trust.

trust (n):reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., of aperson or thing; confidence.

trust is something i struggle incredibly with.

i have a hard time believing people.

and when i do, i expect that they deserve it and will not INTENTIONALLY hurt me.

well,

if you follow me you know that is FAR from the truth. 

i have let the wrong people in at that wrong times in my life.

for years now.

i have few people i feel i can truly trust.

but heres my dilemma.

can you learn to "retrust" someone who has highly let you down?

who directly lied to you more than once?

can people change? 

can people go from being a liar to being honest?

when you have true feeling for someone do you do whatever it takes to get to that point?

am i too young to deal with this? 

I'm literally going crazy. 

there are a few people in my life lately that i just don't trust.

but i want to learn to trust them again.

they are good people.

and i love having them around.

but heres the deal.

you can't have someone in your life that you don't trust. 

but i want them in my life so i need to trust them.

so i guess,

is it possible to trust someone after they have hurt you so bad?

last week was an incredible week.

this week will be rough.

I'm hoping next week will be better.

things should go up from here.

thats the hopes.

lets just hope it works out. 

putting a little trust in fate/faith/hope.

we will see how badly i can get let down again.

<3

i miss you. you know that. but you also know that its been almost a whole year. and no matter how much i love you and how deep our love is, i deserve to move on. i deserve a man who will treat me right. i deserve to be loved. so I'm just asking that you help me out baby. i will always love you and you will always be my main man. but your so far away. and sometimes i just need a physical hug or kiss to relax. please babe. i hope your being good. xoxo.

progress.

so in january i made a "to do list" of things i wanted to do this year.

so i want to go through it now since we are about half way through the year already (YIKES)

and see where I'm at.

1. be less afraid. being afraid has caused me to miss out on so much in the last 5 months. its going to happen if I'm afraid or not, so be less afraid.--still working on this one. 
2. make it 2 whole days without crying. i know its not something i can control. but I'm hoping through these other goals i can make it to that point.--i can say this has happened! 
3. let myself be happy. let myself enjoy the sun. and life with alexis. i have spent so much time lately being sad and not wanting to be happy because it felt 'wrong' but you want me to be happy.--i will say i have felt happiness again. i never thought i could but i have. 
4. remember the good times and not just the month of july.- I'm good at this too. i still remember the bad but i try to remember the good too.
5. feel your presence more. cause i know your with me everyday.--i fail. i have only felt you a couple times :( 
6. spend more time in prayer. God is the only thing thats going to make this any easier.--sadly I'm bad about this too. :( MUST work on this. 
7. spend more time at the cemetery. i want to make the time to be close to you because i know you make the time to be with me everyday.--this is a halfsie. i spend more time than i did there. but not enough time there by far. 
8. make sure alexis knows all about you. were already working towards it and she does know you but with her getting older, over the next 12 months i want her to KNOW you. so i may need help from our friends and family on this one.--yes. we talk about you everyday! 
9. spend less money. i have been spending so much money to try and fill the void in my chest that was left by you, but its not working and I'm broke. you would be so mad. lol ;)--NO and i HAVE to make this one happen. 
10. change my relationship status on Facebook. although we will never be apart, its something we both know has to be done and i am hoping in 2012 i will have the strength to do so.--i did it. it almost killed me but i did it. 
11. stop comparing everyone i meet to you. no one will ever be my joe, but there are people out there who are just as fantastic as you are and i never give them the credit they deserve.-- nope. 
12. be closer with your family. we are already close, but i want to feel like part of the family. we will see.-- working on it. 
13. be more open about my grief. i seem to keep it in a closet sometimes and pretend I'm okay when I'm not.-- ABSOLUTELY not. and i am SO mad about this. i have surprised it so far, sometimes i am unaware of it. not okay. 
14. get my tattoo.--can gladly say that Feb 11th i took care of this. and i am IN LOVE with it.15. start my book. i WILL write a book and i want to get started on it now.--not yet :( 

16. help someone this may be the most important one. i want to give someone the help i received from Tameka, Ms Karen, Ms Kathy, and our family. my life wouldn't be where it is unless i had them and I want to give someone the help I received.-- not yet either on this one :( 
17. spend more time one on one with alexis. she's getting too big too fast.--we spend time together everyday. 
18. scrapbook. i want to finish our scrapbook and start alexis'-- i fail at this too. :( 
19. blog more often. i am a horrible blogger and i need to be more consistent. i also need to blog about being happy and not just being sad.--im an avid blogger now :) 
20. move out and stand on my own 2 feet.--working on it.
21. sell the car. this will be so hard, but its something we have talked about and it has to happen. the 2 door sports car isn't for a mommy anymore. :(--i did this in january. so sad. hardest thing I've ever done. but i LOVE my new car and i know joe would too. 

so i have 8 of 21. 

in 6 months. i have a lot of things to get to work on.

but 8 is better than 0. 

yesterday was 11 months.

the final countdown is on.

29 days until its been 365 days since I've been next to my joe.

since I've seen those brown eyes open and alert.

a lot of 1 year markers are coming up 

i spent the majority of the night re reading my updates when he was in the hospital and my previous blog posts. 

that was hard.

it brings back a lot of emotion.

but makes me so glad i blog/write to him.

i can remember the pain. and see the roller coaster play out.

and one day alexis will be able to read it. 

and know how i felt.

and how hard her daddy fought.

for her.

for us.

for him.

life is rough.

but it goes on.

differently.

but it continues.

one thing remains the same though.

i miss him.

i will always miss him.

and i can't believe its almost been a year without him.

blog overload.

i am on a blogger overload.

so be prepared to see a million blog posts for the next couple weeks. 

i am on an emotional ROLLER COASTER.

one minute I'm fine. and I'm embracing my new "normal"

I'm ready to start dating.

and I'm totally into the people I'm talking to.

and in the blink of an eye I'm taken back.

all it takes is a picture. or a song. or a memory.

and I'm back at the starting line.

i miss him.

and it is a burning aching pain id give ANYTHING in this world to make stop.

the feeling of true loss is an unbelievable feeling.

that you don't understand until you go through it.

and even then i still don't understand it.

I'm trying very very hard to put the pieces back together. 

trying to start a new life and keep my old life a part of it.

but its very difficult.

don't get me wrong.

i am ready to move forward.

i want to move forward more than anything.

i want to find a man who will love me and alexis in a way we deserve.

who will understand my situation to the best of his ability and accept me for it.

im a package deal; me alexis and our story.

there IS a man out there that can handle that.

and when i meet him.

hes mine.

but for tonight.

I'm going to post some pictures that have taken me to this place tonight.

this was the first picture we ever took together. he was PISSED that i would NOT stop taking his picture. but i loved it. this was one of the first times i could publicly call him mine. and it was an amazing feeling. we are so happy, so carefree, so young in this picture (may 2009)

we spent the day at the zoo this day. i had been DYING to go to the zoo. so i drug his ass there. and he LOVED it. this is the day he got his nick name baby tiger because of the baby tigers that he loved. we are both trying to keep ourselves from laughing. because this is in a string of like 90 pictures i took of us. haha. :) 

and i thought i loved him before this moment, then this happened. he held our baby for the very first time. i didn't know you could fall more in love with someone just for them loving someone else. no our relationship wasn't perfect at the time. we were struggling IMMENSELY but for one minute all was okay. all was perfect. you could see in his eyes he was 100% in love with her and our lives were changed forever.

the things id give to go back to these moments,

hell any moment.

:sigh:

miss you angel boy. no other words tonight. just that i miss you. more than i ever dreamed. 

xoxo. 

one year/fathers day

happy fathers day.

today is a day i have been dreading for quite some time.

today has significant meaning to it. 

today is not only fathers day.

what should be Joes SECOND fathers day.

but it marks one year.

one year since we walked into the emergency room and didn't leave the hospital. 

the beginning of the end.

from this day on, all of my "this day one year ago" will involve a hospital or him being gone. 

idk if I'm ready for that.

i feel like the next 4 weeks are going to take me backwards. 

take me back to a place i don't want to be. i want things back to normal. 

i miss him. 

i miss feeling like a whole person.

i miss having a best friend.

I'm anxious.

im worried.

I'm sad.

im unsure.

i don't know how to react.

or how to handle the weeks that are coming.

one day at a time.

when that becomes too much,

one moment at a time.

embrace the tears.

embrace the smile.

embrace the sadness.

embrace the happiness.

just go with the moment i guess.

things changed this weekend.

some crazy stuff went down.

but i enjoyed every minute of it.

can't wait to see where my new paths are going to take me.

oh.

and i got my lip pierced.

spur of the moment choice.

and i LOVE it.

its so nice to be able to do something that people aren't going to expect and that is ALL about me.

some will judge.

some will say its "un motherly"

but guess what.

don't care. :)

you can stop now.

so idk if any of you noticed, i know some of you did, but my blog was private.

for like 2 days.

and then i was DONE with that nonsense. 

i refuse to let someone else dictate my life.

someone i don't even know.

now this person is going to read this.

and its going to start mass bull shit drama. 

but i DO NOT GIVE A DAMN.

i am NOT writing anything i shouldn't be.

this is MY blog.

you have to make the CHOICE to read it.

and honestly? if you don't approve, there are other blogs to read.

other girls to stalk online.

I'm over it.

im not saying anything about you, my life is not centered around your drama

I'm no longer doing anything i shouldn't be either.

i let that go WEEKS ago.

and the fact that your STILL following me online is insane.

so this is me, being done with the nonsense. 

we are all adults.

and this needs to stop.

so, run to whoever you need to run to.

and print out whatever you need to print out.

and think I'm writing "poemesque" bullshit about you.

i don't care anymore.

I'm sure ill get bitched out about this post too,

and I'm ready for that when that happens.

because i don't deserve this nonsense.

and you need to let me be

i let him be and he let me be.

so heres my advice

get a hobby crazy.

I'm going to keep blogging.

and guess what, its going to CONTINUE to not be about you.

good lord.

sorry ladies, mini rant is OVER. 

this crazy girl has had E N O U G H 

many of you can relate right?! 

you just reach that point. 

and you SNAP.

and your done with the bull shit.

and the insane people being in your business.

yep.

I've hit that point.

today starts a new beginning. 

with or without people "watching me" online.

:) 

weekend.

i had such a nice weekend.

up until sunday i didn't feel like i was unable to breathe. 

the numbness was still very much there but i was able to have fun.

we had a pity party party weekend.

me my bestie and cindy. it was epiccccc.

friday: work sucked and the day was shit. so we had a campfire and had some adult beverages. :)

always a good time.

cindy and marissa chased a truck down the street and we read some awesome wonka quotes.

saturday: got to sleep until 10 am for the first time in FOREVER 

then laid by the pool all day. 

then saturday night we went to a dirt race track.

if you know me,

you know this is NOT my scene. and it was obvious. lol.

but we had SO much fun.

so much laughter. so much girl time. 

perfect.

so many inside jokes.

then we went home.

and watched old school rap videos

and laughed some more.

sunday: more laying around the pool. 

all in all, 

it was a fantastic weekend.

it was great to just let it all go.

the sadness crept back on sunday. 

and it stuck around today.

i finally told my full story to the girls i work with.

and they cried.

i wanted to cry too.

but when i tell our story,

it makes my memories more alive. 

id give anything for him to be here to see that i have survived the last year.

and to see that i do love him.

i do miss him.

i do wish i could turn back time and make things right.

these are all things he doubted.

makes me so sad he doubted me. :(

but.

i will live.

fathers day is this weekend.

that marks one WHOLE year since the day he walked into bethesda north hospital and didn't come out.

that will be an interesting day this weekend.

lord help me.

i may be found at the bottom of a jack daniels bottle this weekend :/ 

we will see. 

<3

i miss you boo. & you still have my heart. forever & ever babe. 

just plain missing him.

i can't do it anymore.

im tired of the emptiness.

usually when something becomes empty, it becomes lighter. 

but not me. not this time. 

i have become so heavy.

emotionally.

i can't even bear it.

i feel like i carry 9000000 lbs on my shoulders.

I'm just done. 

emotionally worn out.

easily put?

i miss him.

i just want to go back to this day one year ago.

i can't say that for much longer.

and that scares me.

its almost been 365 days since I've seen that handsome face.

its exhausting being alone.

being a young 'widowed' mom is horribly exhausting.

along with some other shit i have going on.

i am d.o.n.e.

i NEED my vacation now.

and its like 2 months away. 

yikessss.

will i make it?

yeah.

cause this is like my cruel torture. 

everyday, no matter how hard the day is, i wake up and i live through the day. 

me and the pain, we just keep on going.

its like a sick joke. 

but i deal.

its like part of me.

i think if it went away id feel naked.

not that id mind at this point.

its my new "normal" that everyone talks about.

i HATE it.

my other normal was JUST fine.

but oh well right? 

i WILL live. 

babyyyyyboo. i LOVE you. if only i had words for how much i miss you. i wish i could tell you that i appreciate you. we were not perfect. hell we were FAR from perfect. but we made it work. we were us. and we were making things work. i didn't know i could miss someone like i miss you. you changed my life and life will never be the same without you. everyday i look at your daughter and i smile but then i tear up a little. she deserves to know you. she deserves to hear her daddy tell her he loves her. i can hear you saying it now. blah. its been such a long time since I've touched your face. or heard your voice. i just want things to be back to normal. i hope you know i still love you. i may be making a horribly awful attempt at finding a new man, which is proving to be quite the trip, but i will always love you. and i will always miss you. i hope your having fun up there and being a good boy. say hi to your mama for me. and give my jack jack my love. never leave my side boo <3 i love you so much joe carter.  you will forever be mine and me yours. xoxoxo. 

dating

I'm on a blogging role.

but i feel that if i don't blog, I'm going to lose it.

to put it simply, I've had ENOUGH. 

e.n.o.u.g.h.

with dating that is.

its annoying. ridiculous. unfair. and frustrating. 

so before joe, i had only dated like high school idiots.

I've never had to "date" as an "adult"

and i never planned on doing it.

i was okay with that.

guys in their 20s are SICK. like off the wall bat shit cray.

so it took me a while to feel okay with dating after my loss.

but i did it.

and i have found the crazy of the crazies.

I've had it all i think.

I've went out with...

obsessively clingy. no thank you.

the guy who could really care less but SWEARS he does care. um again, no thanks.

crazy ass sex crazed monster. no thank you once more.

the REAL kicker, the boy who i though i was going to make something with for sure but OH WAIT, he has a girlfriend. a LONG TERM girlfriend. WTF?! that situation was beyond screwed up. lost my best guy friend and the guy i wanted to be with on that one. but YET AGAIN.... NO THANKS. 

pull myself up outta that one, 

and i get the boy who seems so great on paper, but just stops talking to me.

fan-freaking-tastic.

what is it about me that attracts the insane ones to me?

do i have a tat with invisible ink on my forehead that says 'USE AND ABUSE ME" 

or "BREAK MY HEART A LITTLE MORE"

or "CRAZIES WELCOME"

last time i checked, no. but something about me attracts it.

now since i am a woman, or a human with like at least 1% respect for OTHER human beings.

you would think that after these people hear my story, know i have been through hell and back in 10 months, they would be like hey, she doesn't deserve what i am about to do to her. but no.

they don't see it that way.

now, i DO NOT welcome pity and people feeling sorry for me. 

but i DO expect respect from other people.

so, when you KNOW you have a girlfriend and i have TOLD you my story and that i am NOT looking to screw around and you CONTINUE to play me...for 3 MONTHS.

hmmm.

or the boy who knew i wasn't looking for a hook up, and then he was UPSET when thats not what i was putting on the table and walked away.

or the guy who went out with me 3 times and then just texts me randomly now. 

who the hell knows. 

but at this point,

i am taking a step back from this crazy land called dating.

and i am going to just relax. 

i will never find another joe.

i need to stop comparing everyone i meet to him. 

i need to just BREATHE.

the right man is out there. 

he is waiting for me somewhere.

and he will understand me and my grief and my kid.

he will respect my love for joe.

and my need for someone to be patient with me.

save me from this mess babe. send the right man in my direction. help me not feel worthless and alone. 

just help me. i love you angel. 

facing my fear...again.

so tonight i did it.

i faced it.

i went to TGI Fridays.

fridays is the last place i saw my joe outside of the hospital.

but i did it.

we went to fridays every weekend.

me him and alexis.

90% of the videos i have of him and her are in a fridays. 

he loved fridays.

we sat at the same table with one of 2 servers every time.

when i was sitting there eating,

i stared at 'our table' 

i could see the last day we were there play out so perfectly. 

it was like there were 2 people who looked just like us living out our day and i was watching.

there were no tears. a lot of deep breaths.

but no tears.

but then again,

i struggle for tears these days.

 i wish i could cry it out.

i wish i could SCREAM and be mad.

but i can't.

i just am blah.

emotionally blah.

physically i can put on an awesome front.

but emotionally I'm just over it.

I'm over the emptiness.

I'm over the aching inside.

I'm over being alone.

I'm over missing him.

it just gets old.

i didn't know it could be this bad.

i didn't know you could miss another person with this much intensity. 

on another note.

i need to make better choices.

and ill leave it at that. <3 

goodnight bloggers. 

numbness

numbness is a strange thing.

right after joe passed, i instantly became numb.

i think its just the bodes natural defense to such serious pain.

and i stayed that way.

for a while. 

months maybe?

then one day, the pain hit me like a wall.

and i was forced to face it.

my heart broke in the literal sense 

and it was the most intense thing I've ever went through.

but in a way it was comforting. 

feeling pain like that meant what i was experiencing was real. it validated it all.

and the numbness just makes me feel insane.

like i know i should be crying but I'm just sitting here. staring at this screen.

 listening to his voice and just feeling empty. 

i understand it is your body's job or something to defend itself. 

to protect you at all costs.

but really? shutting you down from the world is just not fair.

talking to one of my widow girls tonight 

she put it as joes way of protecting me.

and that helps me not hate the numbness so much.

but it still makes me feel like the shell of a human.

yes. the next 2 months are going to be so hard. 

and i am dreading every minute of it.

the memories have started to come alive again.

my last days with him outside of  the ICU.

my last days with him awake.

the day i found out he probably wasn't going to wake up.

the day he defied the odds and did way up.

the day he held my hand again after 17 days of comatose.

the look in his eyes when he realized i was by his side. 

the way my heart dropped the day his mom called me at work after i spent an incredible 2 hrs with him.

the way i felt when 3 doctors looked me in the eyes and told me his fight was over.

the way it felt to lay my head in the lap of a body that i knew my joe was no longer apart of.

the moment his heart stopped beating.

walking out of the hospital alone.

dressing him in his nicest black on black and him looking mighty fine.

saying goodbye for the last time.

covering him in the blanket that was made especially for him that he never got to see.

closing the lid to the box that held my everything. 

my memories are vivid. 

my pain is dull.

i feel nothing.

no happiness. mild sadness. high anxiety. 

id give anything to feel something to make sure this is all real.

but then again nothing makes it more real than when i wake up alone. 

to no text message.

no phone call.

no dirty clothes on the floor or a wet towel on my bed.

no half drank mountain dew bottle on the night stand.

no deodorant lid on the sink 

and no faint smell of mens curve lingering in my house.

all of that makes it really real.

and its a pain in the ass to not be able to react appropriately to that. 

baby, i miss you so much. so if my girls are right and you really are just trying to protect me with this numbness nonsense. remove the shield and stop being over protective. i want to miss you. i want to feel it in real time. so stop protecting me from myself. from you. i want to feel you. i want to remember you. i want to hurt for you. i want to cry. i want to SCREAM at you. i just want to feel something. id love to laugh about our memories. or cry. or both. or something. i just want to feel something. i miss you. on a real level. and i want to feel that. i deserve to at least feel my pain. if i have to have it i deserve to feel it. so give it back to me. stop taking everything away. your not too far away for me to get pissed. and i will. so either help me. or give me my grief and my pain back. or just give me you back. id be okay with that too. i miss you. alexis deserves to know you. she misses you. i miss you. we need you. tonight is rough. and i just wish you were here. she's such a challenge and i want you to deal with it not me. :( i hope your having fun. and watching over me. i miss you baby. ill be by to visit you this week <3 xoxoxo. be good. i love you angel boy.