horrible

i am a HORRIBLE blogger.

and i am having HORRIBLE greif "phases" lately. 

i am missing my joe so so so so incredibly much. 

i cannot shake the feeling of sadness to save my life. 

i feel overly sad daily.

but as part of this crazy widow life i have learned to fake a smile and make the world think i am okay.

but deep down? i miss him.

every single minute of every single day.

my daughter asks about him.

and i have ZERO clue what to say. 

almost any song that i ever heard with joe can make me sob like a baby. i have full intentions to go through my "joe box" tonight and cry my eyes out. 

in 2 days i will be 19 months into this. 

19 months 

579 days.

13,896 hours.

833,760 minutes.

19 months since i looked him in the eyes.

579 days he hasnt told me goodnight and that he loves me.

13,896 hours he hasnt spent texting me or curled up next to my side.

833,760 minutes he hasnt been smiling because he loves me.

its a harsh reality.

and it makes me cry.

no one should ever experience this.

no one should ever know what its like to be without your other half.

or to be so overcome with sadness and grief that it takes your breath away. 

its the most draining feeling ive ever felt.

but i know hes watching over me.

and hes literally holding me up the last couple days.

but thats his job. 

his full time, all day all night job.

and he may be millions and millions of miles away.

but i can feel his love and presence all day everyday.

and my heart still beats for him.

i am still madly and irrevocably in love with you joe carter.

its a crazy thing. 

happy 2nd birthday baby girl.

my baby is 2 years old.

i cannot believe it has been 2 years since i welcomed her into the world.
it has been a long 2 years
but i wouldnt trade it for the world.
she is my rock, my whole world and the only thing that gets me through every. single. day.
i never knew i could love another person as much as i love her.
its like a part of me has been taken from me and placed into another person.
and i am extremely blessed that every time i look at her i remember joe.
she is my personal piece of joe that no person nor amount of time can take from me.

alexis grace, 
today you are 2 years old! i cannot believe it. I remember the night you were born. I remember looking at you and not understanding why i didnt want to put you down or anyone else to touch you. i couldmt fathom the amount of love i had for you. everyone had for you. your daddy, your grandparents, your aunts uncles and friends all loved you so much from the minute you were born. the first year of your life was rough, and the second year was just as tough. you got to spend your first 5 months of life with your daddy and then God decided he needed him back. everyday i feel extreme sadness that you will not remember the time you had with him. he was so good to you. during your first year of life you had to say a goodbye that changed your life but you wont remember. but we made it. and we have yet again made it through another year. during your second year, we remembered the one year anniversary of loosing your daddy. you still, have no idea whats going on but it was a big event for us. we made it. our first year just you and me. we grew so much closer to our family this year and its a very good thing we did. they love you so much and i dont know where or how id be here without them. we lost our precious grandma carter this year. she is now in the heavens with your daddy looking down on us. you probably wont remember her either but she loved you dearly & was an incredible woman. in your second year of life you went to school for the first time. you graduated to a big girl car seat. you have no more bottle. you can walk and talk in almost complete sentences. you say some of the most ridiculous things ive ever heard. you now recognize pictures of yourself and your family, including your daddy. although i know you dont understand what it means, you know your daddy is in the sky and watching over you. you love music. all types. you get that from your daddy. you absolutely LOVE elmo, spongebob and mickey mouse. you will watch anything on the disney channel. you love your babies and your lala. you STILL have that paci that will soon be going bye bye. your whole world revolves around your geepaw, i have never seen a girl love their grandpa as much as you love yours. you still prefer to nap curled up in your nanas bed or in her lap. we moved out of nanas house and we live on our own now and you have your own room that you love during the day and hate at night. your sporting a 2t-3t outfit and just moved to a size 4 diaper. you NEVER walk anywhere you prefer to run. you love to be active and rough housing with anyone who will get on your level. your a horrible eater. you only eat what you want and you would prefer to snack all day than sit down and eat a meal. your a princess and you know it. but most importantly, your surrounded by people who absolutely adore you and you have a good heart. you will comfort anyone who is sad and are always wanting to help me do anything you can. your a special little girl and i dont know where i would be without you. all i have to do is hear you say something silly or tell me you love me and you can instantly bring a smile to my face. your dad would be over the moon proud of you and i know that he spends all his time at your side. your birthdays are hard for me. it hurts to know he never got to celebrate a birthday with you. and i know how excited he would be since i can remember the pure joy he had the day you were born. you are and always will be my sweet 7lb baby that i remember and i wouldnt trade a single day of our time together. i cant wait to watch you grow into the person you are going to be. it feels like just yesterday i was celebrating your first birthday and here we are a year later and my you have changed. one thing will never change and thats the love your dad and i have for you. he may not be here physically but he is ALWAYS with you, you just have to look inside your heart and there he will be. no matter how much distance is inbetween us we are always a a family and he will always love both of us with all his heart. we are his girls for life. i want you to never ever ever forget that. alexis grace, you may drive me over the wall somedays but i love you more than anything in this world. you are the greatest gift i could have ever asked for and i dont know where id be without you. 
happy second birthday princess. <3 
                         - mommy

my "todo" list

so i survived new years.

it was a DISASTER.

dude who i thought was nice? BAHA.

joke.

he was a j o k e .

i got allllll dressed up.

and looked IMPRESSIVE 

and what did he do?

he left me standing.

stood me up.

without a single word.

so i curled up in my bed and cried.

havent heard from him since.

so much for that.

oh well.

onto bigger and better things.

2013 started out rough.

but i plan to make a full recovery. 

i want to accomplish a few things this year:

1. purchase a treadmill. i want to commit myself to working out and getting fit.

2. spend more time with my daughter. one on one, quality time.

3. do something more at my job. 

4. join a cause and support it. stand up for something i believe in.

5. run a 5k.

6.go on a vacation. i deserve it.

7. learn to save money.

8. get a tattoo. a tattoo for me. i have one for alexis. and one for joe. i need one for me.

9. meet a boy who is worth something.

10. build at least ONE new relationship.

11. help someone the way i have been helped.

12. strengthen my faith. its one of the only things that have gotten me through.

13. meet my widow girls IN PERSON.

14. spend more time at the cemetery. im horrible about this.

15. do something in joes honor. 

16. keep baking & get better at decorating. it keeps me sane.

17. BE A BETTER BLOGGER

a small list to start with but i have a while to get it accomplished. 

heres to turning this year around! 

side note, my baby turns 2 in 2 short days.

expect a sappy sad blog post this week!

:) 

2012

2012.

i cant believe its almost over.

2012 has been an interesting year for me.

lets see:

it was my first WHOLE YEAR without joe.

he never saw 2012. which is weird for me.

my baby turned 1.

i celebrated the 1 year mark of losing the man i love.

i have held 4 different jobs. 

i lost my mind briefly.

but found enough of it to be socially acceptable.

i cried alot.

i made it through alot of anniversaries, celebrations, holidays...alone.

i had my heart broken for the first time since joe.

i started dating again.

i realized that guys are awful and it IS possible for someone to lie directly to your face for personal gain.

i have been played like a drum.

i have been lied to.

i have been hurt and betrayed.

i have bounced back from all of that.

my relationship with my family has continued to grow.

i found a great church that i love.

i attended my first opening day...with the wrong person..but hey.

i attended more reds games than i ever have in my life.

my love for the reds blossomed into an obsession.

i got to stand 2 ft away from joey votto.

i turned 21! 

i moved into my own place with my best friend.

the only best friend i have left out of this year.

i let my best guy friend screw me over.

i met alot of guys.

went on alot of dates.

and yet not one of them worked out.

until about 3.5 weeks ago. 

i met a great guy.

he isnt perfect.

but he makes me incredibly happy.

and im trying really hard to trust him and make it work.

we will see.

lets hope i can keep this one around.

i came in contact with a group of women last year.

we are all "widows" who have lost their loved ones at a young age.

and we have grown incredibly close over the last year.

and i cant imagine my life without each one of them.

they have saved me from alot of dark days.

and will continue to be my support system.

they are always there.

no matter what time of day.

i love them all. and i hope 2013 brings us together in real life. 

2012 is over. and tomorrow starts another year.

2013, i am so scared of what you hold.

my baby turns 2. 

i will be starting my second full year without joe.

i will face the 2 year marker.

i will grow one year closer to the last age joe ever was.

i will continue to date.

and continue to put myself out there to be hurt. 

but i will continue to wake up each day.

and thank God for everything he has given me.

and when the days are dark,

i want to focus more on turning to the only man who will never leave me, God.

and i hope that will bring me more happiness and peace.

<3 happy new year bloggers! 

holidays.

anyone who has suffered a loss can tell you holidays are not easy.

and they arent. at all.

i struggle alot with the holidays.

especially with alexis.

its not fair for her to celebrate her holidays without her daddy.

even families that are "broken" get to see their kids on the holidays.

and alexis doesnt ever get that opportunity.

i have been blessed with 2 amazing families who do EVERYTHING in their power to make things the ABSOLUTE best for us for the holidays. 

so i made it through one more carter christmas without loosing my mind. 

i missed him.

being in that house isnt the same without him. 

i never got to celebrate a carter christmas WITH him.

which i think in a way helps a little? 

thats weird i know.

but anyway.

i survived.

tomorrow i face the cemetery.

i havent been to the cemetery in a LONG time.

why?

because i hate it there.

it makes me cry every time.

and it reminds me of what me and all the other people who are there dont have. 

and it makes me feel crazy for talking to the ground.

i dont feel i need to go stand in the cold to remember him or talk to him.

i take him everywhere i go.

he lives in my heart and in my head. 

and he is my everything and is everywhere.

and i dont need a cemetery to know that.

but i will go.

because thats socially acceptable.

and i will cry.

and be reminded just of what i dont have.

and how many other people in this local area dont have it.

bottom line?

the holidays suck.

my baby will celebrate her 2nd christmas and soon her 2nd birthday without her daddy.

and i will celebrate my 2nd christmas without the man i love.

ill drink on that one.

the things id give to celebrate the holidays with you. i remember our very first christmas together. i had to work. you picked me up. and we went home. it was so late. i wanted to sleep. we exchanged gifts. i was so excited to give you your ring and your bubble vest. you were so excited. you got me a DS. i felt like such a little kid but i loved it. we were so happy. i mean we had our moments who doesnt. but we were so us. and so content. i miss you so much joe. as i sit here and listen to your itunes on repeat. and wrap gifts your all i can think about. i just wish i could hear your voice telling me you love me one more time. one. more. time. i think ive forgotten what it sounds like and then it just pops into my head which i know is all you. you will never let me forget. joe, my life without you is so different. its not what i ever imagined. i always pictured us ending up together. me you and alexis. we were going to be a family. we are a family. we will always be a family. you will always be her daddy. and if someone else is put into my life at some point they will understand that or they arent my person. you will always be the first man i have ever loved. and i will love you until i take my last breath, the same way you loved me. i miss you so much. i wish i had words for it. i wish i understood how someone could be taken so young and how another person can live with the void i have for you. it just doesnt make sense to me. but i guess some things are not meant for me to understand. but i do know, i love you. to the moon and back. and i always will. 

sadness.

its been such a day.

i just wanna curl up in bed and sob.

i miss joe.

bottom line. 

i miss him.

today my sweet babies at work broke my necklace that he gave me on our first date.

i cried and cried and cried.

that was one of the only things i have every day on my person from him personally. 

i found the heart part of it and have to go get the chain replaced. 

my baby keeps asking for her daddy.

she says that hes in the sky.

and she tries to "catch him" 

its precious.

and sad.

shes 2.

she deserves to have her daddy.

she deserves to know him. 

and she has been robbed of that. 

the world she is being raised into is awful. 

people die at 23 from illnesses that shouldnt kill them. 

people walk into elementary schools with guns and kill babies. 

then the news bombardes their families and the surviving children with millions of questions and plasters photos of caskets that shouldnt ever be that small on tv.

im disgusted.

and im jealous.

joe doesnt have to deal with this anymore.

he gets to watch from above.

its just not fair. 

alone

i am so over being alone.

when i was with joe.

i was never alone.

he was ALWAYS there.

even when i didnt want him there.

he was always there.

and i would kill for that right now. 

i want someone who wants JUST me.

and to lay around with.

and be cute with.

and send stupid texts to.

and be that cute couple.

i just want to feel wanted again.

:(

all these holiday movies are KILLING me.