another birthday.

so my birthday was monday.

big 21! 

joe was SO excited for me to turn 21. 

he talked about it allllll the time.

we were going to "do it big"

my best friend happens to turn 21 the day AFTER me

so what did i do?

i did it big.

with my girls. 

and i know joe would be proud.

the night is foggy. memories come and go.

but all i know is i woke up with my abs & cheeks hurting from laughing.

newport was a great time. and i will never forget it.

but with this AWESOME birthday there is also some bitter feelings that have come about.

likeeeee

i am another year closer to an age he will indefinitely be at.

he will forever be 23. 

and i am now 21.

i am one year closer to being 24; an age he never saw. 

that...

scares me. 

anxiety sets in.

yikes.

but no matter how old i get some things will always remain true.

i will ALWAYS love him.

and he will ALWAYS love me.

when i am 95 our love will still be there.

i am going to FOREVER miss him.

everyday. all day. everywhere i go and everything i do.

& time will always go on. 

no matter what time is going to keep on moving forward.

forward forward forward.

and i cant do a damn thing to stop it.

so instead?

this weekend i chose to do it biggggg.

just for you baby.

bottoms up right??

p.s. you would be proud. i held my alcohol and acted more lady like than i expected.

thanks for watching over me angel.

you have no idea how much i love you & miss you daily. 

your my everything. 

happy birthday to meeeee.

one more thing to check off my list. 

pain

After facing the loss of losing the person you love,

you would think that id be the strongest person alive.

W R O N G

people tell me all the time how "proud" they are of me. and how "strong" i am.

little do they know?

i suffer from everyday pain just like everyone else.

disappointment.

betrayal.

sadness.

jealousy.

just because i have been through the worst thing of my life doesnt mean i can handle anything.

and honestly?

not to play the "widow" card.

but you think that when people KNOW about your story,

if they had intentions to screw you over they just wouldnt.

in my head i view it as:

" wow. this person has been through so much in the last year.

they REALLY dont deserve any more nonsense."

but.

no such luck.

i guess the difference here is i would never INTENTIONALLY hurt someone.

EVER.

im finally going through my first "heart break" 

since losing joe.

i knew this day would come.

and i knew i wouldnt take it well.

but its here.

and im doing okay.

said boy has put me through the ringer in the last 7 months.

but i will survive.

ive survived worse.

and ive gained alot of knowledge out of this.

and a friendship that came from a horrible situation.

but it still hurts.

being lied to; hurts.

not being enough; hurts.

being second; hurts.

letting go of something that you THOUGHT was everything you wanted; hurts.

so here is to moving forward

and putting this behind me finally.

for the L A S T time.

he isnt worth my tears.

he isnt worth my time.

he isnt worth anything but my goodbye.

loving this song today <3

"Baby, what did you expect me to do? 

Just sit around and wait on you? 

Well, I'm through watching you 

Just skate around the truth 

And I know it sounds trite 

I've seen the light 

Bye, bye, love 

I'll catch you later 

Got a lead foot down on my accelerator 

And the rearview mirror torn off 

'Cause I ain't never looking back 

And that's a fact "

<3

WHO DEY

my joe is the BIGGEST bengals fan.

ever.

he loved that team even when they were the worst team in the NFL.

every sunday we sat in front of that tv or at Buffalo Wild Wings and watched them lose  play. 

joe l o v e s the bengals.

i say loveS and not loveD 

because i KNOW he watches them every sunday still.

today,

i went to my VERY FIRST bengals game.

went with the bestie.

it was a great time.

and i couldnt help but think about joe.

i know he would have been in second heaven.

no pun intended.

they pulled off a win. 

and the game was great. 

check check check.

one more thing off the list of things

WE were supposed to do & things ive done WITHOUT him.

such a stupid list. 

btw, my reds are about to do it big.

magic number is 5. 

picking up pieces

monday we lost another member of our carter family.

grandma "granny" carter went to be in heaven.

she suffered long enough and she deserves to be pain free.

she was one of the sweeeeeetest women i will ever have the pleasure of meeting.

i will always remember how much she loved me and alexis and how accepting she was of us from the beginning. 

my time with her was short. but she was the greatest "extended" grandma i could ever ask for. 

she will be missed greatly.

but she is finally reunited with the man she loves, her late husband, and she is probably more happy than any person on this earth.

thats more than i can say for myself & that makes me envious of her.

my 21st birthday is in 5 days. 

5 d a y s 

until the day i have been counting down my whole life! 

that is such a weird feeling. 

i am very excited about what this new phase of my life has to hold. 

i refuse to settle for anything less than positive.

positive people.

positive events.

positive surroundings.

positive choices.

p o s i t i v e 

i cannot wait.

i need it.

and i deserve it.

its time to pick up all the pieces of what i have left

and make the best of it.

out with the old and the negative.

in with the new and positive.

even if that means im lonely and friendless.

i will be okay.

:)

pray for us tomorrow as we say goodbye to the sweet clara carter. <3 

cant have a rainbow without some rain..

im praying there is some validity in that statement.

things have hit a rough patch.

well, i didnt know rock bottom had so many rough patches. 

im just overwhelmed

with life.

working somewhere im not 100% happy.

going to school 4 days a week.

raising a toddler, alone.

having ONE solid friend in my life.

{dont get me wrong, she is my other half and i love her to pieces, but where are all those people that were all over me a year ago? 

where are the people who SWORE We would be friends forever.

HA.

good friends right? not. }

joes grandma is really sick.

i wasnt super close with her, which i wish i could say differently but i wasnt.

but im still distraught that she is going to pass.

joes parents are selling their house.

this house and i have a meaningful connection.

this house is where my love story started.

my first date with joe, we went out and then watched movies at his house.

the house thats going to belong to someone else.

our first kiss, in that driveway.

the first time he told me he loved me, in that driveway.

the first time his family met our daughter, in that kitchen.

the first place i went after i put him in the ground, that house.

that house has been the place of 90% of my memories.

and its now going to go too.

just like everything else that ties me to him.

i wish i had the ability to go backwards.

or the strength to deal with all this.

cause right now i dont have either.

and im stuck inbetween a rock and a hard place.

i dont know what to do.

maybe its time to talk to someone?

but what do i say?

im sad. i miss my dead boyfriend. i dont know how to cope.

thats not obvious or anything.

i just dont get it.

my mom claims i "just want attention" but thats not it.

at all. 

i could care less who pays attention. no one does anyway.

i just want to feel better.

100%.

i want to feel complete.

i want to feel loved like i did.

i want to be ANNOYED by how much someone loves me like i was with joe.

i want to be happy.

i want to have smile that touches my soul again.

i think its going to take alot of work to get there.

but i plan to make any and all efforts at this point.

i need to find a SOLID group of support.

good friends.

i need to embrace  the support i have.

but i need to rid myself of the negative. the people who dont stand behind me.

and maybe just maybe,

i need to get some help.

<3