to my love,

hey handsome :) its been a while since I've made a whole post writing to you. i need to get better about that. a lot of my posts seem to be epic meltdown posts. so lets talk. i miss talking to you. we could sit and just look at each other and talk for hours. i think out of everything thats probably one of the things i miss the most. you were my very best friend above everything else. when i felt lost in life, like i do now, you were the one who would sit and listen and you always gave me your advice. sometimes, i would get so pissed, throw a fit and tell you i didn't want your advice i just wanted you to listen. but now, i would give everything i have to have some advice from the best man i know. I'm lost. i don't know what i want to do anymore. i want to feel a glimpse of happiness or something. i think I've lost my passion for life. so I'm on a mission to find it again. I'm going to hopefully start teaching again. i think by doing something i KNOW i am capable of being passionate about i will find some joy again, lets hope. I've also decided to make crossroads more of a priority in my life. i think by building my faith and making it strong it will help me find some understanding through all this mess and I'm hoping that God will take some of the incredible pain off my shoulders too. so I'm going to need your help with that. i need your help with everything. i need you to be strong for me because i am so not able to be strong for myself. I've lost it. and I'm trying to regain it but i need you. i need your arms around me all the time. thats the other thing i miss. my cuddle time. my kisses on the forehead and holding my hand in bed. the arm that was always draped across my stomach while we both slept. or the chest that was always FREEZING cold cause you didn't believe in blankets that i put my head against until i fell asleep and as soon as i woke up. i miss your laugh. i can hear it right now. the sound of it is fading, but i can still remember it right now and for that i am thankful. i miss you telling me to STOP SPENDING MONEY. i miss you giving me an amount i could spend and that was it. cause honestly, I've kinda went overboard. but hey. whatevs.

i don't know if your picking up what I'm putting down, but the bottom line is I MISS YOU. more than ANY words i could write on here. more than anything i could think or say. there are NO words for the amount of anguish i go through every day thinking that i will never see that handsome italian face of yours again. i hope your proud of me. i hope your proud of your daughter. and i hope you never leave our sides.

you better be having a good time up there and you better be missing me twice as much as i miss you.

you better be waiting for me. no girlfriends, your still a taken man. I've got the ring to prove it ;)

i love you baby. forever & ever my babe <3

muahhh.
xoxo.
<3 your number one.