpse at that perfect face.
life is cruel.
SO sick he died.
how does that happen? i am looking through my photos right now and he is so healthy and so youthful. he was so full of life and now. now he's a memory to everyone but me. to me he is still very much alive and very much a part of my everyday. but to everyone else he is a memory. i don't think I'm okay with any of this. i want my baby love for christmas. please santa. thats all i want. one more kiss. one more hug. one more 'i love you gf.' anything. one more glimpse at that perfect face.
life is cruel.
Saturday, December 3, 2011
im a horrible blogger. truth is, i kinda suck at everything lately. but yeah.
lets see. the holidays, suck. I'm over this christmas shopping business on my own. its annoying. and expensive. and I'm tired of being broke. today we had family pictures. without him. how wrong is that? oh super wrong? yep thought so. so so so annoying. life is just annoying anymore. everything i do is tedious. i just want him back.
the stone was placed. how do i feel about this? not super great honestly. yes. the stone is beautiful. and i couldn't have asked for it to be any better physically. but thats not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about what the stone stands for. and what the stone symbolizes. it stands for his death. its there to mark the place that his body is laying. how morbid. it symbolizes the exact number of days since i last saw him. the exact number of minutes its been since he's been on the same planet as me. all the things i struggle every day to forget. to forget that it has been almost 5 months since i looked him in the eye and told him i loved him. there is also a picture of him on it. so in a way its nice, cause i can "see" him when i am there. but also, such a tease. there is his face. and i know just a few feet under that grass inside an ugly wooden box that i hate, is the body that i laid next to for 3 years. the body that i loved looking so handsome in a black on black suit with a ruby red tie. so close, but so so so far away.
i miss little things. like i miss the way his skin was SO warm all the time. he was NEVER EVER EVER cold. i remember when it was FREEZING that i would curl up next to him and i was instantly warm. no blanket, jacket, sweats needed. just my man. and i miss the way he ALWAYS smelled like Panera Bread. ALWAYS. and i HATED it. i miss the way he called himself boyfriend. and i was girlfriend. no matter what our relationship status changed to, he was bf. and i was gf. in this cute made up voice he had and only used with me. i miss my good morning baby texts messages. and i miss my goodnight my love phone calls. i miss him keeping me up to date on the new food coming to Panera or the new music on the radio before it was even on the radio. I miss everything about you joe.
the holidays suck without him. he would LOVE seeing and shopping for alexis. i know he is "here" but lets face it, thats NOT comforting. sorry people.
ugh cranky, emotional, missing my man tonight.
im entitled to that correct? i vote yes.
<3
lets see. the holidays, suck. I'm over this christmas shopping business on my own. its annoying. and expensive. and I'm tired of being broke. today we had family pictures. without him. how wrong is that? oh super wrong? yep thought so. so so so annoying. life is just annoying anymore. everything i do is tedious. i just want him back.
the stone was placed. how do i feel about this? not super great honestly. yes. the stone is beautiful. and i couldn't have asked for it to be any better physically. but thats not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about what the stone stands for. and what the stone symbolizes. it stands for his death. its there to mark the place that his body is laying. how morbid. it symbolizes the exact number of days since i last saw him. the exact number of minutes its been since he's been on the same planet as me. all the things i struggle every day to forget. to forget that it has been almost 5 months since i looked him in the eye and told him i loved him. there is also a picture of him on it. so in a way its nice, cause i can "see" him when i am there. but also, such a tease. there is his face. and i know just a few feet under that grass inside an ugly wooden box that i hate, is the body that i laid next to for 3 years. the body that i loved looking so handsome in a black on black suit with a ruby red tie. so close, but so so so far away.
i miss little things. like i miss the way his skin was SO warm all the time. he was NEVER EVER EVER cold. i remember when it was FREEZING that i would curl up next to him and i was instantly warm. no blanket, jacket, sweats needed. just my man. and i miss the way he ALWAYS smelled like Panera Bread. ALWAYS. and i HATED it. i miss the way he called himself boyfriend. and i was girlfriend. no matter what our relationship status changed to, he was bf. and i was gf. in this cute made up voice he had and only used with me. i miss my good morning baby texts messages. and i miss my goodnight my love phone calls. i miss him keeping me up to date on the new food coming to Panera or the new music on the radio before it was even on the radio. I miss everything about you joe.
the holidays suck without him. he would LOVE seeing and shopping for alexis. i know he is "here" but lets face it, thats NOT comforting. sorry people.
ugh cranky, emotional, missing my man tonight.
im entitled to that correct? i vote yes.
<3
Thursday, November 24, 2011
thankful...?
thanksgiving.
all these HAPPY people who are SUPER thankful for their FANTASTIC lives.
none of those words describe me or my life.
i have struggled to write this post for daysssss.
what am i thankful for...? being a single mom...? losing the man i love at 20 years old...? defending myself and my emotions on a DAILY basis...? having to explain to my baby one day why her daddy isn't here...? thinking of being alone for a long long time...?
no. none of the above.
i am not a happy girl. so happy girls don't sit around and gather lists of what they are thankful for, but here is the list that it took me 10 days to come up with.
1. my princess. she is my rock. i don't know where i would be without her. she is the only thing that gets me out of my bed on a daily basis. she is my personal memory of joe i don't have to share or worry about fading. she is mine. she is his. and she is so much like him it is unfathomable.
2. my memories. no one can take my memories, alter them, tell me how they went or how i should feel about them.
3. my ring. it is such a symbol of my love with joe and it is a materialistic thing i can hold in my hand and remember him & our love & the moment he gave it to me.
4. my in laws. i am blessed by having such a supportive and loving set of "in laws" i know not everyone is that blessed.
5. my 2 very best friends. marissa and jacky. they are my very very very best friends and i don't know what i would do without them. they are incredible and have held me up during all this and will never leave me.
6. my widow friends. they are the only people who truly understand. no one no one no one gets it like they do and i know i can count on them every second of every day.
7. my job. it is such a daily distraction and pays my bills.
7. thats pretty good for such a sad girl.
all these HAPPY people who are SUPER thankful for their FANTASTIC lives.
none of those words describe me or my life.
i have struggled to write this post for daysssss.
what am i thankful for...? being a single mom...? losing the man i love at 20 years old...? defending myself and my emotions on a DAILY basis...? having to explain to my baby one day why her daddy isn't here...? thinking of being alone for a long long time...?
no. none of the above.
i am not a happy girl. so happy girls don't sit around and gather lists of what they are thankful for, but here is the list that it took me 10 days to come up with.
1. my princess. she is my rock. i don't know where i would be without her. she is the only thing that gets me out of my bed on a daily basis. she is my personal memory of joe i don't have to share or worry about fading. she is mine. she is his. and she is so much like him it is unfathomable.
2. my memories. no one can take my memories, alter them, tell me how they went or how i should feel about them.
3. my ring. it is such a symbol of my love with joe and it is a materialistic thing i can hold in my hand and remember him & our love & the moment he gave it to me.
4. my in laws. i am blessed by having such a supportive and loving set of "in laws" i know not everyone is that blessed.
5. my 2 very best friends. marissa and jacky. they are my very very very best friends and i don't know what i would do without them. they are incredible and have held me up during all this and will never leave me.
6. my widow friends. they are the only people who truly understand. no one no one no one gets it like they do and i know i can count on them every second of every day.
7. my job. it is such a daily distraction and pays my bills.
7. thats pretty good for such a sad girl.
Thursday, November 17, 2011
jkjfklsd!
i wish i had the energy to blog. i wish i had the energy to do anything. i just want cuddle time with my baby.
breaking dawn comes out tonight, twilight was our thing. well, my thing that he tolerated & loved that i loved it.
f my life.
breaking dawn comes out tonight, twilight was our thing. well, my thing that he tolerated & loved that i loved it.
f my life.
Friday, November 11, 2011
s.t.r.e.s.s.
joe. you can come back at anyyyy time now.
i have been a ball of stress lately. i have tried everything to make it less but it isn't working.
wednesday we took alexis to the dr. oh wait. by we i mean ME. ALL ALONE. this is the first time i have had to do that. and it was awful. :( they interrogated me about all kinds of crap and then they ask..
"how is her relationship with her father?"
really? my response?
"well, he's passed away in july"
silence in the room.
they ALREADY knew this. i don't know WHY they asked me or didn't have this recorded.
fan freaking tastic. just what i wanted to go through.
so then the idiot nurse begins to ask me why and how it happened, and i just looked at her and she was like you don't have to discuss it. i was like i know, and I'm not going to. but thanks. UGH.
then i find out, she has to go see an eye doctor because she most likely has a lazy eye. great. one more thing i get to deal with alone. how much more can i take? really? ugh.
yesterday she clapped her hands for the first time. its the little things that set me OVER THE EDGE.
i miss you more with every breath i take. i just wish i had you here to listen to me. give me the hug i need when I'm sobbing uncontrollably. help me. please. i love you so so so much joe. nothing can ever take our love away. xoxoxo.
i have been a ball of stress lately. i have tried everything to make it less but it isn't working.
wednesday we took alexis to the dr. oh wait. by we i mean ME. ALL ALONE. this is the first time i have had to do that. and it was awful. :( they interrogated me about all kinds of crap and then they ask..
"how is her relationship with her father?"
really? my response?
"well, he's passed away in july"
silence in the room.
they ALREADY knew this. i don't know WHY they asked me or didn't have this recorded.
fan freaking tastic. just what i wanted to go through.
so then the idiot nurse begins to ask me why and how it happened, and i just looked at her and she was like you don't have to discuss it. i was like i know, and I'm not going to. but thanks. UGH.
then i find out, she has to go see an eye doctor because she most likely has a lazy eye. great. one more thing i get to deal with alone. how much more can i take? really? ugh.
yesterday she clapped her hands for the first time. its the little things that set me OVER THE EDGE.
i miss you more with every breath i take. i just wish i had you here to listen to me. give me the hug i need when I'm sobbing uncontrollably. help me. please. i love you so so so much joe. nothing can ever take our love away. xoxoxo.
Thursday, November 10, 2011
Monday, November 7, 2011
missing you.
there is no other word for it.
i miss him.
my body ACHES for him to touch me. my heart ACHES to hear, "i love you babe. forever & ever"
i just want my life back.
i have been in a really rough spot. i don't feel like doing anything. i am failing out of school. i am struggling to focus at work. i am struggling to take care of my baby. I'm struggling to function. i just need my rock back in my life. and he is so far gone. i listen to my videos and that voice is so familiar, yet becoming such a memory. i don't want his voice to become a memory. i want to hear it now. i want my man to tell me I'm beautiful. to tell me i can do it. to tell me i am the greatest mother he knows. to just love me.
i have GOT to get OUT of this funk. not every day is like this, but lately it has been a string of bad days. blah.
can't a girl catch a break.
i miss him.
my body ACHES for him to touch me. my heart ACHES to hear, "i love you babe. forever & ever"
i just want my life back.
i have been in a really rough spot. i don't feel like doing anything. i am failing out of school. i am struggling to focus at work. i am struggling to take care of my baby. I'm struggling to function. i just need my rock back in my life. and he is so far gone. i listen to my videos and that voice is so familiar, yet becoming such a memory. i don't want his voice to become a memory. i want to hear it now. i want my man to tell me I'm beautiful. to tell me i can do it. to tell me i am the greatest mother he knows. to just love me.
i have GOT to get OUT of this funk. not every day is like this, but lately it has been a string of bad days. blah.
can't a girl catch a break.
Monday, October 31, 2011
halloween.
and it begins.
the holiday season. f. my. life.
i write this after i have had a TERRIBLE day. like AWFUL.
i miss joe SO much today. it is NOT even funny.
i have called his phone upwards of 9 times today and every time that awful verizon woman says this number has been disconnected i sob like I'm 2. i NEED to hear his voice. i NEED to see his name pop up on my Facebook or on my phone in my inbox. i NEED him. end of story.
id give ANYTHING just to talk to him. just to vent to him.
i am on the edge of a meltdown. i am so done.
i am done with my job. i am done with my school. i am done with being a single mom. i am done being a single 20 year old girl. i am done being sad. i am done being depressed. i am done loosing weight because i can't focus on anything. i am done feeling exhausted. i am done defending myself and my relationship and my grief everywhere i go. i am done. done. done. i am done. i want out of this life.
i want my joe back. i want my life back. he was the one person who could convince me that i needed togo to school. or could convince me that i am not a bad mom. or could convince me that i am good at my job. he was my voice of reason. he is my everything. and now I'm left alone.
i am so frustrated.
joe LOVES halloween. it is like chirstmas to him. like i have never seen someone get so excited about pumpkins and awful decorations. but joe does. he LOVES it. like idk what his issue is. so today, as i dressed my little ladybug up to go out i cried. thinking that he is missing it. and its only the beginning of the string of holidays. thanksgiving. chirstmas. new years, her birthday. valentines day. his birthday. our anniversary. then his one year. f my life. so from now until july of next year I'm officially checking out. this is insane.
i want a refund on this trip own this road. cause it SUCKS.
the holiday season. f. my. life.
i write this after i have had a TERRIBLE day. like AWFUL.
i miss joe SO much today. it is NOT even funny.
i have called his phone upwards of 9 times today and every time that awful verizon woman says this number has been disconnected i sob like I'm 2. i NEED to hear his voice. i NEED to see his name pop up on my Facebook or on my phone in my inbox. i NEED him. end of story.
id give ANYTHING just to talk to him. just to vent to him.
i am on the edge of a meltdown. i am so done.
i am done with my job. i am done with my school. i am done with being a single mom. i am done being a single 20 year old girl. i am done being sad. i am done being depressed. i am done loosing weight because i can't focus on anything. i am done feeling exhausted. i am done defending myself and my relationship and my grief everywhere i go. i am done. done. done. i am done. i want out of this life.
i want my joe back. i want my life back. he was the one person who could convince me that i needed togo to school. or could convince me that i am not a bad mom. or could convince me that i am good at my job. he was my voice of reason. he is my everything. and now I'm left alone.
i am so frustrated.
joe LOVES halloween. it is like chirstmas to him. like i have never seen someone get so excited about pumpkins and awful decorations. but joe does. he LOVES it. like idk what his issue is. so today, as i dressed my little ladybug up to go out i cried. thinking that he is missing it. and its only the beginning of the string of holidays. thanksgiving. chirstmas. new years, her birthday. valentines day. his birthday. our anniversary. then his one year. f my life. so from now until july of next year I'm officially checking out. this is insane.
i want a refund on this trip own this road. cause it SUCKS.
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
pulled toooo tight.
i. cannot. do. this.
i have had ENOUGH. something has gotta give.
being a single mom, full time student, and full time employee just isn't working.
the past 2 weeks i have worked 830am-7pm. then i come home to LOADS of homework. and then i watch my baby cry all night because i can't play with her because i have to get this stuff done. and i sit there and feel like the worst mom in the world. i cannot do this anymore.
no one should have to do all of this alone. where is my help? where is my daddy to the rescue? oh right, he gets to kick it in heaven while i struggle to catch my breath.
small pity party today.
i have had ENOUGH. something has gotta give.
being a single mom, full time student, and full time employee just isn't working.
the past 2 weeks i have worked 830am-7pm. then i come home to LOADS of homework. and then i watch my baby cry all night because i can't play with her because i have to get this stuff done. and i sit there and feel like the worst mom in the world. i cannot do this anymore.
no one should have to do all of this alone. where is my help? where is my daddy to the rescue? oh right, he gets to kick it in heaven while i struggle to catch my breath.
small pity party today.
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
mia
i have been mia. its not because i have 100% been healed it more because i am 100% lost. i miss my joe more than words can express. i am so unhappy with where i am in my life. i feel like everyone is moving on or pushing forward and I'm still stuck in july 2011. that is not a good feeling. I'm just struggling. alexis is at such a hard point in life to be a single parent. shes into everything and i can't get a single thing done. everyday i think i have epic meltdown and just wish he was here to sit with her for like 2 minutes so i can go to the bathroom alone. idk. I'm just struggling. so many new things are happening at work, they would be SO good for us and our finances but, its just me. me and our finances. and it sucks. it makes me angry. the good the bad the in-between he is who i shared it with, and now i find myself talking to the sky and getting MAD.
one of my very good friends through my grief group had her one year marker on sunday. we got to celebrate by having her sweet princess dedicated to our church. it was a great way to celebrate her man. i honor her strength. and just watching her be strong on sunday in front of all of those people gave me hope. sunday was a rough day for me for certain reasons, i won't make public on here in case certain people read this, but it was rough and just seeing her be strong. i KNEW it would be okay. does it make me not miss joe anymore? no but it makes me hope that there is a light at the end of my dark dark tunnel.
my sister and brother in law called on monday. she asked me about sunday and then she proceeds to ask me a question i could tell she didn't want to ask me. see joe LOVED playing video games i think I've mentioned that. well, joeys( his brother) xbox got the rings of death. uh oh. so she says, " would you be willing to sell joes xbox to us" and for the first time i felt so much peace and was so happy to gladly tell her i would just give it to her. see I've been very possessive of joes stuff. its all boxed up and NO ONE is to touch it. not even me. but i know Joe would WANT joey to have it. joe LOVES joey and of every person in this world he would want JOEY to have it. and it makes me feel honored to give him that memory of joe. and i know joe is telling me its okay. he is reminding me that he is here and i don't need EVERY physical thing like that to remember him but that Joey does need that. when joey looks at that he will see joe and he will remember his brother and that gives me great peace inside. i want everyone to remember joe. and if giving him and xbox does that then i am so thrilled to give it to him.
i love you angel baby. you are my sunshine. my rock. my everything. keep reminding me your here. i need you still, actually now more than ever. xoxox.
one of my very good friends through my grief group had her one year marker on sunday. we got to celebrate by having her sweet princess dedicated to our church. it was a great way to celebrate her man. i honor her strength. and just watching her be strong on sunday in front of all of those people gave me hope. sunday was a rough day for me for certain reasons, i won't make public on here in case certain people read this, but it was rough and just seeing her be strong. i KNEW it would be okay. does it make me not miss joe anymore? no but it makes me hope that there is a light at the end of my dark dark tunnel.
my sister and brother in law called on monday. she asked me about sunday and then she proceeds to ask me a question i could tell she didn't want to ask me. see joe LOVED playing video games i think I've mentioned that. well, joeys( his brother) xbox got the rings of death. uh oh. so she says, " would you be willing to sell joes xbox to us" and for the first time i felt so much peace and was so happy to gladly tell her i would just give it to her. see I've been very possessive of joes stuff. its all boxed up and NO ONE is to touch it. not even me. but i know Joe would WANT joey to have it. joe LOVES joey and of every person in this world he would want JOEY to have it. and it makes me feel honored to give him that memory of joe. and i know joe is telling me its okay. he is reminding me that he is here and i don't need EVERY physical thing like that to remember him but that Joey does need that. when joey looks at that he will see joe and he will remember his brother and that gives me great peace inside. i want everyone to remember joe. and if giving him and xbox does that then i am so thrilled to give it to him.
i love you angel baby. you are my sunshine. my rock. my everything. keep reminding me your here. i need you still, actually now more than ever. xoxox.
Thursday, October 20, 2011
3 months.
this day, 3 whole months ago was the last day i got to spend with my joe.
heyyy you :) just had an awesome visit with you! your doing great joe! you have no idea how far youve come! today you were wide awake!! eyes wide open! you were moving your arms and feet and responding to peoples voices. :) you reached for my phone which is so like you. and you smiled at me..kinda but its a smile to me :) you held my hand and im pretty sure you mouthed you loved me. im going to say you did :) keep getting stronger. rest tonight sweetie. i will see you tomorrow. we all miss you & love you so so much ♥
this is what i wrote this time, this day, 3 months ago. and then the very next day, my life was flipped upside down.
i had every intention of writing this super strong post about how far I've come in 3 months, but tonight i realize i haven't gone anywhere. i am still just as sad and empty, numb and clueless as i was 3 months ago. when i buried you joe i buried the kayla the whole world knew that day too. i was laying right next to you in that casket because this girl, this is not the girl i was 3 months ago.
yes, there have been some things that have happened that i am 100% grateful that have happened in the past 3 months.
- I have a relationship with his family that I have always seeked. They are truly great people
and i am honored to call them my family.
-I have met a great support system. The ladies from my grief group have changed my life.
-I have gained some awesome friends, and fixed several friendships that i wouldn't be able to function without. Joes friends have become my very best guy friends and I wouldn't trade them for the world.
-God has shown his light in many strange ways.
- I have discovered the impact words can have on someone. Blogging, journaling and writing my emotions down has been the most healing thing ever. I now have every intention to write a book.
I am struggling with trusting God and knowing he is there and carrying me through all this but each day I find myself trusting him a little more. I know he will take the pain away when its time. If only that would lessen my pain right now. sigh.
I am also extremely grateful for Joe. I can feel him in everything i do. we had a nice cry session on the floor the other day and i know it was just me him and God. it was a time i know the 3 of us needed together. and i don't see it as being the last time it happens. my man is always looking out for me.
there isn't a day that passes that i don't miss you. there isn't a moment that passes that I'm not thinking about you or telling a joe story. your baby looks and acts more like you every day. we talk about you everyday and we tell you goodnight every day on our desktop picture when we close the comp at night. she will know you. it is my biggest determination. i am not the same without you. but i know you are guiding me through the days. i know you are with me. i know you love me. i know you will always be mine. these are the things that get me through each day. each moment. each breath.
just breathe.
breathe through the breaking pain.
just breathe.
missing you more and more angel.
heyyy you :) just had an awesome visit with you! your doing great joe! you have no idea how far youve come! today you were wide awake!! eyes wide open! you were moving your arms and feet and responding to peoples voices. :) you reached for my phone which is so like you. and you smiled at me..kinda but its a smile to me :) you held my hand and im pretty sure you mouthed you loved me. im going to say you did :) keep getting stronger. rest tonight sweetie. i will see you tomorrow. we all miss you & love you so so much ♥
this is what i wrote this time, this day, 3 months ago. and then the very next day, my life was flipped upside down.
i had every intention of writing this super strong post about how far I've come in 3 months, but tonight i realize i haven't gone anywhere. i am still just as sad and empty, numb and clueless as i was 3 months ago. when i buried you joe i buried the kayla the whole world knew that day too. i was laying right next to you in that casket because this girl, this is not the girl i was 3 months ago.
yes, there have been some things that have happened that i am 100% grateful that have happened in the past 3 months.
- I have a relationship with his family that I have always seeked. They are truly great people
and i am honored to call them my family.
-I have met a great support system. The ladies from my grief group have changed my life.
-I have gained some awesome friends, and fixed several friendships that i wouldn't be able to function without. Joes friends have become my very best guy friends and I wouldn't trade them for the world.
-God has shown his light in many strange ways.
- I have discovered the impact words can have on someone. Blogging, journaling and writing my emotions down has been the most healing thing ever. I now have every intention to write a book.
I am struggling with trusting God and knowing he is there and carrying me through all this but each day I find myself trusting him a little more. I know he will take the pain away when its time. If only that would lessen my pain right now. sigh.
I am also extremely grateful for Joe. I can feel him in everything i do. we had a nice cry session on the floor the other day and i know it was just me him and God. it was a time i know the 3 of us needed together. and i don't see it as being the last time it happens. my man is always looking out for me.
there isn't a day that passes that i don't miss you. there isn't a moment that passes that I'm not thinking about you or telling a joe story. your baby looks and acts more like you every day. we talk about you everyday and we tell you goodnight every day on our desktop picture when we close the comp at night. she will know you. it is my biggest determination. i am not the same without you. but i know you are guiding me through the days. i know you are with me. i know you love me. i know you will always be mine. these are the things that get me through each day. each moment. each breath.
just breathe.
breathe through the breaking pain.
just breathe.
missing you more and more angel.
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
another funeral.
tomorrow i get to bury my grandfather. now, him and i were not super close, but in the same matter, i have to attend another funeral and he WAS my grandfather. i am watching my mother grieve and it is taking me 1000000 steps backwards in my process of grief. i miss joe, and i haven't even dealt with his death much less deal with another persons death. i can't see people grieving if you read my post about the cemetery you will understand why not. i don't want to make the day about me but i don't know how well I'm going to be able to stand on my own 2 feet. I'm afraid. deathly afraid, no pun intended. i am struggling. today i put my dress that i wore to joes funeral on for the second time ever and i sat on my bathroom floor and sobbed. it was a pathetic site. but i felt i needed to do it. i needed to sit and stare at myself in that dress and cry. and i know joe was sitting on the floor with me. holding me. because i felt it.
i feel like I've been so wrapped up in my work and my life that i have been putting joe on the back burner. it has been 2 whole days since I've had a good cry and obviously that back fired.
but there will be enough tears tomorrow to make up for it. bleh. shoot me now.
i feel like I've been so wrapped up in my work and my life that i have been putting joe on the back burner. it has been 2 whole days since I've had a good cry and obviously that back fired.
but there will be enough tears tomorrow to make up for it. bleh. shoot me now.
Saturday, October 15, 2011
hallmark holidays
lets talk about these made up holidays. as a widow, i find them ANNOYING. honestly, before i met joe i wasn't a fan of them either and we WOULD NOT have celebrated them if it wasn't for him pushing it, i know weird right? but anyway.
i understand the meaning behind it, kinda. I do get that they are in place for people to express their love to one another about their loved ones. but heres the deal, most men forget, which in turn makes the women mad. and then you spend the week making up for the STUPID made up holiday that he forgot. is it worth that for a card and some flowers, MAYBE some jewelry? i think not. and honestly do you need ONE day to express your love for someone? are they not worth it the other 364 days of the year? joe and i showed our love daily and he would aways bring me little gifts or flowers or send me sweet texts that said more than any hallmark card could ever write. but anyway. the world will continue to celebrate them i assume. whatever they want to do.
after that horrid rant, i will SADLY admit i did indulge and buy myself a NICE gift for today. kinda like a mini pity party :)
i understand the meaning behind it, kinda. I do get that they are in place for people to express their love to one another about their loved ones. but heres the deal, most men forget, which in turn makes the women mad. and then you spend the week making up for the STUPID made up holiday that he forgot. is it worth that for a card and some flowers, MAYBE some jewelry? i think not. and honestly do you need ONE day to express your love for someone? are they not worth it the other 364 days of the year? joe and i showed our love daily and he would aways bring me little gifts or flowers or send me sweet texts that said more than any hallmark card could ever write. but anyway. the world will continue to celebrate them i assume. whatever they want to do.
after that horrid rant, i will SADLY admit i did indulge and buy myself a NICE gift for today. kinda like a mini pity party :)
joe bought me this necklace on May 10th 200...8? i think. maybe 2009? not important. it was our FIRST OFFICIAL days since he was outta school. he took me to Bravo's, we went to see Ghost of Girlfriends Past, showed up at my house with flowers and a card, and gave me this necklace.
obviously this necklace hold serious sentimental value now, and what happens to it? i lost it. yep. when we moved the 2nd time. GREAT. so what have i been doing? yep I've been trying to track it down. so i FINALLY find it. and i ordered it and i bought it. was it cheap? NOPE. do i care? NOPE. i deserve it. is it the same necklace as the one he gave me that day, nope. but it is the design he picked out for me. and whenever i see it i think of him. i love it. and i will give it to my baby one day. it tolds my heart inside that tiny pendent. happy non existent holiday to me :)
on a different note. today, i go into the laundry room to...do laundry. and i see this TINY TINY TINY lion shaped eraser, like one for children and i pick it up and all the sudden i remember that joe got me that out of one of those quarter machines the day i told him i was pregnant. thanks for the sign your still with me angel face.
i love you to the moon and back and i hope you spent the day with me :) xoxoxox.
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
decisions.
i SUCK at making decisions. joe and i would ALWAYS fight over me making choices. i would never pick where we ate, what we watched, where we went, what we bought. it was bad. but if i wanted something then i could def make a choice. such as clothes or decorations or jewelry :) it was a huge downfall of our relationship because the arguments would spiral out of control. he got mad, i got mad, then he got mad that i was mad and i got mad that he was mad and so on. it was never ending. but eventually i would storm out and he would chase me down and all was well in the world. anyway. not the point. well kinda the point. i have REALLY been struggling with decisions lately. well since he got sick. i had to make decisions for him everyday and now i don't have my decision maker in my life anymore. bleh. :( not okay. anyway. i have made a couple decisions that i am proud of.
1) i decided to go to grief support group with a little help from my lovely "sister in law" and "mother in law" who i LOVE dearly and knew they wouldn't steer me wrong. but i decided to go and i LOVE it. i LOVEEEE crossroads and i LOVE the ladies i have met in my group. i wouldn't be here without them.
2) i have decided i want to help people. i have really been struggling with what i want to do with my life and i think i want to become a counselor. not anytime soon obviously, but it is important to me to give help to people who need it like people have been( and are continuing to do) for me. i want to give people support like i have been given. it has changed my life. joe is a huge supporter of counseling and i think he would really support me on this. idk, nothing is set in stone but for today this is the decision i have made.
3) i have decided to live in the moment. i am NOT this girl. i DO NOT act like this. I am a planner, i am a homebody, and i don't break rules. and I'm done with this. i am going to live everyday like its my last because i sit now and think about all the things joe and i were SUPPOSED to do but i put off because we had "all the time in the world" yeah right. obviously God can take all your time away from you whenever he seems fit. so we will see how this life treats me.
4) i have also decided at some point i think id like to write a book. not so much to get it published, i could care less if it ever gets published but i want my story somewhere. i want it somewhere where its available to others and i want to make sure my story and my joe never dies, because i am proud of my story and i am proud of my relationship and i never want it to die. i want everyone in years to come to know of my joe and our love story. so we will see how that goes.
for now, this is all of my decisions i have made. this is a lot for a girl like me. but for now, i am ultra sick and i am in desperate need of homework, a shower, and a girls night out.
i hope your enjoying your time up there handsome man. cause i am NOT enjoying my time down here without you. come home boyfriend. your girls are waiting for you. xoxoxo.
1) i decided to go to grief support group with a little help from my lovely "sister in law" and "mother in law" who i LOVE dearly and knew they wouldn't steer me wrong. but i decided to go and i LOVE it. i LOVEEEE crossroads and i LOVE the ladies i have met in my group. i wouldn't be here without them.
2) i have decided i want to help people. i have really been struggling with what i want to do with my life and i think i want to become a counselor. not anytime soon obviously, but it is important to me to give help to people who need it like people have been( and are continuing to do) for me. i want to give people support like i have been given. it has changed my life. joe is a huge supporter of counseling and i think he would really support me on this. idk, nothing is set in stone but for today this is the decision i have made.
3) i have decided to live in the moment. i am NOT this girl. i DO NOT act like this. I am a planner, i am a homebody, and i don't break rules. and I'm done with this. i am going to live everyday like its my last because i sit now and think about all the things joe and i were SUPPOSED to do but i put off because we had "all the time in the world" yeah right. obviously God can take all your time away from you whenever he seems fit. so we will see how this life treats me.
4) i have also decided at some point i think id like to write a book. not so much to get it published, i could care less if it ever gets published but i want my story somewhere. i want it somewhere where its available to others and i want to make sure my story and my joe never dies, because i am proud of my story and i am proud of my relationship and i never want it to die. i want everyone in years to come to know of my joe and our love story. so we will see how that goes.
for now, this is all of my decisions i have made. this is a lot for a girl like me. but for now, i am ultra sick and i am in desperate need of homework, a shower, and a girls night out.
i hope your enjoying your time up there handsome man. cause i am NOT enjoying my time down here without you. come home boyfriend. your girls are waiting for you. xoxoxo.
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
hey baby.
today, i miss you. i miss you so much i don't know what to do with myself. i don't know how to live my everyday life when i lost my everyday life. i try to be super strong for a lot of people, but deep down. I'm missing you. and I'm missing everything we lost. I'm missing our saturday dates at TGI fridays. I'm missing our trips to Meijer. I'm missing you BLARING music in a parking lot and me slowly sinking into my chair outta embarrassment. I'm missing your texts when you couldn't sleep telling me EXACTLY how you felt about me. I'm missing someone to call when I'm SO PISSED at my job. I'm missing you. you and me. you made a promise and you didnt follow through. that isn't like you. you ALWAYS kept your word. i know you didn't choose this, but still. :( i need you more than you and i were aware. when i said forever, i didn't really understand the meaning behind that until it was ripped out from under me. :( what kinda life is this? what kinda life am i going to lead? a sad and lonely life? cause thats how i feel. our princess is 9 MONTHS OLD. can you BELIEVE that?! she is SO big and looks JUST like you. she IS you all over again. i hope your watching over her, and me. i know your watching over me. i SWEAR i felt kisses today on the left side of my forehead just like you used to. <3 your always with me. you must be a busy man. cause we run a lot. :) i love you baby. you will always be my baby tiger. i hope your enjoying your time up there. you BEST be taking care of jack jack. tell him his mama misses him and you better be giving him some cat nip like he loves & letting him sleep in your bed. your bengals are doing well this season, i know your helping them out. we both know they need it. lol. anyway, i will let you sleep or play games whatever your doing. lol. i love you boo. ill be seeing you.
love,
your favorite girl. forever & ever.
love,
your favorite girl. forever & ever.
Sunday, October 9, 2011
lonely, sad, and sick.
i have a head cold from the underworld. and it makes me sad. and lonely. last night i went to the cyclones game( our local hockey team) with my very best friends and it was nice. but then of course it had to end, and i was alone. so i went BACK to hang out with them and it hit me like a wall. i don't want to hang out and play pong, or listen to music, or dance, or watch movies with them, i want to lay at home with my head in his lap and him playing with my hair watching movies and cuddling and him making me feel better. he would hold a heating pad on the back of my neck or ice or make me soup or go get me my favorite coffee, and now. its just me and my pong playing best friends and their happiness.
i have NEVER felt so alone in a world full of people. i feel like my world has stopped spinning. things have shifted recently and i don't get it. ever since the funeral at the cemetery episode i am spooked and i can't get over it. i can't come back from that moment and its frustrating. i feel alone. i feel alone. i feel alone. :( i just want my life back! is that too much to ask?! blahhhhh. I'm loosing my mind people. i HATE this feeling.
i took our princess to the pumpkin patch friday. and that was so hard. joe LOVES halloween and it is horrible to be doing this stuff without him. :( but, i know he was with us. i felt him there. it was odd. but i did. but i need a boyfriend hug and a kiss and someone to tell me I'm beautiful still.
looks so much like her daddy. <3
i have NEVER felt so alone in a world full of people. i feel like my world has stopped spinning. things have shifted recently and i don't get it. ever since the funeral at the cemetery episode i am spooked and i can't get over it. i can't come back from that moment and its frustrating. i feel alone. i feel alone. i feel alone. :( i just want my life back! is that too much to ask?! blahhhhh. I'm loosing my mind people. i HATE this feeling.
i took our princess to the pumpkin patch friday. and that was so hard. joe LOVES halloween and it is horrible to be doing this stuff without him. :( but, i know he was with us. i felt him there. it was odd. but i did. but i need a boyfriend hug and a kiss and someone to tell me I'm beautiful still.
Thursday, October 6, 2011
cemetery
yesterday i went to visit joe. why you ask? i have NO idea. it is THE SADDEST place on earth but seriously i will be driving and i will just end up there.
there is no headstone yet, just a red flag. the love of my life gets a red flag and thats it. ugh. annoying. but anyway. I'm sitting there, like always. i always sit. right on top of his grave like I'm sitting in his lap, because i always sat in his lap. weird? not to me. anyway
as i sit there there is a funeral going on not too far away. far enough to where I'm not intruding on them, but close enough to where you can see everyone and hear them, after all its a silent place. it was the WEIRDEST experience I've ever went through. i was sitting there and i just couldn't look away. that was me 2 months ago. i know EXACTLY how those people felt. there were people sobbing and i remember that exact pain. i remember standing next to that casket refusing to leave because that meant he was going into the ground. i remember just standing there. holding onto a box. a box that held everything i loved. and i was overcome with grief. absolutely knock the breath out of you, can't stand up, uncontrollable tears kinda grief. so i sat there and sobbed. sobbed for my life lost and watched these people sob too.
i was changed by that moment. and I'm still reflecting upon it today. its been a rough couple days. I'm missing my baby. i just remember how handsome he is, and how soft his skin was, and how good he looked and smelled after a shower, how he rubbed my feet or when we were in a store kept his hand on my lower back kinda like, yeah she's mine kinda deal. i miss that. i miss the little stuff. i miss the way he looked at me. NO ONE looks at me like that anymore. or the way he called me baby girl, and then called our baby his princess. i just want to hear his voice. i want to be annoyed by the amount of texts i got at work and couldn't get anything done. i want to argue over bills. i just want to be in the same room as him and hear him breathe or lay on his chest and hear his heart beat. that sound was the thing that kept my world together.
ugh minor pity party today. blehhhhhhh. save me.
there is no headstone yet, just a red flag. the love of my life gets a red flag and thats it. ugh. annoying. but anyway. I'm sitting there, like always. i always sit. right on top of his grave like I'm sitting in his lap, because i always sat in his lap. weird? not to me. anyway
as i sit there there is a funeral going on not too far away. far enough to where I'm not intruding on them, but close enough to where you can see everyone and hear them, after all its a silent place. it was the WEIRDEST experience I've ever went through. i was sitting there and i just couldn't look away. that was me 2 months ago. i know EXACTLY how those people felt. there were people sobbing and i remember that exact pain. i remember standing next to that casket refusing to leave because that meant he was going into the ground. i remember just standing there. holding onto a box. a box that held everything i loved. and i was overcome with grief. absolutely knock the breath out of you, can't stand up, uncontrollable tears kinda grief. so i sat there and sobbed. sobbed for my life lost and watched these people sob too.
i was changed by that moment. and I'm still reflecting upon it today. its been a rough couple days. I'm missing my baby. i just remember how handsome he is, and how soft his skin was, and how good he looked and smelled after a shower, how he rubbed my feet or when we were in a store kept his hand on my lower back kinda like, yeah she's mine kinda deal. i miss that. i miss the little stuff. i miss the way he looked at me. NO ONE looks at me like that anymore. or the way he called me baby girl, and then called our baby his princess. i just want to hear his voice. i want to be annoyed by the amount of texts i got at work and couldn't get anything done. i want to argue over bills. i just want to be in the same room as him and hear him breathe or lay on his chest and hear his heart beat. that sound was the thing that kept my world together.
ugh minor pity party today. blehhhhhhh. save me.
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
as simple as a television.
an LCD 32 in flat screen television has changed my life drastically.
this tv was the VERY first purchase joe & i made TOGETHER living ON OUR OWN. this tv will always hold a special place in my heart.
there are lots of movies watched on the tv, games played, and television shows watched on that tv. there are memories of cuddling up in front of that tv, FIGHTING over that tv, and carrying that tv around in our car for weeks ( LONG story) in the end, this tv holds majority of my memories with joe.
obviously when he passed the tv became mine. up until today the tv has been sitting in my spare room, unassembled and NOT plugged in. I would look at it everyday and just smile, but never nerved up to plug it in. well, i finally got gutsy with a little help from my kid brother and the tv is now assembled. turning the tv on for the first time was really hard. knowing that the last time that tv was turned out HE was watching it, that is really hard for me to think about. but that tv symbolizes my life with joe i think. that tv is like our other baby. he LOVED that tv. his whole life he wanted his OWN flat screen and he finally got it. <3 my tv.
and the tv looks great in my bedroom, and when i watch it i think about him directly. i know he is watching over me, alexis, AND his tv.
one more thing off my list. i really need to stop checking things off my list. i am doing it to seek closure and i am not finding it, but that is a post for tomorrow.
now its time for bed. <3 goodnight blogging world & more importantly goodnight my sweet angel. <3 i will see you in my dreams. i love youuu.
this tv was the VERY first purchase joe & i made TOGETHER living ON OUR OWN. this tv will always hold a special place in my heart.
there are lots of movies watched on the tv, games played, and television shows watched on that tv. there are memories of cuddling up in front of that tv, FIGHTING over that tv, and carrying that tv around in our car for weeks ( LONG story) in the end, this tv holds majority of my memories with joe.
obviously when he passed the tv became mine. up until today the tv has been sitting in my spare room, unassembled and NOT plugged in. I would look at it everyday and just smile, but never nerved up to plug it in. well, i finally got gutsy with a little help from my kid brother and the tv is now assembled. turning the tv on for the first time was really hard. knowing that the last time that tv was turned out HE was watching it, that is really hard for me to think about. but that tv symbolizes my life with joe i think. that tv is like our other baby. he LOVED that tv. his whole life he wanted his OWN flat screen and he finally got it. <3 my tv.
and the tv looks great in my bedroom, and when i watch it i think about him directly. i know he is watching over me, alexis, AND his tv.
one more thing off my list. i really need to stop checking things off my list. i am doing it to seek closure and i am not finding it, but that is a post for tomorrow.
now its time for bed. <3 goodnight blogging world & more importantly goodnight my sweet angel. <3 i will see you in my dreams. i love youuu.
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
alone.
"From the way he spoke of you and Alexis... I've rarely heard anyone speak of loving someone so much. Don't doubt it. The two of you were his world. At times he would make me jealous thinking I wish I had that. I sincerely believe Joe will always watch over you two."
this is a message I got from one of Joes managers at work. These words mean so much to me. lately i find myself doubting my life. doubting the joe loves me or loved me at all. and i needed a reminder, and then i was going through my inbox which has been OVERWHELMED with messages since he passed and there was this message, sticking out at me and it reminded me, he does love me and he made that clear to EVERYONE he came in contact with. and that is what i remember about my joe. but at the same time, it makes me miss him. so much more. i am so over being alone. i want to feel that happiness again. the happiness of being in a HAPPY HEALTHY LOVING relationship. I am not sure I will ever have what I had with Joe again. I know I am only 2 months out and still very early in this process, but the love i shared with joe only comes once in a life time and anything from here on out will be settling for sure. I found my prince charming, and now he is gone.
Blah kinda day.
On an up note, my baby has her first tooth! Her dada would be so proud. He couldn't wait for her to get her teeth!
i love you boyfriend. to the moon and back. <3
Sunday, October 2, 2011
family
what defines a family? this has been on my mind a lot lately. what do you have to do to be considered FAMILY? I mean yes, my mother father and siblings are my family. and of course Alexis. but then everyone else, i mean what does society define as a family. Me? I consider Joe my family obviously. but then I also consider my "should be inlaws" my family too. is that wrong? Today we spent the day with them, well the evening and I just felt 100% at home. They understand and they are supportive and over the last 2 months they have gotten to know me pretty well. They genuinely care about me and Alexis. The love us unconditionally and when we are together its relaxed, we are ourselves and we can tease and play but also be serious. Does this make them "family" in the eyes of society? I am not sure. But they are family in my book, and I wouldn't trade them for the world. I love have another set of parents and another set of arms and ears for when i need them and Alexis just loves them, and her cousins. and we love them too! Ashleigh, Joey and Lauren are great and the boys are adorable. anyway. this is my random vent about my family. because in my book they are family. I don't need blood or paperwork to prove anything.
I know my music challenge is over, and tomorrows blog will be about that and where I "am at" in my healing process but for tonight here is a song that i feel really ties up how i feel..
I know my music challenge is over, and tomorrows blog will be about that and where I "am at" in my healing process but for tonight here is a song that i feel really ties up how i feel..
Saturday, October 1, 2011
day 30.
i FAIL at blogging! haha. I missed the LAST day of my music challenge, but this is my game so I am posting it today.
Jay Sean- Down
Jay Sean- Down
this song holds a very special place in my heart. this was joe & i's song. it is the ringtone on my phone, it is on EVERY playlist on my iTunes. it is my favorite song ever. I have always loved this song, since the minute Joe found it on his secret website and i heard it first. Then one day I just started dancing to it in the car and Joe just started laughing. It has been our song ever since. Whenever we would fight he would play this song and it NEVER failed, no matter how mad i was it always made me feel better. always. and when i am frustrated and missing him i listen to it and have a good solid cry. haha. this song will always be our song baby. and i love it. and i love you. and i can see you dancing and singing down down down down down right now. its the down down song baby boo. <3
this weekend has been eventful. i will have to blog about that later. until then, i am exhausted and going to bed to hopefully dream of my lover. <3
goodnight baby boo. i hope your having a good weekend. i miss you. xoxox
i love you to the moon and back.
Thursday, September 29, 2011
day 29
today is 10 weeks. I cannot believe another month is almost over and i am still alive. I miss my man so so much. I miss all the things he gave to me. I read an interesting blog post from a fellow widow who I follow religiously and it really made me think. She made a list of all the things she lost when she lost her love, and it made me realize Joe was my everything and he is gone. my everything is gone. This morning was a beautiful morning, then tonight turned ugly. Just like this day 10 weeks ago. The day started out FABULOUS. Joe was doing WONDERFUL he was the most awake I've seen him and he was super responsive to us and the nurses. That was the day I said to myself " I can finally breathe relaxed, he is going to be okay. He is FINALLY going to pull through" then 2 hours later I got the phone call that changed my world, "Pops needs us at the hospital right away, something is wrong" Silence. Right then my world STOPPED spinning. I realized things are NOT going to be okay, something is wrong. and that night, my world as i knew it was over. the beautiful morning was over, and the sun would never shine the same way again. My world is cast with darkness. The Kayla i knew, left with the Joe I love. Now I am this girl. This girl deserves a different name because she is in no way the same as that girl I was at 12:20 on July 21st, 2011 when I was sitting in that hospital room with my happy, healing Joe. At 10:32 when the heart that kept my world spinning stopped, so did my heart, and it started again as a new person. Bleh.
see what goes on in my head? its a dark place.
Kesha- Want you bad
see what goes on in my head? its a dark place.
Kesha- Want you bad
\
i want joe so bad. and again. he loved kesha. I remember he thought this song was so great. He played it over and over and over again in the car. haha. i can see him right now, dancing smiling singing kissing me loving me his hand on my leg while he was driving and the other hand dancing while his knee drives the car. ahh my reckless little lover. <3
i love you baby.
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
day 28
tomorrow is 10 weeks. 10 WEEKS?! nooo. blehhh. i miss my man.
today i have thought a lot about the ICU. our stay and our journey in the ICU. I haven't gotten around to writing a thank you note to the nursing staff there, or anyone else yet, they are all waiting to be written. thankfully my "in laws" are going to help me. but anyway. I am doing a new position at work, and its just me and my iPod all day. and today the ICU was on my mind all day. I can picture my sweet angel laying in that bed sound asleep in that contraption of a rotating bed. I can remember the MOMENT he opened his eyes for the first time in 2 weeks, it was just me and him in the room. i was SO scared, but SO excited at the same time. I was the first person he saw when he opened those big brown eyes. <3 I can remember the moment he grabbed my hand for the first time in 2 weeks, the first time he mouthed the words "i love you". when he reached for my phone because i was teasing him for not teaching me how to use it before he went into the hospital. and then i remember the moment that precious heart stopped beating. when he took his last breath. all of those moments happened in room 1330 in the ICU. that room holds so many memories. and idk why its been on my mind today but it has. it was a nice room. but now, i plan to NEVER EVER go back to Bethesda North Hospital ICU or any other room in that hospital to be frank. bleh. there is my random mind thoughts today.
I am also thinking about my fellow widow over at No Sudden Revelations who is facing her 6 month marker today. <3 hugs to you girly.
and my DEARRR friend Tameka, I met her through my grief group at Crossroads and she has become my lifeline. her hardest month is ahead of her and she is in my thoughts. we will do it together girly. i am always here. loveee you <3
anyway. my song for the day.
Avril Lavigne- Keep Holding On
the motto of my life now. keep holding on. plus joe loves avril.
today i have thought a lot about the ICU. our stay and our journey in the ICU. I haven't gotten around to writing a thank you note to the nursing staff there, or anyone else yet, they are all waiting to be written. thankfully my "in laws" are going to help me. but anyway. I am doing a new position at work, and its just me and my iPod all day. and today the ICU was on my mind all day. I can picture my sweet angel laying in that bed sound asleep in that contraption of a rotating bed. I can remember the MOMENT he opened his eyes for the first time in 2 weeks, it was just me and him in the room. i was SO scared, but SO excited at the same time. I was the first person he saw when he opened those big brown eyes. <3 I can remember the moment he grabbed my hand for the first time in 2 weeks, the first time he mouthed the words "i love you". when he reached for my phone because i was teasing him for not teaching me how to use it before he went into the hospital. and then i remember the moment that precious heart stopped beating. when he took his last breath. all of those moments happened in room 1330 in the ICU. that room holds so many memories. and idk why its been on my mind today but it has. it was a nice room. but now, i plan to NEVER EVER go back to Bethesda North Hospital ICU or any other room in that hospital to be frank. bleh. there is my random mind thoughts today.
I am also thinking about my fellow widow over at No Sudden Revelations who is facing her 6 month marker today. <3 hugs to you girly.
and my DEARRR friend Tameka, I met her through my grief group at Crossroads and she has become my lifeline. her hardest month is ahead of her and she is in my thoughts. we will do it together girly. i am always here. loveee you <3
anyway. my song for the day.
Avril Lavigne- Keep Holding On
the motto of my life now. keep holding on. plus joe loves avril.
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
day 27
Black Eyed Peas- Party all the time
this was the song of our very first summer together. <3 such a joe song. and such an excuse for him to "party" haha. love him so much.
today i went to grief group. i LOVE my grief group. tameka, ms kathy and ms karen are the absolute best people i have ever met. i don't know what i would do without our weekly tuesday meeting. its like a refresher. when its over i am going to loose my mind! its just nice to be around people who get it and who care. its the quickest hour of my life. haha. they put much validity behind my feelings. <3 them.
baby, i miss you. i think about you so much. i just wish i could have you back for 30 seconds to tell you ONE more time that i love you MORE than you love me and see that smile on your face. :) your princess misses you. her "muh dada". thats what she says. but i know she plays with you. i can tell when your visiting her. she seems happier and is content by herself for once. ha. i miss you. come home to me handsome man. your myyyyy man. <3 forever & ever babe. xoxo
Monday, September 26, 2011
day 26
somehow, i got a day behind. i think i posted the wrong day yesterday. ha. anyway. today is day 26.
Akon- Nosey Neighbor
this song is 100% inappropriate and obnoxious, but its a joe song. and when he heard it he loved it. it reminded him of the movie Disturbia, which was a favorite movie of ours and the reason it is todays song. I saw something about that movie today and i was like JOE! NOSEY NEIGHBOR! and the memories came flooding back. i love living in my memories. they are so much better than my reality.
today, i went out to get the mail (no work today) and i came inside, slightly distracted, and i am the only one home. the baby is asleep, and all the sudden there is this smell in my kitchen. it smells JUST like joe. immediately i look up and start looking around. It was so strong, it smelled like someone was in my house. but no one was, it just smelled like it. i KNOW he was in my kitchen, freaking me out. thanks baby.
thennn i was looking for a file on my computer and i came across this video, i thought i had found all the videos of joe talking to alexis, but i guess i didn't cause here this video was, and it was his voice, the voice i have been dying to hear, on the other end of the computer. instant tears. again, thank you baby.
Akon- Nosey Neighbor
this song is 100% inappropriate and obnoxious, but its a joe song. and when he heard it he loved it. it reminded him of the movie Disturbia, which was a favorite movie of ours and the reason it is todays song. I saw something about that movie today and i was like JOE! NOSEY NEIGHBOR! and the memories came flooding back. i love living in my memories. they are so much better than my reality.
today, i went out to get the mail (no work today) and i came inside, slightly distracted, and i am the only one home. the baby is asleep, and all the sudden there is this smell in my kitchen. it smells JUST like joe. immediately i look up and start looking around. It was so strong, it smelled like someone was in my house. but no one was, it just smelled like it. i KNOW he was in my kitchen, freaking me out. thanks baby.
thennn i was looking for a file on my computer and i came across this video, i thought i had found all the videos of joe talking to alexis, but i guess i didn't cause here this video was, and it was his voice, the voice i have been dying to hear, on the other end of the computer. instant tears. again, thank you baby.
<3 i love you handsome.
Sunday, September 25, 2011
day 24
i know i just posted my weekend, but this song deserves its own post.
Jaicko- Fast Forward
ohhh this song. i have been SEARCHING for this song for weeks now. and i couldn't remember it. and i couldn't find it on the 4000 CDs in our car. FINALLY on my way to work yesterday i found it! thank you baby! anyway, i loveeee this song. now it makes me a little sad, because my future is gone. but i try to remember when joe and i had planned our future and this was the song he played for me. " fast forward into the future, cause i could spend forever with you. fast forward into our destiny cause theres so much we could do" Joe and i were going through a rough time and he just kept saying we need to fast forward into a better time. when we have this all figured out and we are married and happy. and thats exactly what we needed. and we never got it. i was robbed. stupidddd universe. and in no way do i believe this is my destiny! no way at all!
i love you baby. and i still think about our future every single day. i miss you more with each breath. i love you baby love. i hope your enjoying heaven & your waiting for me.
Jaicko- Fast Forward
ohhh this song. i have been SEARCHING for this song for weeks now. and i couldn't remember it. and i couldn't find it on the 4000 CDs in our car. FINALLY on my way to work yesterday i found it! thank you baby! anyway, i loveeee this song. now it makes me a little sad, because my future is gone. but i try to remember when joe and i had planned our future and this was the song he played for me. " fast forward into the future, cause i could spend forever with you. fast forward into our destiny cause theres so much we could do" Joe and i were going through a rough time and he just kept saying we need to fast forward into a better time. when we have this all figured out and we are married and happy. and thats exactly what we needed. and we never got it. i was robbed. stupidddd universe. and in no way do i believe this is my destiny! no way at all!
i love you baby. and i still think about our future every single day. i miss you more with each breath. i love you baby love. i hope your enjoying heaven & your waiting for me.
day 23 ( a day late)
I'm such a bad blogger. haha. the weekends are always tough to blog. i spend a lot of the weekend wishing joe was here. he loves the weekend. friday we went to KI. that was lame. but it was another thing to check off my list of things I've done without joe. i think i feel if i check off my list i will feel better, but its turning out to be the opposite. anyway. KI was lame. and cold. so we came home. i finally talked through how i feel with one of my high school friends. did she get it? nope. but it was nice to put the words out there. she was there in the hospital when joe died and there was a lot about the story she didn't know. so it was nice to inform her. i hate telling my story though. some people find it therapdic, i find it stressful. I can type it and not be connected to what I'm typing but when i have to talk about it, the words take me right back to that minute and i get lost in that day and i feel pain that is unrealistic. i don't even remember the pain being that bad the day it happened, i guess I've numbed myself out a little. which is how i like it. the day the numbness goes away, is the day everything falls apart.
last night we had a bonfire. me marissa and some of our good friends. it was really nice. i enjoy being chill with them. there were times i wished joe was there, but there were other times i felt him standing right behind me. i know he was there. i just wish i could have been cuddled up with him. bleh. annoying. anyway. today were off to church with Gaga & Pops, haven't seen pops in a long time! it is always nice to spend time with them. they are always so receptive to how I'm feeling and what I'm saying.
hope you all enjoy your weekend.
Akon- Party Animal
joe loved akon and he says this song is about him. haha. he thinks he is a party animal, which could be very true. haha. i am laughing right now thinking of you signing this baby. hahaha. your cute & your mine & i love you! :)
last night we had a bonfire. me marissa and some of our good friends. it was really nice. i enjoy being chill with them. there were times i wished joe was there, but there were other times i felt him standing right behind me. i know he was there. i just wish i could have been cuddled up with him. bleh. annoying. anyway. today were off to church with Gaga & Pops, haven't seen pops in a long time! it is always nice to spend time with them. they are always so receptive to how I'm feeling and what I'm saying.
hope you all enjoy your weekend.
Akon- Party Animal
joe loved akon and he says this song is about him. haha. he thinks he is a party animal, which could be very true. haha. i am laughing right now thinking of you signing this baby. hahaha. your cute & your mine & i love you! :)
Friday, September 23, 2011
day 23.
23 days. ugh. so so so many days.
Akon- Right Now (Na na na)
Joe loves Akon. like i swear. he was his biggest fan. but anyway. Joe loved this song before he knew me. Joe always had music before it was on the radio so when he played this song for me i had NEVER heard it and i was like uhh? this is insane. but now i wish he would have showed me where he got this music, i always said i didn't care. but then i never expected him to not be here to find music for me. ugh. things you take for granted.
today is friday. fridays are hard. joe LOVES fridays and saturday morning. :( id give anything to have another chipotle & movie night with my baby.
tonight I'm headed to KI. maybe that will release some adrenaline. we shall see!
<3 you babyboo.
Akon- Right Now (Na na na)
Joe loves Akon. like i swear. he was his biggest fan. but anyway. Joe loved this song before he knew me. Joe always had music before it was on the radio so when he played this song for me i had NEVER heard it and i was like uhh? this is insane. but now i wish he would have showed me where he got this music, i always said i didn't care. but then i never expected him to not be here to find music for me. ugh. things you take for granted.
today is friday. fridays are hard. joe LOVES fridays and saturday morning. :( id give anything to have another chipotle & movie night with my baby.
tonight I'm headed to KI. maybe that will release some adrenaline. we shall see!
<3 you babyboo.
Thursday, September 22, 2011
day 22.
**warning this will be a long post, its that kinda day..**
coworker- "how are you today?"
me- " lonely. today i feel lonely."
coworker-" lonely? why is that?"
me-"uh?"
coworker-" then take that ring off your finger and do something about it."
really? who says that to someone? i know she meant well, but really?! she is the SWEETEST girl alive and i know she is just looking out for me. but do you really say that to someone?!?! noooo. not after 2 months. at least not in my book.
so today, i am looking at my ring. and thinking of all the reasons i still wear it. i think of when and where i was when he gave it to me, i think about the fact that it came in the mail a week after he died, for a reason. he made sure it came that late to remind me i am still his and he still loves me even though he is not here. i think about the fact that i don't have to listen to a coworker and i can do what i want. but i still feel very defensive about my cute little diamond ring. hmm.
i am super over people dismissing my emotions and thinking i should be okay and ready to date by now. i do feel lonely. and i do feel like I'm seeking companionship but thats ALL i call it. i just want someone to talk to. i want that manly figure back in my life. but then i have guy friends and all i do is compare them to joe. and none of them compare. boooo. oh well. i will never replace my joe and i need to accept that and stop looking for someone to compare to him.
i have discovered just how angry i am. i am SO angry and i don't want to be angry but i can't make it stop. i am mad. and i think i am starting to be mad at joe. i feel like he left me. i know he didn't do it on purpose but i just feel like he left me. he left me on my own. and i am DEF mad at God. He took my joe. He took my everything. He gives me this amazing man and amazing life. He gives me a newborn. He gives me a life and then he takes it away. Now I am alone. I am alone with a baby. awesome. And I blame God. I blame him for all this and I shouldn't . I should NOT but i can't make it STOP. ugh idk.
anyway, this is the song thats playing on my iTunes right now and it reminds me of joe, since this IS my Joe playlist ;)
RIZ- She's Like A Star
<333
baby, wherever you are. i love you. & i miss you. & you better not have a new girlfriend. I am jealous just thinking about it. fakjfkl! why do i go there! blah. i miss you. come home to us. just make God give you back. your mine and I wasn't ready to give you up. so, yeah. REDO please. FOUL PLAY! i love you, to the moon and back my sweet prince. rest assured, you still have my heart. I'm sure your carrying it around everywhere you go. can you fix it though? like glue the pieces back together cause it hurts. a lot. i miss you boo.
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
day 21. 2 whole months.
today marks 2 months that i have been without the person i love. without the person who made me function every day. without my other half. Its ONLY been 2 months, and it feels like its been 5 years. every day that ticks by goes on forever. i had a really rough morning. I've been up since about 330am. just laying there. crying. crying. crying. all i do is cry but this was like a heartbreaking cry. i got up, got alexis up, got dressed, went to work. on the way to work, its POURING down rain here today. maybe thats a sign. maybe my joe is sad he has been away from me for 2 months? idk. but the rain didn't help. i sobbed. and i yelled. i yelled at God. should i do that? no. but i just don't get it. how do you take someone away from someone like that?! how does that happen?! who does that?! so after i SCREAMED at God. DEMANDED that he give joe back, nothing happened. and that was a weird feeling. it was at that point i think i finally broke. There was a huge crack in my heart, but I think it finally broke this morning. and i felt it physically. I felt like my heart was breaking. and I realized just how broken and lonely i am. I am so alone. I miss joe. I miss my life with him. all of this i knew already, but today when i demanded him back, and nothing happened I think i realized fully that he is never coming back. I can't have him anymore. He is gone, and no one or anything can change that. I am just alone. Its just me in this world. No more Me & Joe, no more mom & dad for alexis, no more Future Mrs Carter, no more girlfriend and boyfriend. Its just Kayla. Just Mom. Just me. and thats a sad sad truth. i don't know how to accept that. I don't know how to accept that I'm broken. I don't know how to accept that never again will I be whole like I was on July 20th 2011, or even the morning of July 21st, 2011. As of July 21st, 2011 at 10:32 pm, I am this human. This human who is all alone. This human who shouldn't even be named Kayla Rose. because i am NO LONGER Kayla Rose. I am someone else. Someone completely different. I am lost. and i don't know if i have another word for it. Lost, Broken, and Alone.
today i have no song. there is no song for this day. I thought about making our song the song for today, but today there is just silence. my world is silent.
today i have no song. there is no song for this day. I thought about making our song the song for today, but today there is just silence. my world is silent.
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
day 20.
tomorrow is 2 months..can i pretend tomorrow isn't happening?? cause i want to.
Lady A- Just a Kiss
Lady A- Just a Kiss
joe loved this song. i love this song. i love joe.
I'm sorry. my blogs suck the last 2 days. I'm struggling with 2 months. someone shoot me now and let me be with joe.
Monday, September 19, 2011
day 19.
Owl City- Hello Seattle
Joe LOVES owl city. I LOVE this song. fair enough right? We also owned this CD, and that is saying something. Joe NEVER bought CDs. he would prefer to burn them..illegally. lol. but he loved the way this music sounded. and now, i think about him every time i hear it. i love this music and i love him.
today i don't have much to say. I'm just kinda down today. like everyday. wednesday is 2 months. and i was supposed to be off and now i have to work. shoot me now.
Sunday, September 18, 2011
day 17 & 18 & my birthday
So, I didn't blog yesterday. Yesterday was a rough day for me. Happy birthday to me.. i think. My birthday was actually really nice. It started out rough. I was super sad, I thought my friends were going to bail on me, I was super upset, and then I started really missing Joe. If he was here he would have made sure my birthday was recognized is what i kept saying. and i felt 100% neglected. but things came around. I went out with Nick Mat and Adam to dinner and a movie on the river. Which was super nice. They are sweet guys. They were all Joes friends from high school who i have adopted as my own now. I just love all of them. They really put some effort into my birthday, which meant a lot. We went back to their apt afterwards and some of my ladies came over and we celebrated. such a nice time. Story details available upon request ;) Although I was sad, I wished Joe was there, It was nice. I was able to enjoy myself. I laughed a genuine laugh for the first time in 4 months. I had fun with people that i love being around and thats what matters. Joe gave me last night, he knew I needed it. I deserved it. And he was there playing games and laughing with me. I felt him.
Today I went to my cousins baby shower. It made me a little sad because it made me remember my baby shower, and that point in my life this time last year. We were happy. Planning for our baby. Planning for our future. And now my future is gone. but I am so happy for her and I cannot wait to meet Bryn.
After that Alexis and I made it to our 2nd party of the day ( 3rd for me!) my nephew Macs birthday celebration. It was actually a celebration of all the september birthdays with extra emphasis on Mac :) Now, some of you will say that he isn't my nephew, which technically he isn't, but i view him as family. i view all of them as family. i love them. it was nice, it really was. i love spending time with them. but i also started missing joe so so much. i wanted him there with me celebrating our birthdays. family events are always tough. i just want my joe there to celebrate with. its just not the same without him and i kinda always feel like the odd ball out, even though i know they all love me and alexis and support us in every way.
anyway, now that i have typed a novel! I am going to post my songs and get my life back to normal. the birthday party weekend is over and life must go on.
baby, i thank you for this weekend. i know you gave me this weekend because you know i couldn't take much more. you know that i needed it and that i deserve a day of non insanity and a day to try and be happy. i tired, and i had moments of happiness and i know that you gave them to me. you must have missed my laugh cause you brought it back for one night. and i love you for that. i miss you so so much. & i couldnt love you more than i do now. <3
so day 17 is Akon- Angel
joe and i saw this song on a VS commercial and we just loved it. He is in love with akon and i am in love with this song. Joe is always my angel. <3
and day 18 is Scotty McCreery- I Love You This Big
Today I went to my cousins baby shower. It made me a little sad because it made me remember my baby shower, and that point in my life this time last year. We were happy. Planning for our baby. Planning for our future. And now my future is gone. but I am so happy for her and I cannot wait to meet Bryn.
After that Alexis and I made it to our 2nd party of the day ( 3rd for me!) my nephew Macs birthday celebration. It was actually a celebration of all the september birthdays with extra emphasis on Mac :) Now, some of you will say that he isn't my nephew, which technically he isn't, but i view him as family. i view all of them as family. i love them. it was nice, it really was. i love spending time with them. but i also started missing joe so so much. i wanted him there with me celebrating our birthdays. family events are always tough. i just want my joe there to celebrate with. its just not the same without him and i kinda always feel like the odd ball out, even though i know they all love me and alexis and support us in every way.
anyway, now that i have typed a novel! I am going to post my songs and get my life back to normal. the birthday party weekend is over and life must go on.
baby, i thank you for this weekend. i know you gave me this weekend because you know i couldn't take much more. you know that i needed it and that i deserve a day of non insanity and a day to try and be happy. i tired, and i had moments of happiness and i know that you gave them to me. you must have missed my laugh cause you brought it back for one night. and i love you for that. i miss you so so much. & i couldnt love you more than i do now. <3
so day 17 is Akon- Angel
joe and i saw this song on a VS commercial and we just loved it. He is in love with akon and i am in love with this song. Joe is always my angel. <3
and day 18 is Scotty McCreery- I Love You This Big
this song has no joe story, but i love this song. it really reminds me of joe. i do love him so much. and the lyrics speak right to how i feel. I first heard this song when joe was in the hospital and i thought about joe right away when i did. this is a joe song. he wasn't a huge country music fan, but he heard this song while he was unconscious and i know he would like it. its a kayla & joe song. yep we have our own genre :) i love you this big handsome man.
xoxoxo.
Friday, September 16, 2011
day 16.
"there are billions of people in this world and it only takes the loss of one to make me feel completely alone"
more kesha. cheating? nah this is my own game! like i said, Joe LOVES kesha. and honestly, i LOVE this song. When I first heard it on the CD I played it like 9 million times. haha. Joe was super sick of it! but its true, I am addicted to loving him. I will always love him and I enjoy it. I enjoy loving him, even though he isn't here anymore, weird? maybe. idk. i don't think it is. i love him and i love knowing he loves me too. feeling loved is a great feeling. but makes me miss him a little more than i did before i thought about this.
today is the day before my birthday. ugh. i keep talking to joe and telling him 1 day till my birthday just like i would if he was here :) and i know he hears me. but honestly, I'm not super excited. shh don't tell him. its just not the same without him. i miss him and i want him here to celebrate with. Tomorrow some of Joes awesome friends, who are now very special to me, are taking me out. such sweet boys :) taking the poor pitiful girl out on her birthday. haha. oh well, i appreciate it. The girls at work got me a nice balloon and cookies :) so sweet. Sunday is my cousins baby shower and Macs birthday! I am so glad I don't have to spend my weekend alone, although i always feel alone since Joe is gone. Surrounded by a million people i could still feel alone.
I made it through 8 weeks, only 8 thousand more weeks to go. ugh such a horrible thought. :(
babycakes- i miss you. come home to me. we need you. i need you. :( i am and always will be loving you handsome :)
Thursday, September 15, 2011
day 15 & 8 weeks.
So its 10:00 and I'm just now blogging. i am sorry.
Today is a big day.
Todays song is Beyonce- Halo
Today is a big day.
Todays song is Beyonce- Halo
joe is my angel, so this song is self explanatory.
i don't have many words today. today is 8 weeks. 8 WHOLE weeks, 56 WHOLE days. thats a long time. and I miss him. Next wednesday will be 2 months. that is a longer time. and I am not okay with all this time thats passing. At this moment 56 days ago, i was crying in the love of my life's lap as he was unresponsive and we were just waiting for them to turn off the machine that was keeping his heart, the heart i love so much, the sound i NEEDED to function, might as well be my heart, beating. god that sounds so miserable. it is miserable what am i talking about. my life, its miserable. i miss my man. can it get anymore simple yet complex than that?
i will write more tomorrow, tonight i have no words.
<3 you angel.
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