yesterday i went to visit joe. why you ask? i have NO idea. it is THE SADDEST place on earth but seriously i will be driving and i will just end up there.
there is no headstone yet, just a red flag. the love of my life gets a red flag and thats it. ugh. annoying. but anyway. I'm sitting there, like always. i always sit. right on top of his grave like I'm sitting in his lap, because i always sat in his lap. weird? not to me. anyway
as i sit there there is a funeral going on not too far away. far enough to where I'm not intruding on them, but close enough to where you can see everyone and hear them, after all its a silent place. it was the WEIRDEST experience I've ever went through. i was sitting there and i just couldn't look away. that was me 2 months ago. i know EXACTLY how those people felt. there were people sobbing and i remember that exact pain. i remember standing next to that casket refusing to leave because that meant he was going into the ground. i remember just standing there. holding onto a box. a box that held everything i loved. and i was overcome with grief. absolutely knock the breath out of you, can't stand up, uncontrollable tears kinda grief. so i sat there and sobbed. sobbed for my life lost and watched these people sob too.
i was changed by that moment. and I'm still reflecting upon it today. its been a rough couple days. I'm missing my baby. i just remember how handsome he is, and how soft his skin was, and how good he looked and smelled after a shower, how he rubbed my feet or when we were in a store kept his hand on my lower back kinda like, yeah she's mine kinda deal. i miss that. i miss the little stuff. i miss the way he looked at me. NO ONE looks at me like that anymore. or the way he called me baby girl, and then called our baby his princess. i just want to hear his voice. i want to be annoyed by the amount of texts i got at work and couldn't get anything done. i want to argue over bills. i just want to be in the same room as him and hear him breathe or lay on his chest and hear his heart beat. that sound was the thing that kept my world together.
ugh minor pity party today. blehhhhhhh. save me.
I'm impressed you went. I haven't been to D's grave in probably 3 months. I just can't bring myself to go. His headstone has finally been placed and I can't see it. It makes it so real.
ReplyDeleteI don't feel too guilty b/c I know he wouldn't care and probably wouldn't even want me there b/c he HATED when I was sad. But I hope some day I can work up the nerve to go.
Hugs!!!