holidays.

anyone who has suffered a loss can tell you holidays are not easy.

and they arent. at all.

i struggle alot with the holidays.

especially with alexis.

its not fair for her to celebrate her holidays without her daddy.

even families that are "broken" get to see their kids on the holidays.

and alexis doesnt ever get that opportunity.

i have been blessed with 2 amazing families who do EVERYTHING in their power to make things the ABSOLUTE best for us for the holidays. 

so i made it through one more carter christmas without loosing my mind. 

i missed him.

being in that house isnt the same without him. 

i never got to celebrate a carter christmas WITH him.

which i think in a way helps a little? 

thats weird i know.

but anyway.

i survived.

tomorrow i face the cemetery.

i havent been to the cemetery in a LONG time.

why?

because i hate it there.

it makes me cry every time.

and it reminds me of what me and all the other people who are there dont have. 

and it makes me feel crazy for talking to the ground.

i dont feel i need to go stand in the cold to remember him or talk to him.

i take him everywhere i go.

he lives in my heart and in my head. 

and he is my everything and is everywhere.

and i dont need a cemetery to know that.

but i will go.

because thats socially acceptable.

and i will cry.

and be reminded just of what i dont have.

and how many other people in this local area dont have it.

bottom line?

the holidays suck.

my baby will celebrate her 2nd christmas and soon her 2nd birthday without her daddy.

and i will celebrate my 2nd christmas without the man i love.

ill drink on that one.

the things id give to celebrate the holidays with you. i remember our very first christmas together. i had to work. you picked me up. and we went home. it was so late. i wanted to sleep. we exchanged gifts. i was so excited to give you your ring and your bubble vest. you were so excited. you got me a DS. i felt like such a little kid but i loved it. we were so happy. i mean we had our moments who doesnt. but we were so us. and so content. i miss you so much joe. as i sit here and listen to your itunes on repeat. and wrap gifts your all i can think about. i just wish i could hear your voice telling me you love me one more time. one. more. time. i think ive forgotten what it sounds like and then it just pops into my head which i know is all you. you will never let me forget. joe, my life without you is so different. its not what i ever imagined. i always pictured us ending up together. me you and alexis. we were going to be a family. we are a family. we will always be a family. you will always be her daddy. and if someone else is put into my life at some point they will understand that or they arent my person. you will always be the first man i have ever loved. and i will love you until i take my last breath, the same way you loved me. i miss you so much. i wish i had words for it. i wish i understood how someone could be taken so young and how another person can live with the void i have for you. it just doesnt make sense to me. but i guess some things are not meant for me to understand. but i do know, i love you. to the moon and back. and i always will.