horrible

i am a HORRIBLE blogger.

and i am having HORRIBLE greif "phases" lately. 

i am missing my joe so so so so incredibly much. 

i cannot shake the feeling of sadness to save my life. 

i feel overly sad daily.

but as part of this crazy widow life i have learned to fake a smile and make the world think i am okay.

but deep down? i miss him.

every single minute of every single day.

my daughter asks about him.

and i have ZERO clue what to say. 

almost any song that i ever heard with joe can make me sob like a baby. i have full intentions to go through my "joe box" tonight and cry my eyes out. 

in 2 days i will be 19 months into this. 

19 months 

579 days.

13,896 hours.

833,760 minutes.

19 months since i looked him in the eyes.

579 days he hasnt told me goodnight and that he loves me.

13,896 hours he hasnt spent texting me or curled up next to my side.

833,760 minutes he hasnt been smiling because he loves me.

its a harsh reality.

and it makes me cry.

no one should ever experience this.

no one should ever know what its like to be without your other half.

or to be so overcome with sadness and grief that it takes your breath away. 

its the most draining feeling ive ever felt.

but i know hes watching over me.

and hes literally holding me up the last couple days.

but thats his job. 

his full time, all day all night job.

and he may be millions and millions of miles away.

but i can feel his love and presence all day everyday.

and my heart still beats for him.

i am still madly and irrevocably in love with you joe carter.

its a crazy thing. 

happy 2nd birthday baby girl.

my baby is 2 years old.

i cannot believe it has been 2 years since i welcomed her into the world.
it has been a long 2 years
but i wouldnt trade it for the world.
she is my rock, my whole world and the only thing that gets me through every. single. day.
i never knew i could love another person as much as i love her.
its like a part of me has been taken from me and placed into another person.
and i am extremely blessed that every time i look at her i remember joe.
she is my personal piece of joe that no person nor amount of time can take from me.

alexis grace, 
today you are 2 years old! i cannot believe it. I remember the night you were born. I remember looking at you and not understanding why i didnt want to put you down or anyone else to touch you. i couldmt fathom the amount of love i had for you. everyone had for you. your daddy, your grandparents, your aunts uncles and friends all loved you so much from the minute you were born. the first year of your life was rough, and the second year was just as tough. you got to spend your first 5 months of life with your daddy and then God decided he needed him back. everyday i feel extreme sadness that you will not remember the time you had with him. he was so good to you. during your first year of life you had to say a goodbye that changed your life but you wont remember. but we made it. and we have yet again made it through another year. during your second year, we remembered the one year anniversary of loosing your daddy. you still, have no idea whats going on but it was a big event for us. we made it. our first year just you and me. we grew so much closer to our family this year and its a very good thing we did. they love you so much and i dont know where or how id be here without them. we lost our precious grandma carter this year. she is now in the heavens with your daddy looking down on us. you probably wont remember her either but she loved you dearly & was an incredible woman. in your second year of life you went to school for the first time. you graduated to a big girl car seat. you have no more bottle. you can walk and talk in almost complete sentences. you say some of the most ridiculous things ive ever heard. you now recognize pictures of yourself and your family, including your daddy. although i know you dont understand what it means, you know your daddy is in the sky and watching over you. you love music. all types. you get that from your daddy. you absolutely LOVE elmo, spongebob and mickey mouse. you will watch anything on the disney channel. you love your babies and your lala. you STILL have that paci that will soon be going bye bye. your whole world revolves around your geepaw, i have never seen a girl love their grandpa as much as you love yours. you still prefer to nap curled up in your nanas bed or in her lap. we moved out of nanas house and we live on our own now and you have your own room that you love during the day and hate at night. your sporting a 2t-3t outfit and just moved to a size 4 diaper. you NEVER walk anywhere you prefer to run. you love to be active and rough housing with anyone who will get on your level. your a horrible eater. you only eat what you want and you would prefer to snack all day than sit down and eat a meal. your a princess and you know it. but most importantly, your surrounded by people who absolutely adore you and you have a good heart. you will comfort anyone who is sad and are always wanting to help me do anything you can. your a special little girl and i dont know where i would be without you. all i have to do is hear you say something silly or tell me you love me and you can instantly bring a smile to my face. your dad would be over the moon proud of you and i know that he spends all his time at your side. your birthdays are hard for me. it hurts to know he never got to celebrate a birthday with you. and i know how excited he would be since i can remember the pure joy he had the day you were born. you are and always will be my sweet 7lb baby that i remember and i wouldnt trade a single day of our time together. i cant wait to watch you grow into the person you are going to be. it feels like just yesterday i was celebrating your first birthday and here we are a year later and my you have changed. one thing will never change and thats the love your dad and i have for you. he may not be here physically but he is ALWAYS with you, you just have to look inside your heart and there he will be. no matter how much distance is inbetween us we are always a a family and he will always love both of us with all his heart. we are his girls for life. i want you to never ever ever forget that. alexis grace, you may drive me over the wall somedays but i love you more than anything in this world. you are the greatest gift i could have ever asked for and i dont know where id be without you. 
happy second birthday princess. <3 
                         - mommy

my "todo" list

so i survived new years.

it was a DISASTER.

dude who i thought was nice? BAHA.

joke.

he was a j o k e .

i got allllll dressed up.

and looked IMPRESSIVE 

and what did he do?

he left me standing.

stood me up.

without a single word.

so i curled up in my bed and cried.

havent heard from him since.

so much for that.

oh well.

onto bigger and better things.

2013 started out rough.

but i plan to make a full recovery. 

i want to accomplish a few things this year:

1. purchase a treadmill. i want to commit myself to working out and getting fit.

2. spend more time with my daughter. one on one, quality time.

3. do something more at my job. 

4. join a cause and support it. stand up for something i believe in.

5. run a 5k.

6.go on a vacation. i deserve it.

7. learn to save money.

8. get a tattoo. a tattoo for me. i have one for alexis. and one for joe. i need one for me.

9. meet a boy who is worth something.

10. build at least ONE new relationship.

11. help someone the way i have been helped.

12. strengthen my faith. its one of the only things that have gotten me through.

13. meet my widow girls IN PERSON.

14. spend more time at the cemetery. im horrible about this.

15. do something in joes honor. 

16. keep baking & get better at decorating. it keeps me sane.

17. BE A BETTER BLOGGER

a small list to start with but i have a while to get it accomplished. 

heres to turning this year around! 

side note, my baby turns 2 in 2 short days.

expect a sappy sad blog post this week!

:)