make. better. choices.

i guess when i lost joe,

i lost my mind too.

because i have become the stupidest girl ever.

wanna know why?

i thought so.

story time..

last year for my 20th birthday joes friends threw me a party.

i blogged very briefly about it.

but it was a GREAT night.

these boys, who were at the time just people that were friends with joe but are now my boys, worked so so hard on my birthday. 

and i appreciated every minute of it and still do.

but anyway!

they invited some of their friends since i had shut alllll of mine out.

2 of my girlfriends came.

well one of their friends we will call him "boy" was someone i had never met.

but he was a GREAT time.

super funny.

super nice.

super cute.

well, i was drunk.

i think i gave him my phone number.

idk.

anyway.

boy and i become really good friends.

we start hanging out all the time.

like daily.

and i realize that when im with boy, everything is okay for that little amount of time.

i became very accustomed to being around boy.

and i liked it.

but i felt like i was betraying the man i love.

so i backed off.

well,

halloween last year.

we went to some haunted houses and i finally knew the inevitable.

i liked this boy.

more than a friend.

and that made me panic.

joe was the only guy ive ever dated really.

so this was...new to me.

so of course i freak out.

and i start wanting titles from boy.

well boy isnt into that at this time.

so i take it as he doesnt want me.

i was so sad.

and refused to admit i had feelings for him to anyone but myself.

and i moved on to the next thing that would pay attention to me.

mistake #1.

so idiot boys to come break my heart. one at a time.

fireman a...screws me over.

who do i run to?

boy.

boy is there to console me.

asks me on a date.

what does this moron do?

stand him up.

fireman b...screeeeeews me over BIG time.

where do i go?

boy.

boy is there yet again with open arms.

tells me to "stop dating idiot firemen and let him take me out"

i say yes.

and dont follow through.

mistake # 2 & 3

so i finally decide enoughs enough.

stick to what you know.

be done with the assholes

and go back to the boy who treated you right.

so i do.

and hes hesitant at first.

as he SHOULD be.

we go out for drinks for my bday.

immediately after that, i knew my feelings for boy are still there.

something told me i should have said something to him.

but i didnt.

i was like ohhh no play it cool. dont mess it up. 

well wrong choice pretty girl.

surfing the internet the other day

i come across his fb page.

and i see what ive been dreading..

"in a relationship"

greattttt.

cue lots of tears.

lots of sadness.

finally yesterday i tell him i like him and my feelings are still there.

but i also told him i want him to stay with his gf. 

i hate it. and he knows it.

but i dont wanna be that girl.

i dont DESERVE that of him.

i deserve where i am at now.

and as much as it sucks.

i have to sit back

and watch

the boy i was falling in love with

fall in love

with someone else.

not something im good at.

at all.

but im learning.

because he is my best guy friend.

and i cannot lose that.

he gets me.

and he treats me right.

and under the girlfriend and "i dont show emotion attitude" 

he likes me too.

and we will make it work.

in due time.

until then.

i watch him love her.

and be happy that hes happy.

because he of all people in this world, deserves it.

so lets hope for the best.

and pray this girl has learned her lesson.

and that good things are to come.