hey baby.

today, i miss you. i miss you so much i don't know what to do with myself. i don't know how to live my everyday life when i lost my everyday life. i try to be super strong for a lot of people, but deep down. I'm missing you. and I'm missing everything we lost. I'm missing our saturday dates at TGI fridays. I'm missing our trips to Meijer. I'm missing you BLARING music in a parking lot and me slowly sinking into my chair outta embarrassment. I'm missing your texts when you couldn't sleep telling me EXACTLY how you felt about me. I'm missing someone to call when I'm SO PISSED at my job. I'm missing you. you and me. you made a promise and you didnt follow through. that isn't like you. you ALWAYS kept your word. i know you didn't choose this, but still. :( i need you more than you and i were aware. when i said forever, i didn't really understand the meaning behind that until it was ripped out from under me. :( what kinda life is this? what kinda life am i going to lead? a sad and lonely life? cause thats how i feel. our princess is 9 MONTHS OLD. can you BELIEVE that?! she is SO big and looks JUST like you. she IS you all over again. i hope your watching over her, and me. i know your watching over me. i SWEAR i felt kisses today on the left side of my forehead just like you used to. <3 your always with me. you must be a busy man. cause we run a lot. :) i love you baby. you will always be my baby tiger. i hope your enjoying your time up there. you BEST be taking care of jack jack. tell him his mama misses him and you better be giving him some cat nip like he loves & letting him sleep in your bed. your bengals are doing well this season, i know your helping them out. we both know they need it. lol. anyway, i will let you sleep or play games whatever your doing. lol. i love you boo. ill be seeing you.

love,
your favorite girl. forever & ever.

lonely, sad, and sick.

i have a head cold from the underworld. and it makes me sad. and lonely. last night i went to the cyclones game( our local hockey team) with my very best friends and it was nice. but then of course it had to end, and i was alone. so i went BACK to hang out with them and it hit me like a wall. i don't want to hang out and play pong, or listen to music, or dance, or watch movies with them, i want to lay at home with my head in his lap and him playing with my hair watching movies and cuddling and him making me feel better. he would hold a heating pad on the back of my neck or ice or make me soup or go get me my favorite coffee, and now. its just me and my pong playing best friends and their happiness.

i have NEVER felt so alone in a world full of people. i feel like my world has stopped spinning. things have shifted recently and i don't get it. ever since the funeral at the cemetery episode i am spooked and i can't get over it. i can't come back from that moment and its frustrating. i feel alone. i feel alone. i feel alone. :( i just want my life back! is that too much to ask?! blahhhhh. I'm loosing my mind people. i HATE this feeling.

i took our princess to the pumpkin patch friday. and that was so hard. joe LOVES halloween and it is horrible to be doing this stuff without him. :( but, i know he was with us. i felt him there. it was odd. but i did. but i need a boyfriend hug and a kiss and someone to tell me I'm beautiful still.

                                                       looks so much like her daddy. <3

cemetery

yesterday i went to visit joe. why you ask? i have NO idea. it is THE SADDEST place on earth but seriously i will be driving and i will just end up there.

there is no headstone yet, just a red flag. the love of my life gets a red flag and thats it. ugh. annoying. but anyway. I'm sitting there, like always. i always sit. right on top of his grave like I'm sitting in his lap, because i always sat in his lap. weird? not to me. anyway

as i sit there there is a funeral going on not too far away. far enough to where I'm not intruding on them, but close enough to where you can see everyone and hear them, after all its a silent place. it was the WEIRDEST experience I've ever went through. i was sitting there and i just couldn't look away. that was me 2 months ago. i know EXACTLY how those people felt. there were people sobbing and i remember that exact pain. i remember standing next to that casket refusing to leave because that meant he was going into the ground. i remember just standing there. holding onto a box. a box that held everything i loved. and i was overcome with grief. absolutely knock the breath out of you, can't stand up, uncontrollable tears kinda grief. so i sat there and sobbed. sobbed for my life lost and watched these people sob too.

i was changed by that moment. and I'm still reflecting upon it today. its been a rough couple days. I'm missing my baby. i just remember how handsome he is, and how soft his skin was, and how good he looked and smelled after a shower, how he rubbed my feet or when we were in a store kept his hand on my lower back kinda like, yeah she's mine kinda deal. i miss that. i miss the little stuff. i miss the way he looked at me. NO ONE looks at me like that anymore. or the way he called me baby girl, and then called our baby his princess. i just want to hear his voice. i want to be annoyed by the amount of texts i got at work and couldn't get anything done. i want to argue over bills. i just want to be in the same room as him and hear him breathe or lay on his chest and hear his heart beat. that sound was  the thing that kept my world together.

ugh minor pity party today. blehhhhhhh. save me.

as simple as a television.

an LCD 32 in flat screen television has changed my life drastically.

this tv was the VERY first purchase joe & i made TOGETHER living ON OUR OWN. this tv will always hold a special place in my heart.

there are lots of movies watched on the tv, games played, and television shows watched on that tv. there are memories of cuddling up in front of that tv, FIGHTING over that tv, and carrying that tv around in our car for weeks ( LONG story) in the end, this tv holds majority of my memories with joe.

obviously when he passed the tv became mine. up until today the tv has been sitting in my spare room, unassembled and NOT plugged in. I would look at it everyday and just smile, but never nerved up to plug it in. well, i finally got gutsy with a little help from my kid brother and the tv is now assembled. turning the tv on for the first time was really hard. knowing that the last time that tv was turned out HE was watching it, that is really hard for me to think about. but that tv symbolizes my life with joe i think. that tv is like our other baby. he LOVED that tv. his whole life he wanted his OWN flat screen and he finally got it. <3 my tv.

and the tv looks great in my bedroom, and when i watch it i think about him directly. i know he is watching over me, alexis, AND his tv.

one more thing off my list. i really need to stop checking things off my list. i am doing it to seek closure and i am not finding it, but that is a post for tomorrow.

now its time for bed. <3 goodnight blogging world & more importantly goodnight my sweet angel. <3 i will see you in my dreams. i love youuu.

alone.

"From the way he spoke of you and Alexis... I've rarely heard anyone speak of loving someone so much. Don't doubt it. The two of you were his world. At times he would make me jealous thinking I wish I had that. I sincerely believe Joe will always watch over you two." 

this is a message I got from one of Joes managers at work. These words mean so much to me. lately i find myself doubting my life. doubting the joe loves me or loved me at all. and i needed a reminder, and then i was going through my inbox which has been OVERWHELMED with messages since he passed and there was this message, sticking out at me and it reminded me, he does love me and he made that clear to EVERYONE he came in contact with. and that is what i remember about my joe. but at the same time, it makes me miss him. so much more. i am so over being alone. i want to feel that happiness again. the happiness of being in a HAPPY HEALTHY LOVING relationship. I am not sure I will ever have what I had with Joe again. I know I am only 2 months out and still very early in this process, but the love i shared with joe only comes once in a life time and anything from here on out will be settling for sure. I found my prince charming, and now he is gone. 

Blah kinda day. 

On an up note, my baby has her first tooth! Her dada would be so proud. He couldn't wait for her to get her teeth! 

i love you boyfriend. to the moon and back. <3 

family

what defines a family? this has been on my mind a lot lately. what do you have to do to be considered FAMILY? I mean yes, my mother father and siblings are my family. and of course Alexis. but then everyone else, i mean what does society define as a family. Me? I consider Joe my family obviously. but then I also consider my "should be inlaws" my family too. is that wrong? Today we spent the day with them, well the evening and I just felt 100% at home. They understand and they are supportive and over the last 2 months they have gotten to know me pretty well. They genuinely care about me and Alexis. The love us unconditionally and when we are together its relaxed, we are ourselves and we can tease and play but also be serious. Does this make them "family" in the eyes of society? I am not sure. But they are family in my book, and I wouldn't trade them for the world. I love have another set of parents and another set of arms and ears for when i need them and Alexis just loves  them, and her cousins. and we love them too! Ashleigh, Joey and Lauren are great and the boys are adorable. anyway. this is my random vent about my family. because in my book they are family. I don't need blood or paperwork to prove anything.


I know my music challenge is over, and tomorrows blog will be about that and where I "am at" in my healing process but for tonight here is a song that i feel really ties up how i feel..

day 30.

i FAIL at blogging! haha. I missed the LAST day of my music challenge, but this is my game so I am posting it today.

Jay Sean- Down

this song holds a very special place in my heart. this was joe & i's song. it is the ringtone on my phone, it is on EVERY playlist on my iTunes. it is my favorite song ever. I have always loved this song, since the minute Joe found it on his secret website and i heard it first. Then one day I just started dancing to it in the car and Joe just started laughing. It has been our song ever since. Whenever we would fight he would play this song and it NEVER failed, no matter how mad i was it always made me feel better. always. and when i am frustrated and missing him i listen to it and have a good solid cry. haha. this song will always be our song baby. and i love it. and i love you. and i can see you dancing and singing down down down down down right now. its the down down song baby boo. <3

this weekend has been eventful. i will have to blog about that later. until then, i am exhausted and going to bed to hopefully dream of my lover. <3 

goodnight baby boo. i hope your having a good weekend. i miss you. xoxox 

i love you to the moon and back.