life changes

so life has been crazy lately.

still battling with my last post.

but on top of that..

i moved.

i moved out of my parents house. 

i now live on my own. 

without him.

check check check.

more things off my list.

this is a list that at first i swore i wanted to complete, but now i dont.

im tired of doing things without him.

life without him is weird.

and i dont like it.

living on my own is scary.

im always afraid.

im always alone. 

alexis wont sleep here.

idk.

its weird living without him.

its weird being alone.

for the first time i cant escape the loneliness.

and it makes my heart heavy.

i miss him.

i miss him alot.

more than i knew was possible.

life changes. time goes on.

these are all things i know.

but they suck. 

awful awful awful.

make. better. choices.

i guess when i lost joe,

i lost my mind too.

because i have become the stupidest girl ever.

wanna know why?

i thought so.

story time..

last year for my 20th birthday joes friends threw me a party.

i blogged very briefly about it.

but it was a GREAT night.

these boys, who were at the time just people that were friends with joe but are now my boys, worked so so hard on my birthday. 

and i appreciated every minute of it and still do.

but anyway!

they invited some of their friends since i had shut alllll of mine out.

2 of my girlfriends came.

well one of their friends we will call him "boy" was someone i had never met.

but he was a GREAT time.

super funny.

super nice.

super cute.

well, i was drunk.

i think i gave him my phone number.

idk.

anyway.

boy and i become really good friends.

we start hanging out all the time.

like daily.

and i realize that when im with boy, everything is okay for that little amount of time.

i became very accustomed to being around boy.

and i liked it.

but i felt like i was betraying the man i love.

so i backed off.

well,

halloween last year.

we went to some haunted houses and i finally knew the inevitable.

i liked this boy.

more than a friend.

and that made me panic.

joe was the only guy ive ever dated really.

so this was...new to me.

so of course i freak out.

and i start wanting titles from boy.

well boy isnt into that at this time.

so i take it as he doesnt want me.

i was so sad.

and refused to admit i had feelings for him to anyone but myself.

and i moved on to the next thing that would pay attention to me.

mistake #1.

so idiot boys to come break my heart. one at a time.

fireman a...screws me over.

who do i run to?

boy.

boy is there to console me.

asks me on a date.

what does this moron do?

stand him up.

fireman b...screeeeeews me over BIG time.

where do i go?

boy.

boy is there yet again with open arms.

tells me to "stop dating idiot firemen and let him take me out"

i say yes.

and dont follow through.

mistake # 2 & 3

so i finally decide enoughs enough.

stick to what you know.

be done with the assholes

and go back to the boy who treated you right.

so i do.

and hes hesitant at first.

as he SHOULD be.

we go out for drinks for my bday.

immediately after that, i knew my feelings for boy are still there.

something told me i should have said something to him.

but i didnt.

i was like ohhh no play it cool. dont mess it up. 

well wrong choice pretty girl.

surfing the internet the other day

i come across his fb page.

and i see what ive been dreading..

"in a relationship"

greattttt.

cue lots of tears.

lots of sadness.

finally yesterday i tell him i like him and my feelings are still there.

but i also told him i want him to stay with his gf. 

i hate it. and he knows it.

but i dont wanna be that girl.

i dont DESERVE that of him.

i deserve where i am at now.

and as much as it sucks.

i have to sit back

and watch

the boy i was falling in love with

fall in love

with someone else.

not something im good at.

at all.

but im learning.

because he is my best guy friend.

and i cannot lose that.

he gets me.

and he treats me right.

and under the girlfriend and "i dont show emotion attitude" 

he likes me too.

and we will make it work.

in due time.

until then.

i watch him love her.

and be happy that hes happy.

because he of all people in this world, deserves it.

so lets hope for the best.

and pray this girl has learned her lesson.

and that good things are to come.

mini rant

i have a SERIOUS issue.

FAITHFULLNESS: any loyal and steadfast following.

LOYAL: Giving or showing firm and constant support or allegiance to a person or institution

these are things i have big issues with...

why?

because NO ONE is loyal OR faithful anymore.

i have talked to ONE tooooooo many boys who have girlfriends.

im sorry,

but if you are having to DELETE messages..

hide things..

or attempt to hang out with someone as more than friends

(ESP if you were more than friends at one point)

you are NOT faithful

and it is wrong.

and i am TIRED of being the other girl.

i just want someone who is going to be good to me.

and ONLY me.

and not lie to me.

or keep me a secret.

or make me their second choice.

i deserve to be someones first pick.

i am a great catch.

that may sound so superficial and cocky

but i dont care.

i have a good job.

i go to school.

i have a car.

i take care of myself.

i am a damn good mom.

i am funny.

i am a reds fan.

i AM a good catch.

someone out there will appreciate it.

one day.

todays just not that day.

good things come to those who wait...

well im waiting. 

the good with the bad.

there are good days and bad days. 

lately its been a solid mix of both.

i am BEYOND stressed about my job, my home life, and my school.

which brings on more baddddd days.

absolutely nothing in my love life is going right.

and im just at the point of breaking. 

my job: i have grown to HATE my job.

when i started there i was IN LOVE with my job.

now, i LOVE what i do. i HATE where i work.

so its on to a job hunt.

my home life: i just want to move out.

yesterday.

i need outta this house. i need my own space.

my school: its just constantly needing attention. time and attention i dont have.

priorities?

it will pay off in the end....right?

my love life: all men are useless and unfaithful. i think i lost my person on july 21,2011 and thats it.

no one gets me like he did.

no one is anything like he was.

everyone is rude. selfish. not understanding. unfaithful. and a waste of time.

none of these men are worth meeting my daughter. 

none of them are worth my time.

and joe would be THOROUGHLY upset if i SETTLED for any of this nonsense.

so here i am.

alone.

waiting.

praying that God & my sweet joe won't let alexis and i be alone forever.

but waiting for the man that is intended for me.

accepting the loss of my better half will never be easy.

and i will never accept it.

i will just learn to deal with it.

accepting means i am okay with it. i will NEVER be okay with something like this.

just accepting.

heres to keeping my sanity. 

and finding a solution.

a new job.

a new study method.

a new house.

and a good man.

<3