horrible

i am a HORRIBLE blogger.

and i am having HORRIBLE greif "phases" lately. 

i am missing my joe so so so so incredibly much. 

i cannot shake the feeling of sadness to save my life. 

i feel overly sad daily.

but as part of this crazy widow life i have learned to fake a smile and make the world think i am okay.

but deep down? i miss him.

every single minute of every single day.

my daughter asks about him.

and i have ZERO clue what to say. 

almost any song that i ever heard with joe can make me sob like a baby. i have full intentions to go through my "joe box" tonight and cry my eyes out. 

in 2 days i will be 19 months into this. 

19 months 

579 days.

13,896 hours.

833,760 minutes.

19 months since i looked him in the eyes.

579 days he hasnt told me goodnight and that he loves me.

13,896 hours he hasnt spent texting me or curled up next to my side.

833,760 minutes he hasnt been smiling because he loves me.

its a harsh reality.

and it makes me cry.

no one should ever experience this.

no one should ever know what its like to be without your other half.

or to be so overcome with sadness and grief that it takes your breath away. 

its the most draining feeling ive ever felt.

but i know hes watching over me.

and hes literally holding me up the last couple days.

but thats his job. 

his full time, all day all night job.

and he may be millions and millions of miles away.

but i can feel his love and presence all day everyday.

and my heart still beats for him.

i am still madly and irrevocably in love with you joe carter.

its a crazy thing.