4 days.

i have 4 days left in my first year without him.

4. days.

on this day one year ago:

he kinda had a rough day. 

he was coming out of his sedation and was overly excited.

but this day one year ago, he opened his eyes.

he opened them and looked at me.

our eyes connected for the first time in 15 days. 

and i knew he knew i was there.

he knew i loved him.

and he loved me more than anything.

little did i know i only had 4 more days with him or i would have never left the hospital.

the last couple days and the next few days to come have and will be rough.

i have spent a lot of time crying.

i have been on edge about EVERYTHING and i never know why.

I'm anxious about that day.

im worried about how I'm going to react. 

cause thinking about it,

all i see is epic meltdown.

tears. tears. tears.

im crying now thinking about it. 

i have no idea how i got here. no idea how i have survived a year without him.

i just want him back.

i want my life back.

i want my daughter to know her daddy.

im tired of feeling like i have a huge rain cloud above my head that holds a dark secret from the world.

i just want a NORMAL life.

and my new "normal" sucks. 

but we will talk about that in another post.

expect a HUGE one year post either saturday or sunday. maybe friday. 

depends how the week goes.

i miss you. its almost been a year without you. i feel like i was just sitting in that hospital telling you everything was going to be fine. and now here i am. this day one year ago you were looking me in my eyes. you were so sad. you just wanted to go home. you wanted them to take that damn tube out so you could talk. all i wanted was to be wrapped in your arms and you to tell ME it was going to be okay. i miss you joe. words will never describe that. i miss you every minute of everyday. you may not be here but i know your with me everyday. i love you joe. i don't know how else to say it or prove it. but i love you. i may be picking up the pieces of my broken life and attempting to make something of it. but no one will ever replace you. no one will ever take your spot. you were my first love. my best friend. my whole world. you gave me the best gift i could ever ask for in your mini me. and i will always love and appreciate you for it.  i hope your enjoying yourself up there. i hope you miss me like i miss you. 

xoxox.