2012

2012.

i cant believe its almost over.

2012 has been an interesting year for me.

lets see:

it was my first WHOLE YEAR without joe.

he never saw 2012. which is weird for me.

my baby turned 1.

i celebrated the 1 year mark of losing the man i love.

i have held 4 different jobs. 

i lost my mind briefly.

but found enough of it to be socially acceptable.

i cried alot.

i made it through alot of anniversaries, celebrations, holidays...alone.

i had my heart broken for the first time since joe.

i started dating again.

i realized that guys are awful and it IS possible for someone to lie directly to your face for personal gain.

i have been played like a drum.

i have been lied to.

i have been hurt and betrayed.

i have bounced back from all of that.

my relationship with my family has continued to grow.

i found a great church that i love.

i attended my first opening day...with the wrong person..but hey.

i attended more reds games than i ever have in my life.

my love for the reds blossomed into an obsession.

i got to stand 2 ft away from joey votto.

i turned 21! 

i moved into my own place with my best friend.

the only best friend i have left out of this year.

i let my best guy friend screw me over.

i met alot of guys.

went on alot of dates.

and yet not one of them worked out.

until about 3.5 weeks ago. 

i met a great guy.

he isnt perfect.

but he makes me incredibly happy.

and im trying really hard to trust him and make it work.

we will see.

lets hope i can keep this one around.

i came in contact with a group of women last year.

we are all "widows" who have lost their loved ones at a young age.

and we have grown incredibly close over the last year.

and i cant imagine my life without each one of them.

they have saved me from alot of dark days.

and will continue to be my support system.

they are always there.

no matter what time of day.

i love them all. and i hope 2013 brings us together in real life. 

2012 is over. and tomorrow starts another year.

2013, i am so scared of what you hold.

my baby turns 2. 

i will be starting my second full year without joe.

i will face the 2 year marker.

i will grow one year closer to the last age joe ever was.

i will continue to date.

and continue to put myself out there to be hurt. 

but i will continue to wake up each day.

and thank God for everything he has given me.

and when the days are dark,

i want to focus more on turning to the only man who will never leave me, God.

and i hope that will bring me more happiness and peace.

<3 happy new year bloggers! 

holidays.

anyone who has suffered a loss can tell you holidays are not easy.

and they arent. at all.

i struggle alot with the holidays.

especially with alexis.

its not fair for her to celebrate her holidays without her daddy.

even families that are "broken" get to see their kids on the holidays.

and alexis doesnt ever get that opportunity.

i have been blessed with 2 amazing families who do EVERYTHING in their power to make things the ABSOLUTE best for us for the holidays. 

so i made it through one more carter christmas without loosing my mind. 

i missed him.

being in that house isnt the same without him. 

i never got to celebrate a carter christmas WITH him.

which i think in a way helps a little? 

thats weird i know.

but anyway.

i survived.

tomorrow i face the cemetery.

i havent been to the cemetery in a LONG time.

why?

because i hate it there.

it makes me cry every time.

and it reminds me of what me and all the other people who are there dont have. 

and it makes me feel crazy for talking to the ground.

i dont feel i need to go stand in the cold to remember him or talk to him.

i take him everywhere i go.

he lives in my heart and in my head. 

and he is my everything and is everywhere.

and i dont need a cemetery to know that.

but i will go.

because thats socially acceptable.

and i will cry.

and be reminded just of what i dont have.

and how many other people in this local area dont have it.

bottom line?

the holidays suck.

my baby will celebrate her 2nd christmas and soon her 2nd birthday without her daddy.

and i will celebrate my 2nd christmas without the man i love.

ill drink on that one.

the things id give to celebrate the holidays with you. i remember our very first christmas together. i had to work. you picked me up. and we went home. it was so late. i wanted to sleep. we exchanged gifts. i was so excited to give you your ring and your bubble vest. you were so excited. you got me a DS. i felt like such a little kid but i loved it. we were so happy. i mean we had our moments who doesnt. but we were so us. and so content. i miss you so much joe. as i sit here and listen to your itunes on repeat. and wrap gifts your all i can think about. i just wish i could hear your voice telling me you love me one more time. one. more. time. i think ive forgotten what it sounds like and then it just pops into my head which i know is all you. you will never let me forget. joe, my life without you is so different. its not what i ever imagined. i always pictured us ending up together. me you and alexis. we were going to be a family. we are a family. we will always be a family. you will always be her daddy. and if someone else is put into my life at some point they will understand that or they arent my person. you will always be the first man i have ever loved. and i will love you until i take my last breath, the same way you loved me. i miss you so much. i wish i had words for it. i wish i understood how someone could be taken so young and how another person can live with the void i have for you. it just doesnt make sense to me. but i guess some things are not meant for me to understand. but i do know, i love you. to the moon and back. and i always will. 

sadness.

its been such a day.

i just wanna curl up in bed and sob.

i miss joe.

bottom line. 

i miss him.

today my sweet babies at work broke my necklace that he gave me on our first date.

i cried and cried and cried.

that was one of the only things i have every day on my person from him personally. 

i found the heart part of it and have to go get the chain replaced. 

my baby keeps asking for her daddy.

she says that hes in the sky.

and she tries to "catch him" 

its precious.

and sad.

shes 2.

she deserves to have her daddy.

she deserves to know him. 

and she has been robbed of that. 

the world she is being raised into is awful. 

people die at 23 from illnesses that shouldnt kill them. 

people walk into elementary schools with guns and kill babies. 

then the news bombardes their families and the surviving children with millions of questions and plasters photos of caskets that shouldnt ever be that small on tv.

im disgusted.

and im jealous.

joe doesnt have to deal with this anymore.

he gets to watch from above.

its just not fair.