thoughts.

tonight i read a post from a girl who lost her dad before she knew him. it was the anniversary of his loss and she was talking to him in her post. its such a strange thing to read. as the tears were FLOWING down my face, the thought hit me. thats going to be MY baby in the future. now i don't know if she will be a blogger or if that will even be around but she is going to be in that girls shoes, missing her dad. wishing she knew him. so i cried. for myself and for my baby. for everything we both have lost.

i have been trying to buy a new car. its been the hardest thing I've ever done. not only does selling JOES car hit me at my weakest point, i can't get a car loan...anywhere. which just makes me think joe doesn't want me to sell my car. but i know he does. i just psych myself out. who knows where ill end up. if this last loan attempt falls through I'm going to stop looking for a little while.

baby- i think I've decided that i like writing to you. this blog is for me and for you. so every blog post i am now going to try to write to you directly. so lets see. um. you need to let me know what I'm supposed to do with this car thing. if I'm supposed to sell it, let me know. cause if this time fails, I'm stopping. at least for a while. its also been quite a while since you have "shown" your presence to me and i miss it. i want the reminder of you. i want you to be a familiar face still. the small features of your face are fading and i find myself STARING at your pictures just to remember the small things about you. like the mole on the left side of your face. or the 3 scars on your arm right arm. or the way your top teeth were PERFECTLY straight and your bottom teeth weren't because you threw your retainer away several times and mom said she wasn't replacing it anymore. i remember the way you would stick out your bottom lip and pout and it seriously made me melt. i never ever want to forget our closeness. the bond we share. the way i love you. i will never love someone the same way again. I'm not saying ill never love again, because i know you want that for me and for alexis, but i will never love someone in the exact same way i love you. i have a serious connection with you, even now that your not here with me, were still connected. you were my first everything and i will always love you for that.

i love you handsome. i hope your missing me as much as I'm missing you. be good.

xoxoxo.