mothers day

first, happy mothers day to my mom, my second mom, and my MIL.

also to all my fellow mom bloggers & my dear SIL.

so today.

sucked. 

i was abnormally weepy and upset.

i realized today for the first time in a weeks how much i miss my joe

i miss the way he looked at me.

and the way he said my name,

and the way he bought me things i didn't need.

the way he loved me.

it was so special.

and now thats gone.

and I'm missing him.

all of him.

i wanted to spend my mothers day with the man who made me a mother.

but instead.

i spent it with my baby, who i love more than anything.

but there is part of our family missing.

and i often feel that void.

when I'm at a restaurant or in a store and i see a family of a mom, dad, and kid(s)

our family is very...

incomplete.

and i miss that.

we never really got that chance.

the chance to be that cute family.

my memories of him me and her are short.

she was only 4 months old when he got sick.

and our relationship was on the rocks so badly when that happened

that the memories are slim.

and i regret it.

so simply put? 

i am missing him today.

just like all days.

but especially today. 

he gave me the gift of being a mother.

and i can't thank him for that.

thats a tough thing to accept.

i don't think i ever told him thank you for giving me alexis.

no, this life as a mother hasn't been easy.

im tired, broke, emotionally and physically drained

but in the end.

when she says mommy (which is all day everyday)

it makes all of it worth it.

the tears. the dark circles. the irritation.

and its him i have to thank for that.

my daughter was strong for me and she didn't even know it.

she carried me through the darkest parts of my life and she had no idea she was doing it. 

my daughter was a gift from God and from Joe because without her, I would not have made it through this day.

or any other day for the last 10 months.

im forever grateful to him for what he gave me without even knowing it.

baby, I'm missing you. and you know that. i know you were right there with me today when i was absolutely beside myself. and i know you would be here if you could. i hope you know how grateful i am to you for all you have given me. all you have blessed me with. our princess is what carries me through the day and she has no idea and you probably don't either. but just know, if it wasn't for her smile and her sweet voice saying mama and knowing your standing right behind me in every choice i make holding me up, i wouldn't be here right now. i am a mess tonight. and i am wishing you were here to hold me and comb my hair until i fell asleep to make it okay. i miss you more than i have words for and i can't believe its almost been 10 months since I've looked into those brown eyes and heard that crazy laugh of yours. i can't believe I'm still alive after 10 months. i never dreamed i could manage life without you. but here i am. as strong as ever. pushing through. and it you i have to thank. i love you whole heartedly sweet angel. i will never stop loving you. <3 xoxxoxo. be nice to your mommy today.