my struggle.

everyday i struggle with my loss.

not only did i lose Joe, but i lost everything he was to me.
my best friend, my future, the father of my baby, the father of my future children, my muscles, my mr fix it, my doctor when i was sick, my encouragement, my everyday, my repair man, my other half, my sleeping partner, my cuddle bug, the one who changed the cat box, the one who carried the groceries, the one who carried alexis' carseat, the one who drove me around, the one who put the smile on my face

anyway, i lost my everything. my life. my love. my everyday.

but during all of this loss, i have lost myself.

joe and i have been together since my junior year of HIGH SCHOOL.
i was 17. we moved out together a month after i turned 18 and thats how its been.
he was there the day i graduated. he was there my first day of college. he was there for the first day of my first real full time job. he was there the day i found out i was pregnant. he was there the day i had our baby.

basically, every MAJOR thing I've EVER done in my life, he was standing right next to me. holding my hand. and now, I'm alone. facing my biggest challenge yet. and what do i do?

who am i without joe?

i know i am alexis' mom. and i know i am a 'widow' and i know i am a sister to my siblings. and i know i am a daughter to my parents and to joes parents now too. i know i am an 'aunt' to my incredible 'nephews' (joes nephews). i know i am a ' sister in law' to joes siblings. i know i am a best friend to my besties.

but take all that away and who do you have?
this is where i struggle.
this is why i am living in the dark.
i don't know who i am.
or who i want to be.

here is what i know so far,
-i know i want to carry on my memory of joe forever. i want my life to reflect the woman he wants me to be and my love for him and the life we had.
-i know i want to help someone. lots of people.  through this challenge, i have met some of the most incredible people who have carried me. if it wasn't for tameka, ms karen, crossroads, my family, and my friends i would be no where. and i want to be able to help someone the way they have helped me. i want to make a change in someones life.
-i know i want to be a good an INCREDIBLE mom. i want to give her the world plus some.
-i know i want to be "happy"

but how do i get to this point?
well, i still have a ways to go. but this blog is where I'm tracking my progress.

so here goes nothing.
a step in the right direction.

baby, i miss you more with every breath i take. you will always be my number one.
you have the key to my lock. you know what i mean by that <3
xoxoxox.