I've realized im..

angry.

its true.

I'm mad. at joe i think.

is this fair?  no.
don't hate on the dead boyfriend kayla.
but i am.

as i said in my last post, i am struggling. with my identity. and my happiness.

and I've figured it out, i think. well some of it has to do with i hate my job. i wanna be on my own again. i wanna have more money. i wanna be stable. blah blah.

but heres the kicker,

he died. and he took my everything. everything that made me happy, he took it with him.

my future. my wedding. my house. my future kids. my rings. my love. my heart. my happiness.
he took it all with him. because every single one of those things revolved around him. he was my future and he took it with him when he left. so now, I'm left. without the love of my life, without my future, without anything but tears and anger.

now, is being mad at him a smart thing?
no. he didn't CHOOSE to die. he didn't CHOOSE to take my life with him. but he did.
and its annoying. he took my happiness. and i can't seem to figure out how to get it back.


so i sit here, listening to music that makes me think of him, crying like a fool, being mad at the best thing that ever happened to me because he took himself away from me because he was sick. because the doctors didn't do their job. because God decided it was his time.

im not one to mess with God. but I'm kinda mad at him too.
im kinda not happy He decided he wanted MY JOE back. there are 3000000000000049494 people in this world, and you take the only thing that kept me standing on my feet.

thanks big guy.


joseph carter- i miss you. i miss you more than anything i could ever write on here or yell at you in the car. every breath i take burns a little more. every morning i roll over and I'm alone. every time i get good news or am SUPER pissed at work i keep it to myself or go to the cemetery and talk to the ground. i could use a boyfriend hug. a nose rub and a kiss, and you to tell me it would be okay. i would do anything to talk to you. i would even do your NASTY DIRTY panera laundry. just come home. just visit me one more time. send me one more text. one more. one more anything. missing you lover. i hope your enjoying the spring weather up there. keep your arms around me. xoxoxo.

my struggle.

everyday i struggle with my loss.

not only did i lose Joe, but i lost everything he was to me.
my best friend, my future, the father of my baby, the father of my future children, my muscles, my mr fix it, my doctor when i was sick, my encouragement, my everyday, my repair man, my other half, my sleeping partner, my cuddle bug, the one who changed the cat box, the one who carried the groceries, the one who carried alexis' carseat, the one who drove me around, the one who put the smile on my face

anyway, i lost my everything. my life. my love. my everyday.

but during all of this loss, i have lost myself.

joe and i have been together since my junior year of HIGH SCHOOL.
i was 17. we moved out together a month after i turned 18 and thats how its been.
he was there the day i graduated. he was there my first day of college. he was there for the first day of my first real full time job. he was there the day i found out i was pregnant. he was there the day i had our baby.

basically, every MAJOR thing I've EVER done in my life, he was standing right next to me. holding my hand. and now, I'm alone. facing my biggest challenge yet. and what do i do?

who am i without joe?

i know i am alexis' mom. and i know i am a 'widow' and i know i am a sister to my siblings. and i know i am a daughter to my parents and to joes parents now too. i know i am an 'aunt' to my incredible 'nephews' (joes nephews). i know i am a ' sister in law' to joes siblings. i know i am a best friend to my besties.

but take all that away and who do you have?
this is where i struggle.
this is why i am living in the dark.
i don't know who i am.
or who i want to be.

here is what i know so far,
-i know i want to carry on my memory of joe forever. i want my life to reflect the woman he wants me to be and my love for him and the life we had.
-i know i want to help someone. lots of people.  through this challenge, i have met some of the most incredible people who have carried me. if it wasn't for tameka, ms karen, crossroads, my family, and my friends i would be no where. and i want to be able to help someone the way they have helped me. i want to make a change in someones life.
-i know i want to be a good an INCREDIBLE mom. i want to give her the world plus some.
-i know i want to be "happy"

but how do i get to this point?
well, i still have a ways to go. but this blog is where I'm tracking my progress.

so here goes nothing.
a step in the right direction.

baby, i miss you more with every breath i take. you will always be my number one.
you have the key to my lock. you know what i mean by that <3
xoxoxox.

highway exit.

so everyday i go to work.
i take the same way every. single. day.
well, every. single. day. i have epic meltdown. if its not literal tears, its anxiety hyperventilation.
why you ask?
the highway exit i take has a left or right option like most highway exits..
turn right? the FIRST thing you see is the cemetery where my love is buried. his grave is so close to the highway i feel like i can see it from the road.
turn left? about a half a mile down the road is the hospital. where he died. the last place i saw my beloved joe alive.

f this road. seriously.
so everyday i turn right to go to work, and i stare at the place where my man is. the cold, grass covered ground that holds the box that holds the body that i held close to me every night. the box that holds my heart. the box that holds my everything. my best friend. my love. my life. my future. my joe.

the box that i think about everyday.

:( :( :(

i just want his arms around me. telling me everything is going to be okay. i just want to know he loves me and he is here with me. i want to hear "girlfriend girlfriend. i love love you" really he could tell me he hated me as long as he was here and speaking to me id take it. id take anything at this point.

its been 7 months. 7 whole months without that smile. without that voice. without my everything.
how have i survived this long?

we have a rough couple months ahead. so wish me luck.
april- joes birthday. our anniversary.
july- one year.
sept- my birthday.
oct-jan- holidays again.

its a continuous cycle.
:(

miss you baby boo. xoxoxo. sending my love thousands of miles away.

happy valentines day

happy love day my love.

this day last year. what happened?
lets see.
you gave me the cutest little bear.
you bought me new tennis shoes because you told me my other ones smelled and were stretched out from my ENLARGED post baby feet.
you took me to toots because you knew i needed fried pickles.
you gave me this spiel that made me CRY like an infant about how you could never live without me and how you couldn't ask for a better woman or mother to your child.- at the time i thought it was sappy and i cried like a baby in a public restaurant., today i think its probably the most important words you ever said to me.
you gave me a card that i read on a daily basis "you'll never spend another valentines day without me"

most importantly,
you were my valentine.
you loved me.
and you spend the day with me.

this year?
ill be taking your child to day care.
going to get my hair done to try to make myself feel a little bit better.
going to the cemetery at some point to give you your valentine :)
thinking of you all day.

i love you joe carter.
there is nothing more than i could ask for than to have you as my valentine.
so will you be my valentine all the way from way above?
okay good :)
im so very thankful for our 3 valentines days together.
you restored my faith in such an awful holiday.
i love you baby boo, to the moon and back.

xoxoxo.
thinking of you always my love <3

oh yeah i got a tattoo.

Joe Carter

• hey baby
  hey... its like 230 in the morning.. but i cant sleeeep... like i really cant thnk straight anytime i try to sleep i thnk of us and how much i wanna just be with u right now... i wish more than anything we were together right now.. im all sad and lonley.. i miss u alot and thought id message u ... just know im thnking of u baby.. ill talk to u soon...
  
  
  
  
  this is my very first message from joe that stayed on FB since all the changes. this is April 2008. i read it constantly because this is how i feel. "any time i try to sleep i think of us and how much i wanna just be with you right now." i feel like this everyday. i just want to be with him. i just want him to tell me everything is okay. i want him to tell me that he loves me and that were getting married in april. i want a new ring. i want a white dress. i want another baby. i want want want. i want my big strong man to be the one holding my hand when I'm getting a tattoo. i want my life back. i want my future back. I've been robbed and I'm not okay with that.
  
  
  oh, yeah. i got a tattoo. and i love it. and its all for him. he would be SO pissed. but that makes it a little better :p 
  
  it says, " i thank God in every remembrance of you" phil 1:3.
  its a verse that i will always remember joe to. i thank God everyday for my memories and my life with him. there was little to no pain when i got it done. and i feel much more at peace now. i have part of him on my body forever.
  
  
  
  
  joe carter- i could kick your italian but for giving me a baby who is JUST like you and making me raise her alone. but in the end, i love you. more than anything and i love her more than anything. if i didn't have her i wouldn't have gotten out of bed on july 22nd and id still be there. i miss you. i ache for you. id give anything to hear your voice. even if it was you telling me how blonde i am or you could even tell me I'm an idiot. just as long as i heard your voice, it was real and you were talking to me. 
  
  
  
  
  come home my love. i need you.
  xoxox. 

so i thought,

so i thought i was okay. i really really did.
but I'm not.

lately. I'm just not myself.
I'm reserved, lifeless, and monotone.

i enjoy hardly nothing.
I'm on edge every day.
i don't treat the people in my life on any level they deserve to be treated.

I'm just blah.
i miss my life.
i miss my joe.
i miss my world.

this one I'm living in, its just not mine. and i don't want to be here anymore.

wheres the exit?

I'm ABSOLUTELY dreading valentines day.
but thats another post for another day.

my blanket.

so i am a blanket person. and I'm a sentimental person. so blankets are very sentimental to me. i can tell you where i bought or got all of my blankets.

the blanket on my bed that i sleep with every night has a special place in my heart.

one day i got off work HUGELY pregnant and frazzled. i was just DONE. and joe was like i have something for you. i was like can it wait until tomorrow cause i just want to go to bed? and he was like no you need to open it before you go to sleep. so i open this purple bag and inside is the softest, warmest looking fleece blanket. it had the cat from the johnny depp alice in wonderland on it. this was our movie. i made him go see it 3 times in theater and buy it on dvd the day it came out! i LOVE this movie. and he knew it. and he knew i loved blankets. so he put them together and bought me this blanket. and it was just what i needed. i have slept with it every night since. it went to the hospital with me when alexis was born and everything. every time i look at this blanket i think of him and how he would do little things like that for me to let me know he loves me. i miss the little things. the way he would bring me a panera dr pepper EVERYDAY because he knew i LOVED the panera dr pepper. there is just something about it. or the way he bought me a new pair of tennis shoes with these soft gel inserts when my pregnant feet swelled up to a point it hurt to walk or wear shoes. he bought these "magic" pink tennis shoes he called them and they really made a huge difference. he always thought of me. me and alexis. he always put us first. for this, i will forever be grateful. some women never get to experience that.

so tonight, me and my blanket are cuddling and I'm wishing i could figure out why my life is taking this path. I'm missing him and wishing he was here to tell me it was going to be okay.

my life will never been the same. never ever. i am forever this changed woman and i just don't know how to take that.

i am very anxious in figuring out how my story and my grief can help someone else. i am just looking for the right opportunity. out of all of this i would love to give someone the gift of comfort like i have been giving through all of my widow friends. i just want to be the someone in their life that "gets it".

one day.

but for now,  I'm going to enjoy my sleeping baby and cuddle with my blanket and remember the happy days.


xoxoxo i miss you baby. thank you for my blanket. and thank you for my memories. thank you for spending 3 years with me and making them the best 3 years. i love you to the moon and back. forever & ever babe.