overthinking.

overthinking.

i over think everything.

is this a disease?

i think so.

can i have meds for it?

i just wanna sleep at night without raking my brain for an hour before hand.

i over think everything.

i play what if like its my job.

what if he lived?

what if i never met him?

what if i get hurt again?

what if i let him in and he dies too?

what if alexis resents me when she gets older because of what happened to her dad?

what if he's using me?

what if I'm over thinking all this and he really does like me.

AH.

im insane.

see what goes on in my head.

a mix of things.

missing my dead fiancé.

worrying about my daughters future and her future grief.

"dating" a boy who i can't tell if he likes me or not.

liking someone more than they like me.

I'm losing it.

i over think everything which causes me to ruin a lot of shit before it even starts. 

but, I'm working on it.

so here is my new plan.

relax.

take a deep breath.

dont rush things.

don't take things so seriously.

dont FREAK out before needed.

let things play out the way they are intended to.

because as we all know,

everything works out the way it is supposed to.

even if thats not how you think they should work out.

now if only i could tell my mind this

so i can sleep in peace tonight.

but instead ill stay up all night

thinking

"what if"

tomorrow starts my new dieting/exercise plan.

oh and tuesday? 

tuesday will kill me.

tuesday marks one year from the last day i saw my precious joe awake, no tubes, no coma.

the last time he spoke real words to me.

the last time he sent me a text message.

the last day of life as we knew it.

:(