june

i have 3 more days until the month I'm dreading begins.

the beginning of the end. 

the start of the month where it all ended. 

my man, 

the man i love, my whole world.

got sick. 

and life as we knew it ended.

june 18th. fathers day. he went to the er after almost passing out walking to the car.

and they never let him go.

i never saw his handsome face in anything but a hospital gown.

and with lots of wires and tubes. 

his smile was rare 

and his happiness was diminishing.

he knew he was dying.

they say that people know when they are dying.

and i feel like he did.

he was so... unattached. 

when he would look at you, he looked past you. like there was always someone or something standing behind you.

it was heart breaking.

those months are memories that will never fade. 

i remember my schedule.

go to work.

go home. 

check on alexis.

change clothes.

find a sitter.

go to the hospital.

sit with him for hours.

go home and take care of alexis. 

try to sleep but always on edge waiting for that call.

waiting for someone to tell me something had happened.

in just a few weeks i will be unable to say "this time last year" 

it will be "this time 2 years ago."

or "this time last year i was missing him more than i could ever imagine"

the anxiety is high.

the sadness is higher.

I'm just missing him.

end of story. 

i just want things to be normal again.

im scared.

of life without him.

of being alone forever.

of alexis and her questions.

of her grief when she finally realizes what happened.

ugh.

june, I'm scared of you.

july, I'm even more scared of you. 

joe, its almost been a year since i looked into the handsome brown eyes. its almost been 365 days since I've held you in my arms. i keep thinking this is going to go away, but it never does. every morning i wake up alone. to no text, phone call, email, anything from you. i drive past our apt complex and know that you are not there. i miss the sound of your laugh and the way it was contagious. they way you called me girlfriend. how everywhere we went you had your phone out showing people pictures of alexis or you and i. i miss that. i miss the pure happiness we felt. i know we fought. a lot. things were far from perfect. and towards the end i really didn't think things were going to work. you made me so mad. all we did was fight. i regret a lot of our final conversations. if i knew they were our final conversations they would have went differently. not that that changes things. i knew i loved you. we were just having a hard time. things were rough. we both knew that. but in the end, i was by your side and i loved you. and you loved me. and we both loved alexis. things shouldn't be this way. i know they are for a reason and you will always be with me. i just sometimes wish i had that physical reminder. i miss you. i love you. i hope your being nice to your mommy and my jack jack.

xoxox. love you angel baby.