one year.

one year.

its been a whole year since my life changed. 

on this day one year ago

i look the man i love, my other half, and my very best friend in the eye for the last time.

i spent the last 2 hours with him i ever would.

i laid next to his body for the last time.

i touched his face for the last time.

i saw him awake for the last time.

i was the same person for the very last time.

when you lose someone you LOVE it changes you.

when i lost joe i lost a part of myself.

i am a different woman today than i was this day last year.

i lost everything and had to start over. 

had to start from scratch. 

in the last year i have; 

raised a baby alone for 12 months.

went to college.

got 2 new jobs.

got a new tattoo.

got a new piercing.

got a new car.

gained a new set of friends.

another new family.

learned to respect myself.

set my standards higher than ever.

spent more money than joe would ever approve of.

its been the longest year of my life without him.

i miss him more every single day.

i love him with all my heart.

he will always be my person.

i will always be his girl. 

but the love is different now.

the aching in my chest is more dull.

i WANT to move FORWARD with my life.

not on. 

but forward.

and i want to take joe with me.

i know what i want.

i know what i deserve.

and i know i am willing to wait until i find it.

i will love joe for the rest of my life.

the man i am with next will have to understand that.

joe and i will always have an unspoken bond that no one will ever understand.

and i never want to lose that or have anyone else understand it.

its the last thing besides our daughter that is always ours. 

today his dad told me "you are the best thing that ever happened to him"

and it made me feel 110% better to know that someone else notices and appreciates our love 

and what we did for each other.

today his family and i met at the cemetery.

it was nice to be there all together.

we have never all been there at the same time.

there were beautiful flowers left.

kind words spoken.

and lots of tears shed.

i admitted out loud to other people how badly i miss him and how much i love him for the first time in months.

we then went to breakfast as a family and spent time together.

it was a nice day.

i was supposed to go to grandpa ds house this evening for a family get together.

but the events of the day just got to be a little much and i needed some time alone. 

all in all it was a good joe filled day.

the weather was beautiful 

and my red legs pulled off a win.

i want to say thank you.

to everyone who has held me up or held my hand to keep me sane in the last year. 

to the ones who have stepped up and saved me from myself.

who never let me forget that joe loves me and is proud of everything I've accomplished. 

the people who i now consider my best friends and family.

i would be no where without all of you.

you all have changed my life and supported me in a very dark time.

your true friends and family will show in a time of need and you all have come through amazingly.

i. love. you. all.

and i know joe put each one of you in my life to get me through this tragedy.

i know he is in a better place and is with me everyday.

doesn't take the pain away or make me miss him less.

but makes it all a little more tolerable.

one year down, 50+ more to go.

babylove, 

its been a whole year without you. 365 days since I've looked into those handsome brown eyes. i miss you more than i could ever explain to you or anyone else. i ache on a daily basis just to talk to you. life without you is the hardest thing I've ever done. breathing on my own without you is like breathing with a 900000 lb weight on my chest. but somehow i survived. and i made it to this point. just surviving this day has made me feel a little better. I'm not fixed. I'm not better. but I'm not as bad as i was. i can smile at our memories. and make it a whole day without crying. i can look at our pictures and not cry, sometimes, and i can appreciate the time i was given with you. you and alexis are the absolute best things to ever happen to me and i wouldn't trade anything about our time together for anything. but i would give anything to have one more hour with you. there is so much i wish you were here for. your daughter is just like you and its not fair i have to raise her alone. she deserves to know you and i plan to make sure she knows you as well as i did. your my angel baby. and i know you are with me everyday. so. don't give up on me. help me through each day still. hold my hand and remind me of our love daily. these are the things i need you to do for me. we talked about this one year ago. i told you i would stand by you if you couldn't do it anymore if you promised me you'd never leave me alone. if you promised to be with me and alexis always. I'm holding up my end of the deal, you have to hold up yours. i miss you joe. there is no better way of saying it. i appreciate everything you've given me and everything we have together. i love you to the moon and back and will always be your girl. 

happy 1st birthday into heaven. i hope your having fun and missing me like i miss you. 

never stop loving me.

forever & ever babe.